Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

Hi lovely ladies,

Just a quickie from me again,

Critter - gentle congratulations to you, wishing you all the best for this pregnancy. I loved what you said up thread about the time after the stillbirth being our babies time, a time for us to grieve and think about them.
Kayleigh I'm glad you at DH managed to have a talk between yourself and sorted things out - men can be funny buggers at the best of times!!
missa tomorrow! Squeeee! I am so very excited for you, do try and keep us updated.
Owl wow can't believe your little one is 8 months old already! Doesn't time fly?
Blue totally understand where you're coming with regards to other people's attitudes assuming all is forgotten and ok. Earth your SIL sounds a bit of a plonker too, in sure no harm was meanth but isn't it funny how things like that affect us?

Sorry this is a quickie and waves and good vibes to the rest

missa tomorrow!!!! Will be thinking of you all day.

Owlet is doing fine, he's 8 months old today. Wiggling about on my lap as he's just finished feeding.

Waves to all.

MissA wow- tomorrow!! I hope all goes well, and that your recovery isn't too bad, i'll be thinking of you.

Blue glad L and you are doing well, although what an awful situation at the hairdressers. As you say, it's hard to not think of the what ifs.

missalex tomorrow!!! yippee! Oh honey I am so so happy and excited for you. I can't wait to hear that your little guy has safely arrived and that you're enjoying newborn snuggles. Sending you so so much love and luck.

lake really glad work was ok. I know what you mean, sympathy is hard - you're more likely to cry when you feel like people genuinely feel your pain.

ducky you're on the home stretch lovely. Hang in there.

kayleigh it's great that you had a chat with your DH. It sounds like you are doing everything right. This is bloody hard and just getting through it with your marriage intact is a massive achievement.

blue that is tough about the undercurrent of 'everything's alright now and we don't have to talk about your baby that died any more because the new baby has fixed everything'. I am sorry. E is part of your family too, and he always will be. That conversation with your hairdresser would have really upset me too. I absolutely hate stories like that.

Funnily enough when I went back to my hairdresser for highlights last month (the last time I saw him I was mega pregnant, about 10 days before James was born, and I was joking about whether I would have a boy or a girl - luckily he totally forgot who I was in the interim and didn't ask me about the baby). A bloke nearby was talking about his wife's birth and how it was so scary etc. He went on and on and of course the baby was fine at the end. I felt sick and actually put in my headphones so I didn't have to hear him. Those stories that people loudly tell, always with lots of drama and expecting you to ooh and ah about it - the upshot is, the child is always fine. Because when would you tell a story like that, and the punchline is that the baby died. There is nothing more sad. I bloody hate it. It always makes me see the little curtain through which our alternate lives are running parallel, in which our children didn't die. It's a horrible feeling. What's worse, you feel horrible for feeling bad about it, because it makes you feel like you're not happy and relieved for the person who got spared your awful trauma. Ugh. I am sorry.

Lovely to hear from you owl, glad things are going ok.

earth that sounds v hard with your sil, especially with the name - really insensitive! Are you able to avoid her a bit, block updates etc?

ducky just read your post, must've missed the bit where you talked about your anxiety, sorry I am a tad sleep deprived! A rainbow pg is just so hard, and there's no way through it but one day, one hour at a time. I kept thinking that there is usually some warning for most things that can go wrong - once we're looking for it and being monitored more frequently than usual iyswim, and that if her movements were ok, and her hb was ok then I could get through the next hour, even if the time beyond that seemed massive. It was literally just hour by hour by the end though, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. ((Hugs)), you can do this xx

madem I guess you're with the counsellor around now - ihope you're finding it helpful and can manage the rest of the day somehow. I think I'd have struggled with work afterwards, but been okish, but I only spoke to the counsellor quite a while afterwards, whilst pg again and anxiety took over the grief in many ways so after the session I was just back to anxious rather than anything else. Anyway, thinking of you and I hope it helps, and fingers crossed for you that this is your month x

betty I'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment, I hope your line manager is understanding. My hair fell out loads about 5 months after E was born, I found it really upsetting and got my hair cut much shorter, which helped a bit in terms of how I felt. It wasn't actually long til it calmed down a bit and stopped being a whole pillow-full each morning, and other people didn't seem to think it was as much as I did, so I hope that's the case for you. Do make sure you take the time you need - as you say, the grief will come out one way or another, so be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve, to the timescale you need rather than anyone else's.

