How do you stay positive month after month?

Sorry to hear that your OH was upset Anna. Mine isn't, well, not that he lets on - more just a bit confused about the whole thing!

Thank you for the sympathy Bear; it's certainly hard to stay positive in the face of all the smug statistics like the 90% one! The way my GP put it was that both myself and the OH would have further tests to rule out any biological issues, then if it seems like everything is ok in that direction, we'd get some help to bring sperm + egg together mechanically. I think my OH would like that, it's non-technical enough for him! Just have to talk him into going for another sperm test now.....

Autumn, sorry to hear about your feelings and I hope that you (and of course everyone else on here!) gets their BFP soon. Strangely enough I always thought I would be a mother, it wasn't until we started TTC that I suddenly began to worry about it, so maybe that has been counter productive?! Either way, I'm off to read my Marisa Peer book again to give myself some positive thoughts..... can't hurt!

I do wonder if this month I had a very early miscarriage rather than an early AF, for various reasons including it being very painful, but in a different way to the usual. I'll never know either way I guess but hopefully next month we will be luckier now the stress of moving is over

Hello, just dropping in to offer my sympathies. It's bloody awful this Ttc malarkey. I have no wise words but as DH and I have been going for 28 cycles now, you can imagine I'm a bit jaded at times.

DH has sperm issues and we've been referred for IVF. Tbh it's hard but I got past a point earlier this year when I felt like I'll just have to take each day and week as it comes otherwise I'd go mad.

It is all fine, apart from other people. That's where most if my stress comes from. People can be so insensitive, rude and assumptive. I don't entertain conversations about babies with pretty much anyone apart from DH and medical professionals now. I cut conversations short and escape most things child related as it's too painful. Self-oreservation is key for me.

Last weekend we saw some friends all who have children now and we were the only childless couple. Came home after and DH started crying which just broke my heart, but then you have to pick yourself up again and carry on. I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle.

It's tough but don't lose hope. NHS guidelines say 90% of couples will be pregnant in two years. I'm just unlucky that we're not in that percentage. Good luck everyone!

Hello ladies,

I hope it is ok for me to post here as I am really in need of some reassurance/advice.

To give some background about us, DH and I are in our 20's and have been ttc #1 since our wedding in July so currently on cycle 5.

Now I know that 5 months is not long particularly when I read some of the stories already on this thread, however the issue is that I (like another poster described) had that gut feeling that something was wrong/we'd struggle to have children etc so persuaded my DH to have a sperm test which came back borderline. Both the count and motility were slightly below normal although everything else was fine.

The only thing of note in relation to DH is that he has been taking sertraline (antidepressant) and from some frantic googling I've seen some reports that it can affect male fertility, although those results came from really small studies.

As far as I'm concerned, well my periods are slightly irregular - usually have a 30-35 day cycle - I assume I'm ovulating from looking for EWCM but don't use OPKs currently.

If you are still with me at this point then thank you. My question about all this is whether anyone has any thoughts about our chances of a natural conception? I am trying really hard to tell myself that it will happen and that it only takes one little swimmer but in my darker moments I convince myself that we will never have a baby to hold!!

I hope this all makes sense and any advice or reassurance would be hugely appreciated

X

Thank you Ruby
Yes, I'm OVing on Christmas Eve so implantation wouldn't happen till at least NY. We are waiting on test results in Jan, six feckin vials the vampire midwife took!! Only one from DP. Been advised to not TTC until then but I wouldn't even be late and testing until Jan anyway. May have sticky blood but I am 42 so possibly chromosomal.

Yes 2014 is our year.

fackinell - so sorry to hear about your babies. I wish you lots of luck with TTC in the New Year, and I hope Christmas falls in the first two weeks so you can enjoy eating and drinking all you want!

Anna - wine!!! I would love a glass, hopefully will have some very soon!! Just finished my cleaning, flat is ready to be handed back to the landlord tomorrow. I am thoroughly exhausted BUT inspired by your words - we will indeed have a healthy start to 2014!

No 'maybe's though - 2014 WILL be our year xx

I've lost two babies in two years, it is hard TTC. My second took a year to conceive. I see my period as the start of a cycle (it is anyway) and not the end, that helps a lot and makes me feel more positive. TBH I just try not to think about it and for the first two weeks eat and drink all that I'm not allowed when pregnant. The next two are always cautiously hopeful but I don't allow myself to dwell. Plan something big, like a holiday. That's when I get PG, the one month I hope it's not that one!

