Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

Just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best Betty, so sorry things have ended this way hope things go smoothly for you and that you have a lot of love and support around you.
Sorry things have been tough for so many.
Glad your GP managed to speed things up for you cake
Kayleigh hopefully people will listen to your wishes and stop telling you what to do

AFM AF is almost done so back to TTC again soon. Feel like I've hardly seen DH this week as I've been working nights.
Hopefully I'll catch up with the thread soon

madem I'm so sorry you're feeling low, big hugs. How did the first day back go? Hope it was ok and that work are being understanding. I'm fast approaching W's due date and I'm dreading it, but always want it too if that makes sense as I just want to get past that milestone so much.

betty I am so very very sorry, life is so bloody cruel sometimes. Thinking of you so much and sending you hugs x for what it's worth I opted for an erpc when I had an mmc because my body just wasn't doing anything naturally. It was quick and I personally felt it was right choice for my circumstances. Hope you're getting loads of support in rl x

Afm, having a rough time as my dh is very poorly with bronchitis and my dd started new pre school this week so it's all been manic. Dh and I also had a big talk about ttc, he broke down and said how terrified he is that I could die and just didn't feel he could take that risk at the moment. It was very upsetting to see him like that but so important for him to say it too and I said it is too early to make decisions. I think until we have an appointment with the consultant to ask what the risks would be etc there is no point in even thinking about it. So I hope you don't mind me staying in this thread for the time being even though we aren't ttc just yet. I saw Gp again on Monday who was fantastic, called obstetrics consultant there and then and put a rocket up them about not sending out an appointment. That afternoon I got a phone call from them apologising and offering me an appointment on 21st - Better late than never and I'm so grateful to have such a fab gp. We also have a review appointment with the neonatal consultant tomorrow, it's going to be very emotional but feel we really need to have both these appointments to ask our questions, even if there aren't clear answers.

Sorry for going on. Lots of love to everyone x

madem sorry you've been feeling down. The lead up to Ben's due date was hard for me too. It's rubbish that what should have been a happy date is now one filled with sadness instead. I'm sending you hugs and

betty i'm so so sorry to hear your very sad news i hope you have lots of support around you. I was in a similar situation in 2008 and decided to wait and see if i miscarried naturally, however 2 months later i hadn't so i had to have the oral and vaginal tablets to help things along. I'm also sending you hugs and

AFM i've begun to put my foot down with people telling me what to do, and luckily the people in question are listening so far. I'm just hoping EPU can see me sooner rather than later now.

Love to all xx

Sorry I haven't been here for a while.

Just want to extend a hand to Betty. I am so sorry that you are going through this. After all that you've been through and now this. Take your time to grieve, we are here for you when you are ready to ttc.

Love to the rest of you. I'll be honest I've always been crap on this thread. I do flit on and off and you will have to forgive me for that. I do however think of you all often, those with rainbows, those pregnant with rainbows and the others TTC. You are all such strong women that have been through the worst pain imaginable, I look back over the last year and can not believe how I really got through it. And sometimes I'm not sure if I still have. Meh, I'm waffling again - told you I wasn't very good at this.

I am so sorry Betty. I am rubbish at this and never know what to say but I'm sending lots of love your way. x

Just got back from a scan at the hospital - 9+5, was was hoping to see a little tiny baby (we saw a heartbeat on xmas eve) … baby stopped developing a couple of weeks ago and no longer has a heartbeat. Have to decide whether to miscarry naturally or have a surgical evacuation. Tomorrow will be eight months since DD2 died. Feeling so exhausted and emotionally battered.

for duckymadem and for any others who need it. Sorry that you are feeling yucky and upset.

AFM... I'm out this month so back to it in couple of weeks. Can see I'm going to get slightly obsessed with it all.

X

Madem i found the build up difficult too. Sending hugs x

Had a tough time too recently, ds has been poorly

I am dreading dd's birthday too I know it's stupid but I kind of feel guilty I don't know why, I guess just because she's not here, then I feel bad for that. I don't know if wel do anything, then that makes me feel bad too. I think I would get too emotional if we did anything. I just can't win

Mademoiselle sorry that you are feeling so awful at the moment. Yesterday must have been really tough for you. I hope that work today was gentle on you.

Hello all,

I've been reading but quietly having a meltdown. Am on phone as computer crashed so it's hard to name check. Plus I'm just so empty and exhausted. Sorry for just 'taking' and hardly ever 'giving'. I feel like I'm always so brave for everyone and here I can just collapse. Today's should have been out baby's due date. The lead up to today was worse than the actual day. We had lots of plans to mark the day but then it suddenly all felt forced and wrong.

I'm trying to take each day as it comes but I really, really don't want to go back to work tomorrow, my daughter really is my salvation and I'm so sad at the thought of leaving get. I know she'll have a ball though, and it's healthy for both of us.

