The "when are you having kids?" question

One of my colleagues kept patting me me on the stomach saying"come on...what you waiting for?" !!!! Each time I was so shocked I couldn't think of anything to say. Last time she did it about a month ago I said "when I stop having miscarriages...i'll let you know how I get on." That shut her up. And of course I was filled with remorse after until my DH reminded me she's a doctor and she should know better.

I don't say this to everyone mainly because it's none of their bloody business but she pushed me a bit too far and I was in the process of having my 3d miscarriage being 10 weeks gone.
I am continually amazed at peoples' thoughtlessness.
If I can I usually just say "well keep you fingers crossed for us".
to all of you x

Ahh this annoys me too!!

We've been TTC for a few months now, got married on Saturday & on the Sunday the amount of people that asked 'when are you going to have children??' Err let me try & retrieve some of the money I just spent on a wedding!!

It'll happen when the time is right - fingers crossed!!

I used to say " if I'm lucky to be able to have a children it will be when we can afford it" stopped most people asking !
I got asked by a lady I met in the park This morning " have you only got the one?? Yes I replied so next q was would u like to have more? Of course I said yes shall see how things go and if I'll be blessed to have another...

It is hard. We're ttc number 2 so have been getting the comments about timing from a few people. I just told my sister how long we'd been ttc this time, so she and my mother can stop dropping 'helpful hints' about the fact that I am not getting any younger.

For other people who I don't want to engage with about this, in response to 'so when are you going to have another child?' I tend to look them blankly in the face and say 'well, not within the next 9 months anyway.' People usually shut up.

samc85 I think the key is implementing PacificDogwood's deflection technique alongside one of the honest(ish) answers above, by quickly following up with a question about the other person such as 'anyway, enough about me how are you? What did you get up to at the weekend' etc etc...

Then if people are rude enough to push you on it, I would close the conversation down by saying that it isn't something you want to discuss any further.

I find people never stop asking if you're going to have children/more children.

I have two and want a third, and people are always asking, 'so, are you going to have another then?' We have been trying for about 9 months, so I tend to say, 'yes we would love another, but it might not happen'.

I think a vague response, hinting at the fact that yes you do want children, are probably trying and it hasn't happened yet, but are not about to disclose all the gory details is the best bet!

I like AnotherEmma's responses of "we do want kids but you can't always control the timing" or "it doesn't happen straight away for everyone", and JeniJena's 'babies don't always come to order, you know'.

Nice and simple, cuts the conversation off, and you haven't had to tie yourself up in knots giving reasons you don't want children when it's the thing you want more than anything in the world.

And I don't know how I would then respond?! Lol

I think I know some people who would respond to that with 'oh so you are trying then?' X

Feel free to use it :) hope it helps. The only time i have regretted the response was the one which went 'oh, yeah, I know, it took three months for us to get pregnant'. Hard not to feel a bit

I'm very honest: 'babies don't always come to order, you know' which usually stops the conversation.

I like that Jenijena, makes the point very nicely!

Been trying for #2 for well over ahead and getting lapped by people who weren't even pregnant when we had #1 and are now having their second.

I'm very honest: 'babies don't always come to order, you know' which usually stops the conversation.

I just tend to say "well it turns out it's not as easy as some people make it look". Sometimes saying "maybe next year" or "we enjoy our holidays too much" backfired as people would then start giving us reasons not to have kids, one of FIL's friends said "Oh I'm so glad I had them young, I would never bring a child into the world as it is today, they've got no chance in life" - errrm thanks! So now making us wonder if we're doing the right thing even trying at all!

Cope not copy.

It is horrible. One woman at my work just wouldn't let it go. After years of non committal comments I finally told her we'd been trying for 18 months actually, so could she give it a rest? She was mortified as she is a friend really.

Most people are genuinely saying it to make conversation, as a pp said usually those who have not had trouble conceiving. They don't really mean anything by it. One of my friends who's been trying for over 2 years is very open with anyone who asks that they are having difficulties and is able to talk about the steps in their journey. She finds that approach easier than the denial. I admire her for it, but couldn't copy with that myself.

Good luck op, hope it happens for you soon.

My sympathies, you are right, it is a really personal question that anybody things that have the right to ask. At work people knowing you are ttc could be career limiting, so I find it really inappropriate there.

I really hope I didn't ask other ladies before I knew the agony of ttc myself.

Somebody asked me on my first day back at work after my miscarriage, which was a tricky one!

I used to say something about dh's job being a bit uncertain which worked okay. Now I go with

"After watching 'One Born Every Minute' I have decided to wait until flat pack babies are invented".

