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Any of my dragons there? Can't stop crying

37 replies

Allthequeenshorses · 21/03/2014 21:40

Hello lovely ladies. I know, I know, this is in the wrong place, so move me. But the dragon ladies were all there for me and I don't really know where else to go. Farmers wife, solicitor by day, lonely tonight. Lost bean after ten months ttc two weeks ago today. Have kept going, went straight from hospital to course up North, stayed there two nights, back to hospital and have worked ever since. Tonight I am sad and I just cannot stop crying. Sorry for typos, can barely see the screen. Just wanted to speak to someone. Hope you are all ok. X

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Starbright24 · 22/03/2014 10:16

allthequeens big dragon hugs

Allthequeenshorses · 22/03/2014 10:14

Thank you all so so much. I had a very long night, finally got to bed at around four so heading for a nap this afternoon me thinks!! Finally got a calf with some assistance at around half three. She's fine so that's good news. Yes, court lawyer and very crappy farmers wife. Not really a good mix.

I appreciate all your support and guidance more than you will ever know. It felt a very lonely place to be last night but reading this this morning has really made me smile and given me some hope. Onwards and upwards I suppose.

I hope you all have a lovely day planned. Gonna get this house mucked out and then chill. Catch up later. Xxxx

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EnglishGirlAbroad · 22/03/2014 09:48

Fragle has just about summed it all up in one short paragraph!, I hope today is a better day for you Allthequeens. Allow yourself to just feel what you feel. If you want to talk, talk. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to throw a complete tantrum, do it.
Nothing will take away the fact that you lost this little bean, but one day you will look back and realise that you got through it. You will get a happy ending, yo have to believe that.

Parsley2506 · 22/03/2014 09:47

PS I love your post fraggle. Hear hear to all of that!

Parsley2506 · 22/03/2014 09:45

Hi queen, I hope you're feeling a bit better today. I am so so sorry for your loss, I've also been where you are and nothing takes the pain away except for the old cliche of time and also your own acceptance of what happened, and it not being your fault (or anyone's). Your MIL was very insensitive but I'm sure she didn't mean to be, I find you get all sorts of weird reactions from people who just basically don't know what to do or say so just say the first thing that pops into their head (which is usually the worst thing!).
As English already said up thread, when you're ready to start again please come and join us on the ttc after MC thread, we're a good bunch and you'll get lots of support as you process all the emotions that go along with coping with MC.
For now tho please accept a huge huge hug from me, and I hope you'll be happily and healthily pg again soon.

FragglerockAmpersand · 22/03/2014 08:56

Hey now Allthe, how are you this morning? (Glad my name made you smile - reckon it's roughly my ninth MN name and I'm rather fond of it m'self!)

Look, here's what I've learned in 4.5 years of unsuccessful TTCing, some chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage: whatever you feel, and whatever stage, that's fine. And fuck everyone who says otherwise.

You feel angry one morning? FINE. You're kind of brave by the afternoon? THIS IS OK? You have a couple of days of actually being quite bonny and optimistic? ABSOLUTELY DANDY. Then you have a couple of days of weeping? WHY THE HECK NOT.

The worst thing about my TTC ''''''''''journey''''''' was feeling that I was supposed to second-guess appropriate reactions to things to suit various quarters, be that MN TTC groups or my Mum or DH or my sisters or whatever.

I now, actually, hardly talk to anyone about it, because it's my business, and if my responses to it all veers between no longer giving a shit (believe me, this can actually happen!) to melancholy to rage, well, that's entirely up to me, and I do not apologise.

In short, stop apologising, to yourself or to anyone else, for how you feel or behave at any time. Unless you put a cat in a dustbin or something in which case, you know, the manly punch might get a bit sort of pointed.

Much love for the rest of the day.

Oh, and you're a criminal lawyer AND you deliver calves? I LOVE YOU.

Fergie11 · 22/03/2014 08:34

I'm so sorry about your loss Queen. Sending you big hugs xx

barmybunting · 22/03/2014 08:15

Allthequeens how are you this morning?

I'm so very sorry to hear how you are feeling. You need to cry, and rant, and cry as much as you need to. You have been so brave over the last two weeks to pick up and carry on, but your emotions need to appear somewhere and letting them out is the best way. I wish you didn't have to though, life is horribly unfair sometimes. Please keep talking to us. Never feel you are in the wrong place, we are hear to talk and hand hold whenever it may be.

Sending you a very big dragon hug!

katecupoftea · 22/03/2014 08:10

Allthequeens I can only reiterate what these lovely ladies have said before me. Let it all out, this is a low point and it will get better. Can you and DH do something nice this weekend just the two of you? Ignore MIL, that was very insensitive and don't take any notice. Sending you lots of dragonny hugs this morning and hoping that you feel a bit better after some sleep xxxx

RetroHippy · 22/03/2014 08:02

Flowers coming in late I'm afraid, how are you feeling this morning? It sounds as if you just kept on going and this is your body taking over and making you take time to grieve.

It's ok to cry. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be jealous.

You will get there. And we'll be here to offer a hand, a shoulder or a manly punch along the way

KittyVonCatsington · 22/03/2014 07:21

Early morning dragon hug here too-how are you feeling this morning, queen?