A gentle year to you all x

Kayleigh, I totally hate being told what I can and can't do as well. It was bad enough first time round, who knows what will happen next time. How I handled it depended on who it was. Mostly I tried to ignore it (I'm not too good with conflict) and have a private rant then go and do whatever I wanted to do. Toughest one is when DP has different views, as he's the only one who has some kind of say (although nowhere near as much as you!!). I'm a bit scared he'll want to wrap me up in cotton wool for 9 months if I do get a bfp.

Vicky, glad you're ok now, sorry about bfn and evil witch.

Anna good luck with the appt today

Ellie hope you are feeling slightly better, grief seems to be a crazy thing. One minute I feel fine then the smallest thing might set me off. It does get easier to cope with though and sounds like you are doing a great job.

Vicky fx that it was just too early for your BFP, I find that 2WW the worst thing about TTC . I'm fine up until a couple of days before AF and then I go crazy symptom spotting, convince myself I might be pregnant, then feel even more sad when AF inevitably comes. Every month that goes by I guess I realise it's another month longer without a baby. It plays on my mind a lot, I try to think it'll happen when my body is ready but I am acutely aware if I'm not pregnant by April then we won't have a baby this year it'll be 2016. Just frustrated with this waiting game. The absolute worst thing about AF arriving for me is telling DH as he's so keen to have a family too, he gets really sad each month.

Hope everyone is having a good day so far

Hi all, sorry to not name check as we were away after christmas got back bye. Did read posts but was on phone so stupid keyboard didn't reply.

NYE and 1st Jan saw me have a bit of a meltdown and wobble. I'm ok now though.

Think I'm due period tomorrow if calculation is right, hoping it's not though as couldn't resist it and just poas, needless to say negative result so hoping just too early.

Hope all you ladies are settling into the new year well x

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, I really appreciate it. It also helps to know what I'm feeling is normal, at least I'm not going crazy!

Anna fingers crossed for today, I hope it goes well for you.

Thank you town. I doubt i'll ever see that particular gp from now on. I hope you had a nice time with your friends.

ellie sorry you've been in a hole recently, i hate to say it but it probably won't be the last time you feel like that. I can relate to what you said regarding the "Jeremy Kyle episode". I always put others first before Ben and now i'm more selfish, but then i suppose some sort of change is to be expected.

anna keeping my fingers crossed for you tomorrow. Please let us know how it goes when you can.

AFM i'm starting to irritated by some of the people around me who know i'm expecting again. I appreciate that people will be concerned about me after Ben, however i very much dislike being told what i can and can't do. Have any of you ladies had people do this with you and how did you handle it?

Love to all xx

EllieandAnna, thinking of you and sending big hugs. It will get easier, you will never forget but the grief does get less raw.
I've found that people never ask how I am when there's a group of us. If I'm 1 on 1 with someone, some of my friends do ask. Today it happened, and it was great to talk.

No New Years resolution for me, not this year. Too many new things happened last year. Although, reflecting on my comment above, I want to be the friend who asks my friends if they are ok. I don't think I was that person before 'G' was born - too scared or you think you are intruding by asking. Just too damn English stiff upper lip.

Anna, fx for tomorrow.

x

EllieandAnna, just wanted to send love and support. I know the feeling, especially the Jeremy Kyle show bit. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's enough to be grieving. The first time I went to see one of my closest friends after our son died I got so drunk I had to stay in bed for a day and a half afterward. For me it was about getting through the night and there were no rules. I still can't remember how I got home. Back in the day I'd feel terrible about it but now I couldn't care less. Whatever works. Give yourself time, you can vent here. There's so many of us that are unfortunate enough to understand when nobody else will.

New Years resolution is to breakfast/lunch/dine at a slower pace. Have acquired some very bad eating habits through the years and need to reprogram...

Townsender, Cake, Lake and Kayleigh, thanks for sending thoughts. Got my first dr's appt tomorrow, cross fingers.

Ducky it's lovely to hear you're enjoying your sleep deprivation ??

Waves to everyone else.

Xxa

Ellie, sorry you have been feeling down recently I hated that stage where it's like no one remembers what you went through and just expects you to be ok tbh I don't think anyone can understand unless they have been through what we have all been through.

If your feeling down or angry or upset just remember you can always come here to rant, unfortunately this page is filled with lovely women who all understand what your going through

X

Hello everyone. Been AWOL for a while and not really up to date with the thread-sorry. Hope you've all had a lovely Chrstmas and new year. I hope it has been kind to you all.

I have to say I feel like I've fallen into a bit of a black hole. I think I've spent so long trying to be strong and support everyone else that I've finally given in. I don't feel like me at the moment. I've told my husband I don't want to ttc anymore, I only want our little girl. This has caused tensions between us, cue me meeting my friend, getting too drunk and practically playing out at live Jeremy Kyle show in the pub. I am mortified! It is so unlike me and I'd quite like to pretend it never happened!

