GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

Very wise words hopon.

Like another poster above I also don't understand why it was necessary or relevant to bring your age into this at all.

You posted this bit:

I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)

When all you really needed to say was this bit:

I am trying for a baby. I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?

That would have given you all the practical advice you needed with no judgement.

You say you didn't come here for life advice, that you are not interested in listening to people's opinions or having to defend your choices. Fair enough.....so why completely unnecessarily provoke people into a making those judgements by furnishing them with all this apparently irrelevant background information?

I don't think you sound especially immature, no more or less than any 18 year old, but the wording of your first post gives you away rather. It is not really the work of a well rounded adult with their head screwed on, I'm afraid. It sounds like the work of a naive, stubborn, idealistic teenager trying to convince everyone they are a mature adult by saying 'look how sensible I am.'

The irony is that it shows us who you really are, (the teenager) and not the person you are trying to portray yourself as (the mature, got-it-all-together adult.)

I am also a bit confused about these jobs and qualifications you have, and the timeframe that all this has happened in.

You are only just 18, you say you started doing AS/A levels and that your exams 'were not good.' So did you switch to the diploma after doing too poorly at AS to continue to A2, or did you switch without finishing AS levels? Aren't diploma courses usually 2 years? If you had some offers from unis that can only have been for this coming academic year due to your age, so surely you are only just finishing sixth form college now like most other 18 years olds?

So how have you managed to do that and fit in a full time job in a bank? You can't have worked there for very long at all, it just doesn't make sense.

Also, I don't know how old your boyfriend is or what he does for a living but that is some seriously good money you are apparently earning between you there. Frankly, it's a bit unbelievable. How long have these amounts actually been coming in for, and are they stable jobs with contracted hours?

Anyway, look....whatever the answers to any of the above, it makes no difference; fact, fiction, fantasy, wishful thinking, massaging or the truth, whatever.

If you've made up your mind you want a baby you will go ahead and have one, no matter what anyone older and wiser tells you, and even if you are actually in the most ridiculously unstable, emotionally dysfunctional, poverty stricken and inappropriate set-up ever because (sadly) that's what many teenagers (and plenty of stupid adults) do all the bloody time. Their primal, biological, selfish urges somehow trample over any tiny bit of common sense they may have and they JUST CAN'T WAIT so they do it anyway. Because apparently, so long as you luv ur bubba wiv all ur heart for ever and ever, everything else will just magically fall into place.

So good luck with that. But be prepared.

Be prepared to probably not be with your baby's father by the time you are 22.

Be prepared to hate his guts in a few years as you struggle as a single mum in a grotty rented house and he leads the life of Riley, making up for lost time and those years of feeling 'trapped' and 'tied down too young.'

And then be prepared to sit back and watch as he settles down and has kids with someone else, and suddenly he can't give your child much money or much attention anymore, because he needs it for his 'wife and family'.

Be prepared to never take that uni place, or to feel completely mentally and emotionally exhausted as you juggle taking your degree with being a single mum.

Be prepared to always be a bit broke and a bit fed up and a bit resentful of other young women your age with their glamorous, carefree, fun filled lives.

Be prepared to go through long periods of loneliness, punctuated by a succession of useless boyfriends because none of them will commit to you and your child, while you watch other women your age travelling the world, having great social lives and then settling down and buying lovely houses with great blokes with good jobs, and having the fairy tale.

And most of all be prepared to feel a bit foolish when you look back and remember this thread. Because all the stuff I've just said there ^ is the harsh reality, for many many women who thought they knew it all at 18, and didn't see the point of waiting for a baby, just like you.

Hindsight truly is a wonderful thing, and the most wonderful thing of all is that you have the opportunity to learn from other people's. But you won't. No-one ever does.

There's something about this thread that puts me in mind of

OP, I don't know if you're for real or not, but 18 is very young to be planning a baby when you don't even live with your partner. SO I'm very pleased you seem to be re-considering on this point. I really don't think you know someone well enough to decide you want to co-parent with them, until you've lived with them.

