GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

Thank you deepblue :)

Silly I don't think it's classist to warn her what she'll come up against. She will face stigma, she will be criticised for her choices in person. I doubt she'd be happy if we'd all said "Aww, you sound like a cute couple, go for it!", because that isn't what she'll face a few months down the line when she's pregnant at 18. I don't know a single young mother who hasn't faced criticism for her situation, whether it's planned or unplanned.

Yes, they're great solid mothers. Because they have to be. We have to put on this face in public that we're doing great and finding it easy, because otherwise the world will laugh in our faces and say 'I told you so' - and that's a red rag to a bull when you're 18/19 . Some elements of motherhood, I do find easy. I find it easy to change her and feed her in public, and to make it look like I know what I'm doing. But at night I struggle with the sleepless nights, I struggle with the 3am feeding, I struggle with the constant routine of dirty nappies and washing bottles and not just being able to up and go out at the drop of a hat, and that's the part that no-one sees - but just because no-one sees it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I've spoken to other young mothers who describe exactly the same - but it's so taboo. If I didn't have the relative anonymity of Mumsnet, there's no way I'd be admitting this.

I'm not implying she will not be a good mum, I'm merely stating it's a massive life changing thing to do and there's no going back. It's easy for a young boyfriend to decide it's too much too young and walk away, sadly the young mum doesn't have the same freedom of choice. You can make the decision to have a baby when you're 18 but you don't have to do it immediately, why not make it a plan you work towards over the next couple of years?

Oh dear, just read through some of the posts on here and some of Jael's comments including this one

She's just sat there and told me my relationship won't last. You don't know me or my boyfriend, you can't say that at all haha. Just because that happened to you or someone you know, doesn't mean fa.

The 'haha' and 'fa' sounds just like my 18 year old niece and I know exactly how '18' she is, wilful, rebellious, stubborn, knows it all and can't accept other peoples advice.

Jael maybe you will stay with your boyfriend, maybe you won't, maybe you'll be happy you had a baby at 18 when you're 23, maybe you won't. But...and you can choose ignore this....the chances of you being with your boyfriend when you're 23 are very slim, the chances are you'll love your baby but you'll wish you had waited when you're 23.

I know several girls who had babies at 16/17/18 none of their relationships lasted long once the reality of a screaming, crying baby that needs to be looked after 24 hours a day, every day became a reality with the boyfriends who then realised they missed hanging out with their mates, and missed having money to spend on themselves. You might not like what Hop has written but it's very true. Not one of my friends who was a young mum would do it again at such a young age and all of them wish they had waited and lived life first.

You've got years and years to have children, but once you have a baby there is no going back, why rush? Why don't you wait a year and see how you feel? If you're still with your boyfriend and happy in a year then think again.

We all have only one chance at growing up.
So many of us waste it and I feel so sorry for Jael that she is about to make the same mistake.

moomin, what a lovely,honest, refreshing post. It has made me think.
Motherhood can be hard for all mothers regardless of age, but I do think it is particularly difficult for teenagers. It is a big adjustment for all of us- and I smile when you talk of things being a "military operation", it's not easy and I didn't really enjoy the first 6 months of being a mother tbh.
Yes I loved my baby, cared and cuddled, but the change to my life too some adjustment.
Your post is very thought provoking moomin and you have a gift for words.

Just think Jael, if you hadn't mentioned age at all, you'd have got the info you wanted and no grief.

Nah, her immaturity shines through in her posting style. I he hadnt mentioned her age the first response would have been "how old are you? You seem quite young"

hopon as much as your post terrifies me, it's excellent advice because I can well see how it would happen. DD was born 2 months ago and all I can do is feel thankful that he's a few years older than me, because had he been my age, I think the dirty nappies and lack of sex and the responsibilities he's had to take on throughout pregnancy and in the early days would've made him run a mile. Even with him here, it's so difficult, and yet Jael has it set in her head that it's going to be sooo easy.

Outside of Mumsnet, I haven't admitted to anyone but my mum how difficult and lonely it is - because it makes you sound like you don't love your baby. I adore DD, wouldn't be without her - but it is hard, and it is lonely, and it isn't what I would've chosen my life to be like at 19. I think that's why people think it's easy - because younger mums don't admnit that it's tough, for fear of either being told 'I told you so', or 'You clearly don't love your child then'. So then people like Jael think oh, it's so easy, it's what I want.

As I said on the other thread, I have little interest in travelling, and while I like going out, I don't drink much other than the odd glass of wine or southern comfort & lemonade, not keen on foreign holidays etc - but there's still so many things that you can make the most of before settling down and having a baby. Things like going out somewhere without it being a military operation. Having a tidy house . Living together with your boyfriend and watching a film (or a TV programme!) the whole way through without getting up to get a bottle or change a nappy, being able to go swimming for more than 10 minutes at a time, going to the gym with your boyfriend, being able to go out for lunch without packing 10 billion bottles and nappies and toys.

