TTC 10+ months Part 13

Glad I could be of some comfort - you are never sure if there is a right time for happy ending stories!

Joy - 3 embies failing isn't good. Of course it isn't. But that's just because the only "good" we want is a baby! I don't think in the normal run of things that 3 failed embies is significant, no. To add to the sis story, after the cute nephew arrived, my sister had 2 of her 4 frosties put back. Neither implanted, and they were blastos. But then she had a natural pg a few months later that is now gorgeous nephew number 2. So on top of several rounds of IUIs and years of infertility, she had 5 failed embies that she knew of (round 1, the round she got her first baby had been a DET, and then round 3 with 2 FETs). She has 2 lovely children. The numbers are meaningless. Except for the number of children, she tends to keep track of them :)

I've another friend who had at least 4 miscarriages before her first baby was born. Not easy for her, but again it didn't mean it would never work out, and she has a second now as well.

Keep strong. This is shit, for both of you, I know :(

Joy - words can not describe the upset I feel on your behalf. I am so very very sorry. What a horrible shock. This seems so cruel. Please know how brave you are. Be very gentle to yourself.

Nelly - thank you for your wise words. I think they will give a lot of us comfort.

Luffs to you all

Thanks ladies and thanks Nelly , it is comforting to hear and in fact has given me hope. My big worry is I had a natural m/c as well so that's now 3 embryos that have failed. That's bad isnt it?

joy I can only add my sadness to that of all your friends here. Deeply unfair and just heat breaking. I'm so very sorry.

nelly that's a nice post about your sister. euro hang in there. x

nelly thanks it is comforting. I keep thinking of my close friend who had IVF. Her first cycle (one back I think) resulted in a BFN. She was devestated. Then she had two put back on a frozen cycle - one miscarried at about 6 weeks, the other made it. The last embie turned into id twins and a very rocky pregnancy but they both made it. So her IVF journey looks incredibly successful on the surface - one full round = 3 children, but actually, from the 4 embies, 2 worked out, one mc'd and one gave a BFN. So I guess what I am trying to say is that one or two not working out, doesn't mean we won't get there. It's just an incredibly hard route to get what comes so easily to most people.

joy I'm so so sorry and v sad for you. It's utterly shitty and unfair, esp when it looked like things were going well. I have no idea how you managed to make it back into work. I hope that things over the next days are as pain free and easy as they can be. Do you have any more scans? You know where I am - please please do get in touch if I can do anything/you fancy a drink/coffee/cry. Massive hugs to you and Roy xx

nellie I think your words are v wise. I know for me that the more AC I go through, the more I think there's something terribly wrong with me, but as you say it can just be bad luck and the type of thing non-barreners encounter and shrug off. I hope joy and euro find some comfort in your words.

Oh joy I am so sorry :( what a horrid shock.

Joy, it is no doubt still far too soon to look forward; but I remembered something that I wanted to share with you, and euro too. I think I've said many times that my sister has an IVF baby. Her first round she had 2 embryos put back. Both implanted. One died at 6 weeks and although everything looked fine with the second one, it had died by the 9 scan. She didn't have the advance warning as you did, so you can imagine the shock. But they went again, and guess what - my little monster of a nephew was the result :). I know you will both be worrying that the terrible issues and trauma you have had this cycle mean that there must be something fundamentally wrong. But hopefully big sis's story will give you hope that one sad ending does not mean the next time won't work out.

I know we've said it before on this thread, that the "normal" people have failed cycles and chem pregs and early miscarriages too; they just get it all over and done with rather more quickly before their successful month. For us, we are playing the long game; but a happy ending will turn up for all of us eventually.

I'm not sure if that's annoyingly patronising or quietly comforting . I know I find it helpful to have a chink of light to look at in my darkest moments, but that's not the same for everyone. Thinking of you both so much.

joy . This is unbelievably unfair. I can't begin to express how sorry I am. I am wishing you strength to get through this. What torture.

I'm so sorry Joy. I was really hoping for a positive outcome for you. It really isn't fair. You must be exhausted. Thinking of you both at this horrible time. Please don't hesitate to PM if you want to chat. Lots and lots of love and hugs X

Oh Joy :(. There are no words. I am so very very sorry.

I cannot get over the cruelty of Mother Nature sometimes. Surely we have paid or dues by now?

Doll your news was so lovely. We need more of it.

Euro and Joy you know we are here for you whenever you need us.

Oh joy. I am so, so sad for you. I'm not surprised you feel shattered - you have been through so much over the past few weeks. Your clinic is very full on and you have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Can you take the afternoon off? I have arranged to work from home after my rescan on Thursday so I don't have to go back to the office and try to put a brave face on things, and will convert it to sick leave or holiday if I don't feel able to work. I just know I won't want to be around people afterwards.

Get in touch if you want a drink or chat over the coming weeks.

oh joy I am devastated for you. What an awful shock when you had begun to have some hope. Cruel, cruel, cruel. You are so strong though, you have been totally amazing and I admire the way you have coped through all of this. Do you have to go back to work? I think you deserve some time to grieve but I know that's not your style. xxx

Euro - hope you are bearing up ok. It's grim waiting for scans. I understand thisfeeljng that ttc puts your life on hold. I am sure on my deathbed I will regret how I turned my face to the wall at the prime of my life.

