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Original poster

Anyone TTC#1 and has mental health issues? (sorry long)

33 replies

crashbandicoot · 12/02/2014 15:17

Hi,

Does anyone here suffer from mental health issues and want join me??? As personally I think there is a need for this as (being an avid reader of the ttc boards since starting to ttc last year (5/6 months)) I have been struck with how resilient/positive/brave/even humourous people come across, whereas I (in the space of 5/6 months) have almost had a complete meltdown.

I think that ttc has stirred up all my old anxieties/fears/depression etc and I feel that I am finding the process even harder than it needs to be. On top of this I read early on that stress and 'trying' is counterproductive which sent me into a tailspin...

To give some context, my background is as follows:

  • Age 34, DH is 50!! (was I looking for a father figure - prob. My dad died 10 years ago)
  • Been together 10 years
  • I spent past 6 years trying to persuade him to ttc (long story about why he didn't want to. He has no other kids however).
  • Previously I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/panic disorder/social phobia/PMDD (severe form of PMT)/also symptoms of OCD.
  • Was on fluoexetine for 8 years quite successfully but came off to ttc/then went on again cos couldn't cope/then back off has got back side effects

And my normal coping skills are no longer available/working:

  • I can't do denial like I would have with something else (e.g. not getting a promotion at work) - i.e. I can't hibernate/stop trying because husband has ED and so there is no chance of 'happy accidents' and so everything has to be 'timed'.
  • I can't go out drinking or stuffing my face with chocolate as that is not conducive to ttc
  • I can't throw money at it particularly (Got acupuncture and massage for a few weeks but at £40 a go it is expensive)
  • Talking therapies don't seem to be helping (I see a mind body therapist and a hypnotherapist)
  • Self help books not helping either
  • Basically nothing is helping!!

My issues seem to be compulsively going round my head: i.e. have I left too late for a trouble free conception/is there an underlying issue with one or both of us?/why wasn't I more assertive with DH and let him delay me for 6 years (this makes me so angry tbh).

My OCD is also coming out and I am addicted to the internet (searching for IVF success rates/costs at clinics) and projecting doom into the future.

I know that all these actions/thoughts at this stage are 'irrational' but believe that my longstanding mental health issues are really at the heart of the issue and that I would love to be able to 'pull my socks up' and be more positive!!

Anyway, enough of the personal backstory/rant...

I just really wanted to know that I'm not alone and that others with MH issues are out there and can empathise/or that we could support one another without being flamed for being negative/irrational??

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Treaclepie19 · 03/03/2014 22:33

What a lovely post crash
Me and DH have talked all through. He is trying hard as always to be understanding and im trying to use my coping mechanisms.

Didnt want to lose this thread full of support!!!

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 26/02/2014 19:04

Hi JSBNYC and RPopz I'm so glad what I wrote resonated with other people (although I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy of course).

I feel that I am calming down slightly... more into a mild depression than highly alert anxiety... strange how a mild depression (i.e. comfortably numb) can seem like a desirable outcome Confused.

I just wish sometimes that I could escape from it all though... although it is even possible? I was even contemplating renting a storage locker, putting a chair in it and sitting in the dark for a day (although apparently they take a dim view of such things).

Here is another thing that I have struggled with - why would I want to pass on my brain chemistry to an innocent child? It's been a curse to me so far (although hellish childhood has also had an effect no doubt).

Treaclepie I hope you and DP have managed to sort things out. I think it's best not to discuss concerns with them particularly, I've even phoned the Samaritans just to share/offload so that I am not over sharing with DH. Because if he feels under too much pressure then it's unlikely he is going to want to dtd much.

Anyway, I am sitting here typing and feel less alone knowing that you guys are out there somewhere and can understand how painful this all is. I hope it all works out for us... And I know we would will be fantastic, sensitive, thoughtful mothers one day. Smile

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JSBNYC · 25/02/2014 22:05

Just wanted to join this board. I suffer from anxiety, and i think that is why I actually haven't seen AF since Jan 1st. I am also in the process of buying a house. I feel very stressed at the moment and I dont know how to de stress so that my AF might return.

RPopz · 25/02/2014 20:30

Only just seen this (and only recently joined mumsnet) but really feel compelled to reply as I could have written the OP almost word for word....

Suffered from anxiety and depression almost my entire life. Also have some borderline OCD mainly focussed on my house, clean, tidiness etc. I also suspect I have PMDD as the two weeks before my period are hell on earth for me, and everyone around me, seem to be profoundly affected by my own hormones... Haven't taken any antidepressants for a couple of years now as symptoms have been manageable since finishing the last course. However things seem to have taken a nosedive since we started TTC in September.