Christmas has really hit me hard, that and seeing my beautiful niece. I feel quite lonely and nobody asks how I am anymore as I make out I'm fine. How is anyone meant to know if I don't say anything?! I know this but I'm silently screaming for someone to just ask how I am!

Started a fair few new years resolutions, trying to give my self some direction, anyone else the same?

Wishing health and happiness to everyone in 2015 and uneventful bfp's for everyone trying.

Cake, sorry I didn't reply to your question! I didn't have a c section and dd was very small so I recovered quickly. I wanted to TTC straight away and my husband didn't really say much about it, I think he was just thinking of me/my mental state at the time and went with what ever I wanted. There were no concerns over my physical wellbeing due to the birth so it's probably different circumstances :-/

How are you feeling now?

Waves and hugs to everyone! So sorry I haven't name checked! Am very sleep deprived (and also on the app ) wouldn't change it for the world though

X

Hello everyone, sorry I've been AWOL over the Christmas break – I managed to read all your news on my phone but replying on that little keyboard was just a step too far for me. Back at home on the laptop now.
Plus I was wiped out with a really nasty coldy/fluey thing which I've nearly got rid of now. Felt terrible for a good 10 days though. Typical it happened over Christmas, but at least I had a reason to be quiet and go to bed early (not that I could sleep with all the coughing/lack of breathing) rather than party. Definitely not in the mood for that.

Kayleigh, congratulations!! I'm so excited for you. And glad that you've got a supportive consultants secretary, even if your GP is rubbish. That's the right way round to have it, your GP won't get a look in from now on.

Cake, glad to hear the bleeding has eased off. On TTC, there were a couple of times when I didn't have the same view as my DP. When we saw the consultant we were advised to wait 9 months (I had a vertical emcs), and although DP is desperate to have children, he didn't want to go any earlier than recommended. I have swung from wanting to try straightaway, to wanting to delay TTC up to a year, and back again. All over the place! In hindsight, the desire I felt in the first few months after G was born, was really a desire to be pregnant rather than to start TTC – I should have still been pregnant and I felt wrong without a bump. Give yourself an open mind until after 'W's due date at least. Is your DH planning on going to your consultant appointment with you?

Critter good to hear you've got a lovely normal wriggly baby at 12 weeks.

Anna I hope you feel better soon, and get the reassurance you need to start TTC, so you can join me and a few others for some shagging and poas action in 2015 (that sounds more dodgy than I meant it to, but what the hell).

Lake I can't believe people are asking you about TTC already! I'm sure this time next year we'll both have babies in our arms. Maybe January will be our month. Good that you've got lots of holiday time too.
I don't think 9 months is unusual for getting a headstone up. Our stone masons have just been rubbish at telling us when G's headstone will be ready. I'm sure they said 8 weeks when we first ordered it, but it's been about 6 months now. Apparently it's carved and ready, just not in place. Grrrr.

AFM, Christmas break was fine, apart from the horrible cold. I had to work all the non-holidays, but that was a useful distraction to be honest. We met my new niece (DP's brother's little girl), she is very cute and I gave her a couple of long cuddles. Squished any jealous thoughts! It was actually harder seeing SIL, 2 weeks after giving birth, than the baby, as I could remember feeling physically what she was going through (she had a cs too) but my experience was so different to where she is now. And part of me still can't imagine having a live baby I can take home, but I really can imagine/remember what it felt like 2 weeks after birth.
5th Jan will be my new year/fresh and healthy start, as I'm having my girlfriends round tomorrow for our late Christmas party. Can't wait!
x

Thanks for that critter i'm not too concerned about the community midwives in my area as they're mostly lovely, i was just pissed off at the way the gp didn't seem to take my consultants wishes on board xx

Thank you critter I will ask my gp about a referral when I see her on Tuesday. Very much hope there is such a specialist at our hospital so I can get a referral x

Kayleigh GPs can be hard work. My still birth counsellor did tell me that I don't have to see community midwives next time if I don't want to, had two bad experiences one with a sweep and one two days after losing E when one of the senior midwives in my team came to see me and told me about her loss and started crying!!

The counsellor said when under consultant care especially after a loss everything can be combined so you can see midwives when you see the consultant at the hospital. Maybe something to consider.

Cake glad to hear the bleeding has tailed off, hopefully you'll get your referral soon.

Anna the 23rd sounds like it was a special and beautiful day

AFM work has been OK I was really scared about dealing with other peoples losses but it's been OK, harder than before but I've coped well I think. I'm slightly nervous as the girls I went off on mat leave with will all be returning in the first few months of the year.

The further away from E's birth I get the more questions we now get about TTC, it's like people forget we have no control over it! I have to keep reminding myself that E would have been 4 months on Xmas day if she'd have been here I wouldn't have tried to have 2 babies in just over a year, each month we don't conceive I think obviously my body needs a bit longer. I hope I have a baby in my arms by this time next year though!!

I'm feeling better now I have had this whole week off work still have a slight cold that doesn't want to shift.