Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

Well, that's it, she's had the baby and gave it dd's name. One of her family members come up to me today saying 'she's had her beautiful baby girl' (not mentioning a name, not one of them has said the name to my face) and I didn't know what to do, she tried to show me a picture. I just walked off. Now everyone is telling me I'm out of order

ducky thank you for confirming that about my notes. I'm going to take my notes with me on Wednesday when i see the bereavement midwife and let her see what a shambles they've been left in x

Sorry for the double post!

Town how come you stop taking them at 34 weeks? Glad they're making you feel a bit better, even if it's just for now x

Kayleigh, glad your rainbow is giving you some wiggles yes you are right that part about other children/pregnancies should be completed to include any stillbirth and if I remember correctly it should even detail early losses? Id remind your midwife next time you see her, is she nice? I will be thinking of you and Ben Wednesday x

Town how come you stop taking them at 34 weeks? Glad they're making you feel a bit better, even if it's just for now x

Kayleigh, glad your rainbow is giving you some wiggles yes you are right that part about other children/pregnancies should be completed to include any stillbirth and if I remember correctly it should even detail early losses? Id remind your midwife next time you see her, is she nice? I will be thinking of you and Ben Wednesday x

Apologies for not checking in for a few days.

ducky i'm so sorry to hear you had to deal with seeing that woman straight after visiting dd's grave, as if you weren't upset enough, hey? As for "letting it go" i'm not sure i could in your position. Sending you hugs x

critter sorry to hear you had the worry about the spotting, glad all is ok with baby.

flambola i include Ben when people ask me how many children i have (much to my mother's annoyance) but to be honest the way i see it is he's my son regardless of whether he's here physically or not.

AFM well the bad dreams seem to have eased off, which i find ironic with it being Ben's birthday on Wednesday. My rainbow is giving me lots of movements which is nice. I've now got our rainbow's pram (it got delivered on Thursday) which has prompted a few people to tell me i shouldn't have it in the house because it's bad luck. Apologies if anyone here agrees with that, but we hadn't even gotten around to buying a pram for Ben and the worst happened all the same.

Quick question though- in my antenatal notes, the page for listing previous pregnancies and births hasn't been filled in by the community midwives. Am i wrong in assuming that it should have been?

xx

Ducky not at all! I didn't see anything in you post that could be offensive? Please don't worry, I am clueless and was just rambling. Big hug. Hope you're doing ok. I would be upset about the name thing too. One of the things I hate about this is how it has made us more sensitive to that kind of thing. That girl sounds very thoughtless.

Flamboyant thinking of you, sorry it's been such a difficult week.

And sending hugs to flambola xxxx

Oh critter, I really hope I haven't offended you, or anyone else for that matter, with my last post it was a stupid thing for me to say. And as for people telling your friend about a 'replacement' that's disgusting so glad everything was ok with the bleeding, will they be keeping an eye on it? X

April, I posted that question on an earlier thread about what to say about whether it's your first, I used to just cry now I say no it's my second, my first was stillborn. People tend to be very kind after and I say it quickly so they kind of know not to ask questions. I think it all depends on the situation and how you are feeling x

Well, it was that girls due date yesterday (someone told me) and she's going to have a sweep today I just wish she had a different name. I'm finding I'm really really really really dwelling on it and it's driving me mad. I just don't know how to 'let it go'. There will be this little girl around me with my dd's name

One of DM's friends had a stillbirth not long ago, she then had a little girl. She put on Facebook last year that she was expecting again. My mom had a dream the other night that she saw her and her DH, they were wearing black, as was dm as if they were at a funeral, turns out, the day my dm had that dream they lost their baby at 34 weeks so heartbreaking. That's got to me too but I can't really tell anyone in RL

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Today has been a hard day but my Gran lived a long and happy life. She was 96 when she died.

I've been thinking long and hard about what to say with regards to this being my second pregnancy. I've come to the conclusion that I will be honest about it. I want to talk about James and I don't tend to shy away from things that could make people feel uncomfortable. That might change when the time comes, though!

I'll also not be telling anyone about this pregnancy until it's unavoidable. It's nice to be able to chat to you lot about it though.

april you are never alone. We are always here. Also, I found the 10 week stage really nerve-wracking as the 12 week scan is looming. Hang in there!

betty and cake - don't know if you're still reading, but I was thinking of you both this morning. Hope you're doing as ok as you can be.

Thanks Critter, I will tentatively tey out just being honest next time I am asked. Luckily I am only 10 weeks right now so I think I have a while to go before it's really obvious. I don't intend to really tell people this time until I'm so big it's obvious!.

Thanks for replying, always good to hear from this group as it makes me feel less alone x

Oh lovely April. I tell them the truth - I just say 'it's my second'. Often they don't follow up with any other questions so I leave it at that.

