Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

Thanks ladies for the warm welcome - whilst pregnant with my last child I was a member of a pregnancy forum which was a lifeline at times.. Met some wonderful ladies.. All of whom now have 6month old little ones, so I've distanced myself from them for self preservation really.. So I hope to make some good friendships here :)

I've had a quick read through the last few pages of the thread..
ducky I hope your little one is okay xx
mimi sorry to hear about Poppy's passing..sometimes we just have to have hope that it'll all work out, & push through our anxieties. Xx
town quietly hopeful for you as well..fx xx

I did read many more posts but I'm about to fall asleep with the phone in my hand..again.. Ha..
I have no idea what times zones are most applicable here but goodnight from me xx

Sorry havent been around for a while, I have been reading but not posting. Good luck to all the ladies ttc. Sorry for those who have mc. After what you have already been through I think life can be so cruel.

A lady I know lost her baby at 36 weeks the week before christmas, another lady lost her little boy 22 dec at 3months old,and today I just found out a family friends sister lost their baby this week who was due in 3weeks. Devestating. Before this happened to me, I didnt know anyone who had a stillbirth, now I know 6 people from the last 18 months. It truely saddens me that it is happening more frequently.

Im due to go back to work march after almost two years off. There is no way I could have gone back after just 8 weeks. It took me almost 10 months to pluck up the courage to go in. It wasnst as bad as I thought, but I knew they were all thinking about what had happened which is why I was anxious. Looking back, I could probably have gone back early, and it might have helped me, but at the time I shut so many people out as it seemed easier than facing upto reality.
Im quite looking forward to going back to work now which I never thought would happen.
All those ttc, dont give up. Like a few on the thread, I have my rainbow. She's such a little smiler (when she's not screaming the house down) I just wish id found this thread earlier, I could have shared my journey with you.

Sending sticky bean vibes and baby dust to all x

Hello everyone, huge essay coming to catch up and spout thoughts (I've been away from people for so long...)!

Sad but glowing welcomes to winter and mimi, this lovely group will look after you. allterrain we haven’t met yet, waves to you too.
ducky please update us as soon as you are able to, hanging on to know your DS is feeling better soon.

I’ve been following all your updates and it’s good to read about your progress - and it is progress isn’t it? Even if it’s very hard sometimes, you’re amazing! The depth of your empathy despite all you're going through is real evidence of how well you're doing, IMHO. Thanks for your kind words about my recent MC. This thread is like a lesson in how not to feel so alone. My heart aches for all of you.

Lots of similarities cropping up - annaelis and cake I'll be 39 in March. Pressure was all I felt before this MC. Deciding to notice the things I was too pressured to - that scientific fact doesn't support the idea that we're much less fertile or less able, for example - has helped me to step back. town and critter talked about the same desperation I felt about TTC and yes, I was just desperately missing the little boys I was carrying and wanting exactly that again. Five or six months on seems to be a common stepping-off point amongst us here, at least from that particular part of our grief.

cake I have written a lot since losing my boys. Not so much a journal but maybe like short essays on certain aspects of loss as they came up and became too much to think about and not write down. What I’ve found helpful in the past with what I thought of as journal writing was to put down all of the words in whatever order they arrived, no matter if they made sense or not, just to get it all out of my head. It’s not meant for anyone to ever read or be able to understand, so gibberish or repetition is never judged - by you or anyone else. I hope it helps you - writing is an honest place for me. I echo ellie in the thought that tough times call for reflection on your inner monologues and just getting them out on paper is in itself a good way to see what is coming to the fore and maybe needs to be addressed, or held in your heart, or just noticed. betty I really feel for you right now - the one thing guaranteed to make my eyes leak is remembering my blackest days after losing the twins - anything that drags you back even close to there is just so undeserved and so cruel.

town and kayleigh I love that your memorial plans have/ are coming together. I’ve wondered if having a stone to visit would be right but we had a cremation and we’d planned to scatter the ashes - actually booked a trip and there was a storm so we couldn’t go (it involved a boat journey). I felt that the place and the plan were totally right but I was glad of the storm because I still felt too raw to say goodbye - it felt so final and we were out of our minds at the initial service - there was no closure to be had so soon after. The whole trip is on ice and people have been very good about leaving us to find another time, maybe on the other side of winter. In truth I’m still not ready but I do still think that is what we’ll do. We hope to make the place itself special for us that way, so any time we take the boat there again we can take time to peacefully remember our babies.

