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Conception

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Husband won't let me have babies!

34 replies

Acceber · 26/10/2006 14:05

Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum. And because I'm here everyone will deduce that I'm desparate for a baby but my husband won't let me. We got married in June and now he says we should wait and enjoy our lives before we have kids. He wants to start trying in 2009! As I'm in control of the contraception I'm having bad, sneaky thoughts about forgetting my pill.... Has anyone done this or is it wrong! wrong! wrong!

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motherinferior · 08/11/2006 22:49

Does he mean 2009? If so, I'd say stick with 2009. If he means 'oh hell I'm "not ready"' I'm...well, I'm not sure what I'm recommending.

Some people - women as well as men - do change their minds over time about whether they want children. My partner split up with a girlfriend in his 20s because she wanted children and he didn't. When I met him in his 30s, he'd moved to a point where he did vaguely want them. But it isn't something you can guarantee, at all - so please don't hang in there assuming he'll change his mind.

A couple more baby-free years, though, that sounds gooooood

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 08/11/2006 22:37

When I started dating my husband (I had known him as a friend of a friend for 10 years)he was a confirmed batchelor.He said he wanted nothing heavy,no marriage or kids.

I moved in 6 weeks later, we had a child 2 years later and got married when she was 6 months old as I went to arrange baptism and priest said he would marry us (I was a divorced catholic)DH was gobsmacked when I came back and he said 'have you booked it?' and I said yes and we are getting married too!!

Now hes as happy as Larry and loves his life.In my experience, most men need a kick up the arse and tbh i put my cards on the table.I was 36 when i had dd and I had waited long enough.I said if you want me then we are going to have a baby,end of.

Might sound harsh to some of you, but if something is that important to you then it should be for them to.

LittleWonder · 08/11/2006 19:10

Tell him you are coming off the pill to give your body a break - this is a very good idea. From now on contraception is up to him.
and keep talking.
get other positive male influence onto him - he may have heard stories from his male friends about "no more sex now we have a baby" etc etc
so he needs also to spend time with some happy Dads who still see enough action. hem hem.
we had a very child negative friend over, he was chatting to DexH about how his partner wanted a child and he didn't. I took him upstairs to see our two asleep in their cot and bed - and asked him wht the big deal was, why was he scared. they have a lovely dd now - extremely spoiled by her doting Dad.
good luck

PeachyClair · 08/11/2006 18:56

I would try explaining Duchesse's therem to him: a baby in 2009 means conceiving (or beginning to ttc- explain it can take years) in 2007; then you need to be off the pil for two months etc etc etc-

just to see how he reacts.

It may give you some ideas on how likely he really si to change the goal posts agin. Alternatively you could say ' I'm worried you will change the goalposts agin and I feel you have taken a very important decision without consulting me'. You need to establish if it's just not ready-ness, which is understandable, or if he's backing down on the baby bit- in which case my love, you have a lot of thinking to do.

tottle · 08/11/2006 18:45

hi there, my advice is try and talk DH round as i waited and found out i was infertile...after I V F treatment still no children..we are adopting a baby early next year..time is precious

MrsMcJnr · 08/11/2006 18:39

Acceber, I really feel for you and hope he comes round. I like you got married in June and for me, I know now is the right time for me and I am just lucky that DH feels the same. We have been togather 5 years and lived together all of that time so we've had plenty of time on our own. DH still worries about the financial implications of having a baby and hopefully, he won't worry continually when I do fall pregnant but he is in the same place. I'm 33 in a few weeks and (DH is just a couple of weeks younger). I always thought I would have had kids years ago but for me, it had to be the right man and I had to have a ring on my finger before I was in the right frame of mind. I hope you get things sorted soon. It must be causing you a lot of stress and sadess .

LucyJones · 08/11/2006 12:55

I would say don't have children with someone who isn't 100% committed to having them. My dh wasn't certain he wanted them at all but I talked him round. Now he loves them to bits but it is a hard slog sometimes when I need more help than he gives me knowing that it was me who wanted them more than him.

liath · 08/11/2006 12:30

I'd agree with Duchess and talk about coming off the pill - it wouldn't commit you to TTC but would give you an idea of what your natural cycle is etc.

FWIW I got married at 26 and was desperate to start a family ASAP. DH wanted to wait so we started TTC when I was 29 then it took 4 years to get pg so I ended up having my family in my mid 30s rather than mid 20s......

I think a lot of people can forget that men's fertility doesn't decline with age the way women's does & that you're not necessarily going to get pg as soon as you start to try.

hunkermunker · 08/11/2006 12:07

He's moved the goalposts, as others have said, and left you feeling hurt and a bit angry with him.

Don't "do it back to him" by getting pregnant "accidentally on purpose" - makes you no better than him.

