Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

Thank you, it took a lifetime to agree on a name we both loved! No I don't have any other children, I had a miscarriage last year and then fell pregnant with Anna within the month, I was just desparate to have a child, not helped by my sil having an unplanned pregnancy and being due 2 days after my original due date. Seeing her with her baby breaks my heart, I'm happy everything worked out for her but it kills me that we tried so hard and did everything 'right' but yet this happened.

I don't even know what answers the consultant can give me or whether it will make a difference. My contractions were never more than 2mins apart but I was told it was fine, by the time the midwife came to me she noticed how much blood there was and we had to go to hospital by ambulance, I just keep thinking surely those contractions weren't normal, surely they'd know something wasn't right. Apparently it was a placental abruption, possibly caused by a short cord and the fact I was overdue which makes me want to try again soon but there's a little doubt just in case there was something else wrong.

Unfortunately I decided early to finish my mat leave and start sick leave so I could go back to work ASAP, probably stupid as I work with children. I want to go back to work but dh doesn't, he is really struggling. He isn't sleeping well and had been prescribed anti-depressants. He says he won't be happy until we have another baby. I want to go back to work soon, I just can't stand being stuck at home. I'm just scared to leave dh. I've been in to work to see everyone which wasn't too bad.

The nurse thinks I had my period straight after the lochia finished so I could technically try now. How did you feel once you started trying again? I feel excited yet nervous, I just don't want to make the wrong decision.

Sorry for the essay, helps to talk to someone who has been through this. I find I'm comforting everyone else so they don't feel upset/awkward around me do I end up not talking about it. Thanks again.

Hi Ellie, so sorry you find yourself here sorry for your loss. You are also still very early on in your grief. I lost my first baby in February at 31 weeks. In terms of TTC, I was TTC before the pm results, little did I know (I think) I was probably pregnant again when I went to the pm appt. i am currently 36 weeks with my rainbow and will be induced a week on Monday. Fingers crossed everything goes to plan! I really won't be much help in terms of how you can support your husband, I suppose when I lost dd I was very selfish and could barely cope with dragging myself through the day let alone supporting my husband. X

Kayleigh, I think it helped a little bit for the day, but as the day gets closer I think the anxiety gets worse! If it is even possible!

Little that's wicked news about your scan! Glad your mw managed to get you straight in and out

Hugs to everyone x

Hello Ellie, cross post

So sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely Annelise (beautiful name!) After I lost 'A' I didn't want to go back to work for ages. In fact all I did was sit on the sofa in my pyjamas watching crap telly, whereas my DH had 2 weeks paternity and 1 week sick then went straight back to work. I ended up going back to work 5.5 months later and even that was on a phased return. Have you thought about maybe using some of your KIT days to go to work? That'll help you test the waters with work and with your DH.

As for ttc, I had a period exactly 34 days after giving birth which was just a little bit more than my average cycle length. I started ttc straight away - so I 100% understand your need to feel and be pregnant. We had our results about 11 weeks after the birth so didn't wait either.

Do you have any other children?

Welcome cake to our thread, I am so sorry to find you here and sorry for the loss of your babies. You are still at the beginning of this tumultuous journey, things must be so very raw, I remember only too well the feelings of hopelessness and failure. In Aug last year I lost my first baby boy 'A' at 25+5, I just stopped feeling him move, went for a scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't have a PM however they tested everything else. They didn't find a cause however was given the probable problem with the placenta answer which seems pretty standard! The last year since then has been pretty shitty, however little milestones like going back to work have made me feel half normal. We started TTC pretty much straight away, I was desperate to be pregnant again and it took us 18 month to conceive the first time, nothing happened had multiple tests and finally got referred for ivf - only to discover a bfp the day after my first ivf appointment.

Ducky you are doing tremendously well, who can blame you for going for all them scans and for ttc so quickly, like critter said I wanted the same. You really haven't got long now till you have your precious baby in your arms.

Madem glad you are starting to feel a bit more 'normal' I think I got to the normal normal stage around 7-8 months after losing 'A', my thoughts of him aren't immediate sadness but are fond nice memories of my pregnancy which people may think is mad but I am so grateful that I had him regardless of the way it ended.

Kayleigh sorry AF arrived! Bottle of your favourite gin sounds good. I was the same as you, cbfm, conceive plus, high protein diet the works - started to get sick of it 13 months on but was still obsessive!