I'm back to work (again) today post MC. I’ve felt very drained this week, really unable to leave my DH and think about work - it was awful so I cut it short and nobody complained. I get so consumed by my job because I really do love what I do but I’m definitely on the unhealthy side of ‘focused’ when I’m in that zone. One of the things I loved about being pregnant was having a totally different order of importance - my boys were number 1 and 1! The first time I had a healthy relationship with my work ever! It would have been the same this time - I could feel the shift - but I had only two days back before the MC. How to keep that feeling without the babies to think about? I have taken on a lot of extra work, all arranged before I knew I was pg, so yes, town, there is also a very child-unfriendly trip coming up where I am doing about 2.5 days’ work on a nine day trip to a buzzing city far, far away.

Pregnant ladies - I hope you’re feeling fine and getting all the love and reassurance you need! kayleigh both my early pg experiences were characterised by UTTER exhaustion. I even made a sneaky ‘bed’ in the back room at work so I could lie down because with the twins I felt so tired I wanted to cry! I only used it once - just knowing it was there made the desperation fizzle away.

TTC ladies, vicky et al - all my bestest vibes are winging their way to you! Get it ON!

And those of us going with the flow, madem and others, let’s see how that goes, yeah? GWTF is a bit up and down at this time of year, for anyone, let alone those of us still wrestling with our pain and loss. We’re here for leaning on.

Sorry for such a massive essay but you'd all opened up so many avenues of thought and experience I just wanted to respond fully and hope to open them more for everyone in return. Ignore or jump in as you choose. We're all here. Sending love in big waves to you all, gm xxx

Ducky hope DS is ok, how scary for you. At least in the specialist baby unit he is getting the best possible care.

Welcome Winter and Mimi! I only joined this forum a month or so ago but they're a lovely bunch of girlies on here. I lost my little girl in Feb, and I wish I'd found this forum earlier - plenty of room for more, even though it's always sad that you're here in the first place.
I've been TTC for 2 months now, and due to test Saturday... no sign of AF yet so I'm quietly hopeful.

Allterain lovely to hear from you, and glad that you have a c-section date. You are brave having your rainbow on the same timeline as your angel. There's not a lot that can be done about the anxiety, not long now though, the finish line is in sight and it sounds like you have good support in RL.

kayleigh that sounds so tough with your mum on top of everything else. You are one strong lady, that's for sure!

Ducky So sorry to hear that little one isn't very well. I hope he starts to pick up soon, can't imagine how you must be feeling but you're in the best place.
Allterrain Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed by it all. You're bound to have a million conflicting feelings going on all at once given what you've been through. No advice but want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Winter and Mimi welcome to the thread although I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my daughter Anneliese in September due to placental abruption mid labour and am also ttc at the minute. I think it's normal to feel unsure about ttc again. I think a lot of us have gone back and forth with how we feel about ttc. From what I've heard from the ladies here, children are remarkably resilient and they are often the reason these ladies manage to keep going. All I would say is do what feels right for you and be kind to yourselves, you'll probably feel all over the place some days but that's ok! Sending lots of baby dust!!

Hi everyone
I'm a complete newbie to forums but thought I'd give it a go as you all seem so friendly and supportive.

Our angel Poppy passed at 4 days old. It'll be 2yrs on March 9th and trying again is something we want but so scared for too many reasons to list. Is it fair on the other children? Is it fair on Poppy? Will it be ok? Can I cope with it again? So confusing but I know we have to try.

Xxx

Allterrainmammy - I don't know you're story so I hope you don't mind me wishing you well for your c-section.
I really hope that you leave hospital with a lovely, snuggly bundle. Xx

Ignore my first paragraph - clearly I was in cuckoo land when saying it hadn't been posted on recently - numpty!