If they do ask another question, I say 'I had a little boy last year who died... so this is my second baby, but hopefully the first I will be able to take home from the hospital'. I've usually found that people are really kind. Often they don't know what to say, and just say, oh, I'm so sorry. But I've been surprised by how many people have been really really compassionate - total strangers - who've asked questions about my first baby. And it's kind of nice to have a reason to talk about him, if you see what I mean.

You should NEVER feel bad about 'denying' your first baby. Your first child knows how you feel. I'm sure of it. That relationship is sacred and special and pure love, and it's between just the two of you and it always will be. If you don't feel like sharing the information, you shouldn't have to - I just find it's nice to avoid people giving you loads of 'pregnancy tips' and having to stand there listening, if you see what I mean.

Critterpants/Blue - your posts really hit a chord with me. I feel so similar in relation to this pregnancy and the fact it's actually my second pregnancy and that this will be my second child. I wanted to ask you girls what you tend to say if people who don't know you ask if it's your first? I have been asked a couple of time and have said its my first as they are total strangers and it's quite difficult as it makes things quite awkward. I find those who have I told just don't know what to say and make a sharp exit to get away from me. I have ended up just saying yes it is my first and then I feel so bad denying my angel and have to listen after people tell
me what it's like to be pregnant and how I'll feel in my second trimester etc. I just don't know how to deal with this situation.

Flambola - sorry to hear about your gran, thinking of you.

Kayleigh - sorry to hear about the dreams. I have had a lot of trouble sleeping and bad dreams. I found a lavender spray on my pillow helped me get to sleep at least.

Ducky - you are totally entitled to feel how you do about the other pregnant lady. I would feel the same.

Love to all x

Oh winter - just wanted to say I went through the exact same thought process about VBAC vs repeat c section. I really wanted a natural water birth with J and dutifully did all the classes. My rainbow is due almost exactly 18 months after J, and I have really stressed out over the risks of repeat c sections (as I would like two more babies after this one).

But - the only thing I'd say is, just talk to your healthcare provider. My doctor said we could play it by ear and see how anxious he gets and how anxious I get as we get closer to the birth. You could end up going into labour at 37 weeks naturally anyway - you just don't know - but it might make you rest easier to have a plan.

I don't want to go past 39 + 3 (when J was born and died) so that may end up deciding things for me. I really fixated on the whole birth/vbac/repeat c section thing, just because my first birth was so messed up and so far from what I wanted - not just the baby dying, but the general anaesthetic, not seeing him for 12 hours after he was born, etc etc.

BUT I feel a lot calmer and more at peace with repeat c section now (my doctor says he's done them on women who've had 8, although that's not advised) and it's mainly thanks to having a caring, compassionate obstetrician who isn't ruling anything out and is listening to my fears and answering my questions. And that c section is likely to be least risky for the baby, and another full-term loss would break me.

ducky I am sorry you've had a rough day visiting your little daughter's grave. That sounds really tough. Hope you're doing ok.

kayleigh I have bad dreams too. I think it's to be expected! Hang in there, you will get through this.

april 34 weeks sounds like a good target to aim for. I think just take it as easy as possible, and go day by day.

flambola so sorry to hear about your grandmother's funeral, hope it went as ok as is possible. I have found this pregnancy exhausting too, and I think it's just that subsequent pregnancies after a loss are very tiring emotionally. Be gentle with yourself, take it slow when possible.

blue it's so lovely to hear from you. I bet people do think you're 'fixed' - so many people have said stuff to me now that I'm obviously pregnant like 'this is going to happen when you're a mum' and 'how do your parents feel about having their first grandchild' and 'oh, when you look at your first child, your heart shatters and it's so wonderful' - they don't mean their words to be painful but of course they are - because I am a mum, I had a baby, my heart shattered with joy looking at him too - but then he died - so this is the second grandchild not the first! But people are just wrapped up in their own stuff and they can't feel sad for us all the time. It really makes you treasure those people who do understand. We will always remember little E here. I am really happy to be having another boy but I know that will also up the 'replacement' factor. I've got a friend who's in the middle of a risky twin pregnancy where people have asked her if she feels better about the possibility of something going wrong with one twin because she has a 'back up' (ie the other twin). People are just clueless.

madem great to hear that your pregnancy looks good. I have everything crossed for you.

All ok here - I had a bit of scary spotting on Friday at 25 + 1 and my doctor told me to get checked out at the hospital. It was very weird being back in the Labour and Delivery ward for the first time since J was born. Some of the nurses and the midwife who looked after me after my c section were there and were really nice to us, and said they didn't want to see us back again for another 3 months! It turned out to be fine, just my cervix was bleeding a little, but closed, and although I was having contractions they said it was probably because I was dehydrated. Baby's heartbeat was all fine. It did bring back horrible memories of them trying to find J's and finding it was 90 last year. V relieved baby is ok.