Doll- yippee at your scan, that is great news.

Mrsd - I am excited about ivf for you. They'll be able to find decent sperm with mrd so don't worry. I have still got a load of first announcements to come. We had one yesterday. It's just so effortless for everyone we know.

Sar - I am annoyed that they keep dripping you with information. But heart shape womb doesn't sound like it's a problem. Wishing you all the luck in the world with your Fet.

Buzz - sorry about that awful death. How terribly sad.

Sweetgrouch - hello, not sure I have said hello before.

Gin - I am sorry AF has gone awol, I hope it appears shortly so you can crack on with things.

Well I said I wouldn't come back on until I had 100% confirmation of what was going on. I am on sooner than I thought. Was called in for ivig today as my NK cells were elevated. They always scan before hey do it. And it was a nasty shock as for the first time in this process we had had hope on Friday but today my last bean had died. The strong heartbeat had just gone. They spent 15mins looking for it but it just wasn't there. Friday was incredible as it looked like a proper baby with it's limbs growing so this seems massively cruel. I feel pretty shattered by this experience. I was told today it was very rare to lose 2. I knew I should never have had hope after Fri but it was so difficult not to especially as I was getting bouts of nausea or thought I was. The clinic i went to last week were right when they said it wasnt viable but weirdly it had caught up in size. The clinic have faxed a letter to my GP.
Well finally we have closure at least. I hope the next bit happens naturally. Just sitting in Regents Park in wondeful sunshine and just gearing myself to go back in to the office. Stiff upper lip.

Happy birthday free. I'm glad you got what you wanted!

joy I am thinking of you and willing your little fighter on.

mrsd I think it is because of having the first later. I said to Mr Euro when pg that if he wants two, we should probably get cracking on the second before I leave the delivery suite, given how long it took to get our first BFP. I really don't want to be doing this past 40. It has dominated pretty much all of my 30s (waiting for Mr Euro to be ready, then waiting to get married (my choice, as I really didn't want to be a preggo bride), then trying for over 2 years, then the IVF, and now it looks like waiting to go again - so much waiting). I was ready to try at about 31. I'm now 37. I feel like my life has been on hold for so long. We would both like two, but I would happily settle for one (but I would want to make sure one had more opportunities to spend time with other children - I had a fairly lonely childhood at times because my mum didn't drive and my dad worked all hours setting up his own business, so I was a bit stuck in terms of getting to clubs, etc.). Interestingly, my mum tried for me for over a year in her early 20s, but got pg in a couple of months with each of her three subsequent pregnancies (although she miscarried), so I think a pregnancy can change things. I've read other similar stories on here.

Thanks Gin. That is pretty much what I thought. The cetrocide is the only element I wasn't sure about. I turned down Clexane and pred on this cycle and would again. I didn't see the point to Clexane as I had all the blood clotting tests with the immunology doc I saw back in 2011 and they were all clear. And as you probably remember last summer I had the bad smear post-Pred, so both me and Mr Euro said never again to that. Clearly neither had an effect on implantation. I don't think they will test the "products" of a first miscarriage but I would like to know. If it was "normal" then there might be some cause to retest NK cells and look at alternatives to pred and so on, but I suspect because it didn't get past the yolk sac stage there was a chromosomal abnormality that was probably just "one of those things".

I have to say, I did find the natural cycle IVF pretty easy (right up until it started to go wrong!) so hopefully you will find the same with a natural FET. It was just a few monitoring scans, one blood test and then for me trigger/EC and ET but you would only have the last of those.

I am very excited to get started on ivf, it sort of feels like it will only be then that I will be properly ttc. I'm very worried though that it won't work. DH hasn't had a SA in 18 months so I'm scared it's got even worse.

A natural cycle will be nice and easy going won't it? Everything is crossed for you.

I am concentrating on having one baby! I would love two though. Before all this, I wanted three but I know that's not on the cards now.

Yep, it's meant to be a natural FET, if my hormones sort themselves out! That's exciting mrsd, really not long for you to wait now. I'm sure it will be a huge relief just to be getting started with it all.

I agree that I don't find the 2nd announcements so bad. It just makes me feel über barren. My friends seem to have a 2-3 year age gap between their kids. I now feel like I'll be super lucky to even get one, let along plan a 2nd!

I know, it is flippin unfair. Actually, I don't feel so bad about the second ones as I do about the first ones. It does show how easy it is for people though if they can get pregnant so soon after a first. I know in the case of a couple of friends, their drive to get pregnant again has been because they've hated being back at work but it will be such hard work being at home with a newborn and a just over 1 year old. I'm not sure they've thought this through

I have to go for a scan on day 25 of this next cycle which is why I want af to show up. The scan is to check there are no cysts. Then I would start injecting on CD1 of the next cycle so it will be the start of April I think with ec mid april. What about you? Are you doing a natural fet?