Can see this thread hasn't been posted on in a while but didn't know where else to introduce myself.. So hi

I've two children - this month was our first ttc our 3rd :)
I have a son who will be 4 in May, and a daughter born last July who died as a result of placenta abruption (mid-labour) - I'm a 0.2% statistic unfortunately.
She would have been 6 months old in 3 days time. It was completely unexpected & to come so close to giving birth to an otherwise perfectly healthy baby - devastating.

So here I am.. It's been two years since deciding to add to our family & so much has changed, but at the same time nothing has changed. Hoping I get a 2015 baby so the next couple of months I'll be all over DH like a rash

Period is one day late, but I had a negative test this afternoon so looks as though period is just toying with me! The joys of ttc..

Just a quick post to send ducky lots of love and hugs, i hope the docotrs at the baby hospital get ds back to full health asap xx

Checking in for the first time in ages. Ducky, so sorry to hear your little one is so poorly, really wish him a speedy recovery. What a worry for you. Thinking of you.

Sorry I haven't been around for a while. I keep up to date with the thread about once a week but it moves so fast I struggle to get my head around sending personal responses to everyone, so my apologies.

So sorry to read that there has been yet more sadness for some of you recently. Wishing you strength in these dark days.

Hope all rainbow Mammies are doing well and that that the lovely rainbow babies are happy and thriving.

AFM, we have our c-section booked for four weeks today (19th Feb) and the anxiety is getting worse, not better as I'd hoped. The nearer we get the more I feel like something will still go wrong. I washed some of DD's (now 3.5) baby things yesterday and really felt I was tempting fate. The date of our section will be 4 days after F's first birthday which in some ways is a comfort. We're being well looked after by the consultant so I guess all we can do is hope and pray we get to bring out rainbow baby home.

Thinking of you all x

Just checkin in guys, ended up in hospital, he was struggling wih his breathing. Just in an ambulance to a specialist baby hospital now

Hi everyone, did a massive reply to everyone and managed to delete it so just sending a quick message to check in.

Sorry to hear a few of you are having a tough time, I hope you all have plenty of support. I sometimes feel like when I have these periods it helps me work through how I'm thinking and feeling (although it doesn't feel like it at the time!) I hope this is the case for you

AF finally turned up (after going to the doctors to get the pill in the hope of resetting my cycle) Glad I don't have to take anything to get myself back to normal.

Can't remember who asked how old everyone was. I can totally understand that you almost put extra pressure on yourself if you're over a certain age. In my case I'm 26 and have had two babies who haven't lived. My sister in law is 37, got pregnant by accident and had a perfect pregnancy, labour and baby. Try not to worry about the age thing too much, I think there is too much emphasis put on age sometimes.

I have said to dh I need to try and put back as much as I get from this thread. I feel like I get a lot of support from all of you but struggle to keep up with the thread sometimes and feel I'm a bit rubbish-sorry, I will try harder!

Hi everyone,

Been busy being a mum the past week and a half as our part time nanny is 8 months pregnant and won't work that much anymore (she's having a boy) plus our little girl's had a cold with some lingering snot and coughing so I didn't want our nanny to get sick so close to her due date. Have been interviewing a new girl but not convinced yet. I think I'm getting more and more paranoid about who's reliable enough to take care of our daughter. Our nanny and I were pregnant together for a while and it's been hard to see her bump grow. BUT, she's tried to get pregnant for nearly 6 years and she's had so many mc's that I find it hard not to be happy for her. She hasn't told me just how many mc's she's had over the years but I believe it's double digits. When our son died she told me never to give up hope, she never did.

Betty and Cake, I was shamelessly smug about the age gap there was going to be between our daughter and our son. I think the smugness made the pain so much worse when our son died. Now all I see when I go outside is girls with little brothers. One of the hardest things for me was definitely letting go of the future I had envisioned. One girl one boy and maybe another kid later. Now I don't know anymore. And Cake, I'll be 39 in March so I too feel the pressure.

Critter, I'm going back to the office a couple of days next week. Been working from home a little here and there which has been quite fun. Last week was the first time I felt I actually wanted to go back. I'm sure it will be hard but I'm hoping it will be good too.

