Husband doesnt want children... what do i do?

If he knew he didn't ever want children he definitely should have made this very clear to you prior to marriage. I'm pretty sure mine mentioned his desire for children after about 3 dates.
I guess now all you can do is have a very frank discussion about it, explain how important it is to you. It could be that one day he changes his mind but you can't rely on that.

It staggers me how some women will go to great lengths to excuse their partners behaviour rather that actually look at the cold hard truth.

He said that he only ever agreed with me before to entertain me
That would have completely floored me

he always thinks of me first and would do anything for me
No I'm sorry but he wouldn't. He went along with you for an easier ride for himself. He put himself first at enormous cost to you. It was extremely selfish and inconsiderate to not realise or even think about, the impact of his lie on you.

what man doesn't love their children once they have them?
Even if them love them, which many don't, it doesn't mean that they lift a finger or pay a penny towards the children they made it clear they didn't want in the first place.

You are minimising this. He should have been honest with you before you got married. By doing the whole going along with it if it's something you really want, it gives him a get out to do anything he wants to do.

I think he's just scared of failing as a parent
Where on earth do you get that idea from! That makes NO sense whatsoever.

I don't think you should pack your bags just yet, but I do think you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Him going along with things to make you happy, is fine if all he's doing is going shopping on a Saturday afternoon, or watching a chick flick rather than an action movie, but it's not fine when it's bringing a child into this world. He is choosing the path of least resistance rather than being extremely considerate and loving. Some things in life, he needs to be open and honest about, and sometimes that means having a difficult conversation.
I would talk to him soon and start by saying, I've been thinking about our conversation the other day, and this is how I feel - not just about your desire for children, but his approach to your relationship.

I read this as code for 'if you want children then don't expect me to raise a finger'

You wouldn't need to go to the expense of a divorce - announcing after the marriage that he doesn't want children is grounds for annulment...

OP I really feel for you. It is something that he should have brought up a long time ago. Unfortunately you cannot make someone want children and if you were to get pregnant without his 'consent' it probably would be a deal breaker for him :(

bella he nodded along for purely selfish reasons. He wanted you. He didn't want to lose you. He was willing to lie to get it. If he loved and respected you that much he would have been honest.

Men feel broody too - don't treat him as if he needs specail treatment. Dp is desperate for another but I'm still thinking about it.

He lied to you. A fucking great big whooper to manipulate you in to staying with him.

How can you believe anything he will ever say again.

He is very cruel and there is no way I would choose his path way rather than the one you wanted to take.

I have no idea when you should talk to him. Give it a few weeks or months, to make things clearer in your mind. You have to know WHEN you want kids, and picture being childless your whole life - is it an acceptable possibility? I never, never wanted not to have children, but I have a friend who has loads of plans for a fulfilling happy child-free life. She pictures herself old, childless and happy.

To me it looks straightforward: you want kids, he said he will have them. You don't want to divorce him. So you go on, discuss if you'd be happy with one child or if you want more - get pregnant, start your family and hope for the best. Your marriage may not survive. Or it may be just fine.

DH and I always wanted children. We had them and since DS1 was born our marriage is not going well. So, in the end you never know. (it sounds bitter but my point is that there's only so much you can plan)

Hi Bella
firstly apologies but i haven't read all the previous replies, so sorry if my POV isnt new.

I've been with my DH about 13 years, for most of those we both said we didn't want children, because it was true at the time. in the last couple of years (I'm 34) i've started to feel more broody and have dropped hints that I'm not so anti-baby anymore. eventually late last year we ahd the 'talk' ...long story short, he's still not 100%, and I said I didn't want to force him (wouldn't choose a baby over him - I wanted his children not any children), I gave him time to digest (couple of months) and now I'm a few weeks pg...he's still a bit hesitant/worried but I'm sure he'll be fab when it becomes more real.