Betty can't believe you've been declined counselling. Seems ridiculous. Glad you have attended a Sands meeting.

Critter, missa, lake, blue, ruby, and anybody else I may have forgotten waves

AFM I had my early scan this morning and all went well. I am measuring 7+3, I saw a little flicker of a heartbeat. They were so good at the hospital, the bereavement nurse organised for me to go straight in, not to wait in the same area as the heavily pregnant ladies and was straight back out. A really pleasant experience considering the last time I was there it was horrific news. I am also starting to become a little fatty, I can't stop eating carbs! I know I have a long long journey to go but I am ok for now.

Hi, wondering whether I can join you? Firstly, I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. I suppose I'm just trying to make sense of everything and see how everyone else has managed to cope. I lost my daughter Anneliese nearly 9 weeks ago, I was 9 days overdue and thought I was in labour. By the time I got to hospital my little girl was already gone. Still trying to make sense of it all and struggling with how best to support my dh-I want to go back to work but he doesn't. We are also debating about ttc again, even though we haven't had the pm results yet. It seems to be taking so long with no idea as to how much longer it will be. We were told it was a combination of things that are very unlikely to happen again but we would have to wait for results to be sure. My mum thinks we're crazy for trying again before the results but we feel like it's the only way we can move on. Not really sure what I'm asking, I suppose I just wonder how people felt about ttc, whether they did so before pm results and how they supported dh (especially if thry didn't cope very well.)

Thank you Ducky. Are you feeling any less anxious now it's been checked out? (possibly the daftest question ever but thought i'd ask anyway). I remember Brian was quieter movement wise the nearer it got to due date, as you say there isn't as much room in there by that stage

Happy birthday to your grandad Kayleigh

He's still quiet, as it has all been checked out I assume it's as he's getting too big to do all the moves he used to I haven't got to this stage of pregnancy before so it's all new to me!

X

ducky don't apologise- it's really not needed. I'm not surprised you feel like you're going insane, how have his movements been since you went to the hospital? I hope your little man behaves for you for the coming week

AFM today is my beloved Grandad's birthday, but as he's no longer with us we took cards and flowers the the book room at the cemetery for him. It's really not at the best time as i'm overly teary at the moment (thank you af), although Grandad's now sporting the best looking bunch of flowers there as i seem to have developed a knack for flower arranging thanks to Ben haha

Love to MissA, Betty, Earth, Madem, Lake, Cake, Critter and anyone i've missed xx

I'm so sorry, all I do is bloody moan!!!

X

Glad the sessions are helping cake.

I feel like I'm going insane! No more water but have had movement issue. Was up since 4am trying to feel movement, I had a couple when I got up and ate but nothing like normal so went to the hospital.. They did a ctg and sent me for a scan and everything seems fine. I guess he's just getting too big to move much. I feel like an idiot, the amount of times I have been in with 'reduced movement' he must just keep changing his routine! But I just don't want to risk missing anything wrong just another week to get through of feeling like this!

Hope everyone is ok x

Meant to say, the clinical psychologist we are seeing is attached to the neonatal unit where our son was cared for, and her support is offered as standard to all families, you don't have to prove you need it. I'm so cross for you, how exactly do they want you to behave I wonder before you 'qualify' for support?! Grrrr!

kayleigh not a nut job at all, or if you are then we all are too so let's be nuts together

betty how unbelievably crap to be told you're coping too well! As others have said, just because you're able to string a sentence together doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from some sessions. Having just come back from our latest session with a clinical psychologist I can say the sessions are well worth it, even on days where I'm feeling okay it's good for me and dh just to have some time to talk and for someone totally independent from us to listen, prompt us with questions, thoughts, observations etc. I feel very lucky that we have been offered this service for as long as we need / want it. Just goes to show what a lottery it is in terms of support out there. Perhaps go back toy our gp and talk about other options, look at support available from local charities etc. it's not fair you're having to look around for support like this x

ducky how are you today, any more 'leaking'? When my waters went with my dd it was only a trickle but it was quite a distinctive smell, sort of sweet and not like wee.

Betty how frustrating... Have you tried contacting your bereavement mw? She's the one who got me referred to see a counsellor. 6 sessions only (3rd one is soon, I'm already nervous!) but at least that's something. I'm sorry you appeared to cope 'too well' to make it onto their lost. How frustrating. Only because you're able to string a sentence together without sobbing down the phone and not threatening to do something stupid doesn't mean you're going well though!... We are here for hugs x

Ducky sorry no help at all here, my waters never went until right at the end when the MW popped them to get things started!