I didn't want to be a charter or a ovulation obsessive or even have sex everyday... just wanted it to happen "naturally" - not trying, but not not trying as they say. After one month of that it became clear to me that that method was not conducive to my personality!!!

I am almost constantly anxious and on edge about TTC, and hugely paranoid that me and/ OH are infertile and its never going to happen.... Its exhausting. I feel depressed all the time because I'm not pregnant yet. I feel like its so easy for everyone else, EVERYONE's pregnant already, its so unfair for me yada yada yada. I'm just causing myself this unnecessary stress and upset I know. There's no need for it at all.

Other times my brain goes the other way: OMG I don't even want a baby! That is terrifying! I'd be a terrible mother! Etc...

Its so lonely as well isn't it? Who are you supposed to talk to about this shit? I can bearly explain it to myself, never mind anyone else.

And my OH: "ALL THIS NEGATIVITY DOESN'T HELP!" or "JUST RELAX...."

yaRGH.

Spotti · 25/02/2014 20:23

We are proper little internet twins Treacle ;). Wouldn't it be nice if we both got BFPs around the same time? We could have internet twin babies!

I think we'll be fine. If we stick together and help each other out (get the cheer leader pom poms out and keep sharing the Jaffa cakes) then I think we'll be fine. Big hugs xxxxxxxxxx

Treaclepie19 · 25/02/2014 20:15

See, the thought of the baby being here is exciting and I'm not worried about coping with that. I'm worried about my health and labour.

Thanks Spotti :) You too! If you ever need a chat just send me a message :)

Spotti · 25/02/2014 20:10

I keep flitting between feeling fine and happily coping to worrying about 'what will I do if I get pregnant/have the baby and then decide I can't cope?'. At the minute I'm coping the best I've been in months and I know that the fact that I've decided that I'm ready to make a change is a good sign (I'm a natural worrier and change, generally speaking, scares the sh!t out of me) BUT I can't help but worry about 'what happens if I start to worry again?'. It's driving me up the wall as I seem to just go round and round in circles!

My answer for now is to try and ignore my head and keep on with TTC as that was what I had decided I wanted to do, and if I think I'm likely to change my mind then I tell myself that when I do get pregnant, I'll have 9 months to get used to the idea and to prepare myself for the change...by the time baby comes I'll be more than ready. The thought of it actually makes me excited, which again is a good sign for me.

Hope you feel a bit happier soon Treacle. You know where I am if you ever want to chat xxx

Treaclepie19 · 23/02/2014 09:35

Hi again everyone,
Had a horrible night last night. I was being crazy worrying that my spotting wasnt a period and secretly i was pregnant and something was wrong. I know... Thats just part of my health anxiety.
Subsequently, DH has had to deal with more of this than he has for a long time since TTC and rightly is getting a bit stressed with it. However, he said lsst night "if this is how you are before you're even pregnant, how are you gonna cope when you actually are and theres something to worry about?"

Now obviously this has already been on my mind and although he took it back, I know its a concern. My problem is, i dont know the answer. I do know im at the best stage of coping ive ever been... And that I really want children.

Sorry its long, just needed to tell someone.

alizeeod · 19/02/2014 16:30

Thanks, Weegiemum for your kind and positive message :-) xxx

Weegiemum · 19/02/2014 14:13

I saw this just thought I'd pop in. Not ttc - I'm actually through the menopause and have a teenager and 2 slightly younger.

I was off previous meds when I had dd1 but was back on sertraline 10 days after she was born. I took it and bf and then had 2 pregnancies on it with bf afterwards.

Hanging mh issues really doesn't stop you having dc, and I wish you the very best xx

Lindalove · 19/02/2014 14:08

Hey there. I've just turned 38 and finally feel mentally ready to TTC. I have had agoraphobia and panic disorder for most of my life and now take Sertraline which I am sticking on during pregnancy as would prefer to be less anxious for the sake of everyone including any potential baby.

Generally though I find I deal with day to day stresses best my using mindfulness. Its using meditation techniques without any reference to Buddhism. Anyway check this out and have a look. bemindful.co.uk/

You can go on mindfulness courses or a cheap way is to buy a book such as this and read it/listen to the CD/audio www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness-ebook/dp/B007T9FZRS/

Excellent stuff that helps you to be in the moment and realise your thoughts, whatever they are, aren't YOU they are thoughts so you don't have to always react to them. If I manage to get pregnant, I will certainly be teaching my baby about being mindful as my agoraphobia is in part genetic so would like to give them coping skills early on should they have the same issues as me.

alizeeod · 19/02/2014 07:39

Hi ladies!
Forgot to mention that my GP said there were special services for moms to be or moms who suffer from depression and other mental health problems. It's free on the NHS so it might be worth asking your own GP!

