I'm ready for a flaming but just spent the last few hours sobbing and I need to talk.

this thread is ridiculous and an insult to women who have been raped!

It sounds excessively rough though.

I quite agree raraz, the OP herself has said she wasn't raped, some people seem to be trying to convince her she has when at no point were there any indications she didn't consent. Feeling used after the event is unfortunate but quite likely considering their arrangement.

With regard to consent - no venom here and I have read the We Believe You page - how is a man with whom a woman is not in a relationship and with whom he has little or no emotional connection supposed to no that she has withdrawn her consent to sexual activity if she makes no attempt through either speech or body language to let him know? Cases where she is too scare to are clearly different, but if there is no such issue and the woman does not tell the man...how is he supposed to know???

Hi International, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope you are getting on alright. Please take care of yourself.

Fifi-
I could no agree more

international, you say you were tested last April and were found to be healthy? Was he tested?

Ah - do you have children? You stop loving them when they have temper tantrums?

Thought not.

edward

enjoy temper tantrums!

I never said she was and it is just more depressing that she isn't unique. Doesn't make it right because many people are doing it.

An actual human being born through crap sex to a couple who barely seem to like each other never mind love and where one party doesn't appear to want a baby.

she's hardly unique in that.

I feel the OP would be better seeking out sperm donation either through a trusted friend or anonymously via a clinic but truth be told, the above applies to so many children born to so many couples - or singles, as the case may be. So what are we to do?

I feel what we shouldn't do, for starters, is start making lists of reasons why it's OK to have a child and lists why it isn't!

You know something, because they are both using each other does not make this okay. There could be a baby coming through all this. An actual human being born through crap sex to a couple who barely seem to like each other never mind love and where one party doesn't appear to want a baby.

Yes why do you have a child then?

you do not have a child in order to have someone to love you back

Really? Because the ONLY reason we have decided we want a child is to have someone to love and to love us in return.

We aren't having a child so we can be proud of his achievements, or so others can admire his beauty, strength or wit. Obviously if he (or she) has those qualities that would be fantastic, but for the child, not for us.

Love is the only motivation for having a child that counts as far as I can see. And much as I love animals I feel to compare a baby to a dog or a cat is grossly insulting.

^That

ThoraNomiki, thank you for your beautifully written post. Everything I wanted to express, only in a cogent eloquent way.

I wasn't going to come back to this thread after all the feminist-bashing and rape myths started (call me weak but I'm having a crap time and don't need the agro).
I just wanted to point out that the first person to use the word 'rape' was JuicyFatSteak up until then people were using terms like 'forced himself on' and 'horrible sex'. I think people were treading carefully (including myself) as it really should be up to the person who experiences something to decide whether they felt raped or not. In this case the OP has since made it very clear that she did not feel raped.
I am happy to accept the OP's feeling on that subject for her own individual experience.
What pissed me off is other people wading in deciding to tell the OP that she was not raped, based on a few lines in the OP, before she had even come back to clarify for herself.
There are people who might experience a similar situation to the OP (and may read threads like these) who do feel that they were raped/sexually assaulted. They might be discouraged from seeking help after reading some of the replies on here.
I don't think that people have to keep saying yes every time position or act of sex is changed but that a partner should be making sure, in other ways that their sexual partner is happy and equally continuing to enjoy things. Bad sex is not rape. Aggressive sex without consent (ie, when a partner has not given clear signals that that is what they like) could be considered rape but only the recipient should have the right to decide that.

Being aware of rape myths and trying to dispel them is not man-bashing. I personally really like a lot of men. I have a few in my life that I love and one that I am very much in love with. I don't think it hinders decent men, in any way, to encourage them not to engage in rough sex with a woman without first finding out if it was something she might like.

Ps. (and I still think it's irrelevant to this particular thread) I would hate for one of the men in my life to be tricked into fathering a child against his will but any man who feels so strongly about not becoming a father should do his best to prevent it. International for your own sake and for that of your hopefully-as-yet un-conceived child and the one you already have, please consider other options for conceiving a child. Children born as a result of sperm donation may have the right to seek out their biological fathers in the future...

If I understand the situation correctly, you are both using each other. But he sounds a horrible person and had no right to behave the way he did. So have no more to do with him ever and try to put this behind you. And think very carefully before entering another relationship. Get to know the person first and find out if he is kind and caring first before anything else happens.

International, I hope you are doing better. You have the right to decide who and what enters your body.

Dear Rowan, thank you very much. Difficult to understand how many posters seem to think compassion for rape survivors is reserved for only for people with approved life styles.

Thank you Rowan