Talk to him. Ask him why he doesn't feel ready yet. DH was a bit hesitant about having babies - he didn't like them much, had never had anything to do with them (avoided where possible - saw them as unpredictable shouting things who made mess both ends - fairly accurate, really ). But we were forced into trying really, as I was told I'd never have children and we decided to go down the road of assisted conception, because we knew that we did want children eventually.

And he is the best dad now - very involved, very hands-on, patient, loving, kind - I love watching him with the boys.

So don't make this into a battle. Just find out what's worrying him so much. I don't think it's a terrible thing to wait to have babies or to have them now - but it has to be because you're both happy to, or it could be the end of your marriage.

Good luck with it - and do try counselling if you can't get anywhere just talking to him.

poppynic · 08/11/2006 12:00

I started wanting a baby when I was 28. I was 33 when I met my current partner. We both "knew" it wouldn't work because he defo didn't want children and I defo did. However we got on well and couldn't seem to break up. Eventually I decided I would have to as I was now 35 and desparate to be in a relationship where I could have a baby. I told him we would break up after our planned holiday, I was going off the pill, and he would have to use condoms. He hated them, got slack and I got lucky. Even though I never "tricked" him, he really resented the fact that I "allowed" myself to get pregnant. The entire pregnancy and most of the first year was hell. However, now he loves being a father and "gave" me a birthday card "voucher" for a second baby on my 40th birthday - conceived that night - at my age you can't muck around....

I absolutely would NOT recommend "forgetting" to take the pill. Surely a relationship has to be based on trust, if nothing else. As you say, I think it's wrong! wrong! wrong!

I think lots of men are scared of losing their freedom and maybe now it's right in his face he is frightened. I suggest lots of talking and, if that gets you no further, counselling can't hurt. I also find when men's friends start having babies they start to think they can do it too. - Do you have any friends in the family way?

maewest · 08/11/2006 11:38

It's really important for you to talk to your DH about how he feels about starting a family. I was the same age as you when I started to feel broody (and had been with DH for about the same amount of time, got together young). When I first brought the subject up I didn't get a great response. I then left it a while and got a bit uptight about it - kept going round in my head that he didn't want kids EVER. Then I tackled him again and we really talked, not just on one occasion, took a while. We talked about what our fears and hopes were, he really felt the responsibility of starting a family, was worried about his job, being a good enough father etc. We then came to an agreement that I would not renew my pill when my prescription ran out (about 6 months in the future). I came off the pill and we applied a wait and see approach to conception and had some great sex. When after 6 months I phoned him at work to tell him the test was positive he was over the moon. Our DS is now 3 months old and DH is the most devoted father you could imagine (was pretty fab during labour too).

What I'm saying is that you need to get to the bottom of why he wants to wait - does he realise how important this is to you? What are his worries, and can these be overcome?

spinamum · 08/11/2006 11:09

Agree. Don't trick him. Not a healthy choice,but I do understand what you mean!

My DH and I didn't try for our first son,but just didn't try not to IYKWIM. We were the first in a lot of our diff groups of friends to conceive and that does make a differance to the man(sorry is that sexist?) He still thinks he's missing out on some mad social life that noone is actually having. We are pg with number 2. (ttc for about a year,but again Dh is in denial that we were trying!) He's a great dad but fundimentally is still in some frame of mind that won't let him accept that our kids were planned(more so with no 1 TBH) Lots more of our friends have kids now and he seems more accepting of being a parent.(He is a brill dad in case I've not emphasised that and loves our sons!)

I think the point I'm trying to make is that maybe ,as someone already mentioned. your DH is just feeling a bit scared of being THAT grown up and missing out on life. maybe talk to him about being more casual about birth control and let nature take it's course. (Relaxing about it actually helped to get pg 2nd time around)

snowleopard · 08/11/2006 10:51

I'm with fishie. Don't trick him, but do put pressure on him. Why is it his right to decide - what you want, and what you previously agreed, is important too, isn't it? He's probably terrified and will do anything to maintain the status quo because he can't imagine the big life change having babies will involve - and he's not feeling that need inside him like you are, which counteracts the fear of change. Me annd DP were in this situation - him putting it off endlessly - he thought it would be fine to wait until we were 40! And it was just because he's scared of change and likes his lie-ins and his comfort zone, and had no concept of what having a baby would be like so decided to stick his head in the sand. I woke up on my 34th birthday and said "I want us to start trying NOW" and went on about it non-stop. Like your DH, he wasn't saying "no babies", he was just saying "not yet" and I pointed out we did not have forever and I was sick of waiting. Now he is a happy and committed parent. Talk to your DH about how important this is to you and how much he'll love it once it happens. Don't buckle under - what you want matters too.

duchesse · 08/11/2006 10:50

Also, I have two good friends who after being on the pill for a long time, took several years to conceive. You might consider switching to a barrier method for a year or so before you decide to conceive. If your husband says 2009 for a baby, that means ttc from 2008, which would mean coming off pill sometime in 2007 (two months' time!), bearing in mind that barrier methods are often more unreliable ahem than hormonal ones, even correctly used. I personally would discuss every detail with hubandio though, so he is aware of the exact implications of every method.

duchesse · 08/11/2006 10:44

Hi- this sounds like a really difficult dilemma. This never really arose for us because we conceived our first child accidentally on purpose (read- we both knew about contraception and had it, but elected not to use it) at 24. We had been together for 5 years and were very close but not married or living together. We had not talked concretely about having children, only as an abstract concept sometime in the future.

