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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Forty and over trying for a first baby - join us here

811 replies

JessieMcJessie · 25/11/2015 11:38

A year ago today I started this thread

Any 40+ladies out there TTC #1?

and, 1000 posts later, it has filled up with the shared experiences of various fantastic women who find ourselves hoping to start a family after the age of 40. And listen out Daily Mail - not one of us deliberately "delayed motherhood" to concentrate on our careers or frivolous pursuits. By and large we just didn't meet the right person (or decide to go it alone) till we were quite long in the tooth.

Trying for a first at this age has its own special challenges. The old thread contains its fair share of sad tales of early miscarriage and disapointing test results. However it is also a great place for success stories and positive thinking and it has been a lifeline for me over the past year.

Although those who already have a child or children and are trying for more in their forties are welcome to join (and we absolutely understand the real pain of secondary infertility), part of the value of this thread is the opportunity to share experience amongst those of us for whom failure will mean no children at all, rather than a smaller family than we'd like. It's also a place where we all share a sense of total uncharted territory where pregnancy and childbrirth are concerned!

There are a number of stalwarts who have been with me from almost day one and I hope you'll join this new thread too, but we all hope to graduate eventually to the pregnancy boards so new joiners are very important! If your fortieth is looming it's fine to join a bit before.

A newish poster asked last week if people could post their "stats" and I think that's a good idea. So I'll kick it off (feel free to include whatever info you feel like giving):

Jessie McJessie 42, TTC since October 2014 (13 months) having only met my DH at the tender age of 38. 2 chemical pregnancies, one blocked tube, low AMH, one failed IUI, 1 failed IVF and about to start our second IVF. Just moved back to London after 6 years in Hong Kong.

So, off we go. We have a special skill at scouring the media for stories of celebs having babies over 40. And there's no such thing as TMI Grin.

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Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 14/12/2015 16:54

So, last night I dreamed I had gone to New Zealand and forgotten until too late that I was having embryo transfer today. Woke up sweating, and fortunately very much in London Smile.
Embryologist was wearing a protective hairnet and Christmas tree earrings; was quite surreal. They had selected one "full" blastocyst, one that was just newly at blast stage and one morula, which is the immediately pre- blast stage. All 3 went in, with no particular discussion of multiples risk, not that I would have changed my mind if they had raised it. Once again, pretty painless and over very quickly so just have to cross everything from here on in.

Would you believe, my "official test day" is Christmas Day?! Good or bad, I can't decide. Obviously a lovely story if we do end up with a baby, but if we get a negative...? and we'll be at PIL at the time.

I am definitely not testing earlier, could not cope again with an early positive that doesn't stick.
Anyway cracked my iPhone screen yesterday so typing is a bit dangerous, hope everyone doing OK xxx

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Daisyboo1203 · 14/12/2015 06:12

Great news Jessie!
Looking forward to hearing about what happens today!

Loueeza · 12/12/2015 17:39

It's good to go with your instinct, I think, because there doesn't seem to be any absolute consensus. I did have a quick google and it sounds like some believe sperm can help once the embryos have been put back in, but others think it's better to abstain for a while just in case. I know you're not at that stage yet. At our appointment yesterday the nurse said just do what you feel is best. She said once the embryos are in there nothing you do can harm them, but if you feel like taking it easy then go with that because you don't want to be wondering afterwards.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 12/12/2015 17:04

Yes I'm sure that there is no real reason to avoid DTD (otherwise you'd get strict instructions) but, that said, I don't have a great record with "normal" months so I think I am just feeling like I want to be super- careful about everything even if no rational basis for it! Anyway we dealt with the problem OK Wink.

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Loueeza · 12/12/2015 16:49

Really great news Jessie. Sounds as if things are going absolutely as well as they could.

As far as DTD goes, I've got a feeling it's OK at this stage? Would it matter if sperm's in there? If you think about it, how is it any different to a normal month if you've conceived naturally? Or are you just worried about the doc finding some in there? ;-)

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 12/12/2015 09:17

Morning all. Glad your IVF appointment went so well Loueeza, though I still Hmm a bit about them using "the menopause" as a way to describe the down regging. Are you booked in for your scratch now?

