Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

Hi everyone, hope you are all doing ok.

Duckling how are you feeling? I have been thinking of you.

Fan have you got your scan date yet? I was worried when I was pregnant with F that they would tell me there was nothing there at the scan. I hope it is soon and that it puts your mind at rest (at least for the scan day itself if not a bit longer).

Elly so sorry to hear that you are not sleeping, but understandable. It must be terrifying. Just one more day to get through though. We are all thinking of you and very much looking forward to hearing the good news when you are home.

Rainbox I hope the last week has been uneventful for you and no more scary episodes. Was your MH appointment helpful?

Green how are you? Thinking of you lots at this difficult time. Hugs x

Fioled Hi! Sadly I am new here. Congratulations on your BFP, I hope you have a calm and healthy 8 months.

Kleine how are you doing? Hope some of the tiredness has passed, praying so hard for you and your little passenger.

Jules how are you doing?

My update is that my boss has agreed to working from home for the next 6 weeks. I will have to go in for a few days as there is a conference and a couple of training sessions etc but I will mostly be at home. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do actually plan to go in a few times so it isn't completely daunting when I go back in May but I feel like I can do it when I am ready rather than feeling pressured. On a less positive note I had a horrible dream last night, that I was pregnant again and went to hospital to give birth and the baby came out and was the size of a 50p and wasn't alive. I know it was only a dream (and an unrealistic one at that) but has left me feeling a bit funny today. I'm sure it will fade as the day goes on.

Anyway, now that I'm allowed to work from home I suppose I had better get on and do something!

to everyone I haven't mentioned xxx

Yes I remember you blizy :) Are you going to go again this year? We're hoping too. I want to replace the pebble up there for B. We put some outside the house for her too and they are quite weathered now. So I think we'll probably get an engraved one instead.

Thanks for the welcome and congratulations everyone. I've been in denial a bit over the weekend and convincing myself I'm going to mc, let alone get as far as freaking out in the 3rd tri like last time. It feels very different to my other two so far. I'm feeling very crampy today which is making me nervous. But its all starting to sink in a bit now. Here we hopefully go again then. ~nervous smile~

fanjo I know that feeling of thinking there'll be nothing there. Currently waiting on my consultant getting back to me about early management plan. I hope they will look after me just like last time and I see someone soon.

keeping everything crossed for you kleine

Hello lovelies. Another very quick, me-me-me message - I'm hoping to be more alert tomorrow in order to read the thread properly and reply to people! But just wanted to say, I now have one embryo (a blastocyst) on board... We'll know in a couple of weeks whether it has implanted. We're so grateful to have come this far, and, although I've been pretty tired since egg collection, the whole process has been relatively easy - such a relief. Thanks so much for thinking of me over the last few weeks, ladies

Will name-check soon I PROMISE but just briefly to send a big wave and squeeze to the lovely elly. I hope that your little wriggler is VERY wriggly for you, during these last few days, and can't wait to hear your news very very very soon xxxxxx

Hi all Sorry I haven't been on much recently - still finding my feet being back at work, K's on Easter hols and H is sleeping rubbishly! Though I secretly don't mind that as it helps make up for the cuddles I've missed in the day All is well here though. Had lovely news yesterday that a lady from my sands group had her rainbow baby. Have just quickly read back through the last few posts

Fan hope you get your scan date through soon my lovely - cant wait to hear that you've seen that lovely wriggly baby on the screen. How are you feeling - emotionally and physically? Be good to meet up again soon - I've missed you xx

Elly holding your hand and thinking of you these last few days - you WILL get through them and you WILL be bringing your baby home. Lots of love xx

Fioled at your news. How wonderful my lovely so so pleased for you. A new sibling for B and X. I know you've ridden the rainbow pregnancy rollercoaster before but you'll find loads of lovely support here xx

A warm but sad welcome to all the new ladies - this thread is a wonderfully supportive place to share all your fears and worries but at the same time I'm sorry you need it. I lost my beautiful dd2 Erin in August 2011 - she was born with a cancerous tumour and only lived a short while. We miss her every day but are blessed with dd1 who is 6 and our gorgeous rainbow Holly who was born almost a year to the day after her big sister so is now nearly 8 months old

Kleine am tying myself up into a pretzel crossing everything for you xxx

So pleased for you Razz

How are you feeling green and rainbox? You are both doing so well. When is your meeting re c-sec rainbox? It's a shame you have to fight for it but am hopeful they will see sense!

Waves to blizy mias blue little and anyone else I've missed - got to go and take my big girl out for a bike ride

I hope your scan date comes through quickly Fan.

