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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

The Genuine BESH Palais. To misquote Carlsberg, we're probably the barrenest TTC-ers in the world...

984 replies

HesterShaw · 19/04/2013 22:18

We are Barren. We are Evil, on account of having left procreating until our 30s. We are Selfish, thinking only of careers and money and cars and holidays. And lastly, we are Hags. Welcome to the BESH gin palace. Babydusters and instadiffers need not apply.

OP posts:
evilgiraffe · 09/05/2013 11:13

I've got my tickets booked for tomorrow, Twink Grin

TWinklyLittleStar · 09/05/2013 11:04

norks you really do make me Grin I'm so pleased for you.

In other happy news - it's Star Trek day!

Nokkie73 · 09/05/2013 10:53

cap'n what a wonderfully energetic shake about ! My favourite so far. Thank you. Here, have a Jane Austen bonnet, some breeches and a dollop of mackerel page for your efforts.

donks four and a half years ttc, MC six months in and nothing since so decided to go for ivf before I was carted off to the nuthouse. Failed round of ivf in March 2013. Since my failed round my body has been all over the place so I really didn't think I could be. I had convinced myself that I ovulated in early April and that we dtd in time, but then had what I thought were two periods in a week, hence my surprise. Next time Harry Potter the Fertility Consultant asks you a dumbass question, you should tell him that you do know Percy Penis goes in and out of Virginia Vagina until those two naughty boys, Ernest Ejaculation and Stephen Sperm, pay a visit. Stephen then goes on a wonderful adventure and travels through the magical tube to see Enid Egg.

Ffs, did he really ask you that ?!

DolomitesDonkey · 09/05/2013 07:33

noks I'm afraid I don't know your back-story or whether you've name-changed, but I'm delighted to have been able to break out the tassles! Although you've not done us barrens any help - it's bad enough being asked by a 12 year old fertility consultant whether the penis is inside the vagina when it ejaculates - without you running around pretending you don't know how it happened! Grin

CaptainMoll · 09/05/2013 00:59

Waaahhhhooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so late to this party, Noks, I'm am covered in glitter and shaking my fat booty and jiggling my buzzwams with glee for you!! Epic congrats!

This is all too exciting. I need a lie-down..

Nokkie73 · 08/05/2013 23:23

Can't we just dip the buzzwams in glitter instead. The tassels have brought about all this angst which makes me think they are borderline evil.

euro it was a quick morning mercy shag. Tbh, I had forgotten all about that one (not that there are loads to choose from) which is why I had looked at the nurse as though she was fucking bat shit crazy when she said she had two positive tests (hence I made her do another one).

raff & hest you are both beautiful. Just stay away from vans and the sun. I cannot believe someone squirted at you raff. That's well nasty.

jeff fanks luv. Grin

rasp have a wipe down with some monkfish and repeat 'I rock' twenty times.

Hi to everyone else and thanks for your lovely posts.

Norks x

evilgiraffe · 08/05/2013 23:22

It was always Monday nights out for me - student discount night in most places. On the occasions we went out on other nights, town seemed much rougher - like the aforementioned fighting guys littering Kingsway with blood and teeth...

Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 23:15

I spent a year in Swansea. Oh those Friday nights down Wind Street.....

OP posts:
evilgiraffe · 08/05/2013 23:10

It didn't happen more than the once, thankfully. Though HOTB visited once, I took him into town and on the way home we had to navigate police, ambulance, and two men dripping blood all over everywhere... It was a nice place to live most of the time, though. Except during England-Wales rugby matches (right in the middle of England's dominant run up to World Cup victory): I kept quiet on match days Grin

Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 22:59

Well what to you expect from Swansea?

OP posts:
evilgiraffe · 08/05/2013 22:58

My list:
I am barren
I am a lardarse
I have a poor sense of balance
I have cankles

On the whole, Hest might win, but a dickhead heckling from a white van an outside observer might hurl abuse at me first. Sorry, I read that thread about women being yelled at in the street earlier and it gave me THE RAGE. I once got drive-by water-pistolled (I hope it was water) by dicks in a van in Swansea, but thankfully was almost home at that point. I don't know if that's better or worse than verbal abuse.

Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 22:52

It's FUCK YOU FERTILITY CLINIC!

OP posts:
Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 22:52

I am barren
I have a wonky spine
I get rashes in the sun
My fingers swell up in the sun
I have a mystery allergy which makes my face explode every now and again
I have a large nose
And lastly.....I am ginger.

Beat THAT Grin

OP posts:
RaspberrySnowCone · 08/05/2013 22:49

What's an FCFU?

RaspberrySnowCone · 08/05/2013 22:49

:) I'm such a drama queen

evilgiraffe · 08/05/2013 22:47

Don't be daft, rasp, it's (a) not just you, and (b) one of those weird awkward words. Also, I can spell quite well and am pretty barren myself - ergo, no link :)

JethroTull · 08/05/2013 22:45

Bloody hell I heard the BESH klaxon had gone off! Huge congrats Nok. An actual FCFU!! Grin

Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 22:39

Oh Rasp, come 'ere you daft mare

Let me assure you, you ARE human.

OP posts:
RaspberrySnowCone · 08/05/2013 22:33

Ahh fuck it, I knew it'd have been that got it wrong. Can't have a baby. Can't spell. Feeling less of a human every day >(

evilgiraffe · 08/05/2013 22:25

Tassel is right. I'm a little OCD about many things, and spelling is one of them. I think it comes from no-one ever getting my name right until I got married and got a better name

EuroShaggleton · 08/05/2013 22:25

Bloody hell, Noks, that's ace! This was a natural cycle before IVF, right? Woo bloody hoo!

You're the second one this has happened to on the egg buddies fred - Shazza got updiffed on her downregging cycle!

Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 22:22

Tassel
Tassle

Neither look right.

OP posts:
evilgiraffe · 08/05/2013 22:21

I'll dance on your behalf, Hest.

On that point, can I just quietly say tassels? Not tassles...

Original poster
HesterShaw · 08/05/2013 22:10
Blush

I can't dance. I have done something Very Painful to my back and neck.

OP posts:
Nokkie73 · 08/05/2013 21:56

hest I would like a bit of nip action before I answer that question please. Tassle on.....dance for me baby.