Hi Anna, I agree, sometimes staying away can also be beneficial!! I don't post very often but at least it's nice to feel that you're not on your own :)

I'm on CD2 of a really horrible AF, starting very slowly so will probably last for ages with a couple of very heavy, painful days (sorry if TMI!) but I think it's due to stress, crap diet and more stress. I've just been to the library to get my Zita West book and straight away she's talking about the importance of a good diet, regular exercise, less stress etc. I read this whilst eating my pasty from Greggs and looking at all the boxes I still need to pack..... Zita has clearly never moved house just before Christmas!!

You're right, your poor friend must be really upset; I keep thinking that I know two couples who had babies unexpectedly in October, so this time last year they had no idea they'd have a baby by Christmas. (They did want the babies, by the way, just had had problems TTC!). That's helping me a bit, but mainly I am a big, grumpy, stressful monster. Oh and fat, the diet starts Boxing Day :(

Sorry, I did think I'd cheer you up a bit, but just read that back and it's not exactly positive! Sending you some Christmas hugs though :)

Good idea passing idea of tests off as his own. Tends to work for me too :)

How is everyone else? Anna? Feeling? Mittens? Shoegal?

Glad you are feeling better! As we all know on here, the TTC can feel like a long, hard slog especially when you feel like you're doing all you can. I too would have loved to be PG by Christmas, but don't think it will happen; that also gives me no excuse for not starting a healthy eating & exercise plan in January!! I'd like to lose a stone or so, I'm just overweight for my height but not by very much, so it's not like that's a reason for things not happening.....

Men are odd aren't they?! My OH would love kids, absolutely love them, but when I say "it would be sensible for you to have a sperm test JUST IN CASE there's an issue" - he won't do it. Grrrrrr. I've tried explaining that it would be better to learn about it sooner rather than later and that IF there is an issue, we can get help anyway, but I think I'll have to be a bit more cunning and work out how he can put the idea forward as if it's his own. He's far more likely to co-operate then ;)

Mulled wine, cracking idea! Enjoy!! xx

Hi Ruby,

thanks for posting, was wondering whether I had upset people...
I am feeling better, I think. I am now back home after 4 weeks away so the TTC can start again but I got back too late for this cycle to be the lucky one. There go my dreams of being pregnant by Christmas.

I understand that you're wondering whether your OH might be a contributing factor. I have been trying to plead speak to my boyfriend about this, too after searching the internet and freaking out about being 'diagnosed' with a 20% of falling pregnant within a year. I sneakily send my boyfriend links about crazy things that families do like this one: theberry.com/2013/11/19/parents-convince-their-kids-that-dinosaurs-come-to-life-at-night-8-photos/ (which you have probably seen). The idea is that he realises life is not over once there is a baby in the mix, which is his current mantra. He is very a bit scared, I think, and wants to have everything ready in our new house which makes for very stressful weekends. But I guess I need to stay calm and mindful and compassionate. Fingers crossed for Christmas.

Hope your OH agrees to some tests. laravh mentioned Boots tests for men, other people on MN said they only measure quantity not quality - so might be a temporary solution to provide peace of mind but if things are not so positive you might have to go for more extensive tests later on... So, yes, keep calm. As my mum would say let his remarks go in one ear and out the other (not sure this translates very well). In the meantime, I am keeping fingers crossed that this may have been your month after all. There are another 4 days to hope, right?

Hope the Christmas preparations are in full swing. As we can't get pregnant this cycle, at least I am enjoying the mulled wine :)

Hi Beijaflor, I hope you are feeling a bit better now? And of course I hope that everyone else is too :)

I am CD21 today and somehow don't think that this has been our month, despite all the positive thinking - sigh. Mind you, this is based on my assumption that if I was PG then I would just know(?!) so I could of course be completely wrong! Went out for dinner the other night and there was a couple there who are expecting their first baby in March after 3 years of TTC, which is inspiring. I don't know them very well so couldn't ask them if they'd had any tests etc, but they are very happy indeed.

After my last trip to the doctors I'm starting to worry that the issue is with my OH and not me - not that there necessarily IS an issue, but everything seems ok from my side and apparently 40% of fertility issues are from the male side, therefore I do wonder! Part of my positive thinking talks with him are to (sneakily) make him think about how nice it will be when we DO have a family; if we have to have tests/ further investigations/ go down the IVF or similar route, then with any luck it will make him more receptive to everything, if he just sees it as a means to an end.

I will keep thinking positively in the meantime, and try not to shout at OH if he comes out with his irritating "what will be, will be" phrase!!

Here i am again, sorry for being awol. Thanks for the lovely words Ruby and AnnaKissed. I am feeling a bit better, I have to, to be honest because I have a tendency to be be fearful and hide and that affects everything.

