Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

Madem, so sorry to hear you've MCd, sending you big hugs. If you had a feeling ... then that's it, MC out of the way now, that means next time it will stick. Time to have a few Christmas drinks and look forward to seeing the back of 2014.
Anna I hope last night went well and you went for the whisky option rather than puking!
missA thinking of you on 24th. Bittersweet cuddles with 'J' on that day.

AF finally arrived today (only a 38 day cycle, grrr), so I'll be on the TTC bus in Jan, along with some of you other lovely ladies.

Time to get on with a bit of present wrapping!
x

Just wanted to pop on and say sorry Madem such a crappy thing to happen

Happy birthday Kayleigh and MissA. Sorry Brian might need surgery hopefully it's something straightforward.

Christmas shopping to do tomorrow as I'm working most of next week. Trying to get in the holiday spirit but I'm not really feeling it this year. Plenty more Christmases ahead though

annaelisabeth have a whiskey and enjoy your evening.

mademoiselle sometimes life just sucks. Hope you are ok physically and being supported emotionally x

Afm - I'm looking forward to christmas now my DS has broken up from school. This first term for him has flown by and definitely helped us through in the last 15 weeks. I can honestly say I'm ok with life, and I positive for a positive future. Saw one of my best friends for the first time since having Edie the other day, she is due in Sunday, it was the one person who I had put off seeing but do you know what, it was actually really easy for me to do. I think I'd just made it into something bigger in my head than it ended to be, I also saw my other friend who had here baby 3 weeks before we had Edie. Her little girl is an absolute smasher and I really enjoyed having my cuddles with her. It doesn't make me feel sad to be around her at all, in fact I still get that ahhh cute baby thing that we all know the feeling off before we had our own nightmares happen. I guess what I'm trying to say whilst rambling on is that personally for me, putting myself in the situations that I have thought will be hard to deal with are actually fine, haven't upset me in the slightest and it's nice to be and feel normal. Grief is different for all of us I'm aware of that, but just wanted to give heart for some of you who may not have faced those kind of situations yet that actually it might be all ok and nothing to worry about. HTH someone

X

Good luck Anna, you're so brave!

Kayleigh what is wrong with Brian? Happy birthday I hear? I hope you're ok.

My previous message sounded really flippant and detached. Words just seem to fail me. It sucks. I always knew I'd have a mc before my rainbow. So let's hope 2015 brings hope.

Madem I'm so sorry. Sending lots of love.

I'm on my way to the Christmas Party. Feel like I need to puke or have a whiskey.

Love to everyone.

madem so very sorry to hear your news i'm sending you love. I'm glad you have your parents with you to support you

missa thank you and a very Happy Birthday to you too! I'll be thinking of you on Christmas Eve x

AFM bit miffed because i wanted to go and see Ben today, but we ran out of time due to Brian needing an urgent trip to the barbers. This birthday has been bittersweet not only because of missing Ben but finding out Brian could be facing surgery when he's 7 . We're going to go and see Ben tomorrow instead and then we'll be having drinks with friends tomorrow night.

Love to all xx

Thank you all. Yes I do, my parents have just arrived from back home with copious amounts of food, booze and love.
Just had blood results, high HCG but low progesterone so confirmed mc. Ah well. Onwards and upwards I guess?
Big hugs to all you wonderful women x

Not had chance to check all the post but will do later Madem I am so so sorry about your news. I hope you're doing ok and have plenty of support around you.

Ellie - like town sender says there seems to be a trend on here! They did not find a cause the loss of 'A' either. I think it started off as a big relief but then yes it comes to the why and how. It is still early days for you so let yourself be.

Anna hope your Christmas party goes well, you are incredibly brave for going!

Town hope NYE isn't too hard on you, I too found seeing newborn pics and meeting them an anguish. I still do all this time later!

Hugs to all

I'm sorry not to name check you all.

But just wanted to give a big hugs to Madem. Go easy on yourself, do whatever you need to get through. I'm sorry this has happened and I know that you will get there

Madem I am so so sorry, it's so bloody unfair after all you have been through. I hope you're not too uncomfortable and have lots of love and support around you xxx

Sending massive hugs your way madem so sorry it wasn't good news for you. It's really not fair after wht you have been through . It will happen for you and I hope it's very soon x

No positive news sadly, they confirmed that there was no viable pregnancy to be seen on screen, I had bloods done to rule out ectopic and that was that...
Ah well. This barely scrapes the sides of the pain I felt/feel for baby G. I'm hugely disappointed. It'll happen at some stage though, won't it?...

madem sending you massive hugs, I really really hope your scan gives some positive news xxxx

Sorry, no idea why it posted twice!!

Sorry not yo name check or respond and post very selfishly, I just wanted to let you know that although we had a lovely, promising dating scan with an overexcited consultant team on Wednesday, I started spitting last night and this morning I'm bleeding heavily, with clots, cramps etc. I'm off to EPU but I don't have much hope, despite everyone telling me their own similar experiences that ended well. I'm only 5 weeks today so I'd rather it happened this early if it was going to happen at all but...bloody hell!!

I'm sending massive hugs and love and kind thoughts to everyone. With Christmas almost upon us, it's a very odd place to be, that shit place we are in...