Some good news at this end too- 6 of the 7 eggs fertilised and embryologist just called this morning to say they are all doing fine- 2 8 cells, a 9, a 10 and a 6. So they are recommending waiting till Monday so they can pick out the best ones. From what I read, day 5 transfers have much better success rates (I had day 3 last time) so feeling much more optimistic. Though this morning was having a horrendous dream where they called to say come straight in as only 3 left and in the dream I was married to a very old white haired man whom I suddenly realised I hated, and had to give a presentation to a client before going to the hospital! Real life was a massive relief after that!

Other good news is that last time round I was in serious discomfort for about 4 days after the egg collection. This time barely a twinge, have not even had to take paracetamol, yet they got more eggs. Perhaps surgeon was just more skilled, I don't know. I am hoping that a body that doesn't feel so traumatised might be a bit more receptive to the embryos....

So my current dilemma is this- TMI alert! As am not sore, feeling quite up to some DTD this weekend. But if sperm can live in there for up to 5 days, do I really want them floating about in there for embryo transfer? I suppose the answer is to use a condom - that will be a blast from the past!

Hope you all have nice weekends. Christmas is getting so close now, rather crept up on me.

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Loueeza · 11/12/2015 19:20

Realised I wrote 'the whole thing' about five times in my post above. Hahaha ... must be the wine!

Loueeza · 11/12/2015 19:18

How's it going, Jessie? Are you feeling OK? Any news?

We went to the clinic today for our 'consents' appointment. The nurse was amazing. I must say, I've been VERY impressed so far by the staff there. Very down-to-earth and friendly - always have time for you. Very reassuringly talked a lot about how the clinic is the best in the region and improving all the time as they have very experienced staff. I must say her generally cheerful attitude cheered me up a lot. Went in there scared I'd dissolve into tears once she started talking about all the drugs, but I'm happy to say I didn't!

Still dreading the whole thing, especially injecting myself and 'going into menopause' for 2 weeks, as they keep describing it!

Still, I'm starting to see the whole thing as more of a process rather than a make-it-or-break-it sort of thing. The nurse also told us that sometimes the whole thing seems to get your system kick-started into action and you're more fertile for the months AFTER the IVF. She insisted that the DHEA and COQ10 are a really good thing, too - apparently the director of the clinic swears by them.

So, all good ... not feeling too bad about it all, really. DH has calmed down and cheered up a bit, too.

The nurse even said it was fine to have a drink or two over Christmas. So after I left the clinic I went to a work Christmas 'do' and had a big glass of wine! ;-)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

AnnieHoo · 10/12/2015 00:45

Excellent work jessie SmileSmileSmileSmileSmileSmileSmile. Hope you feel ok tomorrow. Very exciting x

loueesa phew! All is good. My DH would get like that sometimes, really wound me up saying I was treating it like a military operation. I can't remember the exact phrase he used but it made me blow up!

Loueeza · 09/12/2015 22:23

Great news, Jessie. Enjoy being waited on and all the best for the putting-back-in part.

I wonder if the DHEA helped this time? ;-)

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 09/12/2015 20:02

Hi all. They got 7 eggs today, 3 more than they did last time, which is encouraging. Feeling OK for now but last time the real discomfort hit the following day. Am taking it easy now, DH waiting on me hand and foot.

So glad all sorted loueeza. Hopefully the argument with your DH was just stress, and good that he is really on board generally now.

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citybumpkin · 09/12/2015 18:48

Re DHs... Humph to them. My DP has been hmming and ahhing. I've said to myself if that's the case then I shall damned well do this alone. Not my life plan but who on earth has one of those thess days anyway?!

citybumpkin · 09/12/2015 18:46

Hello All! Best wishes to all those IVF-ers. I admit to spitting my tea out Loueeeza re the "naughty school girl" comment. Reading your individual posts... I never knew so much was involved with IVF. You see the news and kind of take it for granted that stuff happens in a lab and then BING a baby appears. I take my santa hat off to all you lovely ladies. You are wonderous.

Loueeza · 09/12/2015 18:11

Thanks so much everyone for saying nice things and calming me down last night.

Looks like I was in fact making a mountain out of a molehill because I phoned the clinic today and they hardly blinked an eye. Apparently they are more worried about whether you could be pregnant from the previous month (having had a lighter period than normal, for instance). She did write down on my record though that we'd had unprotected sex on day 4. We had a giggle when she described me as a naughty school girl!

So ... looks like no harm done and we'll be going ahead as planned.

On the not so good side, DH and I ended up having a HUGE argument last night at bedtime. He accused me of conducting 'operation baby' as if he wasn't even a part of it etc. etc. etc. We've had this discussion several times before and he always ends up saying loads of hurtful things and I dissolve into floods of tears.