Anna, I am also a bit ambivalent about the whole positive thinking attitude but this is also because I think, that, in recent years, too much blame has been put on individuals (and often enough women) for not having the right attitude. I should probably have a look at the book before I judge it, though. To me, a more positive attitude means being more compassionate with myself. So, that is what gets me through the dark moments. So, Anna, in my light moments, I try to remind myself that it is ok to be frustrated, sad, desperate, fearful and all of these things, I try to accept it and then it is not quite so hard to bear. And then it passes. (As this month's down time has passed).

Ruby, did you put the high CBFM to good use? (I don't even know what that means as I haven't kept up with all the abbreviations on here). I hope the positive thinking on your and your husband's part hangs on for a while. (Sorry if I'm not making much sense, I've hardly spoken English for the last 3 weeks and it isn't my first language anyway, so things might come out a bit jumbled up.) I can also understand the issue about different mindsets. The boyfriend has realised that maybe, after all, it is time to say goodbye to wild parties and settle down. He feels like his friends are leaving him behind, so maybe there will be a little bit more conviction in the baby project. He has so far always claimed that he is lucky in everything he does and this should therefore apply to conception too and this hasn't proved to be the case.

But he's agreed to a plan: I'll be stopping by at a drugstore to get all the equipment (ovulation kits, sperm test kits, all kinds of kits - so thanks laravh for the tip) and I've got an appointment with a doctor I trust, so that makes me feel a bit better.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to all who is writing here. Sending you all lots of sunshine and the sound of the sea.

Thank you laravh for the support :)

How are you feeling now Beijaflor? I hope if nothing else, this thread has shown you that you're not alone in how you feel - I was so frustrated about the whole situation and didn't feel like there was anyone in RL that I could talk to about it. MN has been fab in showing me that there are kind, helpful people out there in the same boat.

I've been working on my Marisa Peer book, and I have to say Shoegal, I think it's helped - thanks for the recommendation! Yesterday the OH and I had a (light hearted!) argument about names (he's never picking any, poor kids!!), and we had a really good chat about it this morning. He said that after his last girlfriend lying to him about them being TTC for 5 years, he'd got to the stage where his thought was "what will be will be". I've been trying to make him understand that that mindset was useful originally, but now our way of thinking should be: we both want kids and it's more than likely we can have them - so try thinking about it that way instead! Which seems to have made him more positive about it all.

Oh and bizarrely, my CBFM showed a 'High' today at CD9 - last month it was CD14, the month before that it was CD12 - so either Marisa is working her magic, or it's all the vitamin B6 I've been guzzling!!

Hi ladies,
Just thought I'd put this out there as a few of you are talking about sperm checks for your OH's. Boots (in England) have just started doing an at home sperm checker. Might help if your OH is reluctant to see a doctor...
Thoughts are with you all, can't really offer any other advice. Sending you all love and luck x

Hi can I join?? Big hugs to everyone! We've been ttc dc213 months now dc1 conceived very easily! So frustrating! I have my 21 day bloods next week, still been Dtd trying to conceive this month but does seem a but pointless! Weirdly I don't find af to bad almost a relief as I've convinced myself it's not going to happen but can feel my hopes getting up and do endless pg tests and when the witch comes at least it's over iyswim anyway, good luck ladies hope it works out for us all soon!!!

LOL Anna the book is interesting, and I do agree that it's more productive to have a positive mental attitude, but I can't help thinking that all the positive thinking in the world won't do me much good if there's medical reasons why we couldn't have a baby!

Sorry Beijaflor, I forgot to reply to that bit of your post, but I agree with Anna - I proceed as though I won't be pregnant on the grounds that if (er, when!) I'm PG I won't mind missing out on stuff

Hi Beijaflor - just wanted to say welcome , you are in the right place for support!! I was so disappointed when AF arrived last Friday, I must have been a grumpy cow all day at work, but better that than sobbing I thought!

I'm 36 and whilst not in exactly the same position - I wasn't sure until I met my current OH two years ago that I DID want children - I'm upset every time I hear about another friend with a baby now, as we've been TTC for nine months. It feels very unfair doesn't it? Some people don't seem bothered at all about their kids, whereas we would love a baby, it would be so cherished.

Sending you big hugs anyway, please stay around to let us know how you get on. I've hardly told anyone that we are TTC, only one friend who got pregnant first month she tried (at 38!) who now can't understand why it's taking us so long - grrrrr.....

Mittens - sorry to hear your story too. Is there nothing else the doctor can suggest short of you paying for IVF privately?

I'm now 33% of the way through the Marisa Peer book, Shoegal (or so my ancient Kindle tells me!) and it's interesting isn't it? Part of me thinks positive thinking can never be a bad thing, but the (cynical) part of me thinks that if we don't succeed in getting a BFP, Marisa will be able to say that we weren't positive enough - hmmmm!