DoctorDonnaNoble · 18/02/2014 10:30

I'd recommend a Hatton Academy class if there's any near you. It's brilliant cardio, and you can end up feeling so much better.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 18/02/2014 10:26

Wow... boxing does sound great!!

Need to try it...

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DoctorDonnaNoble · 17/02/2014 13:38

I do like a good cry - but I can cry at absolutely anything!
I went to my Hatton Academy Boxing class for the first time since November (it was the first exercise class to go due the risk of getting punched in the stomach by accident!) and it was bloody marvellous. The lady who takes the class, who used to PT me, had to partner me and said I was punching much harder than usual :D

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/02/2014 11:34

Doctor So sorry to hear about your MMC and your subsequent depression. Have you found anything you can do to help you deal with AF arriving that doesn't involve smoking and drinking?

Maybe crying/bath/nice meal/chocolate is the best we can do?

Incidentally prozac stops me from crying which I think is a bad thing because apparently crying releases oxytocin which is self healing hormone... Crying (in moderation) is good I think...

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Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/02/2014 11:27

Hi lolly, alizeeod and Doctor, glad you would like to join.. I am more happy to keep this thread going to help our respective sanity Smile TTC 'should' be such a positive, forward looking thing but it's so hard when old demons appear (eg depression, anxiety, OCD).

alizeeod I think your GP is right - I wouldn't recommend changing medication at this point as it add an extra emotional stress at a time when it's not helpful. I wouldn't have come off prozac if it hadn't been giving me palpitations 24/7.

Doctor I know what you mean about the pill. I suffer from PMDD (severe PMT) and the pill helped. But I have since spoken to a nutritionist who says that PMT/PMDD may be because of excess estrogen in my system and I should tackle this through diet instead. I'm still to see her, but that's the plan. Apparently diet is important when ttc anyway. I am also having a hormone test to see what my estrogen levels are and also an adrenalin/cortisol test to confirm how stressed I am... (should be interesting!)

lolly most of the women I know have eventually got the same figure (or better) than before they gave birth... hoping that's the case but I don't actually care about my figure all that much tbh. I just want my body to "work" (i.e. be healthy enough to conceive and carry a child).

Anyway, I will fill you in on the OCD book I'm reading, it think there could be some useful strategies in it.

Hope Monday goes ok everyone Smile.

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lollydollydrop · 16/02/2014 18:39

I have a long (10 year, I'm 28) history of eating disorders (and associated depression/anxiety) so I am duly petrified of ever being pregnant and having a child and all that goes with it in terms of impact on routine, exercise, diet etc.

I started years ago saving money so that I could have a tummy tuck afterwards if I have kids..

My periods stopped for 4 years when I first became sick, then they came back so I don't think I have done lasting damage- I hope

alizeeod · 16/02/2014 18:05

We could support eachother and go through this journey together on this thread?
I haven't actually started TTC. I don't want to stop my pill mid-pack and so have to wait another 10 days, then have my bleed and wait for my natural cycle to return.
Also I started taking the pill for acne which was ruining my life and I'm scared coming off it will mean my acne returning and struggling with self esteem issues but having a baby is more important right now.
Good luck ladies. Hugs!
Any of you STAYING on antidepressants through your pregnancy? I am planning on it, am on Citalopram 20mg and GP seems to think its fine in pregnancy x

DoctorDonnaNoble · 16/02/2014 16:05

Can I join in too. I've had to admit that it's difficult for me. After years of thinking I was ok and dealing (used to self-harm). I was all proud of myself for not cutting but since realised that after a BFN drinking until I cry and smoking was also self-harm :(
It's particularly difficult as one of the things I did to address my depression years ago was go on the pill - which moderated it a little.
I had a MMC in December and it really threw me and pushed me back a bit. Oh well, AF is here now so I'm running through the depression instead and hoping for the best for next month!

alizeeod · 16/02/2014 15:58

You too. Let me know how you get on. I'll be following this post! X

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 16/02/2014 14:57

mutual support sounds great Smile i have just started reading a book about OCD as i think my obsessive thinking is now bordering on it. hopefully some self knowledge of how to treat this will help.

take care and hope you all have a relaxing sunday.x

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alizeeod · 16/02/2014 12:36

Hey just about to start ttc1 and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm 27. I attempted suicide last year and spent 48 hours on a ward but doing much better thanks to antidepressants, seeing a therapist and having an amazingly supportive dp!
I feel a pregnancy could be tough for me emotionally but I really want children and it'll all be worth it in the end.
Good luck with it all. Happy to be in contact throughout for mutual support. X

Treaclepie19 · 15/02/2014 23:47

I'm the same... Worrying already about ectopic pregnany before even getting a bfp. Im worried i wont cope with it...

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 14/02/2014 09:26

apologies for typos - brain not working this morning...

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