Town, I'm Swedish living in the U.S. with a British husband :)

Giant, my husband and I have decided to wait a few months to ttc. We talked about it last night and I think it's the right decision. Since my obsession with being pregnant again subsided I've started thinking more about how fragile our lives are and what a tremendous strain the grief of loosing a child put on our relationship. I'm hoping we'd be able to get through it if it happens again but I'm also now thinking maybe it's better if we don't try at all. We have one heathy little girl and we are a small but sound family unit. I was so ready to become a family of four (or even five) but now everything feels different. But then again, I've rarely regretted anything I did in my life before, good or bad. Maybe it is like some people say that you only regret the things you didn't do. Oh I don't know. Anyways it would be fun to actually get to enjoy some intimacy without the constant worry about ttc. I'm so happy you're feeling stronger.

Love to everyone

Xxa

vicky keeping my fingers crossed for you this month.

town this is a long running thing with my mum unfortunately. She's not in the best of health (first heart attack in 2004, followed by cardiac pacemaker implanted, second heart attack just before Christmas in 2012, followed by open heart surgery the following January to put a mechanical valve in, and then a pacemaker replacement last in May 2014). I'm the only child and whenever mum's been ill or just out of hospital i've gone shopping for her so she doesn't have to do it. The issue now is she doesn't do anything for herself these days (the only time she gets dressed is if she has an appointment with the doctor ect)- she just sits smoking at home, and it's not just a couple of times a week she asks me to do things now. Sorry, that turned into an essay somewhat.

kayleigh I'm angry for you about your mum. Has she always been like that? Time to introduce her to internet shopping, methinks.

Go Vicky, don that cape, whoop whoop!!

Waves to Madem, letting it flow is a great plan after everything you've been through.

I've read back and counted 3 MCs in Dec and Jan.
Maybe this is an unlucky fred. 1 more page to go and we can be fresh shiny new and positive.

I'm so sorry I've not been so active on here lately, life is just happening and I'm letting it flow.
I just wanted to give kayleigh and critter big squeezes for their beans.
And Betty a true, heartfelt hug. It all sucks and I'm so sorry...

Hi all, I'm still here lurking. Praying for those of you who are preto for continued healthy and happy days, those who aren't and want to be hoping for baby dust for us and for those who are in a different place just be kind to yourself and your OH.

AFM - ovulation coming up so about to be pestering the hubby again!

town i'm so pleased (that really sounds wrong) that G's headstone is exactly what you wanted. Your plan for the anniversary sounds beautiful. We've got an idea of the headstone we want for Ben, but i need to speak with the vicar first to make sure it's appropriate- unfortunately her husband was in a terrible accident and she hasn't returned back to church yet

Thank you town and critter for assuring me that the extreme tiredness isn't as odd as i'd thought. DH is doing as much as he can when he's not working, which is muchly appreciated. As for other family- my mum is still expecting me to run around after her. She's actually made me quite mad today as she has a doctor's appointment this afternoon, yet still demanded i go to the shop for her this morning so she can just go straight home .

Love to all xx

Cake am thinking of you today. So many what ifs and it is just so incredibly painful to think of what could have been. I don't have a living child but I too hate the thought of all the time that's passed, and I think your sorrow is totally normal. I have heard that there can be benefits to having a larger gap, your little girl will have a very protective and sweet relationship with her next sibling, and often siblings that are close in age don't get on as well. Some of my best friends are closest to siblings a lot older or younger than them.

I'm 35 now but started TTC at 31, and I hated having the genetic talk at the hospital about being an older mother. It felt so bloody unfair! I always wanted a big family as well and it is hard to let go of what could have been. But as town says, you can have babies, you have shown you can, your next little one will come to you. I'd talk to your doctor about ttc and see what s/he says. You are still recovering post partum and post c section right now. Your body needs time to recuperate.