Afm, L is doing really well, eating lots and enjoying being cuddled (... constantly, which means I'm somewhat knackered!) we've had a v busy time with lots of visitors - so many people are obviously v pleased for us, which is lovely, but sometimes there's an undercurrent of 'its alright now, you're happy again & E doesn't need to be mentioned' etc which can be upsetting. And I had my hair cut the other day, which I also did just after E was born and struggled at the time because my hairdresser hadn't known I was pg and said things about me having another baby (which would've been fine normally, but wasn't at that time, and I didn't feel I could tell her after what she'd said). This time, somehow we got onto when her son was born, and she said that he'd been born v suddenly by cs because the placenta was coming away. I felt really weird about it - she'd basically had similar probs with her placenta but her son had survived... Obviously I'm happy for her, but... I don't know, not sure what it was it made me feel really, except the grief again that my son didn't live... And maybe could have done, if only...?

Wow missa so excited for you. Yes, that feeling of what if things go wrong at the eleventh hour is awful isn't it? Praying for you and thinking of you so much! You are nearly there, and are doing so unbelievably well. Sorry I've not replied to your pm, I've been on here & just about kept up with things but I've only been on around 2-3am whilst feeding & am so sleepy I can't string a sentence together to actually reply/post!

ducky in my experience it can vary massively for no reason (I hardly lost any this time, no idea why but I was v grateful) but previously it's been much more sometimes. Think you'll have to do as missa suggests so you can play it by ear. How are you doing with the anxiety? Hope the dopplers helped a little here & there.

critter crossing my fingers for you too, and hoping the bleeding has stopped now x

kayleigh sounds like you handled it really well, it's so hard dealing with grief together, I remember our bereavement mw saying that often we're not on the same part of the roller coaster of grief at the same time, and to try to keep communicating to get through it. I know there were times when one of us wanted to talk and the other wanted to bury their head in the sand and then t would be the other way round another day. So difficult to deal with xx

lake well done on your return to work, hope it gets a bit easier each day.

Will post again in a bit, not caught up properly yet!

Oh my gosh missa!!!!! Tomorrow!!!! Will be thinking of you! Can't wait to hear all about your rainbow!!!

Hope everything goes very smoothly and the recovery isn't too bad.

I get so excited!

X

ducky fab news about your date, i'm so pleased for you. With regard to your question about the pads after birth, i had more bleeding after Ben, but i did have a massive blood clot too so i'm not sure how much that contributed. Maybe take some heavy duty maternity pads and some always so you've got options?

betty sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, i do hope your manager is being understanding. I too had quite a bit of hair loss (luckily i have thick hair so it wasn't noticeable), but it has calmed down a little now.

earth i'm pissed off on your behalf at your sil

critter sorry you've had the worry of the spotting, i'm sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

AFM had a talk with hubby, things are far from perfect, but we both got a lot of things off our chests, which we probably should have done a while ago really. We've agreed that we need to make more of an effort to communicate with each other and be honest about how we're both coping. I'd like to thank all of you lovely ladies for just being there with your kind words (and for understanding why i was pissed off- i don't feel like so much of a nut job now)

Waves to missa owl atm blue

Love to you all xx

Critter, I'm sorry you've had spotting, that must be such a worry. I will increase the frequency of my sticky bean vibes.

Lake, I'm so glad work went well and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to be that way. Massive well done.

Ducky-I had about the same amount of heavy bleeding with F and M, but with F I carried on with light bleeding for 11 weeks, I can't remember exactly with M but I think 2 weeks. I had a pack of maternity pads which I used while in hospital (2 days) and then a day at home and then just switched to always nightime ones. I got through less than one pack of maternity ones, I totally agree with you, they feel awful!

MissA, I'm continuing to think about you, your little one and your dad and of course A.

Critter really hope this one sticks for you. What a worrying time. Will be thinking of you.

Lake, so glad your first day back went well and that your looking forward to tomorrow it must be so relieving to get the first day out the way.

