Husband doesnt want children... what do i do?

He can change his mind any time. You could spend your fertile years trying to change his mind. And that feeling you have will only get stronger with time.

It is a very real possibility that he could change his mind when your fertile years are gone.

He could just leave and find someone else to give him a child. It can and does happen.

Don't compromise. As an early thirties woman struggling with infertility, my advice to you would be to leave. The urge only gets stronger, you will think you can suppress it but you can't. It will lead to a miserable existence. He doesn't want children, you do. It will end in tears.

Some men do change their minds but some don't. Some say they want children then can't face up to the reality and leave. We can't tell you what is going on in your husbands mind only he can but if you decide to stay and wait it out it has to be on the understanding that you may never have children, he may never be ready.

I think you're making it more complicated than it is. It seems that you never discussed the topic - and you married him anyway (I know a couple who did that and now they have one child, husband refuses to have a second, wife is bitter because she wants more. But since they never discussed the topic, it's no one's fault).

From what I understand, he said that if you want to have children, he will. So, you have 2 options: find another man or have children with him anyway (since he's agreed, you're not deceiving anyone). It may work out well, it may not. But you can't force him to desperately want to have children.

Do you think he could be scared of failure?

No-one here can tell you what he is thinking. You have to ask him.

There is a chance that he might change his mind as he gets older but I don't think it's wise to gamble on that. As others say, it'll lead to so much resentment.

My DH was adamant that he didn't want children when we met and married. I did want a child with him but was genuinely happy to be with him without a child. We were 35 when out of the blue he said he might have changed his mind. Cue 5 years of desperately TTC. When I passed 40 I knew we'd missed the bus. 2 years later DS was born.

DH was completely floored by the feelings he had for his son. He's said that he wished he could have imagine what being a dad would feel like when he was 25, because he would have had lots of children if he'd known. But he couldn't imagine it. All he could see was dirty nappies, sleepless nights, curtailed freedoms etc.

I think he's just scared of failing as a parent
I fear that the reason he's reluctant to have our own children is because he's scared of failure.

You really need to stop guessing what is going on in his head and actually talk to him, but more importantly you need to LISTEN very carefully to what he is telling you. He told you before marriage "no way" and you chose to believe it was a joke, he is now telling you he never wants children and cant see himself as a father, yet again, you are choosing to believe he means something different. You are setting yourself up for massive heartache if you keep convincing yourself he doesnt really mean it.

Sit down and have a totally honest conversation. Get a definitive answer from him and LISTEN to it. Dont try and pretend he is saying something different that better suits your plans.

I want to disagree all the calls for divorce. My DP wasn't very keen on the idea of kids, he said maybe could do it when he's 40. Now he's 30 he's quite liking the idea and we're now trying. What helped is actually seeing friends having children and not losing their social life. Can you get him speak to friends who are parents but haven't lost their sense of fun. Get you husband to see that you will be the same couple with or without children. Keep having the conversation with him ane make sure youre both honest! 25 is still young so see what happens but maybe set yourself a deadline for plan b.

I really just wanted advise on how to help encourage him that having kids is the natural thing

I know you did, but for the third time- you cant! It isnt the natural thing. It is a lifestyle choice and no-one is wrong for choosing not to have kids. You would be very wrong to either guilt trip him or use peer pressure to make someone agree to creating a child with you.

I'm the lone voice here I think not advising leave him right now.
Do any of your friends have children yet? If he's not known friends have children yet that's another reason to give him a little longer.

what man doesn't love their children once they have them?

Oh, OP, it is a rather depressing fact of life that some men do walk away from their children and refuse to see them, try to pressure the mother into an abortion, never pay child support, say they were duped into fatherhood... the list goes on.

And he has told you he does not want children. He is not being horrible to think that way, plenty of people do not want children. We are all wary that he misled you, but you are young and perhaps did not discuss this clearly together. But his wish not to be a parent is every bit as valid as your desire for children. The problem for the two of you is the impossibility of compromise. You either have children or you do not.

Do you know a way I can encourage him that this is the natural thing to do as a couple

No. Because it isnt. It might feel like the natural thing to do for you but it isnt natural for everyone and you dont get to decide that someone else becomes a parent.

I have a feeling, however, that you have set your sights and wont be persuaded otherwise.

Do not stick around thinking, "oh he might change his mind". If he thought there was a possibility that he might change his views he would say, " not now", when he's actually saying, "not ever". He's telling you how he feels, although it's a bit fucking late now.

If you want kids get out now. I know you must have been feeling that you were "sorted"- married, bought your first house, decent jobs, planning a family- but it's time to face up to the fact that he doesn't share that plan. Your mate is talking shit to be frank; all that would do is breed resentment and introduce a child into the world against the will of one of the parents. He might love the kid but always resent it.

what man doesn't love their children once they have them?

Are you joking? Take a look at the lone parent board or the relationship board and see how many men walk away from their children without a backwards glance.

Do any of you have any advice on how to gently encourage him that this is the right thing?

You cant gently encourage him that its the right thing, because for him it isnt. He doesnt want children. He doesnt want to be a parent. That is a valid decision, you cannot impose your wishes on him. Not on something as important as creating a child. What you need to do is sit down and have a full and frank discussion with him about whether he is certain he doesnt want children and decide whether you can live with that or not.

Yes it might be because he's young.
But you can't count on that.
I'm a bit confused. Has he actually said, no kids no way. Or 'oh do you really want children, well if it's want you want...'
You know him, we don't.

By the way, you said you are new to this forum, and I have noticed over the years that this is one of the very few issues that produces overwhelming agreement on here. It is simply not possible to compromise on children, and you should not bother trying.

This issue comes up regularly, although important details change (the age of the woman, length of relationship, whether the dp has lied or not about wanting children, or OP has changed her mind, etc). Have a search for other threads if that might help. It never ends well, although sometimes women do resign themselves to never having children, and they never do, and the marriage survives her disappointment and grief.

The worst outcomes seem to be this: couple stays married, she reaches late 30s/early 40s/later, then they split and he goes on to have children with a subsequent partner. And she cannot.

OP he really hasnt put you first. He didnt want to tell you the truth so he lied to you rather than have an honest discussion and risk the relationship.

Give him two years, max. If he's still adamant it's never, leave him

Be cautious if you do decide to give him a time scale. A man who would lie to get you to marry him would be more likely to lie to get you to stay with him. He could tell you what you want to hear, offer you a time by which he will have a child with you then fob you off with some excuse or other (work is busy, he wants to travel, not earning enough blah blah) until it is too late for you to have children.