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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Thread for the down at heart and lacking in optimism

380 replies

duchesse · 28/12/2006 19:33

I probably shouldn't do this, but...lovely though the ladies on my current ttc threads are, there are times when I feel I need a break from the upbeat atmosphere.

My story- 38, going on 39, three children easily conceived in my 20s, ttc number 4 for 3 years before finally achieving a pregnancy that ended in foetal death at 12 weeks and miscarriage at 13 weeks (Oct 2006).

Frequent lapses of hope. I simply can no longer believe that it will all be OK, that this month will be the one.

Now contemplating stopping trying.

OP posts:
rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 18:28

Oh and to top things off my iron's just blown up!!! Talk about none of my women bits working!!!

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 18:25

This sounds really bad,,, but I don't think it helps the maternity unit that the nurses are all women and the patients are all women... Everyone had their place and did not like it at all if they had to do something different or was presented with something different from the norm. I was not a run of the mill case, as most of the women that I saw were in and out the unit and had their baby within 24hrs. Where I was there for over a month and if you challenged their rules or regulations there was hell to pay. One example was that I had an appointment with the consultant when I was 22 weeks, I wanted my husband to see the consultant aswell, but because the consultant was not seeing me within visiting hours my husband was not allowed in to unit to attend...At this appointment I was told by the consultant I had a 80-90% chance of delivering the baby very prematurely and it was unlikely to survive... Very nice and caring job done there!! I was in tears for ages and then had another bleed,,,,talk about stressing people out instead of helping!

Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2007 18:04

I think you're absolutely right, Rahrah. It's just a shame there aren't more people willing to step over their fences. I was not, as a secondary teacher, supposed to do anything remotely akin to social work. That was dealt with by separate people (EPs, social workers, connexions people, etc...). But obviously, you'd be a pretty poor teacher if you didn't have the common humanity to ask a weeping teenager what the matter was, or help them if they came to you with a problem. everybody's job is way too compartmentalised nowadays with too little downtime built in to the system. We're all just operatives now...

OP posts:
rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 17:58

It is quite obvious that people seem to have their particular jobs in the NHS and if you no longer fall within their job remit, then they don't tend to have anything more to do with you. My midwife did not contact me when I was in hospital for a whole month (Her office is on the same ward that I was on)...But she did visit me to complete my postnatal check ups to ensure my uterus was going down etc... Then she was off again... It was really hard as she was a connection to the pregnancy, but she has a heavy work load and said there are people who's job it is to support me and she will see me in my next pregnancy. I think its the way the NHS is set up..It's all very rigid...

Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2007 17:33

And it does seem that you get a lot more support if your baby was possibly viable. I had booked in with the midwife by the time I miscarried, but haven't heard from her again since then. She just crossed me off her antenatal list without so much as a phone call (I only know that she knew because I rang as a courtesy to cancel my appointment, to find out from the receptionist that it was already cancelled). I was given the telephone number of, I think, the miscarriage counsellors at the hospital, but really didn't want to go calling anyone I didn't know. A miscarriage, even quite late, seems to be something we just have to grin and bear.

Anyway, I am jolly glad that you are getting adequate support, Rahrah. I think there is quite a lot of difference between a baby born alive, who then dies, and a gentle in-utero death. You lost a child- I only lost a pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2007 17:10

Oops! I must have slipped in something. Have another tray .

OP posts:
Original poster
duchesse · 04/01/2007 17:09

rushes back in with a tray

Ladies, how about some rejected cocktails to go with our \lin{http://www.drinksmixer.com/cat/139\real virtual ones}?

OP posts:
rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 16:21

Thanks littlestar - the Valium will do nicely...

Impatience - my mum believe it or not tries to help and is very caring...just comes out wrong!! It is one of those classic bloomers...Actually reading your post made me laugh - always a good thing..

PinkElephant - I have not tried counselling, but have seen both the consultants (they do a kind of counselling/wrap up meeting with you) and then have been sent a bereavement midwife from the hospital. She actually only left about 20 minutes ago.. She comes every couple of weeks. I think I might go to see a counsellor when I have finished all my appointments with the hospital.

I think you get a lot more support if you have a baby after 22-24 weeks. It must be very hard having a M/C and then not getting any support or very little, which is what I read on a lot of threads.

Oh well... least we have Mnet and the HUT...

Another round of cocktails is needed I think....

PinkElephant · 04/01/2007 15:58

Rahra1 - Just read your story too. How absolutley devastating for both you and your DH. I have tears streaming down my face hearing your story. You must be going through so many different stages of grief on a constant basis. It must be so, so difficult right now knowing your friends are at the 36wk stage. Did you get any counselling at all? Does it help a little bit?

Impatience - thanks for the glass of wine, downed in one! You poor thing, I hadn't realised you'd been trying that long, no wonder you're so fed up.

Impatience · 04/01/2007 15:57

Ooh, virtual valium with lots of virtual smoke, and a big long vodka. That should do it!

You made me cry too: I told dp what your mother had said about the vermin and the christingle oranges. Couldn't even finish telling her.

littlestar · 04/01/2007 14:41

Poor rahrah,I just read your post at work and had to go to the loo to compose myself as it made me cry too. I've had a rummage in my medicine cabinet and come up with some virtual valium - would you like one? Not sure if you're supposed to mix them with cocktails, but what the hell...

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 14:33

I'm just what you all need in the 'Hut' - more gloom....

Must admit had a little (massive) cry myself today...feeling very sorry for myself...

Any one got anything stronger than a bit of puff? I think I might be in need of some serious sedatives..

sideways · 04/01/2007 14:04

rahrah, your 11.43 post just made me cry.

I can understand why you are nervous about another pregnancy but also why you so desperately want one.