Have put up a calander to cross off the days until I'm induced. Am hoping it will work as a distraction!

Ducky I had a pack of mothercare maternity pads and used then for the first few days. I think lochia can vary person to person and birth to birth, so it's probably better to be safe and have some with you. Some girls on my antenatal group put pads in sandwich bags so they only took a few to the hospital rather than having them taking up the whole of your bag. We'd left a pack in the car just in case I needed to stay in longer.

Fabulous news critter tentatively excited for you!

Betty hope things improve for you soon hopefully your boss will happy reduce your work load.

Fx that everyone else is having peaceful times.

Went back to proper work yesterday, slightly shorter shift than normal so only worked 7.5 hours rather than 11.5. It was ok, I was fine about looking after other peoples sick children which had worried me. I obviously had a lot of sympathy and a lot of awkward moments when people weren't sure whether to bring up E's name or not. Overall everyone was lovely, I'm not very good at people expressing their sympathy I just don't know what to say! I feel better having done it and I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow and doing my second shift. Hopefully I'll have another good day tomorrow!

Betty I think it's good that you're reducing workload. You have been working so hard since losing your little girl and it's taking its toll. You can always pick things up again professionally later when you've got through this horrific period of fresh grief and trauma. I remember being at a work party about four months after J died and a guy telling me about how his wife had just had a baby four months before at the same hospital and how amazing the baby was (he obviously didn't know anything about me) and feeling physically sick and dizzy. The hair falling out is a sign of extreme stress. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Earth grrrrr to your SIL. I would be really upset by that too. And I would be upset that I was upset. What makes it worse is that you feel furious with them and guilty that you can't be uncomplicatedly happy, but of course you bloody can't. I'm so sorry honey. I would just avoid her for a bit if you can. That's my strategy in these situations. I think our babies dying gives us a license to handle things like that however we want and however will make us feel ok about things.

Ducky great news you have a date. I hope the next few weeks are smooth and uneventful. And that you have a little Christmas baby this year. I know what you mean about feelings envious that other people sail through their pregnancies. I wish this wasn't the path we had to travel.

Madem i so hope this is your month. Thank you for your kindness towards me. You're such a warm person. Good luck with the counseling session.

Missalex I'm thinking of you and your lovely dad. I think you're an absolute hero to have managed to survive what you have. Hoping your little man is in your arms very soon.

Have had some tiny amounts of spotting, as I did in my short lived summer pregnancy, so worrying away about chemical pregnancies and miscarriages but trying to remember I have no control over any of this.

Kayleigh I hope you and your DH got a chance to talk things through. Thinking of you.

Thanks owl

Bit of a tmi question, does anyone know if the bleeding after the birth would have been lighter for me because I wasn't full term or because I had a stillbirth? Am trying to sort my hospital bag and didn't know what to do about pads. I am small so they are like giant nappies on me and after dd I only used always and only for 3 days. I didn't really need too many either. Do you think I should expect the same this time? Or more as I will have a bigger baby? Probably impossible to say isn't it?

Sooo much to think about x

X post ducky. You are doing so well. Thinking of you

Hi all, been busy but have read everything.

Sorry Betty, madem and kayleigh that you are feeling low at the moment. TTC is such a difficult time. I really hope it happens soon for you, and that your DP opens up to you kayleigh.

Tentative congratulations to critter, I'll be chanting 'stick bean, stick' till Friday. Everything crossed for you.

Lake, glad you have the OK to TTC again. Don't feel guilty about the pm. How will the medical service help to learn about still birth unless they are able to investigate the causes? Those of you that feel they can consent to a pm are helping the research. Fwiw I didn't want my daughter to have one as we knew the cause, but because she was born alive, it had to be done. Now I am 'glad' it was done, but at the time I wasn't at all.

missa so sorry about your dad. Glad you have a date now, it's not long now. And a date for you ducky! It really helped me to have a date, but as someone said, I couldn't actually really plan anything for when I had the baby.... But it's still a target iyswim.

Sending warm wishes and hugs to you all.

Betty, I hope your manager is understanding, surely they can understand what an awful time you have had recently and will reduce your work load without any hassle.