X post mrsd sorry 'bout the preggo announcement and your af playing silly buggers too. We've had 2 2nd child announcements recently. It just seems so unfair the people can pop at one and then another, in quick succession. Everyone else seems so bloody fertile! So do you start SP next cycle?

Thank you rabbit That has made me feel a lot better, although your story was a little sad. Oh to be back in those days when a bfp would've been a happy surprise... Can you remember if your cycle after the long one was normal?

Belated happy b'day free! Presents, yay.

euro I was on low dose gonal f (112.5 and 150 doses alternatively), cetrotide as the antagonist, ovritrelle as trigger and then clexane (urgh), the prog pessaries and supposedly prednisolone (sp?) post ET. I'm not really sure what to advise. My first cycle I had no symptoms at all whilst stimming but felt massively shit after the op (bearing in mind I had an unusual bad experience during the op). Second cycle felt shit on the stims and much better after ET. I was horrified to find myself at high risk of ohss, as I thought this wasn't possible on such low stims. But guess I also didn't think 11-13 eggs were possible either.They do monitor you v carefully though and the embryologist told us they are much more cautious than other clinics he worked at re doing ET when there are high e2 levels. Just something to think about, esp if you are sensitive to faux hormones. Hopefully you won't need any ivf though and Barry will pull through. Totally understand the need to be thinking about a plan b though.

grouch your pcos doesn't sound too severe? Hopefully they can sort it out fairly easily. Am jealous of cut price ivf.

Have a nice day ladies. It's so nice and sunny. Surely the sun will bring in my period?!

The second pregnancy announcements are coming thick and fast at the moment. I thought I'd get a little break between people announcing their first and second babies. Is this a current trend to pop them out very close together 11 month - 16 months age gap seems to be popular amongst my friends. When I was at school most of my friends had 2 - 4 year age gaps between their siblings. I wonder if it's to do with people having their first later so feel like they have to get on with it. Or, perhaps because some women hate being back at work after the first and so want to be off on maternity again? When I was young most of the mums were SAHM.

sar I think a heart shaped womb sounds cute. My friend has this, two children with no problems. It was picked up when she had her scan with her DD1. I think they gave her some extra scans because of it and she had a c section. But I'm not 100% sure if that was because of the womb shape or for another reason. What was their explanation for the drip feeding of information?

gin how frustrating to have a long cycle when you want to get on with the fet. Grrr.

freedom sounds like you've been given the same info as me . Normal ivf is cheaper than icsi and my clinic does do it but also prefers to do icsi because of better success rates. We need icsi anyway because of severe male factor.

rabbits I'm jealous of your ability to sew. I wish I could. I agree there are a few benefits to being barren. I love that me and DH can be spontaneous. I'm currently planning our next holiday, I'm looking for something very un child friendly.

joy I'm am so happy for you that one little joy is still going strong. I'm sorry the other one didn't make it though. It's amazing to think it has had such a growth spurt, perhaps the other one was holding it back. A strong heartbeat at 8 weeks must be a good sign. Please do post, the ups and downs are what we're all here for. Don't think that you can't post if you want to.

euro I'm sorry you're still in limbo land. I know you don't want false hope but joy shows us that you shouldn't give up hope completely. I'm thinking of you.

I'm on CD32, very sore boobs, starving hungry all the time, a bit crampy. If I was a normal non barren person I might think I was pregnant. But as a barren, I know that AF is teasing me and holding out so that ivf is further away.

Critter - the last blood tests showed ovulation but of course it was on a very nice cycle for me. Judging by my cycle lengths (29-55 days) and normal symptoms (+OPK, ewcm..etc), I ovulate about 3/4 of the time. The doctor is looking into other horomone levels and potential issues, but I won't know much more until my appointment. Whatever course of action he chooses, it will be strictly monitored because the government has strict guidelines for AC (the meds, first 6 iuis and first 3 rounds of IVF are covered by tax dollars).

• The description as your body as comatose is quite funny and reflects my status at least 25% of the time.

Joy- Not sure how I missed you in the last post, but congratulations on the bean still being there. I'm still hoping it will pull through. I think doll may have said it better than me, but I agree that posts reflect where you are. I think you have been on a crazy rollercoaster and it is simply reflected in your posts. If posting helps, as free pointed out, I think you should.

Euro - good luck! I hope the bean grows between now and then.

Free - Happy late birthday. Your consult sounds like it was good. I am with your dh and hope you won't need it because Dr. Woo said you were warm.

Doll - Glad the scan looked normal.

Gin - Sorry your period is still nowhere to be found, wonky cycles are always frustrating.

Sar - the heart shaped womb should be just fine. A lovely place for your frostie to stay for 9 months.

Lemon - Lolled at boobs don't lie.

Buzzy - Your MIL sounds very nice. It is great she is so supportive.

Waves to everyone I've missed.

Joy - only if helpful to you of course, I don't mean please post for my benefit. Even though I am following your progress. Hope you know what I mean.

Also, I turned 35 yesterday and buying your own presents to make sure you get all the treats you hope for = way more fun birthday.