Thank you ladies, for saying i don't sound like a nut-job , my guess is that if i told anybody else how i'm feeling in the same way i did here i'd get some odd looks, but of course you wonderful women understand.

Betty well as my local supermarket is selling the rum i drink at £14 for a litre it'd be rude not to enjoy it. Sorry to hear about not getting the counselling, don't people realise that just because we appear to be coping that's all it is- coping.

ducky i'm unable to help regarding the waters, as all 3 times i've broken my waters myself (under midwife supervision i might add), although i have read amniotic fluid has a different colour and smell that wee. I'd agree with the others though and if you're concerned go and get checked out

Think it was a false alarm as I haven't had anything since

Ducky, when mine went it was like a trickle of wee and then it just kept trickling at little intervals, it felt quite distinctive, and not just dampness from being a bit sweaty/discharge.
I didn't really get the sweet smell thing, but then the smell was obviously not urine if that makes sense.
If in doubt though, get checked. That is my motto.

Cross posts Ducky - I started 'leaking' a little with DD1; I went into maternity triage unsure about what it was, and they induced me to avoid the risk of infection. I think amniotic fluid is supposed to smell sort of sweet (and totally different to urine), but its difficult to tell if there is only a little bit. Perhaps it would be worth contacting your midwife to put your mind at rest?

I know some people dot know when to keep their mouths shit

Kayleigh you are not a failure at all I was extremely lucky at falling pg so quickly and cannot imagine how difficult it is for you going through what you did and then having the whole TTC to go through. You are incredibly strong.

I was jut out shopping and became all hot and flustered and felt a bit wet down there now I'm not sure if it was my waters or just me getting sweaty (gross) my mw told me if this happens to have a sniff (even more gross) and id know if it was my waters but it doesn't smell of anything, so I popped on a pad and then went to look but it's a bloody scented one that reeks of perfume I only have panty liners now so will try one of them. Since I have been back I have been dry though so don't think it was my waters?

With dd they never went until just before she came so don't know what to expect.

Does anyone have any ideas? Or know what smell I'm looking for

Kayleigh, sorry to hear that AF is here again. You don't sound like a nut job and I totally understand where you are coming from - I think that we lost our babies and started ttc at more or less the same, and like you, I though that I would be pg again by now. Enjoy the rum - if I get AF at the end of this month I will be doing similar.

Cake and Lake , yes, the 'coping too well' thing. I went to a SANDS meeting the other week, and people were a bit baffled that i was working on my thesis again so soon after my loss. But you do what you have to do - if I hadn't completed on time I would have probably ruined my chances of a career that I've been working really hard for. Lake - I think that I remember reading on another thread hat your job is in healthcare? - it sounds really full on, well done for going back so soon. And Cake, I actually found the days that I stayed at home with my toddler much harder than the days that I was working, as I was really forced to confront what I had lost. I hope that you are able to get a little time to yourself.

Critter, thinking of you loads, and glad things are looking good at the moment.

Ducky, thinking of you lots too, less than 2 weeks now. I hope the anxiety is manageable at the moment.

AFM, got referred for some counselling after GP appointment last week, and had telephone assessment yesterday. Upshot is that I won't be getting any counselling - basically I am coping 'too well' to be able to access their services. So frustrating.

kayleigh you don't sound like a nut job at al - or if you do, then we ALL do! That's exactly how I feel every time AF turns up and I am sure everyone else here too!

Which reminds me Ducky - how the hell did your colleagues dare make ANY sorts of comments about the fact you got pregnant quickly? I think a fair number of us would dream for this to happen to them (well...dream...you know what I mean!) as at least you had the pressure of ttc behind you and that's teh one thing you immediately want: being pg again! I just don;t get people who feel they can judge when they haven't been there... Why not just show empathy, kindness and love? Ah well. I am such a hippy.

On the topic of helpful colleagues ( great choice of words yet again Critter ) one of mine today told me, when talking about a close colleague who just lost her baby at 20+ weeks, that "at least you have a child, so you're ok. She doesn't even know that she can have any!"...Now...whilst I have some empathy with that statement, I also just wanted to shove all the worries about age gap, impossibility to be a grieving mother AND a mother at the same time and the fact that each time I look at her, I think of what could have been... Aaaanyway. Needless to say I will not be talking about this with her anymore!