Kleine, fab news - another step closer xxx

Hi Blizy! I am so absolutely terrified, am not sleeping at all, keep panicking that its all going to go wrong again, or that when the baby is born it doesnt cry or isn't breathing. On the other hand, only 3 days to go and trying to keep busy - going to my DSis's for family dinner today, spending tomorrow with mil (she starts chemo on Wed and won't be able to see the baby for 3 months because of immunity) then lunch with some other mums with rainbow babies on Tues. haven't got anything ready really, apart from hosp bags, DH will put crib up, car seat into car and sort nursery out etc when baby is here and we are still in hosp.

Hi to everyone else, sorry to not name check xxx

fan think it is completely normal. Even without it being a rainbow pregnancy. At least you know from your earlier scan that there is something there.

jules it depends what you mean by being pregnant. I lost our son in May 2011 and was pregnant again in Oct 2011. But unfortunately that one ended in a miscarriage. I then had a chemical pregnancy between that and this one. I think I got my BFP with this 6-7 months ago. I also have no living children so know how hard it can be.

Blue I remember sterre. Glad you got to have your rainbow.

This is just a quick post so waves to everyone else

How is everyone?

elly how are you? You got everything ready? Must be exciting and stressful at the same time.

green how was the poo day? Thinking of you this is a special month for the both of us.

blizy everythings crossed for this month.

razz rainbox lemon duckling cheese thinking of you all in our rainbow pregnancies.

Waves to all I have missed.

I'm just waiting for my scan date to pop through the post, bit nerve racking, I know I've already had a scan but it doesn't stop me thinking that there will be nothing there.

Fioled, I don't know if you remember me? I met you at the SANDS service with blue and angel, my dd is Zoe. Wow, huge congrats on rainbow number 2!

Ahh Mia's, sorry you were I'll, hope you are fighting fit now.

Kleine, fab news about the eggs! When will they be implanted?

Hi lemon, nice to hear from you again. I hope you are ok?

Elly, not long now my lovely. How are you?

Sorry I can't reply to everyone, I have to go now mil has just arrived. Hope you all have a good weekend. X

Yes, I am here too blue. I do try to keep up, but have been slack recently... A big hello to all the courageous new additions to this thread - jules, lemon sherbet, little star, duckling. It is a wonderful, warm and caring place. whatever also pops in with her rainbow H, but as she has now started back at work, I imagine life is super-busy for her.

My beautiful red-headed Mia died totally unexpectedly at the age of 13 months in October 2011. MrMia and I had always wanted a second child, and we were both overjoyed and terrified when I became pg a year ago. Despite nine very long months, full of fear (and Mia's inquest, and the anniversaries of her birthday and her death), baby Finn was born safely last December. He is absolutely beautiful, and so much fun. All the amazing women here helped me so much.

fioled what wonderful news!! Congratulations!!

Lots to read and catch up on here - big hellos to fan, blizy, greengoose, kleine, ellypoo, babyh, little9, rainbox, moomins, angel, shaky, too, poglol, amy, owainsmum, mumalah, and anyone else on this journey.

Hasn't been a cheerful house here over the last two days - MrMia and I were both hit with a lovely D&V bug, aches and lethargy. Much sleeping involved, so poor Finn hasn't had very much excitement. But feeling better today, so hoping to finally eat something again and maybe even change the bed sheets

fioled good to see you here! miasmummy hangs around here too with gorgeous Finn!

Just going to sneak quietly in here after bluetinkerbell invited me.

I lost my DD in June 2010, my rainbow DS was born in October 2011 and today I've had another BFP. Hopeful vibes for rainbow #2

Will look forward to getting to know you all.

Are there other familiar faces here I might know blue ?

A very sad but warm welcome to all the new ladies on here.
I lost my DD2 Sterre at 20 weeks almost 2 years ago now.
I had a beautiful rainbow daughter Lotta in November.
Hence not able to catch up on here a lot :)

x

Hey everyone... How is everyone this morning? Finally have the time to respond to everyone properly so here we go:

blizy hello there. Nice to meet you..... Although sorry it's on this forum. I hope you are doing ok? Hope you had a good bank holiday weekend with lots of chocolate and wine and so sorry af showed up..... TTC journey is so hard and fraught with many ups and downs all the time when others seem to get it so easily in my opinion! Try to stay strong with hope and positivity even in the darkest of times - it will happen. We just don't know when our journey will take a different course at the moment. Hugs x