I've coped this cycle by getting 'getting back in the saddle' (hope you don't mind the horse pun) and praying I am one of the lucky ones who is super fertile after an early mc. Others prefer to wait until the feel a little better before trying again. Either way, do whatever you feel comfortable doing.

I did want to mention something my Reflexologist said that made me feel better; "your body is doing all the right things-it is learning what it needs to do and by getting to the fertilisation stage, you body will now recognise what it needs to do the next time, correctly." You will get your baby, my lovely xx

Spotti · 22/03/2014 07:11

Bit late coming to this, but BIG dragon squeeze coming your way! Hoping you're feeling a bit better this morning, but as the others have said, there's no rush - if you need to mourn and cry, then give yourself time to do so. Bottling it up is never a good way to go - been there, done that (not been in the same situation, but done a lot of bottling) and it has taken me the best part of a year to re-learn how to open up and let other people help me.

Also, don't feel guilty or ever apologise for talking to us or asking for help. That's what we're here for! If you need someone to talk to, you know where we are :).

Sending more dragon hugs your way xxx

Nordicmom · 21/03/2014 23:32

Allthequeens one of the dragons here... I feel so sad for you . I'm sorry this has happened . It's all such shit and stupid comments from relatives / friends etc don't help . I wish I could make you feel better . You need time to grieve and to let the anger and sadness out . Please don't bottle things up . I hope you find someone to talk to . Give yourself time . You will one day have your baby . I did after all my losses albeit not the usual way but there she is finally in her bed at age 2 y now nearly 7 y after our hell began . You'll get there . Big hug

Treaclepie19 · 21/03/2014 23:28

Big dragon hug. So sorry to hear of your loss :(

Look after yourself xxx

JonesSchool · 21/03/2014 23:09

So sorry, it seems so sad that so many of us have been where you are. Let it all out, I think crying really helps. Thinking of you and I hope tomorrow is a tiny bit easier! Xx

Allthequeenshorses · 21/03/2014 23:08

My bestest friends are to far away and have enough going on. I am close to my sister in law but she works her on the farm and is relying on me just now for her kids. I don't know I feel awful for bothering you all but just could not take anymore tonight. I honestly have tried to be brave. I went to Glasgow and sat through a whole course on safeguarding children whilst I was losing my own. I have gone into work every day but tonight just seem to have lost it.

I am so scared of what to say and what to do next.

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KittyVonCatsington · 21/03/2014 23:03

I'm probably too late this evening queen-but I will always be here xx There is actually no rhyme nor reason to what happenend and you did nothing wrong. It doesn't make it any less heartbreaking; I understand how much you want to turn back the clock. I hope you had a good cry and now start to feel better. Remember, keep your eye on the prize-your body now knows what to do Thanks

resipsa · 21/03/2014 23:03
Thanks
bellaboo88 · 21/03/2014 23:01

Sending you a big virtual hug, its completely not fair when TTC :-(

Don't listen to mil, how insensitive.

Its OK to grieve...I'm sure as English said girls on Mac thread will direct you to the right place.

Its very lonely, also difficult when you're in a stressful job. Can you talk to a friend in RL? Xx

Allthequeenshorses · 21/03/2014 23:00

Gosh, I am ridiculous, and so humbled. I have now been called to go and sort calving cows night shift. I'm so sorry to all you lovely ladies and I am so grateful to you all. I do not post often but take great comfort to this forum and to you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those who have replied and to you all. I am sorry for hijacking the wrong place and dumping this on you all. X

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MissMrsMummy · 21/03/2014 23:00

So sorry to read this Thanks my thoughts are with you. Hope you soon feel better xoxo

flirty30s · 21/03/2014 22:57

I am so very sorry darling. Cry yourself out, have a glass of wine, open an Easter egg and cry some more. You will feel better tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and saying a special little prayer for you and your little bean xxx

Allthequeenshorses · 21/03/2014 22:54

Aaahhhhhh. Swinging between angry and so upset. I have the most wonderful niece and nephews in the world. And they love me, they really do. But tonight, I feel selfish and cross. I got up at four and went to work, did office stuff, did full criminal court, got home for once, early, ie at six. Then zoomed them to their swimming lesson, just love the bones of them and sat crying silently at the mums with babies all around me. Then tonight since I got in just cannot let it up. And I just think why, why can't I have my baby.

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rambini · 21/03/2014 22:52

A dragon here, but dragon or no dragon I couldn't have read your post and not replied. TTC can be such a lonely experience, even when it is going well, so I can only imagine how difficult and lonely it can be when things go wrong. I am so sorry for your lost bean, no one should underestimate the pain and upset it causes. And you dont need to feel bad for crying, especially on us, this is why we are all here, not just to share in peoples happiness but to support them in their sadness as far as we can too. Treat yourself kindly, and know there are people thinking of you xx

EnglishGirlAbroad · 21/03/2014 22:52

Allthequeens - sending you a big warm dragon hug! I've been where you are and it's truly awful. Allow yourself these wobbles. I promise it will get easier. If you need some support, I'm also on another thread for TTC after a mc and the ladies are awesome, it's the one with the big WARNING in the title. They've all been where you are now.
I really hope you have some support in rl. Tell your mother in law to bugger off with her highly insensitive comments.