Flambola, it's an incredibly stressful thing for you to do, aswell as dealing with your grandmothers funeral. I'm sending hugs your way x

Glad the scan went well April x

I'm sorry for the self indulgent post but I'm not doing too good at the mo today would have been dd's due date, instead of having a party I went and spent time at her grave with ds. When i left I saw that bitch girl tht is calling her dd the same as mine coming out the graveyard of my daughter I see the person who is going to have a living daughter with the same name right outside. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it, I see her all the time it's just a constant reminder of what I missed. She's so excited and care free about being pregnant too. I don't know if it's jealousy or anger or anything, I really don't know how to deal with it. she waved and I just went the other way

flambola i hope your Gran's funeral was as "ok" as it could have been. Sending you lots of love

madem the dreams haven't gone away yet (worse luck) but i'm sort of getting used to waking up in the mornings feeling like i haven't slept.

april glad your scan was good, and that you've now got your flights booked for your op.

Love to all x

Hi all

Hope everyone is doing well and had a good Easter. I certainly ate a lot of chocolate (and crisps and generally any carbs I could get my hands on!).

Had another scan the other day and all was good (day to day I can not accept that I am pregnant at all, I think its a defence mechanism). So I have now booked flights to have my operation back in the UK on April 23rd all being well. Just want it done and for the time to then go as quickly as possible. My sister in law is due in the next few weeks and I am dreading hearing that she's had her baby and I feel horrible to feel like that.

Seems there are quite a few of us due in October/November. After having my little angel so prematurely my target is to get to October when I'd be 34 weeks. Obviously I'd like to go as far as possible but trying to split it into little targets along the way.

Sorry not to name check people, I promise to do better keeping up with the posts! This thread really helps me as if it wasn't for this thread I'd go mad thinking about all the people who have perfect pregnancies etc.

x

Oh flambola, I certainly wasn't up to much other than crying 3 months on, and you have hormones and the death of your grandmother to deal with too (or have I misunderstood?). Big big hugs to you and strength for the next few days. When is your scan? We will all be thinking of you.

Ducky how are you doing?

Kayleigh how are the dreams??

Mademoiselle, April and winter - great news about your scans. It's so nice to hear everyone's doing well.

I have a second scan next week. I'm suddenly feeling very anxious. I've been suffering horribly with morning sickness but it's disappeared today. And it's my Gran's funeral tomorrow so feeling pretty fragile. I'm finally starting to deal with what happened too but it means I'm crying all the time and I can't deal with people. But I have to remember it's only been three months.

Sorry for being a Debbie downer! Hope everyone's having a nice bank holiday weekend and enjoying the good weather.

ducky that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that when things should have finally been less stressful. I'm glad you've got a diagnosis now tho and hopefully it should get easier - I think they often grow out of it eventually don't they?? Or at least less severe? The gender thing - I was so relieved dd was a girl as then there was no way anyone could think E was somehow replaced. And also it sort of helped with the anxiety when pg, underlined that this time would be different. That said, so few people have remembered this year that I suspect people think we're 'fixed' in any case. I guess if you go on to have another it'll be a case of taking each day as it comes again and trying not to think iyswim?

Thanks kayleigh, we had a nice day as a family and went to the cinema after visiting E's grave. It was so different to last year, when I was like many people on here -pg with my rainbow and hoping things would be ok. We had a couple of nice messages from people which really helped.
I struggled with bad dreams when I was pg with dd btw - I'd actually forgotten til now but by the end I was hardly sleeping. It's the anxiety I guess. No help, but lots of sympathy! Xx

Great news about lots of good scans :) mademoiselle I remember dipping into the antenatal threads and then running away too & hiding on here! Today you are pg, today you are pg. Just get through today and if there are bits you can enjoy, go with it.
Wishing everyone gentle days and plenty of chocolate :)

ducky i know how you feel regarding the sex of the baby. When people have asked me what i'd like this time i've always said that as long as i get to bring this baby home i'm not overly fussed one way or another (we've got a name for either) . Having said that though, i've often wondered in quiet moments whether if this one is a boy the anxiety will increase.

lake the hospital i'm at send different appointment letters out seperately too and it can be annoying sometimes. I had my letter for my first consultant appointment weeks before my 12 week scan letter, but yet the appointments were only a week apart. I hope you manage to get work sorted for the appointments.

winter glad all is well. My emotions about this pregnancy are all over the place too, but the bereavement nurse i see said it's understandable. I know what you mean about birth plans ect though. I'd wanted a home birth with Ben but because i was so early i'd gone to delivery suite, and while i know that i wouldn't be able to have one now i'm still a bit sad that i'll never have that particular experience.

AFM well the dreams are still happening, i have wondered if they could be related to Ben with his birthday approaching. On the day itself we have an appointment with the bereavement nurse and midwife at the hospital, and then once the older dc's are out of school we're all going up to the grave. We always get the dc's a helium balloon on their birthday so i'm going to get Ben one and tie it to his grave marker and the when it's deflated i'll bring it home and out it in his memory box.

Hope everyone has a nice Easter xx

So I just went to read up and someone mentioned a good 7wk scan but a foetus who died the day before their 12wk scan. It's such a bloody minefield. I'm staying well away now. Lesson learnt!!