Town I totally identified with what you said about the desperate urge to be pregnant again post loss. I just wanted to magic away what had happened and be back in my pregnant happiness and have my baby to fill my empty arms. That is very true. The urgency eased a little after maybe five or six months. But it was awful. I remember my sister had a stray dog who she took it who turned out to be pregnant, and she had to take the dog to the vet to get her spayed and terminate the pregnancy (she was living in a developing country at the time and didn't know anyone who would have taken the puppies). The poor dog had already made herself a nest under the bed to have her puppies and after her operation she went and lay in her nest and wouldn't come out for days and days. I really identified with her. Oh, also, I'm a Brit living in the US with an American DH.

Betty I had a much earlier mc than you and didn't have the trauma of your terrible erpc experience - but I found the post mc crash awful. It really compounded my grief. My mum who also had a mc after her stillbirth told me that it was her lowest moment. You really are in the pit at the moment, but you WILL recover and you won't be in this horrible abyss forever. I am just so sorry you've been tortured like this.

Kayleigh - first tri tiredness is no joke. I'm still knackered and sick at 14+4. But when I feel ok for a few hours I panic that the baby has died! I take my hat off to you getting through it with two living children to look after. That is amazing in and of itself. Can your DH or relatives help at all?

Ducky I agree that you should never feel bad for checking things are ok with your son. Like you I feel guilty I was too relaxed in my pregnancy and if I had been more anxious and pushed harder for a more hands on model of care (which ironically is typical in the US) someone might have spotted there was a problem with J. With the next child I will definitely not be shy to seem more neurotic!

Cake I was thinking of you and W today. Glad the sun shone for you. The pit will get smaller with time, honestly it will. The journal is a great idea. And your time will come to be there for your friends in return, and you will be all the better friend for having been through this and understanding what's needed.
Anna 4-5 months seemed to be the magic time when my desire to be pregnant became less intense, exactly the same as you I felt almost possessed at first, but in hindsight I just wanted my bump back – to rewind the clock and have my little girl delivered safely. My 9 month wait was enforced, but it certainly helped me be in a better place as a result.
Critter Glad you feel calmer after 'J's first birthday. Its a big milestone, isn't it. Hope you're feeling ok, and the bean is incubating well.
Giant welcome back, I think I joined just as you left. Sorry its such tough times for you, sending you a big virtual hug. You sure sound like one tough lady though. Definitely sounds like you need a break from TTC - time for a nice child-unfriendly holiday, maybe?
Ducky hang in there, hope your ds gets better soon.
Betty we can dream about our perfect families, can't we, and then real life gets in the way. It's definitely good to have a moan every now and again. Since 'G' died I've tried hard not to imagine what my family will look like in the future. I may only be able to have 1 kid, maybe none, or maybe pop out 2 or 3 with no issues. Or have a disabled child, like 'G' would likely have been if she'd survived. Life can take you in strange directions, can't it.
Kayleigh I remember 1st trimester tiredness being like nothing else. And with 2 kids to look after, you must be exhausted. Can you delegate more to DH?

Cake I'm a relative youngster, at 34, but I'm sure there are a few others here at 38. Strange to have my first baby at a respectable 33, and now I'm looking at being the magic doom and gloom age of 35 before I have my first 'take home and keep' baby. But...at least you know you've been able to get pregnant at least twice before, so you are definitely fertile, and I guess you've seen the graphs that show it's not all bad after 35.... the Daily Mail has a lot to answer for.
A few months longer to be properly ready (and make sure DH is ready) will not matter, I'm sure.

I can't believe how cruel the US maternity system is! Anna and Critter, are you from the US, or Brits living abroad?

AFM, we went to the cemetery on Sunday to see 'G's headstone for the first time. It's just how we wanted it, and actually seeing her name and dates there do help me connect with her more while I'm there. Next time we go will be the 1st anniversary of the day she died, and I'm already planning a nice flower arrangement and photo to take for her.
5 more sleeps before I'm allowed to poas!

critter sending you for J's birthday. I have to say i too am thankful for the hours we got with Ben- as you said not everyone gets that. I hope the next few days are gentle for you.

betty i can understand your feelings about the age gap between children, although personally i think there are good things about a bigger age gap. Jessie was 7 when Ben was born and while her age meant she understood more about what had happened, it also meant she knew just when i needed a hug from her.

ducky sorry to hear you've had an extra concern with ds being poorly with his cold. My dc's tend to sleep a bit more when they're ill, it's usually an indication for me that Jessie is coming down with something (she's usually a constant ball of energy so when she sleeps more i just know), so your ds is possibly sleeping more to fight the cold off.

cake sending you on W's due date, i'm glad you've had a nice calm day, and i hope the next few days are gentle also.

