Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

Hi,
Thanks for welcoming me. So sorry you've all had such a terrible time.
My due date is coming up on Saturday. We had TTTS diagnosed at 18 weeks, then scanned every two days for a month before being sent down south for laser surgery. After the surgery I stopped feeling movement but the boys looked good on the initial scan. By the time I went in to triage two days later at exactly 22 weeks, one twin had died and I began quickly deteriorating with chorionamnionitis - they had to induce me that night. I delivered the boys the following morning, littlest one arrived first and tried to breathe but he was very ill from the infection too, bigger twin arrived six minutes later stillborn, and then I went into serious decline - turned purple and 'checked out'. It all happened very fast and was extremely traumatic, but they brought me back obviously. For a long time I wondered why they'd bothered. We're utterly devastated but various circumstances demand that we start trying again asap. I would give anything to feed and hold my beautiful boys.

intheory i'm so sorry for your loss of 'T', I hope this thread gives you the support you need

cake a belated happy birthday to your DD for Friday. I too find it hard sometimes to be a 'normal' mum to the older 2, but i suppose in a way this is the new normal.

AFM well my friends daughters christening today went well. It was hard, as it's just one more thing we'll never get to do for Ben, yet it was made even harder by another friend announcing to me she's pregnant. Normally i wouldn't let it get to me, but this is the second time she's got pregnant since i had Ben (she'd miscarried the first), and i'm sat here now wondering what the hell i'm doing wrong . God i'm turning so bitter and twisted these days

Love to all x

A sad but warm welcome ellie' giant and intheory, I'm so very sorry to hear about your losses and feel so very sad to see new names here. I am quite new here myself, it's just under 6 weeks since I went into labour prematurely and our son W was born by emcs at 27 weeks. Although initially the signs were positive, he then had 2 bleeds on his brain, the second being extremely severe, and 8 days later when he began struggling we made the heartbreaking decision not to reventilate him as his brain was just so so damaged. The doctors were so fantastic and supportive, but there is no obvious cause of why I went into labour so early. We will meet with the consultants in a few weeks to talk everything through but sadly it seems to be one of those things they can't explain. It is still very early days for me but the support I've had from the lovely ladies on this thread helps so much, just to know there are others out there who don't judge and understand as much as anyone can what you're experiencing. I have no idea with we will ttc again, I keep thinking about it but I need to have the consultants meeting to understand if we can, and if so when, as I am sure they would want us to wait due to the c section.

It was our dd's 3rd birthday on Friday and I found that so so difficult to get through, I felt like I was just going through the motions but I had to put on a brave face for her. I feel angry with myself sometimes that I can't just enjoy her more at the moment, but I find my mind wandering so much. On my better days dd is a great distraction, but on the not so good days it is so very hard to be 'normal' mum to her.

blue it's so lovely to hear a positive outcome, congratulations on your rainbow x

salsmum beautiful poem x

ducky I can only imagine how stressful things must be for you, I am counting down the days for you and so look forward to hearing about your rainbow x

I will be 37+4 at my induction but last time I went in I was told that the dr would want to look again at everything cus they may want to bring my induction forward, then I has to wait to see the dr so expected th worse but she set me free!

salsmum sorry I missed your post in the night. The poem is beautiful x

intheory I'm sorry for your loss of T. I think the emotions don't just fade with time (as other people, and perhaps we also expect) but we feel however we feel on a particular day and there's no right or wrong. Please tell us more about T if you'd like to.

ducky I worried that too, but I think they're aware that a lot of our trips to be checked are for reassurance rather than anything actually wrong with the baby iyswim so they take that into account with any decision. Will you be 38weeks at induction?

I was just worried that thy may move my induction date if I went in too much, they were thinking about it last time but obviously if baby is ok in there I would prefer him to stay in as long as possible one week tomorrow!!!

Am currently putting up my tree have some decorations made with dd's name on.. Feels strange thinking she should be here with us this Christmas

Welcome to the thread intheory sorry for the loss of your son, i hope you find this thread is as much of a help to you as it has been to me x

Hello all please may I join, our son "T" passed away when I was 23 weeks pregnant early this year due to his heart having serious problems. I think the hurt is getting worse for me but we are trying again. So sorry to all for your losses, its so heartbreaking.

kayleigh you don't sound like a nut job to me, I was feeling just like you this time last year. In fact I remember af daring to arrive on Christmas Day and I felt awful, drank loads more than I ever would normally to makeup for it.

ducky I can't remember how many times I went in to be checked near the end, but it was loads, it was worse as I got closer to my induction date. Just go with it I reckon, a rainbow pg is so hard you just have to do everything you need to to get through it. Tbh being induced, whilst it took a while, was great as I finally stopped worrying!

ellie we had the pm meeting after 12weeks and ttc'd straight after (I'd only just had my first period anyway). It felt like such a long time, I was desperate to start trying but wanted the results of the blood test to see if I had any clotting issues as that's one thing that can actually be treated.

betty it sucks they're not giving you counselling, did you already try through the uni?