Sorry not to be name-checking everyone else, but poor Mademoiselle, that's rubbish. Have also read about lots of similar experiences that end well, so keeping my fingers crossed for you too. Big hug x

Oh madem, so so so sorry when will you be re scanned? Really keeping my fingers crossed for you x

Sorry not yo name check or respond and post very selfishly, I just wanted to let you know that although we had a lovely, promising dating scan with an overexcited consultant team on Wednesday, I started spitting last night and this morning I'm bleeding heavily, with clots, cramps etc. I'm off to EPU but I don't have much hope, despite everyone telling me their own similar experiences that ended well. I'm only 5 weeks today so I'd rather it happened this early if it was going to happen at all but...bloody hell!!

I'm sending massive hugs and love and kind thoughts to everyone. With Christmas almost upon us, it's a very odd place to be, that shit place we are in...

Thanks Ducky, that's very good to hear. It just goes to show what the docs can do if they find a cause... which is why it's so frustrating when they can't.
Luckily my cervix is fine, but I only know that because I went to see a second consultant who recommended the scan for me. The first consultant just played the 'you were unlucky' tune and was happy to leave it at that. Ok, so they didn't actually find anything new...but I feel a lot more comfortable TTC knowing that the obvious stuff has been checked.
Cake, I was given an excellent free book from Tommys website called 'having a premature baby' that went through a lot of the common causes. I used it to prepare for my consultant meeting. Although be warned, of course it has a lot of stuff about babies and surviving the NICU/taking them home, which you may not want to read.
x

ellie sorry the consultant meeting wasn't as helpful as you'd have liked, it's really rubbish when nobody can give you a definite reason why. I hope Sunday is gentle on you.

anna glad to hear your meeting with your boss went well. Personally i don't think you're mad for wanting to go to the Christmas party, but on the flip side if you really don't feel up to it when the time comes i'm sure your colleagues will understand.

vicky i'm pleased for you that your bloods are back to normal, but how awful with regards to the consultant saying he instead of she! I don't blame you at all for correcting him.

town i can completely relate to you finding the baby photos hard- i still find them difficult to deal with to be honest. I'll be thinking of you on New Years Eve.

Love to all xx

Town, my friend lost a boy due to an incompetent cervix but carried to term with a stitch after, she was on bed rest most of her pg with it.
Hope it goes ok meeting SIL baby x

Hello all,

I've just had the time to read back on all your stories, heartbreaking and heartwarming.
It's so sad that there's been a few of us join very recently. But on a positive note, I've counted 5 BFPs in the last month or so, really lovely to see. Lets hope the post brings luck to the rest of us.
A common theme in the last few posts is how many of have no explanation for what went wrong - and were told it was baad luck. Me too - 'I think you were just very unlucky' were my consultants words.
Cake don't stop chasing for your appointment, I also chased and got it moved earlier, I think it definitely helps. I really hope they offer you an internal scan to look at your uterus, hearing about your mmc and bleeding I am not at all surprised that you suspect as a connection, as I would feel exactly the same.
I spent quite a lot of time reading stories on the Bliss website after G died, and I remember a couple of people who had lost not one but two babies due to incompetent cervix, and then sucessfully carried the third to term with a cervical stitch. It made me so angry that they weren't checked after they lost number one, and I did NOT want that to be me.
Plus, I hope your psychologist appt went well today and you get a good nights sleep tonight.

Anna I'm glad to hear your work meeting went well. I reckon, just see what you feel like on Friday. Don't put pressure on yourself to go if you don't feel like it. Or who knows, you might be in the mood for a party, or at least getting those first meetings out the way so you don't stress about it over Christmas.

Vicky glad to hear that your bloods are back to normal, and sorry that you had such an inconsiderate consultant

I've just about given up on a bpf this month, as I can feel AF grumbles and had a bit of spotting. Hopefully she'll turnup tomorrow, as the sooner she arrives the sooner I'll be on a new cycle. Tested bfn on CD 29,31,33 and 35, now on CD36, so my cycles seem to be getting longer and longer . I'm looking on the bright side (or at least trying to) - Christmas boozing and not feeling sick, then a fresh start in the new year as I think my shaggathon will need to start around the 1st Jan.

SIL had her first baby yesterday, so DP is now an uncle. I'm relieved that mum and baby are both doing well, but finding the photos really tough to see. G's first cousin. A little girl as well. We will meet her on New Years Eve, so I hope I will have the strength to give her a cuddle and fall in love with my new niece. Ellie I'll think of you on Sunday.

Waves to everyone
x

Cake, thanks. I may just bail on the whole thing. Like you say hopefully they won't blame me if I do.

It is a double edged sword to try keeping things together for our daughter. I try to focus on the positives but it is so damn hard. Her little brother should have been four months now and she would have loved him so much. She's the most amazing little girl and I feel I've robbed her of the most precious gift one could ever wish for. He looked exactly like she did when she was born - only more boyish. He was so beautiful and chubby and prefect in every way. Such a waste.

I can't wait to wave goodbye to 2014. What a horrible year.

Just been to the gym. Tears started rolling on the treadmill. I don't think anyone saw me. The baby weight is starting to come off which is both so sad and relieving. I feel like everything I do and say these days has a double meaning.

Do any of you have thyroid problems? My mum said she did when she was younger and apparently so did my grandmother. She said it can worsen confusion, forgetfulness etc. I just think it's grief.

Vicky, sorry about the consultant getting the gender wrong. You'd think they'd look at your files BEFORE you get there. My doctor hinted at me that I should take baby aspirin if I were to get pregnant again but I didn't have a clot? I don't quite get why it would help me.

Xxa