Have a baby young if that's what you want - plenty do, and it can work out fine even if unplanned. But fgs, if you're planning it have the basics in place. Be living with your partner, (preferable married imo)be financially independent from your parents, as a couple. Work out how you'll cope/make decisions regarding money/childcare/going back to work and so on. The first few years of a child's life do fly by - imagine your baby going to school, being a petulant 5/7/12 yr old/teen. It's not just feeds and nappy changes - this is 24/7 for the next 18yrs+ And babysitters every time you fancy a drink in the pub/meal out/catch a film at the cinema.

The sketch above is very funny - because you really don't know what it's like until you're a parent. Life changes beyond all recognition. I know what wanting a baby feels like - but wanting isn't always enough to make you a good parent in the long run. I married and had first baby at 30, and I am soooo glad I had my carefree 20's now - they are great years.

And if you don't want to sound immature on MN - then don't call posters with years- decades even -more experience of marriage and children, who are giving you sage advice "immature"...

Jael- you know, it's not about age.

It is physically easier having a baby at your age than 10 years later.

I had one of my DCs young and there were advantages.

However you will spend your life up against people like on this thread. People will look at you and your DC and make judgements about you. They will assume your DC was an accident/mistake. They will assume you are in benefits/in a council house/wc.

It's just not the don't thing nowadays to plan a child in your teens.

If you have the job/ house/ relationship sorted though I wouldn't advise against just based on age.

But you aren't cohabiting so I still say your relationship still has to pass this test before you should ttc.

Having read all the posts, I do think, Jael, that you are doing the right thing to ask other mums for insight and advice. Lots of teenage mums have ended up in that situation by complete accident and are utterly unprepared to be parents. You do seem to be in a relatively good position and to have thought about things to a certain extent.

I would still say that you need to live as a couple with your boyfriend for a while before becoming pregnant. I think you have taken this on board so I won't bash on about it.

What I will say is that, for me, I changed a huge amount from when I was 18 to ten years later. I had done a huge amount of different things and learnt a lot about myself and the world. Having a wealth of life experience really helps with dealing with the challenges of being a parent. That's not to say you wouldn't be a good parent now, but it may be harder and more challenging.

My concern for you as a parent Jael, is that you seem to have a very set attitude, and attack others who disagree with your choices.

So how might you react to perceived criticism about:

Cloth/disposable nappies
Bf/ff
Early weaning/weaning
Your child's weight
Your child's diet
The clothes your child wears
The behaviour your child exhibits?

Have you looked into raising a child? Not just a cute immobile baby?

Have you considered more children? Parenting school age children in your early twenties? Have you thought about being a wohp or a sahp, considered childcare?

There is much more to becoming a mum than pregnancy and cute babies, and I just wonder if in all your planning, you have considered that this is not just the rest of your life, but the rest of the child's life?

Do you feel, that you can be the best parent you can be, at this age - that there is nothing you could do/learn which might enrich your child's experience of you as a mum?

try before you buy comes to mind. see if you are both compatible in the bedroom first before trying for a baby...

I personally don't see anything wrong with having a baby at 18. I wish I'd started younger due to health reasons, tbh. It's possible to have your children young and sort out a career later on. I know one mum who has five children and she's 26. She's also a student midwife!! It can be done.

Ok so this young adult would like a baby, I can't offer any more advice on how to do this but I can share a story which I agree isn't the same for everyone but it's a concern of my own.

A midwife relative once told me that 14 is actually the age a woman's body is prime for hosting a baby.
Every year from then your ability decreases.
I decided I would wait, get married, own a home, enjoy myself, travel, at 27 I decided I was 'ready' 3 years later and I fell pregnant with my gorgeous daughter . ( I bled the entire pregnancy and she was under birth weight and has a heart defect.)
Since then I have continued to try for 3 and half years for another, sadly however we have had nothing but 6 miscarriages.