Earth, sorry you have been feeling sad recently. It must be a very difficult time for you. how insensitive to give you updates like that I don't know if I'm just a bad person but I find myself feeling quite angry towards people announcing their pregnancies etc as I am constantly worried, I suppose I'm jealous that people can go through pregnancies and feel excited and not worried.

Missa hope the scan goes well it's very close for you now! I found it very strange, I was expecting them to tell me to come in on this date but instead I was told to just pick a date! I kind of panicked! I felt huge relief coming out the hospital but then shortly after getting home all the anxiety came back and I thought... That's if I make it another 4 weeks with my baby am trying my best to have positive thoughts now! I have actually reduced my appointments at the moment as I didn't know whether tey were actually adding to my anxieties.

It's bad isn't it, even when I feel him move, even when I have heard the heartbeat I'm still expecting something to go wrong now! I have no idea how to stop feeling like this

Waves to everyone x

too I'm not an idiot- promise!

Betty, I'm sorry you are finding things so tough. The physical things you mention happened to me to, so whilst it is of course of zero comfort, I think it is all a normal course to steer.
I really hope that your manager is understanding about your workload and that the GP can help. Are you seeing the counsellor again? And are you managing to sleep?

AFM, my SIL had her baby on Sunday. It is a relief that it got here safely, but I've been feeling quite sad about it. She gets to keep her first born, and I didn't. On top of that I got live labour updates via text-literally cm by cm and then she has given her baby the same middle name as F. Needless to say, I'm finding it all a bit difficult. I'm trying to just shut it off but not really succeeding.

Wow, so much news…

Critter, I saw your news earlier in the week - I have been thinking of you and wishing sticky vibes across the Atlantic. this is very good news, and all you need to do is tale things one day at a time. As others have said, today you are pregnant

Kayleigh - that situation with your DP would piss me off too. Hope your talk with him goes well.

Ducky - hurrah for a date! I hope the last month goes quickly for you.

Mademoiselle - no way could I have gone back to work after a bereavement session, I just wouldn't have had the concentration, sorry. Might be do-able if all you have to do is sit at a desk and ping back emails for the afternoon, but I certainly wouldn't schedule any important meetings.

AFM, I'm finding that not taking time off to mourn is really catching up now. I've had to email my line manager and ask for my workload to be reduced - not ideal, as I was hoping to impress them enough for them to extend my contract / make it permanent. Also waiting for an appointment with my GP, as my grief seems to be forcing itself out in a very physical way - constantly nauseous and shaking, can't concentrate, unable to spend time with other people etc. Hair also starting to fall out, which I remember happing after DD1, but it's just another physical reminder that I have a baby who is not here.

Well done for getting your date Ducky, I found it helped to have a date to work towards.

Mad-personally, I wouldn't have been able to work after seeing the counsellor. As time went on and I saw her more often I probably could have, but at the beginning I felt drained and exhausted and sad after my sessions and could just go home and lie on the sofa. I am the sort of person who needs to work through my feelings of grief though, I'm not the type who finds it easier to cope by being busy.

Sorry m I have no experience of the counciller so wouldn't know what to expect I suppose it can go either way, maybe you will feel some relief to discuss things with someone and able to go and do things after or you might feel like going home and relaxing.

Oh my god that was so useless! Sorry!

It so strange having a date, I had to just pick one aswell! Will only be 37+4 but am hoping everything works quickly.

Missa is next though so hopefully she can fill me in on what to expect!

Gosh Ducky - how do you feel about that date then? It seems so very soon, although I am sure still too far away for you, in some ways...

Kayleigh I am sorry you're in a dark, confused place at the moment. All I can offer is hugs and the 'reassurance' that I too would feel quite unsettled and uncomfortable about this, but not sure if it's that rational. All I can say is that I am glad DH has sports / hobbies that keep him busy and sane. I know he finds it hard but at least having those ways to get rid of his frustration enables him to be there for me - quite a lot of the time. Right now though, as I am very, very emotional, he is just quite relieved I am seeing the grief counsellor Thursday.

Thoughts needed please: So I am seeing grief counsellor for the first time Thursday during my lunch break. Am supposed to have a fairly full on work afternoon afterwards. Is that unrealistic? Should I cancel and just go home after the session? What was your experience?

Missa, thinking of you lots xx