Pretty unpleasant night, but all seems relatively calm again now. One positive outcome of our discussion was DH's admission that he's got used to the whole idea now and actually really likes the idea of having a child. Nice to hear him actually say it.

I suspect we're going to run into more challenges though if this first IVF doesn't work. I know he won't let us try again and again. I might be able to get him to agree to one more, but even that's not a certainty.

Anyway, step by step ...

That is funny, wotsitsmaltesters, that we have a similar experience during the 2ww. I hate it. I would much rather just find out when af arrives rather than suspecting for ages but still holding onto that little bit of hope. Somehow seems more cruel. I've worried about the possibility of endometriosis too. I don't get much pain during period or after sex or anything, but I get pains during ovulation, sometimes over quite a few days. Plus the cramps during the 2ww. Not sure I could put myself through a laparoscopy though ...

AnnieHoo · 08/12/2015 23:54

Hi loueesa

Sorry I didn't read this earlier. I hope you got some answers. I was told to abstain the month before treatment ( seemed like such a waste of a month). They don't want to risk it if there is any chance you could be pregnant. I was on Yasmin contraceptive as well as abstaining.

There is a real possibility they would cancel your IVF this cycle if you tell them.

My DH is annoyingly honest too!

It's understandable that we all want a last minute pre-IVF miracle. Loads of people do it.

wotsitsmaltesers · 08/12/2015 22:57

Poor you Loueeza. I agree with Jessie if it''s just risk of miscarrige then I'd risk it. I think I'd be tempted not to tell them but your husband is probably right - you never know you may tell them and they decide it's not a big risk, so you'll proceed feeling reassured - and if you can't proceed then it will give you the one more try before Christmas that you wanted - so could all still happen.

It's interesting reading your post about your cycle - it sounds so similar to me, and we're similar age - from day 21 I know I'm out then rumblings and af arrives bang on scheduled date. Not a snifter in the 8 months I've been trying. Really annoying as even tried the clomid this month. Have also started getting a really bad pain after dtd about 4 days before af comes. It's right in the lower abdomen and is really overwhelming for about 15 mins, then fine. Am thinking I should get a laparoscopy to see if I've got blocked tubes or endometriosis or something.

Good luck Jessie and Daisy with your IVF and you too Loueeza if you do decide to go with it. Be nice to have some good news in the new year.

I like the new name for the thread - seems to cover all our bases 40 and over trying (as in over it, so yesterday, move on - which is where I'm nearly at) - 40 and over trying (as in trying too hard, which I definitely am) and 40 and over trying (as in passed 40, which I'm getting further and further from). Sorry but of a long post from me. Been a tough couple of weeks. Ready to rock it in December.

Loueeza · 08/12/2015 21:45

Thanks for the soothing words, Jessie. I'm pretty sure it's just because of the risk of miscarriage.

I would bet my life on there being no chance of pregnancy from that one time on day 4 (10 whole days before ov.) ... but now that DH knows he won't let me NOT tell them. Aaaargh ... should have known better a. to do it in the first place b. to tell DH about them mentioning it on the phone.

Anyway, I'm still feeling bad about it, but I've resigned myself now to the fact that they're going to say I can't do the scratch thing this month. Just can't decide now whether to go ahead anyway with the IVF this month without it, or to delay for another month (annoying, but only another few weeks, after all ...)

Good idea to check on the FF website :-)

Thanks again for the support. DH won't listen to me going on about it any more, so needed to vent here!

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 08/12/2015 21:03

Age to = affect.

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Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 08/12/2015 21:02

I suppose it depends whether the only reason they ask is to make sure you are not pregnant and therefore the scratch is at risk of causing miscarriage. If that is it then I'd say fine to lie. But if there is some other medical reason then you might unwittingly age to your IVF outcome. Seems very unlikely! I am in a cab with dying battery but maybe try a specific post on the infertility boards, or fertility friend website to ese if anyone has had specific instructions re sex and scratches?

It would be bloody crazy if an infinitesimal risk of pregnancy were allowed to derail fertility treatment for a couple who have been trying for as long as you.

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Loueeza · 08/12/2015 18:34

Oh my gosh ... girls, I need your help.