Love to all of you wonderful ladies

PS: oh and Earth I can only echo what has been said already: please don't go, you and all the other rainbow mums are such fantastic reasons to keep hoping and to have faith in the future xxx

lake thank you. We'd dtd more this cycle than others, so i would have thought we'd covered ourselves so to speak. The 13th December will be 6 months since i stopped my pill- which as it was the mini-pill (due to migraines i can't have the combined one).

cake thank you for that link x

madem i know what you mean. One of my "friends" when i told her about how upset i was and why told my i'm putting too much pressure on myself?? I hadn't plotted out dates on the calendar this month or anything, so how i was putting pressure on myself lord knows. I also get your thinking regarding Christmas and drinking. It's my birthday on the 19th December so i intend on drowning my sorrows for the whole of that weekend with copious amounts of rum and my best friends in tow (DH will be off work so he can ensure Jessie and Brian don't run riot-ha!)

critter thank you too. How are you doing?

AFM had a long talk (well crying like a deranged banshee would probably be more accurate) last night about everything. I explained how i feel like a failure because Ben died inside me- not rational i know but there it is. I'd also told him how each time af comes a part of me feels like i've lost another baby, or rather the chance of one. I feel a little better for telling him how i feel but i'm worrying about dumping it all on him at times.

Gosh, after reading all that back i sound like a nut job . Apologies ladies . Love to you all xx

Lake next time that colleague says that, I'd say to her 'I know you're trying to be nice but when you say you couldn't cope, it makes me feel like you're implying you'd be sadder than me or grieving harder. I am managing this because I don't have a choice. And if this happened to you you would be forced to cope too.'

I really loathe it when people make comments like that. It is unhelpful and self indulgent- what are we meant to do, crumble into dust?

Madem and Kay, TTC is dreadful and after a loss it is unbelievably stressful. Hang in there.

Littletulip have you had your scan yet? Thinking of you.

Cake and Lake - that's the trouble with just about anything people say, isn't it? They mean well, but it could just as well so easily be misconstrued. I got that comment so many times at work. Trouble is: I don't feel like I am coping well at all, I am just very good at making it look like I am! And what do these people know anyway?? You just don't know how you'll feel until it happens to you. Of course we don't want to be in bed and wallowing all day forever. Some days yes, but then actually getting out of bed and attempting something takes away some of the thinking and wallowing time. Ugh. I wish I could just have a sign on my forehead informing people of my current mood and giving them some kind of comparative chart so they realise we are, in fact, totally normal.

Ducky I am so sorry someone did that to your dd's grave. How insensitive! As for the flowers left on bare graves...my grandmother used to do this so I actually find it quite sweet...it was never a judgement, but she would walk past these graves and say a prayer for the names she could read, entrust their souls to God and put a flower there, to show that they were still known and still mattered. I hope it was someone with intentions as pure and loving as my grandmother's who put yellow roses on all the graves where your baby is, Lake .

kayleigh I am so sorry about AF. I too got so terribly upset this month when she reared her ugly head. I was so convinced we'd done everything right and that the outcome must therefore be the expected one. I have now ditched EVERY SINGLE TTC contraption and will just go with eod. At least I don't get stressed out and I am not sure that I'd really have that many more chances to conceive by agonising and stressing over when to dtd. I know my body and just how sensitive I am to stress, anxiety etc... So I am giving myself a break. I figure that this month, I'll be super happy if I am pregnant but not as devastated as last if I am not, as I won't feel like I "swotted up" as much...Plus I won't worry about drinking etc over Christmas (not that I'd care in the slightest if I did get a bfp but hey ho...trying to see a silver lining)... I am sending you huge hugs and lots of love. I treated myself to new, comfy festive PJ bottoms and really squishy socks after AF turned up (incidentally not an outfit very conducive to ttc, but that's another story!) and ate a whole Lindt Santa whilst watching crap on Netflix to make up for being so miserable. I hope you find soemthing that brings you a little bit of comfort xx

lake thank you for the warm welcome, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to the 'you're coping so well' comments you're getting, it's really difficult isn't it. I know they mean well but I too feel like they think I'm not grieving as I should be. I'm confused, I'm just trying to do the best I can and keep going, mainly for our dd. I might shout at the next person who tells me how brave I am, I don't feel brave at all most of the time.

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