Bring along any luck you can find ..This BESHly fred is brought to you by the magic number 3 - come on Hags, we can Foo it!

blue sorry to hear that MrB is taking things hard at the moment. It is difficult for the menz. Does he have a good friend he could talk to about it? GFBW is usually the upbeat and strong one, but his brother and wife also went through mc and ivf and I think he has found it good to talk, if not often, about it.

Facebook is the devil's work. GFBW posted a pic of me and lots of relatives at the weekend, and I was furious because it's a v unflattering one of me - I look like I'm 4-5 months pg! All I could think about was people looking at it and speculating about my diffedness. And then my sis gently pointed out that not everyone scrutinises FB pics in the same way...

barking and chez hope you are hanging in there.

I know Blue - you speak the truth!

How are you, lovely?

Barking & Chez thinking of you guys!

More FB pregnancy announcements today - bangs head against the table - Gaaaaaagh. What do people without fertility issues do with their time, with all that energy and head space???

Well done chez. I found that I couldn't tell anyone. There were two people in the office that knew about the ivf, but they didn't ask and I just didn't trust myself to say anything without crying. Which would have been fine if I could have done that without the whole office being aware, but I couldn't. So I cried in the toilets and then pulled myself together and spent the rest of the day feeling numb. Even got through the interview where I asked the question 'so tell us about yourself and what you're up to at the moment' and she told us she was on maternity leave. I wanted to punch her .

DCW is still struggling. He's still on holiday so spent the day on his own. When he finally dragged himself out he bumped into a friend and her baby. Said friend knows the ivf failed from me (she had a mc and failed ivf before her baby so is sympathetic) but DCW was too upset to let her go anywhere near the subject and said it was really awkward .

I've now got a migraine. Headache getting steadily worse for the last 4 hours, drugs not touching it, lying in a dark room and phone screen on dimmest setting but still hurting my eyes obviously I'm on it anyway and feeling progressively more nauseous. Probably just stress/too much crying this morning....

Fanks hags, you're all the best. We'll all get through this shit somehow.

Thanks for your thoughts hags, I've made it through work today, just, by leaning hard on an understanding colleague. Having someone who knows and is supportive with a quick word or a nod for the weak moments is amazing. Plus I'm coming down hook line and sinker with ROCH's fucking cold, so at least I have an excuse for looking like rheumy eyed death and staggering about like a miserable fucker.

Reaching out a hand for you Barking, we're in this together dude.

I echo what these wise Hags say. If you can stay at home then do it - you need to mourn what could have been. It's really important that you give yourselves time to grieve. Life can be truly shit sometimes and stoicism only hides that shit away under a thin veneer until some other time. It will be hard to think this at the moment but please don't forget you are both amazing Hags. You've been through so much already but I'm sure you will get your wins eventually, even if it wasn't when you hoped it would be.

Barking, cherry - you are both in my thoughts today. I agree with erica and blue: cry if you need to, let it out, fuck the stiff upper lip.

Barking and Chez thinking of you both today. You know what I think... fuck being stoic!

bugs I've been stalking the adoption threads for well over a year, so I know she's one of those approved and waiting for a placement. I've also got two friends in real life who have adopted plus two couples I know going through the process now. And I have adoptive siblings, as does DCW. All this means is that I'm aware of how much this isn't the easy option .

I know I should stop thinking about this right now and give it a week for my emotions and hormones to calm down. Right now I'm pretty close to crying at my desk. In an open plan office. Fuck.

oh barking, if you don't have to then don't go. if you do, then is there someone you can email the news in advance do you don't get the 20 questions?

chez I feel the same about adoption. If it was an easier process I'd jump on it, but in reality I know that there are lots of approved couples sat waiting for a match, having gone through a year of heartache to get there. People seem to think it's still like the 60's when babies were forced from unwed mothers and you can just go and pick one . It's making me lean towards investigating the Prague option. DCW said to me last night, 'we WILL be parents, you might just have to skip the pregnancy bit,' and it felt like a kick in the stomach . I don't know if having two brief pregnancies makes it harder or not to accept that I might never have a successful one. So close yet so bloody far.

I'm sat in the bathroom crying. I do not want to go to work. People are going to ask me if it worked and I need to not start crying in our entirely open plan office .

chez and barking thinking of you both lots today. It all feels so unjust, you've both been absolutely expemplary in your prep for this and you both deserve your wins so, so much. I hope you're both getting lots of love from ROCH and DCW and are able to take a breath and give all of this the time needed for you to reach the next right step for you, whatever that may be.

chez a good friend of mine finally got her DE win at a clinic in Spain. The costs here were just wrecking them. Not the time or the place really with it all being so raw but if you'd like me to get the details from her I'd be very happy to.

Un-BESHly group hug for you both

I had my last drucks last night too Barking, by estimates Wed/Thur should be the worst of it. Just gotta get through this week and an away trip with work Thur/Fri. Feel so bloody empty. Right now I'm filling that hole with gin, obvs, in a totally adult and responsible way. Cheers hags, onwards and fucking upwards, whatever that means.

I'm glad you have your frostie Barking to give you another go. It'll be time well spent to give that beaut a go in a couple of months. I rang the clinic today and was offered a follow up apt tomorrow. Too bad we can't make it, have had to settle for one at the end of the month instead.

Where we go from here I'm not so sure. I don't know if I can go through any more of this; right now the financial and emotional investment feels too big to gamble with again yet I can't imagine accepting being childless yet. The small amount of reading I've done into adoption sounds like there are way more adoptees than children out there at the moment. Last time we talked about this as an option ROCH wasn't keen but it's still an option I feel drawn to exploring further. Who the fuck knows and why does all of this have to hurt so much?

God Barking, that's terrible. I hope the consultation helps though and that you and DWC have a chance to look after yourselves in the meantime...

Thinking of you and Chez ...

Two weeks today Erica, which in a cruel twist of fate is when we would have been celebrating the first birthday of our first baby if it had made it. Life really twists the knife sometimes.

Barking after getting a BFN after the failed IUIs, I always hoped the nurse told me that the beta tests had come back positive for some reason...

The whole business sucks. Do you know how soon you'll be able to see the consultant?

Just spoken to the clinic. Confirmed it failed. Nurse said we'd have to wait a couple of cycles for my body to recover before doing a frozen cycle. More waiting. That'll take us over 3.5 years. I said we wanted to see the consultant first before blindly trying again. If he won't test for nk cells and do a scratch (this is what he mentioned could happen in this situation last time we saw him, on the basis of two mc's plus one failed iui and a failed ivf) I'll look into doing it privately before the frozen cycle.
DCW is not taking it well. He's usually the strong one . I know we will get through this, but right now I feel lost. And angry. And overwhelming sad. And that's before the progesterone crash kicks in.
A tiny part of me thought the nurse was going to tell me I was pregnant .

cherry, barking - my heart goes out to you both. I'm so sorry - this is fucking unfair.

I didn't do the bum bullet this morning chez, I'm already worried about the hormone crash and I've previously been on 200 for the iui not 400, please tell me I won't be twice as mental?