Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

Cake hope your DH is himself again soon x

Vickie that is fab fab fab news!!! X

Ellie my dog cost me £50 last week and £20 this week! Not good when your on maternity pay! I now have £5 to my name hope your kitty cat is feeling better soon x

Vicky Yay! Brilliant news, so pleased for you, I bet it is such a relief. I'm sure hubby will forgive you once he sees the scan pic

I feel like I'm doing well today, slmost feeling excited for the future rsther than fretting about getting pregnant asap. Only bad thing about today is I'm now £50 lighter after taking my cat to the vets, to be told she has acne!! How is that even a thing?! So I will be spending my Friday night lightly exfoliating my cats chin I swear stuff like this only ever happens to me!

Hoping everyone has a lovely weekend planned whilst I'm sat at home washing my cats face!

Hey ladies.... So what I didn't mention when posting yesterday was that I'd rang my hospitals epu as my bleeding/funny coloured discharge has continued since last week. They were lovely on the phone yesterday asked name, told her, she said do I recognise that name, said probably and briefly explained had been up a few times with last pregnancy but etc etc. she was like right we will see you in the morning for a scan no fuss no worries just come right up.

Anyway didn't tell anyone, not even hubby! (I reckon he's going to be peeved a bit when I tell him) anyways got v emotional when walked along preg clinic to get to epu (stupid place to put it really) had to walk past scan room where they'd told me about no heartbeat. Got to epu desk and couldn't talk... Felt like a right idiot! The ladies were so kind, ushered me quickly into room took details.

For those still reading my self indulgent post... We have a heartbeat!!!! The staff were fab, said if I ever need them call and they'll see me as soon as possible. Can't wait till hubby gets back from work to tell him. They printed pic off for me without me asking and gave it to me to show hubs.

Today is a good day!

Hope others of you are having a good day too

X

Oh Cake , so sad to see you go...I can sort of understand where you're coming from though - after months and months of ttc, finally getting pregnant and miscarrying almost straight away, I too found any type of pregnancy announcement quite hard to cope with, as it always made me feel even less adequate. But please don't throw away the key. You can dip in and out? I shall be thinking of you lots and I do hope that someone is able to help your poor dh. I will pray and hope that you can both get through this and turn this nasty page of your life. I am truly sorry that it's so tough right now. Big big hugs xx

Lake how lovely to see that things are progressing nicely for you and that everything went well today!

Winter town - I understand you so well, even though my loss was so much earlier. I don't think I am as scare as I used to be though: I was terrified when I got my BFP in December. Actually shaking. And it all went horribly wrong within less than 10 days. Now though, I feel a lot more pragmatic. 'What will be, will be' kind of thinking. And also oddly positive? How come, I do not know. But I try to force myself into baby shops (easier for me as I have a dd) and the other day, I held, cuddled and even fed a baby girl who shared her DD with our dear G. I thought it would be very difficult, but I felt strangely at peace: she wasn't my baby. I was able to comprehend that she was someone else's baby and her being alive had in no way impacted the life of my baby. An odd feeling.

It's nice coming back here sometimes, when I feel strong. I love knowing that I'll be truly 'understood' here.

Night night all x

town I hope everything went well with the consultant today.
cake, so sorry you're going through a rough time at the moment, I hope your dh starts to get better soon. As Vicky said, don't feel you have to leave the thread because you're not ttc. I understand the need to take a break from it and focus on rl though. You're always welcome to come and have a rant if you want My husband went through a very tough time too and although I couldn't possibly compare my situation to yours, I can empathise with the hopeless feelings and the uncertainty of not knowing how to deal with things/what will happen. Hope you have plenty of support in rl

lake how nice of the midwife to use E's name, i have to admit i'm a bit of a pain because with medical professionals i correct them if they don't use Ben's name. I felt that things were very far away when things were booked, but you maybe surprised at how quickly it actually seems to roll around.

town how did your meeting with the consultant go today?

cake so sorry to hear your dh is struggling still, i really hope the counselling helps and you can both work through all of it

cake sending you hugs because you clearly need them. Think twice before disappearing, this might be exactly the place you need to come to let off steam, vent or just talk utter rubbish with everything you are having to cope with. Just because your not TTC I don't think means you have to go, but if you do I really hope you have someone in RL besides hubby that you can talk to. Take care of yourself. Xxx

Hello all

I've not been on here for a few days and I'm so sorry to see the new names here, a sad but warm welcome to you xxx also congratulations on the bfps, how great to see and something that gives us all a little hope.