fan thanks for your message. I'm sorry to hear about Ophelia. Life is so unfair and she sounds perfect. I have no reason why our little ones get taken from us too soon - perhaps they were needed somewhere else to help others? I'm also sorry about your miscarriages - were these after Ophelia? How did you get through? I'm struggling trying to see my positive future at the moment and cannot shake the feelings of I've had an early loss and a full term loss somewhat next for me? I'm trying to stay positive and believe that it will happen but it's so hard and time goes so slowly. I'm just waiting for my first af post d&c and although I promised I wouldn't analyze everything, I am! I don't know when it will show up and have just got my first negative hpt which has taken almost 4 weeks which seems like a lifetime. I'm not experienced in these things and simply don't know what to expect. Good luck with this pregnancy - how far along are you? Hope you are getting super care from all the experts... Ad that time is passing gently.

green hope the sewage tank got fixed!? And that dp didn't return too smelly!!

kleine how's things with you? My IUGR was because of placental insufficiency which went undetected - my placenta was small but didn't have infarcts in it.... I just wish they had picked up on it post 33 weeks which is when I had my last scan - Ben was measuring small and had dropped from the midline to the 10th percentile on the growth chart but hospital didn't think this was significant and therefore never offered me another scan... Then let me go to 42 weeks even though I have under active thyroid and PCOS...... Seems so unfair. The hospital also weren't great at the post mortem and had us return to the AAU for the appt and we sat through this being able to hear fetal hearts from the room next door.... Horrendous. I'm so sorry about your dd. I really am. Your situation sounds like mine really in that we both lost in labour. It's like we have reached the finish line only for it to be cruelly stolen from us at the last post.

littlestar how are you doing? I'm sorry about your Son - your situation is also similar to mine in that he was your first. I understand your heart break. It's such a horrible way to feel for such a long time - I know feelings will change over time but it will never go away. I'm sorry you've had no luck so far with TTC your rainbow - are you trying naturally or having treatment? We can be in the TTC journey together... And support each other through it. I returned to work just 2 months after we lost Benjamin..... It was terrible but I was pregnant so seemed bearable. Of course just two weeks after that I found I was miscarrying with a blighted ovum so my world came crashing down again and I had another two weeks off - I had to go for a d&c under general which seemed so unfair that I couldnt trust my body to do it by itself. I feel like I've changed so much now I'm back at work again full time - what mattered to me before just doesn't matter now and things seem so irrelevant. I feel so impatient with my colleagues who also act like now I'm back I must be 'over it'. I'm glad you have supportive people around you.... Have you thought about doing something different? Changing path? I've thought about this and may even do it yet but financially it's tricky. I also get to work at home and find that this helps a little although its lonely and the house is so quiet during the day that it can be a bit of a painful reminder as to what's happened. I think you can only do what's right for you and take it steady...? My colleagues also avoid talking about Ben and in a few weeks my boss returns from her maternity leave having had a perfect little boy herself.... I'm so not able to deal with that and she's not the most tactful person so I'm sure will gush about her perfect boy and all the things he is achieving without a thought for who she talking to! She hasn't contacted me at all since Ben was born silently and I find this really hard to accept too which is making my feelings even more hostile towards her. You have to do what's right for you, and only you. If that's working a home then do it. If its doing reduced hours for a while then do it. I was on 6 hours a day for 4 weeks before returning to full hours. I started back on just 4 hours a day in the office for 2 weeks and have slowly built it up. But I do find that sadly the only people who can get through it are ourselves and sometimes I feel full of resent over that towards others. I feel like they should be making it better for me even though I know no one can.

rainbow Dexter is such a lovely name. I'm pleased the crocus have begun to flower - daffodils and crocus are my favorites; I see them and feel that they bring so much hope for new growth. How lovely that Dexter has these with him. I agree ow ever with the broken feeling.... And time after time have I wanted other world to stop for me for a while or even to fast forward 12 months so I can see how things are and if things look a bit better for me and all other angel mummies out there. Good luck with your rainbow pregnancy - I home you are well and not too terrified? I imagine I will be scared witless and most probably neurotic..... Good job my GP is amazing and has lots of time for me! Hope your care is what you need. Has your UTI cleared up - your experience sounds terrifying and I hope you are ok now? Sorry about your second scary experience with the bleeding - is everything ok? I'm glad they have given you a dedicated contact and that they understand your need to use this - I imagine I will be just like you if we ever get there again. I think I would want a c-sec too - cant even seem to think about natural labour at the moment and I'm not even pregnant..... Just too scary and too much of a reminder for me about how I lost Ben. You are right - choice is the key.

