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Original poster

Anyone TTC#1 and has mental health issues? (sorry long)

33 replies

crashbandicoot · 12/02/2014 15:17

Hi,

Does anyone here suffer from mental health issues and want join me??? As personally I think there is a need for this as (being an avid reader of the ttc boards since starting to ttc last year (5/6 months)) I have been struck with how resilient/positive/brave/even humourous people come across, whereas I (in the space of 5/6 months) have almost had a complete meltdown.

I think that ttc has stirred up all my old anxieties/fears/depression etc and I feel that I am finding the process even harder than it needs to be. On top of this I read early on that stress and 'trying' is counterproductive which sent me into a tailspin...

To give some context, my background is as follows:

  • Age 34, DH is 50!! (was I looking for a father figure - prob. My dad died 10 years ago)
  • Been together 10 years
  • I spent past 6 years trying to persuade him to ttc (long story about why he didn't want to. He has no other kids however).
  • Previously I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/panic disorder/social phobia/PMDD (severe form of PMT)/also symptoms of OCD.
  • Was on fluoexetine for 8 years quite successfully but came off to ttc/then went on again cos couldn't cope/then back off has got back side effects

And my normal coping skills are no longer available/working:

  • I can't do denial like I would have with something else (e.g. not getting a promotion at work) - i.e. I can't hibernate/stop trying because husband has ED and so there is no chance of 'happy accidents' and so everything has to be 'timed'.
  • I can't go out drinking or stuffing my face with chocolate as that is not conducive to ttc
  • I can't throw money at it particularly (Got acupuncture and massage for a few weeks but at £40 a go it is expensive)
  • Talking therapies don't seem to be helping (I see a mind body therapist and a hypnotherapist)
  • Self help books not helping either
  • Basically nothing is helping!!

My issues seem to be compulsively going round my head: i.e. have I left too late for a trouble free conception/is there an underlying issue with one or both of us?/why wasn't I more assertive with DH and let him delay me for 6 years (this makes me so angry tbh).

My OCD is also coming out and I am addicted to the internet (searching for IVF success rates/costs at clinics) and projecting doom into the future.

I know that all these actions/thoughts at this stage are 'irrational' but believe that my longstanding mental health issues are really at the heart of the issue and that I would love to be able to 'pull my socks up' and be more positive!!

Anyway, enough of the personal backstory/rant...

I just really wanted to know that I'm not alone and that others with MH issues are out there and can empathise/or that we could support one another without being flamed for being negative/irrational??

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 14/02/2014 09:25

Treacle and Spotti Sorry to hear you've both had difficult times but glad that you are focussing on the positive... this is what we must do!!! I also had to drop out of a course as well... thought I was never going to be able to get preg with all the stress. It's kind of left me at a loose end though - not enough else other than TTC to occupy my thoughts.

I'm also totally addicted to the internet... keep reading worst case scenarios.... why do I do this to myself???

Spotti my dog Molly like an emotional support dog know I come to think of it!! She is glued to my lap most of the time and gives great huggles!!! So blessed to have her...

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 13/02/2014 20:12

So sorry to hear of your tough time. I very nearly didn't get through uni, somehow managed it but finding my job a lot to handle while ttc.

Glad your oh is supportive :) My dh is also. Dont know where i would be without him.

Spotti · 13/02/2014 19:29

I was in training...had to take a break from my PGCE (Physics) though due to having a really tough year last year Grandad passed away, mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer, I was told I was depressed (like you really need telling when you feel that rubbish - basically uni got too much for me and had to go. Not sure if I want to go back...currently just enjoying doing things that make me happy - which was my doctors recommendation, but also acts as a 'get out of jail free' card to wriggle out of anything that I don't particularly want to do :p. Pony and doggy and potential foster doggy (police dog puppy or a guide dog puppy) are 'happy' things. TTC is also 'happy', albeit a little stressful! OH is awesome too. Would love to have a baby Spotti to add to my list of happy things...

Treaclepie19 · 13/02/2014 18:45

Thanks crash

spotti amazing! You're not a teacher too are you? Haha.

Spotti · 13/02/2014 15:39

Treacle I swear we are internet twins! I too suffer with anxiety and depression...personally I think it's more likely BPD (borderline personality disorder - kind of a mix of Bipolar and mild Schizophrenia) but the doctors are rubbish and would rather just label me as 'anxiety/depression' and leave it at that...can't really be bothered to hassle them to get a proper diagnosis as, for now at least, I'm managing to manage myself. TTC is pretty stressful and I am making a conscious effort to NOT make a conscious effort when it comes to keeping tabs on everything that's happening (does that even make sense?) because I know that I can be a control freak at the best of times and when things aren't controllable then it makes me stressed! This is my reason for avoiding things like OPKs and ICs - I KNOW I will get obsessed if I go down this route so I'm really hoping that the JSing approach will bring me a BFP before I feel the need to try something else.

Anywho, OH is a superstar, and my pony and doggy help me a lot (Oscar, dog, has been sort of trained by me to act an emotional support dog - he senses when I need cuddles and refuses to budge until I'm feeling better). You lot are helping to keep me sane -or insane, but group insane lol and making me realise that it's not just me who is going through all of his. We are not alone, and that, for me, is really helpful :).

How are you feeling today Crash?

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 13/02/2014 13:43

Hi Naty - thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, it might allay my fears (or make them worse).

Treaclepie - hope you are able to find a way to keep your equilibrium. I went to an anxiety/depression support group last night and that helped as I realised that this is long standing issue and ttc anxiety is just another manifestation of my overall depression/anxiety in general.

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 12/02/2014 18:40

I suffer from anxiety. I am already finding TTC is flaring my anxiety again.

naty1 · 12/02/2014 18:34

Would it be possible to pay for a SA privately (maybe £80ish)