This seems to change the conversation nicely. :)

I've had a few people ask (now I'm in my 30s esp!) and I usually answer "we're not sure we want any". Sometimes I'll mention loving my sleep, liking having money and able to travel. If i get the age comments I'll say "so I hear". And sometimes I'll use the funny anecdote about MIL who told me we could have kids any time now, she was ready to be a grand mother. I told her I would tell her son that his mother had given us "permission to fornicate for the purposes of procreation". Funny funny!

Personally I would be honest and say something like "we do want kids but you can't always control the timing" or "it doesn't happen straight away for everyone", hopefully that would shut them up?! And with close family or friends I would probably tell the truth. I would hope they'd be supportive. Don't see why you'd hide something so important from people you're close to. Other people like colleagues, acquaintances, etc just need reminding that it's personal and potentially sensitive so they should shut the f* up!

We didn't get married until we were 30 and then waited 5 years before trying. DH would have started a couple of years earlier but I wasn't ready then. We put up with 5 years of comments. At first it was easy to say 'well we've just got married, give us a bit of time!'
But then we could tell people thought we either were TTC and not succeeding and we got lots of sympathetic looks if someone mentioned babies, or they thought e didn't want them. I don't know how many times we were asked 'Do you not want a family then?' We started to get a bit pissed off.

DH's grandmas were funny. One- who is deaf and speaks very loudly- said to his mum when she thought we couldn't hear her 'Is there something wrong with them?' They asked us everytime we saw them if we were going to have any great- grandchildren before they die!

When I did get pregnant it was a bit of a srprise and when we told them one of them said 'Well done our ......' to DH The other one said 'Well I Never, we'd given up on the pair of you.'

Yes good point m33r: now that we're lucky enough to have our DC I'm very open about how long it took to get DS, because I don't think it is talked about enough, and certainly I had the naive view (fostered by years of sex ed in school probably) that it's really easy to fall pregnant. For loads of people it's not, and if that was more widely known then perhaps people would be a bit more careful with their nosy questions.

I hated this too ... BUT I think people just don't realise. Before I got married I told everyone I couldn't wait to get pregnant including all my work colleagues. I then moved jobs - thank The Lord! Because it then took me 20months to conceive and tbh I had opened myself to these questions by being so honest (and naive).

When I moved jobs I used to say to people 'yeah right! That's just what I need! I've enough to with this job'. It made me seem job focused but honestly could lead to some very upsetting comments 'you'll never be pregnant with that attitude'.

I also had many cry in the toilets days but I understand why people did it - it's just naivite. They think they're being lovely.

Now, when I talk about my pregnancy I make very clear how long it took and tell 'my story' because I think it's an issue that should be out there, and I'm lucky enough that I don't get the pity now.

Anyway, bit of a long post but wanted to say stay strong and good luck with the elusive BFP and all the cr*p along the way

I've had it a few times at work by a group of guys and one telling me I need to get a move on (cheeky sod) I was quite blunt with them and said 'don't u think that's a rather intrusive question and quite insensitive to someone who may not even be able to have kids' . They soon shut up and haven't said it since!!

We conceived easily with our DD but have been TTC #2 for almost 2 years. When people have asked if I'm having a second I've always lied & said no we've decided not to have anymore. I've hated lying. I've told a couple of people the truth. The most insensitive comment was after my work pal announced she was pg with #2 (had caught first cycle of trying) a woman who works in same building who doesn't know me that well, said 'so when are you getting pregnant with baby number 2'. It was the way she said it too I found it quite hurtful. I was very shocked & said not having anymore.

It's hard, and most people don't realise how hurtful their innocent question can be, but occasionally you get a really insensitive person who wants to see you squirm. When this happened to me I replied with

Wow, most people would never ask someone a question like for fear of causing embarrassment or awkwardness, it's great that you feel you can just cut through all of that!

Then I went and cried in the toilets :-( it sucks but you'd be amazed at how many people do understand without ever saying anything

It took us a long while to conceive DC2 and I had a miscarriage in that period. I started off deflecting, but found blunt honesty was a very satisfying way of shutting down the conversation. People who were genuine friends offered much needed support, people who were just being fucking nosy got as embarrassed as they should have been and either changed the subject or disappeared off as fast as they could.

It cheered me up in a perverse way.

"Well, I had a miscarriage last month, so I thought I'd maybe just finish recovering from that first, yaknow?" Kind of thing. But then I was getting a little bitter by then.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. It's so tough.