duckling how are you doing my lovely? I'm so sorry about your dd. she was born at the same weight as my ds Ben.... He looked so tiny but so perfect. I was glad I had some time to spend with him even though he had been born silently into this world. I'm glad the hospital have admitted negligence although as you say, it doesn't bring our angels back and we wold do anything to turn the clock back so that we could have walked out of the hospital with them in our arms instead of a memory box to cradle. I'm also starting psychology and have my first appointment today. Hopefully this will be what I need to try and make sense of all that has gone on in what seems to be a short space of time. I truly hope you are feeling a little better and have had some gentle days since you last posted. Hugs x

ellypoo we've not met here yet but hello! I hope you are ok and finding a way through the last few days? Not long to go now..... Keep positive and big hugs x

green how are you doing? I've been thinking about you the last few days in the run up to Merryns birthday. I hope you a ok? Take the day as it comes - and don't apologize for how you are to anyone. It's such a milestone and you have to manage it the way you best can. I'm sending you hugs for the day itself and of course in the run up and afterwards.

lemonsherbert welcome here and so sorry that you find yourself here. You have had it tough - your situation sounds like mine. I also lost my ds Ben at 42 weeks in labour due to IUGR and have just had a miscarriage resulting in d&c. I have no children already. I'm so pleased you are pregnant again - how long did this take you if you don't mind me asking? I'm feeling pretty low about my situation and long to be pregnant again but am waiting for post miscarriage af to show up. I used to think the same about movements when I was carrying Ben and spent many months scarred to death. I think it's normal especially since you have been through so much. At my post mortem for Ben I discussed a future management plan for another pregnancy - have you asked to be delivered at 39 weeks because of your history? Could you select a different hospital who may give you what you need? Can you discuss it with your GP if s/he is supportive and get them to have these difficult conversations on your behalf? What matters is how you are and your precious rainbow and Therefore you are entitled to the best care in an understanding manner. I'm so sorry your pm found no results.... It's such a tragedy that in this day and age we are still in this situation when medicine has advanced so much in other areas. Your MIL sounds difficult..... I'm glad your DH has spoken up for you however - remember we can choose which opinions we hear although we can't stop people expressing opinions in the first place. I try very hard every day to turn the volume down on opinions I don't need or want to hear - its exhausting doing this but it helps me through. Perhaps you could try this - I visualize turning a volume button down in my head and replace the negative / difficult noises with my own nice thoughts..... Hugs x

Anyhow - after this essay I'm going to respond to some work emails now since I'm working at home I had better do something!! I'm sorry if I've missed anyone and hope everyone is doing as ok as life will allow.... Hugs to you all x

Waves frantically at lemon hello lovely. So sorry to hear your having a tough time of it, your inlaws sound lovely .
Wow 29 weeks! We will be here to hold you hand the rest of the way.

Hi lemonsherbert I'm sorry about the loss of your son and your subsequent miscarriage and chemical, life can be so cruel.

I lost my son (my first baby) at 27 weeks in September last year, although not pg again I understand why you must feel so scared (I have no doubt I would be the same). I'm really sorry that your DH's family haven't been understanding and supportive, an extra layer of difficulty that you just don't need. It can be really hard trying to get other people to understand your loss and how important it is to have your son acknowledged, he will always be a hugely important part of your life. Even if your DH's family don't "get it" we all do and you are not alone.

Anyway, other ladies here will be able to offer more support and advice about this pregnancy but I didn't want to "read and run". I hope this tough patch passes for you soon. X

Rainbox what a frightening day for you, why does everything have to be so hard? I'm SO glad everything is ok and I hope your MH appointment went well (ie they agreed to what you want!).

Green your "poo" day made me laugh!

Hi, I just wondered if I could come and join you lovely ladies. I lost my little boy at 20 weeks in May 2011. Then had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy after that. I have posted periodically since then on this board. I am now 29 weeks pregnant, but if I am honest still struggling. So if I wake in the night and he is not moving one of my first thoughts is that he must of died. I know that sounds weird to most people but I think some of the people on here may understand. The hospital have given me lots of additional scans, but seem quite happy to let me go post dates. Where I would like a plan and ideally would like to go to term and be induced.

I had a full screening and PM when I lost my son but no cause was ever found. Which in some ways is hard because I do not know what went wrong. He was perfect but just died. I found it quite hard to know that my rainbow was going to be the same sex. Since before then I was trying to convince myself maybe if it was a girl that things would work out differently.