I've actually popped on to wave a little goodbye, for now. I hope I'll be back here sometime but at the moment my dh is struggling terribly with ptsd and it's taking its toll on us. As if losing W wasn't bad enough, now this. I'm so so worried for him, and for us, and that he may never want to ttc now. I just don't know where we go from here but we will keep seeing our counsellor and just hope things get better. It's very lonely at the moment as I can't really talk to dh about things but the more time that passes the more desperation I feel to ttc. I'm terrified it will never happen now. Anyway, as I'm not actively ttc it's time to go but I wanted to thank you all for your support these last few months and wish you every success with your ttc efforts and rainbows.

I'll try and drop by every now and then to keep up with you all, but thanks again for your kindness and I do hope one day I will be able to join you. X

You've nailed it - it's the 'everything will be okay after 12 weeks' vibe that I can't quite buy into...

It's nice that your midwife used your daughters name - that's lovely.. And nice to have read your notes.. Your 12 week scan will be here before you know it or at least I hope so

I went to my GP around 8 weeks after having DD with an infection and she asked if I was breastfeeding - awkward moment.

Hope today's anniversary has been kind to you.. I often wonder what my DD would have been like at each anniversary, but I find it hard to visualise her beyond a baby..

Anyhows, hope everybody is well.. The Brits seems to be going on forever.. Yawn!

Kayleigh I think it's very acceptable to call them and explain you don't want to go back in that room, I wouldn't want to give birth in the same room I had E in.

Winter I flit up and down with the buses, I joined the October thread and they made a FB group as the thread was moving really fast but the main contributors seem to be very focused on MC and MMC. Everyone wanting to see heartbeats on the scan then everything will be ok sometimes I feel better knowing that my stress isn't that out of proportion with other peoples if that makes sense. Your DD was obviously born exactly a month before mine as she would have been 6 months today.

Good luck to all of getting ready to test or still TTC

AFM had my booking appt with the MW today. She said I think we met before (during E's pregnancy) I said oh OK sorry I don't remember you're quite a big team! Then she said well congratulations! Oh thanks but actually she was stillborn. Obviously she was clearly congratulating me on being pregnant she had read my notes and even used E's name which I thought was sweet. She's booked my 12 week scan booked a consultant appt for 16 weeks all seems so far away now

Thank you ladies, i feel a bit less unreasonable now. I'll give the unit a ring tomorrow.

winter i know what you mean about it can go tits up at the last bit. I know people mean well but when they say "oh it'll be ok this time" i just think well we thought it'd be ok last time ffs. I hope the coming days are gentler on you

madem lovely to hear from you! Technically i'll be 13+4 on the scan date (by my working out). I really hope your symptoms turn into a bfp for you, will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

ellie i think you've handled the message to your sil very well, not sure i'd be quite so polite but obviously the sooner it's sorted the better for you all.

Kayleigh hoping your scan goes well next week. I would ask for a different room, I'm sure given the circumstances they could sort it for you. I think given what you've been through you just need to do what's right for you.

Winter Sorry you're having a tough time, all the hormones don't help matters either. I said recently that I always thought the term 'emotional baggage' was stupid but I kind of understand it now. We'll carry what has happened to us for the rest of our lives and it's bound to have an impact on the things we do and the way we feel frim now on. I think giving in to it every now and then can be a bit of a release. I hope you have a better day tomorrow
Madem Hoping all these symptoms lead to a bfp, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. It is so hard not to test isn't it, I never even heard of the ter chemical pregnancy until I miscarried my first. Midwife advised me not to test early as it can be heartbreaking should you have an early miscarriage.

