Requesting referral to a fertility clinic

Thanks cooper, I shall keep my fingers crossed that you get to join this rollercoaster soon.

I've spoken to my community midwife now, and arranged my booking in appointment, so that's next week on Wednesday. Yay!

In less happy news, I'm struggling today. I know it's a combination of the hormones messing my emotions up, the cyclogest which is probably half responsible for the tiredness and queasiness, and a probably-badly-timed new puppy who isn't quite housetrained, and can't sleep through. But yeah - my head's all over the place right now and I just want to sleep, or cry, or yell at someone. My mother, who I feel I have to add is the most supportive and helpful of people, and who is kindly looking after said new puppy whilst I'm stuck at work, is just driving me up the wall. It's as if she can only say the exact things that are going to trigger my bad mood. I know she doesn't mean it, but as I said, head's totally all over the place.

I can't wait until home time when I can nap and try to regain some sanity.

I definitely believe it now. I have seen a tiny flickering heartbeat on a blurry, black and grey ultrasound scan!

Measuring normal for 7w5d, which is always good. I do have a slightly swollen left ovary, which is a left over thing from the IVF stimms drugs. Scan lady didn't seem too concerned, but did put it in my notes to be passed to the midwife, who I now need to get in touch with and book my Booking Appointment.

The best news is that I can finish off my remaining Cyclogest pessaries and then that'll be it - in a week and a bit I'll be done with the progesterone boost and hopefully a bit less shattered!

Apparently Monday seems to be my weekly update day, even when there's not a lot to be updating.

This time next week I will have had my scan and should hopefully have some irrefutable proof that this is all real. I'm sort of terrified. My most unhelpful thoughts are pointing out all the things that could have gone wrong, or could still go wrong in the next 7 days. It's a rubbish way of coping with anxiety; definitely not one I'd recommend. I'll be fine once a lovely lady with an ultrasound machine tells me it's all ok; just need to hear it from a professional.

Otherwise, not much to add - I survived my cold, am pretty much finished with the sneezing. Symptoms are still at a discreet low; have had very tender nipples; we're at that stage of no-filter, right? Where else I can talk about my nipples with strangers on the internet and it not be weird... I'm tired, and am seeking out junk food/sweets to provide a quick energy boost.

My daily pregnancy calendar thingy told me yesterday that I may be experiencing mood swings and/or irritability. That was definitely right this weekend! A couple of times I found myself between the edge of tears, and wanting to snap at someone. Oh the fun(!)

Apologies to those of you looking for the highlighted posts. I am the worst.

Thanks for the support! I will keep updating this; it really helps to have somewhere to ramble a bit about what's happening/not happening. I've told some people IRL, mostly the people who I see most often and who would have noticed all the extra drugs and the increased fatigue. They've been lovely, but I'm sure there's a limit to what people want to hear about a teeny tiny heart just beginning to form or neural tubes! (Can you tell I've found a day-by-day calendar of pregnancy? It's strangely addictive; checking what's happening on this day.)

I'm getting plenty of fairly gentle cramps, which is apparently normal as things start to stretch and prepare. I'm still tired; but then I was away helping out at a mini festival thing this weekend, and I never sleep very well when I'm camping. By far the biggest of my 'symptoms' is that I'm constantly needing to pee. I read a factoid online which said that in pregnancy you make 45% extra blood volume. No idea how true that is; but that would explain the extra drinking and peeing, and the needing to have a good high iron level.

Uponastarr, I'm glad I've been able to show you one possibility of what a woman with PCOS and no partner/no desire to wait for a partner, can do. Good luck in whatever path you take. I've found I've still got people, both in the know and not, who are saying 'oooh, you should get yourself a man' or making similar comments about my being single. I'm very much over this expectation of doing things the 'normal' way. It didn't happen for me and I'm actually more than happy with the life choices I've made and the direction my life is currently going. I don't find myself wanting a partner, male or female. The only thing that would be nice would be the extra income; but I guess most people, single or couple, would like some extra money each month, so it doesn't strike me as being a big enough reason to compromise my wants, wishes and lifestyle.

This morning was the official test date, so I lined up three tests because apparently I don't believe in doing things by halves!

The official POAS kit from the clinic and the internet cheapie both came back with faint lines, but the last FRER again came back nice and bold.

I called the clinic and got through to answer phone, so rather than babble unintelligibly, I hung up and sent them an e-mail instead. I have now received a call from one of the nurses who's going to sort out another load of the progesterone pessaries which I'll have to take for another 4 weeks; morning and evening. She's also booked me in for a scan at the beginning of July, so I guess I'm on my own until then (not that a scan any earlier would really tell me all that much!) Then after the 8 week point I get handed back to the NHS and my local GP/midwife.

I think I'll believe it all a bit more once I've had the scan and a medical professional has confirmed it. I understand the tests and know they're showing positives, but aside from the tiredness and the slight loss of appetite, I guess I don't yet feel pregnant. I'm sure that will come, and I'll totally regret having said it once I'm sick and aching. The weirdest thing was the nurse telling me on the phone that I'm now 4 weeks pregnant. I find it so weird that they're measuring it back to before the transfer; especially considering that, due to the treatment, I've not had an actual period in ages. There was the withdrawal bleed at the beginning of May, but that wasn't a real period. Anyway - according to the internet, I'm 4w2d; that's a tenth of the way through already! This is based on the EDD that a different online calculator gave me, so am plenty ready for it all to change once people start scanning and measuring!