I'm super stressing here tonight over the fact that DH and I had unprotected sex on Sunday night (day 4 of my cycle). I called the IVF clinic today to tell them I'd like to do the endometrial scratch later this month and she told me they'd have to confirm I haven't had any sex this cycle (I assume that means we'll have to sign a consent). I didn't say we had, but when I got home and told DH he said I absolutely couldn't lie - I would have to come clean and tell them.

I know there is absolutely NO chance I'll get preggers from that as I don't ovulate until day 13 at the earliest, which is why I really didn't think anything of it on Sunday, but now I feel so STUPID for doing that.

I won't be able to have the endometrial scratch thingy, but now I'm also worried they'll even tell me we can't do the IVF this month.

I really don't want to have to wait yet another month because of this one stupid mistake.

Am I overreacting here? Anyone else done long protocol and been told absolutely no sex in the month before? To be honest I wasn't really told that categorically. It was only mentioned almost casually when I asked what would happen if I (by some miracle) got pregnant this month.

What shall I do, girls? Freaking out a bit here! :-(

SparrowSG · 08/12/2015 15:36

Lovely to hear encouraging stories from mellymoo22 and Madelinehatter.

Sounds like there will be a a lot of poking and prodding going on over the Christmas period! Good luck to you all Loueeza, Jessie and Daisy, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for positive outcomes.

Never heard of the scratch thing before, will ask consultant about it if/when we go down IVF route.

Have a lovely mini trip to Athens Daisy, if you only have the one day to sightsee then I would suggest just to wander around Plaka and the Acropolis. I used to live there in 2003/4 and miss it a lot Smile, especially the long summers.

Nothing exciting to report here. We are meant to be in the fertile window (not doing any tests to check though), so dtd every other day. To be honest though I've kind of given up on the idea of getting pregnant naturally. It's been so many months now with no luck that I'm quite sure we will be making appointments in the New Year for IVF consultations.

Loueeza · 07/12/2015 17:53

Well, Jessie ... we actually 'cheated' last night and didn't use any protection. Naughty, I know, but I figured it's way too early in my cycle to worry about. No naughties from now on though, as hard as it will be, especially when I start to feel the ovulation pains I always seem to get these days. ;-)

The nurse told me that the scratch thingy has to be done between days 21 and 28 of your cycle - you are probably too late to look into it for this cycle as I think the whole point is for your body to have a bit of time to start healing the 'scratches' - which is apparently how it can help. Definitely ask about it next time though, if there is a next time (let's hope not).

Good news about the follicles ... keep us updated!

Daisy, good luck to you too ... surely statistically at least one of us should get somewhere by early next year??!!

citybumpkin · 07/12/2015 16:30

Hopefully you might get a bit of R&R in Greece Loueeeza? I have to say all of your comments are painful and I'm not going through them. You have my every support. I actually am a bit lost for words which is really unlike me! 7DPO here. Xmas do on Saturday which was a bit chaotic and yep, I fell off the wagon. Now have extremely bad indigestion...

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 07/12/2015 15:37

Interesting that you are going to Serum Daisy - I've read a lot about them on various websites and they do seem to have a different approach to lots of other clinics.

Loueeza I can appreciate your frustration about the IVF taking 2 months; I would have felt the same and I simply can't imagine how it would feel to use contraception again when we all have that deep desire just to get pregnant naturally. However they must have good clinical reasons to insist that you do the down regging first - suggests that your system is in better shape than mine since my doc was adamant that there was not enough going on with me to bother suppressing it.

I have heard of the scratch but it's never been mentioned by my clinic. I had actually meant to ask the consultant about it at my debrief but forgot. It's probably too far down the line for me to ask about and get it now, but I will ask if we end up having to do this a third time.

All fine at the ovary checking scan today, egg collection will be on Wednesday which is conveniently the day I don't work. Though last time the pain only kicked in the day after so Thursday at my desk could be uncomfortable. They saw 8 mature follicles which is I think more than they did last time so I am hoping we'll get a few more eggs this time. Trying to be calm and Que Sera about it though.

I'm just fed up waiting! I've fallen into the habit of sniffing DH's beer and now and again taking a micro-sip just to get the taste. It works not too badly actually.

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Daisyboo1203 · 07/12/2015 07:52

It's a flying visit. Only there for 2 days, then home for Xmas. Going the day I land in the uk so family don't know.
First time there so hoping for a day exploring
IVF starts Feb 2, so scratch should still help. Flying to Cyprus for that. Defo sunshine and rest!!