Well sil has gine quiet, I messaged her back saying she had missed the point. I was still nice but made sure she understood it was in no way about our niece. I wouldn't have minded so much had she not been so aggressive in her response (and if the doll had existed before my daughter was born!) Am trying to be healthy what with ttc, am eating fish, taking my vitamins (so is dh!) and cutting out all the rubbish-I will get pregnant this month!!!

Oh Winter- I can't join the busses ever again! I know what you mean. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time (((hugs)))

Hello all! I'm sorry I'm dipping in and out of here - i found so much comfort on this thread during the dark, dark days straight after losing G. But sometimes, I need to force myself to look away from all the tragic sadness, as I just live other people's emotions too fully. And some days, it feels really good to be here! I still read everyone's news regularly and wanted to congratulate all the recently pregnant ones amongst us!

Ellie - I can't believe your SIL. How very selfish to make this about her. I'm so sorry. You have a great attitude though! Any updates since?

Kayleigh - 14w on March 5th!! How time flies when it's not you counting down to that first scan.... I'm sure they'll understand you'll want a different room. I'll be eagerly awaiting your news!

Big waves to everyone else and sorry not to name check, I'm on my phone. A very warm but very sad welcome to all the newcomers...

AFM- well. I'm trying to resist the urge to test as I'd hate to be as disappointed as in December, when I had a chemical pregnancy or very early mc. But I have every symptom (for me!) under the sun: head cold, one day upset stomach just after a big temperature dip, high temp, dizziness, super nose (despite the cold), no appetite, bloated and really, really tired. It could also all just be because I'm ill. We shall see! I'm hoping I won't cave before Sunday, when I'd actually be a couple of days late. Then at least if the line is faint, I'll know not to get my hopes up.

I wish you all a nice evening and gentle days ahead x

*say, not day..
Bloody hell, I'm putting the phone down..clearly can't type ha!

*unaffected by our losses on a day-to-day basis

Must have been the tears making my proof reading inefficient ha..

My last post was very self centred - sorry!

ellie sorry to hear about the situation with SIL.. She should know better & out of common decency should have renamed the doll? I bloody would have done anyway - that name is precious to you.
However I will say that many seem largely unaffected on a day-to-day basis & so do stupid stuff when they should know better, my sister for example texted me a picture of her CATS on Christmas Day with the caption, 'My babies first Christmas'.. I could have laughed it was so inappropriate.. I put her straight..

kayleigh I'd definitely see if you can speak to somebody before the appt to see if you can have any day on where you're scanned.. I would hate for you to be in that same room, and would like to think they will accommodate you as best they can.

So I'm quite a positive, upbeat person.. But I need to force myself to acknowledge how difficult I'm finding some aspects of being pregnant after a loss are whilst being part of a forum.

I miss the innocence of pregnancy when I never thought anything would go wrong. The girls on my due date thread are talking about the risk of MC decreasing everyday & linking to a website to allay their fears..& it saddens me that I can't look at that website and find relief, because I know things can go tits up even when you get all the way to the finish line.

I'm actually already dreading the inevitable birth centre/hospital, hospital bag, birth preferences conversations that will happen near the end.. It makes me question whether the benefits of being part of a forum outweigh the difficulties that I'm going to face as I (hopefully) progress..
I'm not really looking for answers but I just needed to put this out there I guess..
Neonatal death still fucking me 7 months on.. Argh.. woe is me

DD would have turned 7 months old today.. blubbering into tissue

town i agree that nobody likes to think of themselves as "high-risk", but i am pleased that my consultant is very understanding of the situation. I'm glad ("glad" seems such a wrong word to use) that you were able to spend some time at the grave before the weather turned on Sunday. How have you been since?

ellie gosh what an awful situation regarding you sil, although in a way i can sort of understand why your dh was upset by it, and for your sil to turn it into a whole huge thing must be awful too. I hope it all gets sorted soon for you.