In the spirit of over-sharing, have attached a pic of this morning's three tests. The clinic one and the cheapie both look even fainter on the pic than they did in real life, but the FRER's super clear.

Holy crap y'all, I think it worked.

I've been looking online at post IVF timelines, just out of curiosity as to what the little embryo should be up to each day. I found this very interesting forum post, which suggested that today, 9dp5dt, would be the earliest HCG could be detected. So I figured, I had a spare FRER hanging around, and more internet cheapie tests than I knew what to do with. There'd be no harm in testing early. Especially as I know Friday's going to be a hectic day, so it almost made sense to sort of ease into the big reveal so as to make it easier to cope with.

I had some small cramps yesterday evening and felt the usual ravenous hunger that comes before AF, so there was a definite hit to my tentative positivity before bed time. All the same, I woke this morning and padded to the bathroom to find the two tests I had left out on the little cabinet thingy. Peed in a pot and dipped each one for the allotted time, then resolutely set a 3 minute timer and read a chapter of a book until it went off and I had to look. The internet cheapie was hard to figure out whether it was a faint line or wishful thinking, but the FRER was a line; bold as brass. (Pictures are on my phone, otherwise I'd've uploaded them for reassurance!)

I don't think it's likely to be anything residual from the trigger - I did an internet cheapie about a week ago and it came up definitely negative, so I was fairly sure the trigger drugs had left my system.

Nothing's official until Friday morning, but it's looking good.

Crap! The above is me. I'm totally regretting this namechange thing.

Hi butterfly, sorry I've not updated much recently. All sort's happened, but I've been posting on Purple's thread under my current MN nickname, BlueKarou, and have neglected this thread.

A quick runthrough of the past fortnight;
I had a scan on Friday 22nd, which showed my follicles were growing, but not as fast as needed to schedule collection, so I went back in for a third scan on the bnk holiday Monday (25th). They initially booked me for another scan the next Wednesday, but by the time I'd got back home I'd received an e-mail with instructions to go ahead with my trigger injection that evening.

Egg collection was Wednesday 27th May. It was the weirdest thing so far. I was all gowned up, and went into the small theatre where they strapped my legs into stirrups and put me under sedation. I woke up 20 or 30 minutes later and it was all done. They got 12 eggs from me. 6 of these went to my recipient, and my 6 got to mingling with my donor sperm.

I got the call the next morning to tell me 3 had fertilised normally, and transfer would be either the Saturday or the following Monday, depending on how things progressed. The Saturday morning's call told me all three were still ok, and to come in on Monday 1st June.

So on Monday 1st I went to the clinic. I learnt one of my 3 embryos had stopped developing, but the other two were good. Would I like to put one or two in? Given my age, they recommended only one, so I went with that, and opted to freeze the second. So it was back into a less comfortable set of stirrups, and they walked me through embryo transfer which was not comfortable (speculums are not fun) and one was put back in.

Which brings me to now. I'm on two Cyclogest pessaries a day (progesterone) which aren't as awful as I was expecting, although they are making me more tired than usual. I'm back to work on Monday, which won't be fun, but was always going to happen. Then Friday is my test day.

Exciting to hear you're also thinking of going it alone. I don't think my PCOS really counts as a serious fertility issue - women with PCOS are able to conceive naturally, it's just harder to time it, or at least that's my understanding. It has been a costly experience thus far, even with the egg sharing (which has helped a LOT!) but I figure it's money I haven't spent on dates and weddings and all that sort of stuff, so whilst I am aware it'd be different if I had a partner, I don't think that's a really big deal.

Good luck with your journey. I wish you all the best.

I've just had a moment of unabashed hope. I know it's a bad idea to get my hopes up; I've told myself this almost on a daily basis. I know it'd be the easiest all round if I set myself up expecting failure. But there was a moment of hope.

Not a big moment - not picking out baby clothes, or looking at furniture. I've done that before, but not since starting down regging. Not since it all became real. But a momentary thinking that, if it all goes to plan, this time in 8 or 9 days (ish) I could have an embryo on board. I could be technically pregnant. In two to three weeks I could be peeing on a stick and proving to myself thart there was the very beginning of a baby. I could be telling my mother in the most severe tones not to tell anyone anything until at the very least the 12 week scan, and knowing that she'd be telling everyone she met, either through work or out walking the dogs in the woods.

I have shoved this hope back into its box and replaced it with cautious realism. Tomorrow's scan will likely go well. After all, not much can really have changed in 48 hours, right? And, looking at the odds and the 23+ follicles, I'm likely to get enough eggs next week so that my donor and I both get a fighting chance. But after that it's hazy. The single vial of sperm I had shipped over from Denmark might not be good enough. There's no certainty of fertilisation, no certainty of blasts forming, let alone growing.

I feel like I should be working out my Plan B; like if I focus on the worst case scenario, then I'll be ready for anything. I can cope with a bad outcome if I know what I have to do next.

But for a moment today I indulged in some foolhardy hope, and it was bloody lovely.