AFM thank you to the ladies asking after me. I'm doing ok, just constantly shattered at the moment, and can't seem to get enough rest, which is concerning me. Have any of you felt like that at all? I've got my booking in appointment with the midwives next Tuesday so i'll mention it to them.

Love to all xx

Cake, xxxx glad you are feeling calm, sending you lots of love. X

Well, ds was improving on his new milk but then woke up today and started coughing loads, he then has slept pretty much all day and I've had to wake him for feeds. Took him to gp who said he has his first cold don't know why he's sleeping so much tho

Thanks everyone for your kind words, it really is great to have you here, although I'm sorry you are too x

As for Facebook, I've come off it completely, I feel a lot better now. Too many babies, too many pregnancy announcements and generally getting driven mad by pointless updates was adding to my rubbish mood. I see everyone and hear from those that matter, I'm surprised how little I miss it.

ducky as my wonderful gp once said to me, never apologise for being concerned for your baby, I would rather see you than not. And that was before I'd even experienced any sort of loss so it's totally understandable you feel anxious. I hope your gp reassures you xxx

betty I've got crampons and rope, we'lol climb out of this pit somehow x I totally understand the age gap thing, I so wanted a 3 year gap and now that's out the window, and yet I feel ridiculous for even caring and should just be grateful for dd surely, but it's still there in my head. Whatever happens it'll be at least a 4 year gap now.

critter happy birthday to J, I'm glad you got to spend some time with your dh and have a good cry, it's good to get it out isn't it even though it's so sad xx I'm desperate to get back to running but until I can shift this cold that will have to wait. I'm a total fresh air fan so being stuck at home with dd being poorly last week and now me has definitely not helped my mood.

giant here's to lots of fun, no pressure fun sex for you frankly we all deserve a bit of fun don't we so I think that's a great idea. We still haven't dtd since W passed away, i think we've just been too wrapped up in our grief but I hope that side of things comes back soon as I miss the closeness.

anna it will be really interesting to compare notes on our consultants meetings, I'll update you after 28th x

kayleigh hope you're feeling well and all is very uneventful

So W's due date is finally here, the sun is shining and it's a beautiful cold day. I spent the morning with friends who have been fantastic and gave me hugs and flowers and we just had a quiet walk with our dcs. I had a cry when I woke up today but otherwise feel quite calm. It's so surreal to think how things could've been, that W could've been coming home if he'd made it out of intensive care. But I know it's pointless to think like that, he didn't and we have to try and find a way to live without him now.

Do you mind if I ask, am I the oldest here? I'll be 39 this summer and that plays heavily on my mind in any ttc thoughts. Until we see the consulatant I shouldn't really think about it, but I know time is against me but having had an emcs I'm sure they would want us to wait too.

Sorry that was so long! Love to all x

Critter, happy birthday to j for yesterday, sending you lots of love x

Betty, it's understandable how you are feeling, you must be devastated, I hope you are getting lots of support in RL x

I'm sorry I feel like all I do is moan! Ds has had a massive improvement on his new milk but when we got up this morning he started coughing after his feed quite a bit and sounded wheezy. He also slept for 7 hours last night! That sounds like it should be a good thing but worried me this morning due to the cough. I feel like I'm constantly on edge waiting for the next thing to go wrong he sounded a bit wheezy after coughing so am just waiting for a call from the dr. He is only coughing occasionally now and has just fell asleep. The gps must think I'm insane, when they talk to me now they do sound like they think I'm just overreacting even though they missed his allergy last time. Maybe I am overreacting but I keep thinking if I pushed a bit more for what I thought should have been done with dd, maybe I wouldn't have lost her