AFM i've been thinking of my scan next week. I'm worried about the prospect of them scanning me in the same room as i had the scan to confirm Ben was gone- do you think it would be unreasonable for me to ring the unit and request any room but that particular one? Not sure i'd be able to walk through the door if i'm honest

Flambola it went along the lines of 'sorry it upset you, thanks for thinking I'd do that, thanks for totally disregarding your niece and making me feel unable to celebrate having my child. You obviously wanted a reaction, hence I have replied honestly' etc. It all felt more like she was annoyed rather than sorry we were upset. This was after me saying that dh could have handled it better but being a mum she should be able to appreciate that seeing her name is very emotive. She really missed the point and made it about how we make her unable to enjoy her daughter?? We love seeing pictures of our niece and always ask about her, bought her Christmas presents, have met up etc. We were due at the same time with our first babies last summer, I miscarried my baby early on and then fell pregnant with my angel Anna a month later. I have always tried to make sure she never felt uncomfortable about it, and nothing has ever been said before but apparently we make her unable to enjoy her child Hopefully it will all blow over!
Anna Fingers crossed for you! This thread seems to be quite lucky with bfp's recently so hopefully this is your rainbow. We're hoping this will be our month too.
Town I'm glad your day on Sunday was ok, can't imagine how hard it is, am not looking forward to our daughters birthday. I know everyone is different but, although sad, I take comfort from the time I got to spend with her. We dressed her, read her a story and put her to 'bed', it was important for us to do that and we'll always hsve those memories. I hope you managed to have that too.

Off to do some housework and walk the dog, need something to keep me occupied before work!

Hi all

ATM -sorry in my last message I missed off my congratulations, so delayed congratulations to you!

A sad welcome to you Anna.

flambola, I know what you mean! I am slightly obsessed with ttc at the moment. In fact I just did an early test and it has come back with the lightest ever line. I don't eve dare believe it may be a possibility that I'm pregnant. I'm sat here wondering what to do, Dh is at work and doesn't know. I am sure I will raid the pharmacy later though am worried I tested too early and given the line is such a squinter I have already convinced myself it's def an evaporation line. Will have to wait until Friday to see if af turns up I guess. Here's to hoping that neither of us get af on Friday.

Also, I think you said today was 2 months for you. Any milestone is so hard. Me and Dh had such an uplifting evening with some people we met recently who lost their first son at 2 months and now have 5 kids! It was nice to see a glimpse of positivity for the future and we got to talk about our son a lot. I think people who haven't been through this are reluctant to ask about our son, which I understand. Xxx

anna - hi. I'm sorry you find yourself here and for your losses. You can tell us your daughter's name if you want to. My son was James (I've given away so much info regarding what happened to me, I'm sure I'm recognisable!).

town - I wouldn't even know who to call. I'm glad you were ok on Sunday.

ellie - I'm sure I'll become an expert soon enough. I think I need to put myself under less pressure... I've only had one period since my son was born. There's time enough yet.

What did your SIL have to say ellie?!

Hi everyone, back again! Been away again as been moping about arrival of AF, then ww3 broke out with a certain family member!

I feel so sad when I come back and check through the posts, so many new ladies, it just doesn't seem fair. I'm so so sorry for your losses, I'm glad you have found this thread though as these ladies have helped me through some difficult times, I hope it will help you all too.

ATM Congratulations!! So pleased your rainbow is safe and well.
Flambola I'm becoming a sperm/ttc expert, was not really a field I really wanted to specialise in! Think I'm putting too much pressure on myself with all this research. Hope you get answers at your appointment, I didn't and although I found it tough at first I have made peace with it now.
Anna you can tell us as much or as little as you like. I sometimes use my daughters name on here as I don't get to use it day to day like I could have done if she were here. Sending you hugs

Totally agree with Critter 2 months the grief is very raw still. It's nearly 5 months for me and whilst I think of her every day and sometimew feel sad, I find I can look at her pictures and smile.

Well we have managed to fall out with sil. She has named her daughters doll our daughters name, dh had a bad day and was surprised/upset and said 'have you really done that?'. Turns out it wasn't even because of Anneliese that sil called the doll that. Anyway, she got annoyed and had A LOT to say and now apparently it's this big thing! I just don't have the energy for this kind of thing, I hate arguments and would prefer to let things slide, Dh and sil are the opposite!

Waves to everybody else.