Waves to all I've missed x

My Little Leaf.
It was the tiniest leaf
that fell from the big oak tree,
so tiny yet so perfectly formed
but never meant to be.

There were so many others
but only this one fell,
a leaf of many colours
a rare find I could tell.

I wanted to catch it in my hands
and take it home with me,
but briefly as it touched the ground
it blew away, so free.

It was only when it was gone
I came to realise,
that nature shows us the most beautiful leaves
before they blow towards the skies.

I know that come Autumn many leaves will fall
and although it's sad to see,
that little leaf hurt me most of all
because it almost belonged to me.

For a special 'little leaf' who will never be forgotten.
copyright by June Burden 18/04/14 xxxx

So sorry to see so many new names on here :( but welcome cake, ellie and giant, I hope this thread helps you as much as it has me. My beautiful son E was stillborn at 36 weeks just over a year and a half ago due to a placental abruption. I now have a 7week old rainbow daughter, which I still can't quite believe, and this feels like it's been such a long and hard road. The ladies on these threads have been so important in helping me and I'm sure that will be the case for you too.

Hi giantmama, just wanted to say sorry for your loss.

Hi giant mama, sorry for your loss.

Such a shame we've had so many new names on here recently x

Welcome EllieandAnna and Giantmama, sorry that you find yourselves here.
Ellie I lost my little girl at the end of August she was also 9 days overdue. I did have a PM and got the results the end of October took about 9.5-10 weeks. I went back to work at the beginning of November as I felt ready. I work with children in healthcare. For me personally I need to be busy and although it has been tough as I finished work at the end of July and have never had that long without working I felt like my brain had gone to mush when I went back. Luckily my employer is ridiculously understanding and when I went back I did a few training days at the end of October then did a few short shifts the beginning of November but I was extra to the staff they had so I could have left if I found it too hard. They let me chose what I wanted to do with regard to retuning and I have very quickly gone back to full time shifts. Luckily the NHS gives good holiday so although I am back full time I still have 7 weeks of holiday that I was planning to use after my mat leave. To break up my return I am working full time but have a weeks holiday every month so I still have time for me and time to relax and grieve.
I have no advice really in how to help your DH does he find it helpful to talk to you. The way we got through it all is by talking, my DH has one of E's scan photos which I'd made into a happy Father's Day love from the bump card on his bedside table and a picture that the hospital took of her. I often find him kissing her goodnight. We also had ink less hand and foot prints done at the hospital which we both got made into jewellery which helps both of us to feel like E is physically with us. I got a necklace and he had a gorgeous dog tag made which he hardly ever takes off.

I'm in the middle of a run of nights and ended up being incharge of our children's services last night, barely had time to drink a cup of tea in 12 hours. Back for more of the same tonight then my week off!! Sorry for the rambling post have only just woken up ought to get dressed and eating something, will try to catch up properly if I get a break tonight.

Hope everyone is doing well

Hi giantmama, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
We'd love to hear about your boys if you would like to share.
I lost my first baby, "F" 2 years ago due to an undetected problem with the umbilical cord and I was blessed with his rainbow brother who arrived in March this year.

A warm, yet sad welcome Giantmama so sorry for the loss of your precious boys. Please feel free to talk about them here. I lost my second son Ben in April at 34+1 due to a ruptured placenta. Sending you gentle hugs xx

Hello. Can I join you?
I lost my ID twin boys in August at 22 weeks. We're trying again.

Thanks Ellie i've got two older ones at home- DD Jessie who's 8 and DS1 Brian who is 5. Jessie was more aware of everything as Brian has additional needs, but with regard to managing i'm not sure i did at times, i just had to keep going for the older ones. Sorry to hear your DH has refused to see a counsellor- does he have any close friends/family you could ask to speak to him?

Critter i'm also hugely thankful i found this thread. Knowing i can write what i'm honestly feeling and i won't be judged for it has been so helpful at times

Love to all xx

Critter congratulations on your pregnancy! I can't imagine how awful it would have been for you to miscarry afterwards, especially after previously waiting so long and going through IVF.

Kayleigh I'm sorry for your loss and hope you get your BFP soon, it must have taken a lot of strength to manage to look after your child and grieve at the same time.

Well we have talked and decided that we will start trying again, dh says he feels more positive already. Our reasoning has been that every person we have spoken to has said it was just bad luck. We have spoken about what we would do/how we would cope should the worst happen and we feel it's the right decision for us. We don't plan to tell anybody though - everyone seems to have an opinion on what is best.

We were told that should I have been taken to hospital sooner she may have survived but most likely would have been severely brain damaged. Although I would have loved her and wanted her no matter what, I wouldn't have wanted that life for her.

I realised I said we had a pm, we didn't as we were told by several midwives that they were almost certain what happened. We did have the swabs and the MRI done, just wish it didn't take so long.

Husband wouldn't see a counsellor, has refused point blank. Hopefully trying again will help him. I told him I'm thinking about going back to work in a couple of weeks, he seems ok about it but I worry for him. I'll be fine, I just push my self to do things and get on with it whereas he tries to avoid it. We're yet to see our baby niece since it happened as he doesn't think he can deal with it. Sil feels awful but I can't force him to do something he's not ready for.