I could go on and on but I've already done numerous blog posts about the difference a newborn makes to your life, especially when you're young, and I can't be bothered to repeat myself again. Good luck, and I'm sure when you're sitting at home, alone with your baby because your boyfriend's at work, the support has slowly but surely disappeared and you're surrounded with poo and tears and milk (you can disbelieve me now but just you wait), you won't need any support or company from forums like Mumsnet.

Please don't kid yourself into thinking that being young means your body can handle it better. I had a baby at 18 and was put on bed rest from 31 weeks. I then nearly died giving birth. I was perfectly healthy. And get all this "in a few years" crap out your head. It won't happen and if it does it will be ten times harder and ten times more expensive because after you have a baby anything you want to do for yourself revolves completely around childcare. There is no rush. What's one more year to really really think about it. You aren't ready, no first time mum really is but you can be more prepared, if you rush this you will force yourself to be ready, and that doesn't mean you won't be a good mum but it will be unnecessarily hard.

Oh good she's done one !! as fun as that was she was drawing it out a bit telling us all how immature we are made her immature saying it the way she did Oh well people its back to our boring lives doing things half assed because we don't have a clue what were doing and know nothing because were all so old and immature

Jael, the way to deal with people disagreeing with you on an anonymous online forum is to either ignore them, or reply calmly explaining why you disagree.

You have been very defensive and argumentative when there really was no need. You could simply have stated your position and explained (calmly) why people were making wrong assumptions about your current situation. As several people have said, you could have asked all your questions without bringing your age into it, and people would not have been able to question the wisdom of deciding to become a parent at 18.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck in the future. Raising children is a very worthwhile thing to do, but it isn't the only worthwhile thing to do with your life. It sounds like you are turning down some opportunities that may not come around again, and those of us that have more life experience than you are simply saying that your late teens and early 20s are the perfect time to get out there and take some of those opportunities.

It's quite sad - I actually feel sorry for jael. We all know what it is like to be broody- most of us are mothers after all, but to see an 18 year old making such a decision when she could have the world at her feet for years before settling down

I hope the boyfriend stays around, but given his age and the fact that he has already voiced his desire to travel to the US, is looking unlikely.
It won't take more than six months into a new flat, prenthood, dirty nappies, sleepless nights for resentment to creep in of what could have been, for one or both.

I know it can sometimes work and 18 year old mothers are as devoted and caring any any mother but I feel the chances are low.

sorry to be an old cynic.

"I literally cannot be bothered to give any of you a minute more of my time. Thankyou for all the personal messages from people that agree taking me seriously. I haven't lied once. I don't have to explain myself to a bunch of immature parents. I'm sorry but when I have my baby the last thing I will be going to do is sitting online bitching with a bunch of online people. Goodbye"

And you wonder why we think you are immature!

Good luck jael- you will need it. In 6 years time you will cringe if you stumble upon this thread again- by then yo uwill see that the "immature parents" on this thread are actually trying to help you.

Why would they want to come and pour cold water on your plans otherwise? Jealousy? Because they are all nasty?

No- it's because they are speaking the truth and trying to warn you as you are about to make a monumental cock up of your life.

Just think Jael, if you hadn't mentioned age at all, you'd have got the info you wanted and no grief.

You live and learn. Whatever you choose to do, make good choices, look after yourself and your baby, and make sure you have enough money to go it alone if the worst happens. (Would be my advice to women of any age).

(or should that be [groan]?)

It does though jael, because this thread is fuill of wise women who have a lot of life experience, and we all know how it feels to be 18.

You don't know that your relationship will last- none of us do, but the chances are poor when embarking on such a life changing event at 18 when you have no real stability in your relationship.

And hopon is a very wise woman

She certainly is, and that advice should be required reading for anyone in your position.

Don't forget life insurance (work it out to at least cover childcare for the entire childhood & a few years of living expenses, incase surviving spouse has to give up work as a minimum) & wills.

And hopon is a very wise woman.

A midwife relative once told me that 14 is actually the age a woman's body is prime for hosting a baby.
Every year from then your ability decreases.

Sorry, but that it a load of bollocks Dildoos.

If you want pregnancy advice rather than the advice on here OP, why don't you book an appointment with a private midwife, read up on the internet, buy books, speak to someone you know who has had a baby. There are loads of sources of info. You are getting stroppy with people who are giving you really good advice IMO. I stand by my earlier post and agree with the majority of other posters who say that you should wait and enjoy your carefree life. Even if just for another 2/3 years, although I would suggest another 10 really.