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 11:49

Thanks Impatience.xx

Impatience · 04/01/2007 11:47

It does make sense Rahrah. It's so incredibly sad. You poor thing x

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 11:43

Thanks both of you.....XX I would not change anything... as would rather of had him than not... he was so close to surviving...it was always worth it... we had him for 6hrs and although it will never be enough...it's better than nothing....(hope that makes sense)...But on the other hand not sure if I could go through all of it again...it has been a truly heartbreaking experience.

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 11:39

It has been very disheartening all the way through... first it was un-explain fertility, then it was bleeding (again did not know why, thought it was placenta..but placenta looked healthy on the scans) , then my membranes went (they assumed it was because of the bleeding)..but also had the onset of infection. Now they are coming back saying that the baby was healthy and of a good size..just too immature in his lung development (which they say was very unlucky with a 24 week baby) and they have no clue why any of it happened....just that maybe I should of miscarried at 10 weeks when I had the first big bleed and somehow my body just carried the pregnancy on, whilst still rejecting it. You lose a lot of faith in the medical profession when this kind of thing happens. I just don't think they know why somethings happen. I hate things that don't have answers and although I'm desperate to be a mother I am really worried about my next pregnancy... I pray that I will not M/C...it will break my heart to lose another pregnancy and in addition add to the list of issues that seem to be compiling., Hopefully it is just the 'one' off 'freak' pregnancy that they think it is. However it is the second pregnancy I have had, first one lasted 9weeks. Also had bleeding in that pregnancy too. So I just don't know.... I hate this feeling of having to remain optimistic and positive that yes I will get pregnant again and no it won't take forever this time and yes the baby will be fine... that is just the perfect scenario....But perfect scenario's don't seem to happened to us....

Impatience · 04/01/2007 11:31

Rahrah, I agree with LL (although I haven't read your other threads). It sounds horrible. I have always thought I'd rather never get pregnant than have a mc or lose a baby. I'm really sorry for you.

londonlottie · 04/01/2007 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 10:48

Thanks

You have become an expert [Wink]

One Bloody Mary coming up!!

I think the sensible think for me is to find the best way of determining if I am having my surge, then ovulating and then how long my luteal time is. Then Once I know this I will know if everything is working correctly and its just down to time and lots of BD at the right moments.

I have a scan booked in next week to look at my Ovaries, as was boarderline PCO over a year ago. But have had a pregnancy in between that, so something must be working. However it took us a year and half to conceive last time and we then lost that pregnancy at 24 weeks. So obviously have a problem getting pregnant and then issues keeping the pregnancy...Had all the gynie tests now completed and everything has come back normal.. so they don't know what the problem is...when i do get pregnant next time..I'm glueing myself to the house!!

londonlottie · 04/01/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

rahrah1 · 04/01/2007 09:30

I think LatenightOwl needs a good 'Sex on the beach' cocktail if you are offering duchesse...

It's horrible that BD is turned into BD only rather than sex... I don't find I can relax when doing it...maybe half out problems?

Then to top it all off when we got pregnant we did not have sex for 24weeks + 5 weeks recovery as kept bleeding.

Then (my friends have told me) when you have a baby, you are too knackered for it!

A person I know is massive, does not exercise, always in a flap, does not have a partner and is pregnant...How does that happen! Drug addicts and teenage girls that don't have any check up's, keep up with their normal day living and deliver their own babies...manage it.. (think I have been watching too much casualty!) Damn right annoying anyway!!

In regards to luteal phase, what is that and how did you increase it by 2 days to 13 days? - Thanks

Original poster
duchesse · 03/01/2007 23:32

Hi LateNightOwl, and welcome- (virtual) Drink? hands round the tray of cocktails

OP posts:
LatenightOwl · 03/01/2007 22:59

Hi folks, what a great thread. Just been reading your comments and you have all managed to make me feel normal for the first time in months Ive been ttc for 8 yrs and now 44 but only became aware of temperature charting etc since reading sites like these in the last 6 months. What with crap GPs who could not see my worry or need of urgency (cos i believe they knew they would save money if they waited til I was over40)as NHS new rules do not allow for any treatment for me so have to pay for it all myself. Once I started to pay the consultancy got better but still have unexplained fertility and consultants recommending to BD around day 14/15. Well now my bathroom too resembles a scifi lab and guess what I always seem to ov at day 10 to 12 so we were always leaving it too late explains some of the wasted effort. The Tony W. book was enlightening and since reading this have managed to extend my luteal phase by 2 days to 13 days to give me a better chance (Non of this advice from Docs!). Want to belt my younger sis ( when she keeps saying we left it too late - she has 3 kiddies (as if I left it late on purpose!)and its our own fault, and then says we will just have to try harder - and DH looks as if he could murder a month of R&R...so much for the man that wants it all the time - we laugh at that! We are just fed up of doing it now...and some months we just argue cos thats easier than BDing and then nothing happens - ahhhh. I have a mate who drinks like a fish, is seriously overweight and had a one night stand and got a BFP at 42 - I watch what I eat, dont drink, terrified to take headache tablets after ov or do any strenuous exercise after ov - just in case and seem to be walking on egg shells - WHY oh WHY do we do this to ourselves! AF is due next Wed so trying to keep stress levels down and saying positive thoughts to DH when really I just feel crap! So your everyday thoughts have made me feel slightly normal again (without putting too much positive vibes into the "hut of Doom") so thanks folks and keep up the banter

beansprout · 03/01/2007 21:54

Bless that man in Boots. Now can he nip round and give lessons in tact and diplomacy to some of the relatives mentioned on here?

F**k me, it's the 3rd of the month and I'm already off the January thread. I've started a February thread but it's going to be a tragic, lonely place for a while. This ttc business really is a shower of poo.

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