So my point is don't give up hope; you're still young; I wouldn't try to pursuade him as such, but gentle casual mentions/chats perhaps; do you spend much time with children? would you be the first of your close friends to have a baby?...we are not by a long way but I can imagine it'd be harder to envisage life with a baby if you're the first. perhaps he's worried about the changes it will bring, about how he'd support you etc etc. does he have any dad friends?

good luck, he'll probably come round :)

'people do change how they feel'

Yes, on their own terms and in their own time, if at all. You cannot change someone's mind for them. You need to be prepared for him not to change his mind on this issue. But in the meantime, ask him why he doesn't want children and listen to the answers. Even if they seem silly to you, listen to what he tells you and don't try to change his mind.

Bella I think that's an amazing positive attitude to have!! A friend of mine was in same situation once and she said she married her husband because of who he was and because she chose HIM to spend the rest of HER life with ..... Not because of his sperm!! It made me giggle but was true! DH told me when he wanted and I didn't that he wouldn't leave me but it would make him unhappy at times!! That made me really sad!! Be honest with DH and reassure him that you love him no matter what and won't leave him but he needs to know his decision and actions make you sad inside xx

A small story for you. From the other sex's side but same as yours.

My DH had wanted kids from since as far as he can remember. He was always a "dadsy" type who was upfront with his first girlfriend that kids are definitely a goal of his vision of life. They got engaged at 23, having had this discussion and she said, yes, I too would deeply love kids, and let's get married first and in a year we can start trying.

They got married. After a year, she told him she didn't ever want kids, never wanted children, and had lied to him to spare his feelings.

Well, that thankfully ended in divorce. He is married to me now and we are expecting our first baby and he is 32, I am 30. We are happy.

In his book too, that giant lie about wanting kids and then admitting that that was actually a liter after getting married, was grounds for divorce.

I think you're in a very good position in some ways OP:-

He has said if you want one he will agree - so ultimately you won't be left feeling bereft and cheated

You have said you will not leave him to find someone else who actively wants children with you, so you don't have to decide which you want more husband or baby - because you've already chosen husband (and in any case he's already chosen you + baby rather than nothing

You have time on your side.

My advice, leave it a year or two more. Enjoy freedom, see that niece plenty. Then go for it and trust he'll be as good as his word and go along with you because he wants you to have what you want.

I would talk to him soon, not wait a month, as otherwise you'll be holding back on your emotions when talking about what it have for tea etc. There will be a tiny issue that eats away at both of you. You need to be open too and tell him what you've told us.
Lots of people do change their mind about children over the years, but you need to be sure.
To put it in perspective, I have a disability and always wanted children, unbelievably maternal. Now I can't have children the traditional way, my husband still wants to be with me whether we have children or not. We want to be together whatever happens and children would be awesome. He would rather be with me and no children than even think about anything else.

I'm not in agreeance that you should instantly leave!! Marriage is a journey and needs work to be put into all the nooks and crannies!! He should have "lied" but just let him know that it hurt you!

I was in a the opposite boat to you .... It was ME who didn't want any and my husband "agreed to humour me" and I was happy thinking we were going to be just us forever!! BUT he then told me he did and I said its kids or divorce!! He talked me into marriage counselling and it took 3 sessions to discuss!! I'm not TTC with everything I've got and can't wait!

dont give up yet but do talk an talk and talk and talk!! You obviously love each other!! Xx

OP i think that if you do choose to stay with your DH then you really both should think about getting some guidance on how to communicate better with each other. There seems to be a lot going unsaid or misinterpretted. It is odd that you are asking strangers what he is thinking and when would be best to bring the subject up again. You are married to him, after 5 years you should know when best to bring subjects up with him. (Personally i would have the discussion now while it is fresh rather than let it slide for another few months) but do try and get some help with your communication. It will make your lives a lot less stressful if you are both sying exactly what you think and understanding exactly what is being said.

