Thank you all for the kind words.
Yes AF is well and truly here.
I spent a good 20 mins crying in the loos at work yesterday. And then had a big weep all over DH at home in the evening too.
I really really hoped / wanted to either get pregnant while still BF, or for DD to dictate when she stops. And as my cycle patterns were improving, I hoped a bit of a boost from the gynaecologist would tip me over into BFP land.
I think now I need to let go of those wishes, and focus on the big picture. Perhaps we need to make a good space for another child in our lives. As DH said last night, another child would be great for all of us, including DD.
I told DD last night that the Boobs were going to stop working, that we have had an amazing journey, that I have loved every minute of it (while crying copiously). She didn't really listen, as she flitted between my two boobs as is her habit now.
She is really nearly there, ok with just one feed at bedtime, and that is minutes short and she flits between them. All the same she tells our nanny (and me) how much she loves boobs.
Still. Big picture. DH is putting her to bed tonight. I am still in the office, I have lots of deadlines approaching. Probably he will put her to bed tomorrow, too. If so, that will be the longest I've ever gone without feeding or pumping since she was born 27 months ago.
So this may be the end. Or maybe she'll have another little go some bedtimes yet. For me the big moment will be when she happily does bedtime with me without having a feed.
Dh and I have agreed to skip the gynae for a cycle or maybe two. It is crazy to spend that amount of money while I'm still feeding. Hopefully my cycle will settle down quickly, I'll get through these work deadlines well, we will get our house move done. We will try au natural meantime, although I've also talked with DH about how we need to prioritise the every day things: going to bed earlier, eating well, exercise. We have had too many cycles where we stay up late to DTD even though we are both running on empty. We are a bit the walking cliché of the cash rich / time poor couple, and that's not good physically or emotionally for conception. I don't think a gynaecologist can fix that, or vice versa, her help will go a lot further if we are prioritising the health and mindset basics.
I read my way out of misery yesterday, and found two links I thought I would share:
First this article www.thealphaparent.com/2014/12/how-to-get-pregnant-whilst-breastfeeding.html on how a sudden burst of energy dense foods can signal to your body that it is safe to get pregnant. I wish it had a bit more info on what to eat, but nevertheless I will be giving this a go this month to see if I can signal to my body that I'm ready. I have a v high metabolism, so getting to the point of my body intitively feeling abundance would help cycles I think.
Second this beautiful piece on the magic, power and joy of breast feeding www.naturalchild.org/guest/ruth_kamnitzer.html
I'll say it once more with feeling. I love my DD. I have loved every single moment of our breastfeeding journey. Whether it ends now or not, I hope and pray we can give her the sibling she deserves.