So glad I was told about this thread, it has really helped me get things into perspective.

Also - I really hope everyone has something calm and nice planned this weekend. I am so thankful for this thread. Love to you all, earth, Kayleigh, madem, cake, ducky, Betty, lake, owl and missalex. Xx

Yes tulip wanted to say what lovely news about your scan. Tight squeeze. We are all rooting for you!

Ellie a warm but sad welcome from me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Annalise (lovely name). I hope you find the support here you need, both now and in the future- i know i've benefitted from the lovely ladies here.
I lost my second son Ben in April at 34+1 due to a ruptured placenta and like you i felt the need to try again sooner rather than later. We didn't have a PM done on Ben, but i did go on short-term contraception due to my consultant wanting me to have blood tests done a few weeks after the birth (i'd had a huge blood clot in my womb so they wanted to rule a few things out). I came off the contraception on 13th June, and am still waiting the elusive BFP.
I'm sorry to hear your husband is struggling, but at least he has you there for him. My husband was the strong one while i fell to bits. Would your DH see a bereavement counsellor do you think?

Tulip so pleased your scan went well, and how considerate of your hospital to ensure you had a pleasant experience

Welcome Ellie, so sorry that you find yourself here and so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Anneliese. Your loss is still very raw. The first months after you lose a baby are particularly hideously awful, your hormones are all over the place and you're still in shock about how this nightmare happened to you and your precious baby. Talk to us if it helps, as others have said, there's no emotion too ugly or painful that we won't recognise.

I lost my first baby, a little boy, in January. I was 39 + 3 after a straightforward low risk pregnancy. I had a massive gush of painless bleeding, and when I went into the hospital (about an hour later, the midwife told me to wait and see when we first called) his heartbeat had dropped to 90 and I had an emergency c section. He had massive brain damage due to oxygen deprivation and died 20 hours later. They initially thought it was a placental abruption, but now they think his cord ruptured (he had a velamentous cord insertion). We didn't have a post mortem because it was clear that the oxygen deprivation was what had caused his death.

My baby was IVF-conceived after two and a half years TTC so I was desperate to try again as soon as I could but after a c section you're encouraged to wait a few months. I got pregnant in June but miscarried in July, and am now 7 weeks pregnant again (but it's been scary with some big bleeds). When you're ready, we will be here to hand hold - TTC after a loss is no joke. Don't worry about what other people think. Nobody knows what it's like to lose a baby unless they've been through it, and those who have been through it understand!

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband struggling too. It's totally awful. Have you been recommended counselling at all? I haven't had it, but it is helpful for some people if you get the right person, and this particular grief journey is such a long and painful one that it's worth getting all the support you can. On going back to work - I had to go back after 8 weeks (am in the US) but I worked out a system with work where I could work from home two days a week, which made a big difference. Maybe you could do some sort of phased part time return when you're ready?

Hi Ellie and welcome to our thread. In so sorry to hear about your beautiful Anna, life can be so cruel.

I lost my first baby, "F" in Sept 2012 and my rainbow was born in March this year. I bled for 11 weeks after F by which time I had already had the PM results so I didn't have the dilemma you are faced with. In my entirely non expert and zero medical knowledge opinion I would say that as you were full term anything that they find (or not) with the PM is unlikely to impact your care in the first trimester, but like I said, I don't really know what I'm talking about, so you must do what you feel is right for you and your DH.

You and your DH sound the exact opposite of me and mine, I could hardly leave the house and dreaded work, but my DH felt the need to be back at work and "doing something". I think it will help you support each other through the really rough patches.

Really sorry that I'm not managing to keep up with the thread and reply to everyone properly, we are mid house move so things are a bit hectic. I am thinking of everyone though x

Thanks Ducky, I'm sure everything will be fine for you and your baby, I can only imagine how nerve wracking it all is though.

I do worry what people may think if I fell pregnant again quickly but we feel like we need this, suppose it's something positive to focus on. Think we will ttc before results, might discuss it with dh and see how he feels about it, might feel differently once it becomes more 'real'.

I know what you mean about there not really being a safe zone, I was less anxious after my 12 week scan last time round as I'd passed the point where it had all gone wrong before. I feel like next time round I won't have that as I was overdue and in labour. Maybe I'll feel a bit more confident once I speak to the consultant as to what to expect.

I really appreciate the support, even just a couple of posts make all the difference I find a lot if people try to be supportive but come out with some really weird things!

It was scary TTC, luckily it happened quickly for me, although I feel tht because I was pregnant again people kind of forgot about dd, or some made insensitive comments that really weren't needed!

I have been incredibly anxious this pg, most people see after 12 weeks the 'safe zone' but unfortunately us on this thread don't see pregnancy like that. the whole thing is difficult but the people on this thread have been amazing to me over the past few months, I would seriously have struggled with pregnancy if I hadn't joined this thread and I'm sure you will have the same amazing support when you are pg