Hi there,
sorry for intruding. Just wanted to express my sympathy with all of you who are trying for a baby. I can completely empathise with a lot of what has been said and will try to take lifes and chosen's idea of focusing on something positive on board.

I do get sucked into monitoring things so maybe focusing a little more on work and getting back to fitness might be a good idea.

We are trying for #1, only 3rd cycle, really, but I guess the issue is that I have been trying for the last 6 months and my boyfriend only for the last 2 months. To explain, we have been together for 18 months but I have wanted a family for such a long time and when we got together I told him straight away that the plan was to get pregnant within 2 years. So I needed him to be aware of that (and agree with it) not to waste any of our time. So, to me, it feels like I've been trying for the last 18 months because I knew this one would have to be it.

Anyway, I can't keep things to myself and given that my mother has pointed out my approaching end of shelf life (I'm 35) for the last 5 years and kept asking about a baby pretty much every phone call from the beginning of the year, I told her that we're trying but nothing's been happening. And I told my best friend whose pregnancy threw me into a depression (rather selfish, I know but we worked it out as she is the bestest), so I do have people to talk to but, of course, they have no idea what it is like. My boyfriend has even told his colleagues at work which i found difficult given that his work environment is so incredibly competitive and steeped in macho attitudes.

So, I've been reading pages like this now and then but have been trying not to read too much about other people's seemingly effortless pregnancy stories. But today my period arrived and as it is early it will mean that the next cycle is written off too as I am away from home for another 2 1/2 weeks. And at the same time, there are at least two more friends with pregnancy news and several more with newborns around.

My question though, apart from the ups and downs, how do you manage to keep the TTC from dominating every aspect of your life? What about planning holidays? Long-term projects at work? Commitment to sports teams which would not work once pregnant etc.?

I do admire everyone who can stay positive and totally understand the downs and probably will treat myself to Hunger Games and a glass of wine tonight in response to stupid period.

We have been TTC dc2 for 14 months.
I had a hunch that something was wrong, in fact I feel quite strongly that we won't have anymore children. We conceived ds the first month of trying so there was no reason to feel like this really but as soon as I had him I said dh we won't have anymore. Sadly it looks like I was right.
We went and had tests after three months TTC as I was so convinced there would be a problem and sure enough dh has extreme male factor infertility. A reasonable count but basically no viable sperm. Ds was some sort of miracle it appears. We have bee told our chances of natural conception are nil. We will need Ivf plus icsi if we are to have any hope of having another child.

I'm still in two minds although we have started down that path and the reason I'm in two minds is because if that "feeling." I feel like it's been proved right so far, if we spend £21k on icsi (three cycles) are we likely to be successful? And I think probably not. I'm trying to reconcile myself to no ore children but it's hard. I volunteer and a lot of the families I see have several children and tbh aren't doing the best job. I find it really hard when I find out a mother who has abused her other children is pregnant AGAIN. There is no justice when it comes to TTC unfortunately.

Thanks Shoegal, you're a star perhaps the Kindle edition would be better anyway so my OH can't be nosy at what I'm reading!!

Sigh..... I definitely think OH needs to have his sperm test done, but he's very reluctant. I've tried to explain that it's more to rule that out as an issue rather than 'blaming' anyone, but I think he's worried in case there IS an issue. The last one he had done said his sperm count was average; at the time he was trying for kids with his last girlfriend, and unfortunately she lied to him about it for several years and was on the Pill the whole time so now his attitude is "what will be will be" - this is very bloody irritating when you're trying to talk to him about tests, believe you me......

Anyhow, I had my CD4 blood test done again today so will probably have a cracking bruise from that later! Perhaps he'll agree to do his test as at least it'll be more enjoyable than any I have to have?!

Thanks guys. I'm feeling better today. I've decided if I get my bfp soon then it will actually be nice to be pregnant and have kids the same age range.

Ruby there aren't any pics or charts so you won't miss out on anything. It's all text based. There is a script for you to read daily and to help with your visualisation.

Oh by the way Anna I am around the same weight as you and Ruby. I asked both the doc and gynecologist if my weight was impacting conception and they both said no.

Finally Ruby it would be helpful if you can get your partners sperm test done. We were so nervous before DH got his and assumed the worst and were relieved when they came back clear. If there is an issue at least you can address it.
Also if you have to see your GP after 1 year (fingers crossed you don't) the GP won't do anything until they have your partners results. My DH got tested at 9 months but told his GP we had been trying for over a year and got an appointment very quickly. The tests got sent to our local hospital which took a couple of weeks to send the results.