I have been given the title of unexplained infertility? Could it have been partly due to my age and being ever so slightly more sensible? Apparently so.

Now the OP may be at a stage where she mentally feels she is ready, non of us can say how she is feeling they are her feelings to be had just because we all didn't feel like that doesn't make them wrong, or us wrong. The world would be a boring place,
I have met some wonderful mummies very old and very young and they both have made beautiful well rounded children.

In an ideal world yes marriage , house and plenty of money is fab but non of this makes for a better bought up child surely?

Now for you OP if it's what you really want and you can visualise bringing a child up on your own as not saying it will happen but it does ( trust me happened to me as lovely husband left me ) then go for it, they are the most costly, time consuming, patience testing little bundles of love you will ever experience.

Yes because you'll be settled in within a couple of weeks

Wait until the first few bills come in.

And something in your house or flat breaks.

And then you want pregnancy on top of that?

Best of luck to you...

Jael you said you would be looking at flats in plymouth and exeter, now they are rather far apart. Have you spoken to your families regarding this impending pregnancy? What support network do you have if you intend on retur kng to work etc? And are you costing for 1 child or havenyou thought about any subsequent children?
I had my first at 22 then at 25. The two things i wished i had done prior was , get married, so i could get hammered and actually have a honeymoon. The honeymoon went out the window due to kids and secondly and very important, i wish we had bought a house. I really emphasise that one, we have made certain choices that mean we will be in rented for rather a long time and i just want my own home, its because we made yhe decisionthat our funds go towards their schooling. Think about the practicalities. By allmeans have children, but set yourself up first. And i thinkyoull find that older mums may not have so much energy but they are a damn sight wiser and more patient! Coming from a younger mum.

I've got to give you some credit - you have come back and faced the music and it seems you are actually considering some of what has been said. You seem very determined to go ahead with this course of action so best wishes to you. Let's hope when you look back at your life in twenty years that you were right and things turned out as you expected. But life has a way of taking "plans" and turning them upside down.... But hey, it sounds like you have the perfect back up plan in that your family is happy to raise your baby.

It easily takes 6 months to settle into your first home. First time living independently, first time living with a partner etc.

You know you could live there 12 months, be 9 months pregnant and have to leave and find a new place? (and need to have another deposit for your next flat before you get your old one back?)

Etc...

Do you think childish, stubborn and stupid (your words) are the best attributes for a good parent?

Your boyfiend wants to go to the US and you want Paris? Another 'talk' you need to have there i think.

A fantastic time for you right now? You are fresh out of school and still living with your parents. Are you even engaged to your boyfriend or is that another thing you have just 'talked' about?

I have a family member who has been with his partner since both were 14. When they were 18 they started talking about buying a house together and were sure this was what they wanted. So family member's parents very generously paid a deposit and 6 months rent on a flat for them to test out living together before comitting to a mortgage. They lasted 7 weeks together in the flat. Arguments over bills and money, housework and how each was spending free time. Interestingly whilst living at separate homes they both wanted nothing more than to spend every single minute together, then when they actually got that they found that was actually a bit claustrophobic at 18 and both wanted to still socialise with separate friends which caused resentment and rows. The couple gave up the flat and moved back home for another few years, did the partying and travelling thing and then felt ready to settle down around 22 so again rented together.

Jael I know lots of girls your age, I teach in a secondary school.

All of them have different ideas about the future, but the vast majority are looking to 'set themselves up' and realise a few ambitions before settling down.

I had DS 19 months ago (I'm 33). He is amazing (biased). BUT I am eaten up with worry and guilt all the time. Am I doing this right? Will I mess him up? Am I asking too much of my parents if I ask for help? what if he gets ill? Is he eating properly? Whats that rash he's got? It literally never ends.

Be carefree for a couple of years at least. Please. Because your life starts again when you have a LO, and the opportunity to have no worries will never be yours again.

Did you get uni offers with just AS levels?