As it turns out, it was the right thing for us, and I don't regret for a moment having them young. At some points when they were very small (we had three in four years), we wished we had waited a little, but that was problably the tiredness talking... I initially told my now husband (we married two months after our first child was born) that if he did not want the baby, I was prepared to bring it up alone.

He said that he loved me and wanted me stay, and fell in love with the baby well before he arrived (ie after a few weeks of pregnancy). He had lost his own father very shortly before all this happened, and reasoned that having children young was probably a very good idea in the circumstances (his own father had been 42 at his birth, abd not in very good health).

Yes, it was a gamble (but, I hasten to say, utterly unintentional), and it is a very individual situation that worked out well in the end (quite quickly actually). Nobody can gauge this situation for you, as only you know your husband's depths, strengths and abilities.

I agree with somebody else who said that he may be scared of the decision itself, however, only you can judge if his attitude is more born of lack of commitment or even, dare I say it, shallowness. I also agree that it could be the making of him.

Uki · 30/10/2006 12:14

Just thought I'd tell you my story
My dh was initially the one that said "maybee we should start trying now" we had been married 8 years and I too had been thinking it was probably time, i wanted a baby before 30 and was 28 then. I had 3 m/c and then a baby 2 months after 30 birthday. Although in retrospect I still think i am a relatively young mum.
Dh is of course enrapt with ds and such a help, i think really because he wanted him. To be honest I think our hormones and all make it easy to become clucky and also we naturally seem to nuture babies. I think this can come out better in men if they want babies themselves and are ready, some men can become detached and closed if not ready.

Pollybloodyanna · 30/10/2006 11:35

I agree with fishie - there probably won't be a right time, but once he has kids he (probably) won't regret it (most of the time anyway )

lulumama · 30/10/2006 11:34

you might find getting pregnant accidentally might be the makings of him..he will love fatherhood and be thrilled !

or he might be distraught you took that decision alone and 'tricked' him into giving you what you want....which might well finish things off.

talk it through first...even if you get pregnant ' by accident'; and tell him it wasn't..do you honestly think he will believe you..

and then your trust is gone and will be very hard to rebuild....

SSSandy · 30/10/2006 11:29

I don't find it such a great crime to have an "accident" and get pregnant within a marriage to a man you've known for 7 years (!) and when the plan was for you to have a baby around now. I do sometimes wonder just what the point is in getting married if you cannot have even one child (which you can afford and have a home for) until 3 years down the track. I don't think he's being reasonable or fair to you really.

However I don't know him and can't guess how he'll react. It would be very hard to be pregnant and suddenly find yourself alone if the worst came to the worst, wouldn't it?

cloudexplosion · 30/10/2006 11:20

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charlyp · 26/10/2006 15:10

don't think you need to rush off and see a councellor jsut yet, why nott ry talking about your issues with him first, maybe take him out fo the house, have always found dh and I have much more constructive discussions about contentious issues if we are having a dinner or drink somewhere neutral where neither of us can lose our temper or walk away.

JennyLeEVIL · 26/10/2006 15:01

I tried for a baby with my partner for 3 years untill we got ds , so you have to consider what if you get to 2009 and then it takes ages? you don't know untill you try lol. speak to him and tell him how you feel adn ask him to be straight about whether he wants children or not

fishie · 26/10/2006 15:00

are you sure he really means it? dp admits that if it had been up to him there would never have been a 'right' time and he is really grateful that i put my foot down.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2006 14:59

You've already been together for 7 years.

He told you you'd be trying now.

Now he's just said, 'Nope, we'll see in THREE years.'

Unacceptable.

I don't see why you should wait just b/c you're in your mid-20s.

See a counsellor.

Iklboo · 26/10/2006 14:34

We got married in October 2004 and started trying for a baby in January 2005, figuring it'd take me a while to get pg since (a) I'd just come off t he pill and (b) I was 35.
We reckon I conceived on or around Valentine's day 2005, DS born one week after our 1st wedding anniversary.
Now, I wouldn't be without DS for a million, squillion years BUT with hindsight, I think maybe we could have waited a bit longer and more us time.
But I don't care now of course, cos DS is the bestest bestest bestest

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