'You really need to stop guessing what is going on in his head and actually talk to him, but more importantly you need to LISTEN very carefully to what he is telling you'

This. You need to separate fantasy from reality OP. He is not a child who can be manipulated into thinking and feeling what you want him to. He is telling you very clearly that he does not want to be a father. He might change his mind - well yes, so might you. How would you feel if he was biding his time waiting for your (as he saw it) silly little idea about having a baby to pass? Would you be ok with that, or would you be furious with him for not taking you seriously?

As for the friend who advised you to go ahead and that his 'paternal instincts' would kick in when the baby arrived, please ignore that nonsense and never take advice from her ever again. As another poster said, you don't get to choose to make another person a parent against their will. For some people, there is nothing 'natural' at all about becoming a parent. It's not for everyone. Listen to what he is telling you.

OP, I'd pause for a while and reflect. You've been given some honest and clear opinions on here but if this were me, I wouldn;t make any decisions just yet.
25 is very very young. I'm 43 and can't believe I was married to my exH at 24!!!
I was your DH at that age. Luckily my then DH thought the same. hated kids - noisy, annoying little balls of nuisance. We travelled the world, partied, had lots of fun.

And then I got older and hit 30. Boom - the desire to have kids hit me and didn't go away. Amazingly, my then DH was the same and seemed keen to, only, well by then I'd sort of stopped loving him and found I'd got married too young.
We divorced and I met DP (soon to be DH). We have 2 amazing children, DD 6 and DS 3.

They are the best thing in the world and I pinch myself everyday and really dislike me at 25!

So, my point is this. You love DH, you want kids, you want him to want kids as much as you. This may never happen or he may change over time as he gets older, so might you.
You have to decide what your tipping points are. At 25 you have enough breathing space to think. At 30, not so much.
You know him best - would he walk off if you did get pg? It's very hard but everyone is different. I have one friend who is 52 who bitterly regrets not having kids with now exH. She wanted to, he didn't. They divorced 2 yrs ago and she, in her eyes, has been left with nothing.
Yet my other friend has a DH who was very reluctant. He agreed to try half heartedly. They had a baby girl followed by a son. He adores them. He doesn't want anymore and wasn't very keen to have a second but now he has them, he wouldn;t be without them.

I think the long point I'm making is everyone is different and things may change or they may not but it is a hard way ahead for you as you have decisions to make. Can you go away and have a really proper talk of the pros and cons? Explore reasons?

As soon as we were to have one, I know he would be amazing,

You dont know. You hope. So much so that you have convinced yorself he would be amazing but you have no guarantee of that and you cannot take that risk on a child. Not an innocent child who deseres to have two willing parents. You cannot reverse that decision if he turns out not to be amazing and finds out that he was right all along- that he didnt want children.

OP, are you honestly prepared not to have children for the sake of this man? Would you rather be married to him than to have the child you so much want? Because that is quite likely what this boils down to, a simple either/or decision.

If you'd been longer on the board, you would see numerous agonised posts from women who were with men who said the same thing as your DH, and who were getting to their mid or late 30s - in some cases, after the relationship ended, the men went on to have a child with a new partner, while the woman remained childless. It's a deeply difficult situation.

You need to listen to what your husband is telling you. It's possible he will change his mind, yes, but certainly not inevitable, and I don't think you should put it on the long finger because you're young and have fertile years to spare. Ask yourself if you will wish you had acted differently if you could see into the future and know that you will be childless at 30, or childless at 35. Because, to be brutally honest, if you know that you really want a child, it will be easier to find a new partner who does want children sooner rather than later, to give yourself the best possible chance of having children.

And I echo other posters - having children is not the 'natural' thing to do. For some people it is, for others, absolutely not. He is telling you it is not for him. Thinking you can 'gently persuade' him otherwise is a long road to nowhere. You cannot make someone want a child he doesn't want. And having an 'accidental' pregnancy in the hope he would love a child he didn't want or plan would be a huge - and immoral - risk.