Losing my son also badly affected my relationship with my MIL. He was due the same day has a family wedding. She had been saying throughout my whole pregnancy what if he came early, then you could come etc. When we lost him, she kicked up such a fuss we were forced to attend. She had started to say things to my husband like you have to decide between your family and your DW. My BIL feels that it was entirely right we were there. My DH family seem to regard the loss of him like an early miscarriage. Since that wedding I have not had anything to do with my MIL. My DH has spoken to her about her behaviour since but she feels she was right to express her opinions.

I am sorry this is such a me post. Just having a bit of a tough couple of days. Have had to have a Glucose test since this one is so big and the midwife did not read my notes. Despite my hospital notes having a SANDS sticker on and my handheld notes having under consultant care due to obstetric history on. So had to explain that I had had a late loss in the day unit and that is why it had been picked up on the scan with regards to the growth.

RAINBOX... You are really going through it love! I think you should push for a c sec if that's what you want, and I don't see why you should have to push for it, they should just agree if they have half a brain!
I've got both on my notes just now, and they are not quibbling one bit, I can change my mind any time etc, I hate it's such a lottery who you get looking after these things. Anyway, you are doing great, and what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable. I hope your meeting is helpful. X

Elly less than a week to go! How exciting and scary, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

fan your midwife sounds lovely. I am glad she can talk to you about Fi. Might have to look into getting a SANDS sticker for my notes, I don't have one and people asking how my son is and if he is with Daddy today gets a bit wearing :( I know they mean well though.

Little I am sorry you are finding work so tough. I am not sure I can offer any advice, but I can sympathise. In my case, like fan, I was not planning to go back and I really really resent it. It was not the plan, it's wrong and I hate it. Working from home if you can sounds like a good idea, then you could deal with just the work stuff and get your confidence back like you say, before dealing with colleagues? I'm sorry it is so hard.

green enjoy your poo day! Not something I ever thought I would write. I am so glad you are getting some kicks as well. I have found they really helped me. Again, with Merryn's birthday I can only sympathise. I have no advice, our first is later this month. We both have the day off work and are just going to take it as it comes.

Duckling I am glad you have good RL friends as well, and have enjoyed some lovely food. I certainly found grabbing every tiny little good moment and hanging onto it helped me. Don't worry about what you write here either, I usually talk total rubbish. These wise and kind women have saved me from some very dark places.

Kleine that sounds like things are going well! Celebrating quietly here for you. No wonder you are knackered, so many things going on. I hope you are bundled up and being looked after. I would post you some cake it that would work!

Jules how are you doing? Thinking about you, and everyone who has been a bit quiet. Hoping everyone is just busy.

Had another dramatic day yesterday. I started bleeding so paniced and rushed back into hospital. More scans, more exams and they have no idea where the blood came from but everything looks fine. I am feeling much, much better. The staff were all really kind, and I have permission to call them anytime I am worried. I have the appointment today with the mental health team and I think I am really going to try to get a c-sec.

Thinking about us all x x

KLEINE.... I'm scrunched up so tight I'm getting cramp! How terrifying/exciting/ exhausting! I'm not surprised you are tired out love! So... I'm guessing for the next few days you need to be taken care of, fed well, and get plenty of rest? I really really really hope that this works out for you both. Big but very gentle hug! X

Sorry to post and run... Today is the big 'poo' day in our house, John gets to shovel everything back into the cest pit (joy) and then we pick up a trailer with a few tons of horse poo to dig into new veg patch. I am curiously excited!

Great news Kleine.... So pleased for you this far. Fingers and toes crossed x

Hi all, I've not read back (will do so soon), just wanted to let you all know that we've managed to get as far as fertilisation! Egg collection was yesterday and a number of eggs have fertilised, so we're just waiting to see how many of them 'make it' over the next couple of days, and then hopefully one of them can be transferred back to give us to be given the chance of implanting. I'm absolutely, entirely exhausted, but just wanted to give a quick update before I have yet another snooze xxx

Hey everyone.... Truly didn't want to read and run but just checking in very quickly.
I hope the days are gentle for you all...
Duckling - welcome here and I'm so sorry you find yourself here. What you feel is totally normal and things are so raw currently.... Please go easy on yourself and try to get some rest. You need to stay strong as this is one of the most important choices we have here: strength and hope or no strength and hope. I lost my son at term plus 12 days last November - he was my first; much wanted and loved after two years of fertility treatments. The world is a much darker place since but we made a choice to keep going for our son Ben and somehow we find ourselves here and trying to ttc for a precious brother or sister. I've also miscarried following my stillbirth three weeks ago which was such a cruel blow and so difficult after loosing Ben but again we decided to keep going and move forward. I do want to reach out and just scoop you up to give you some strength - we all understand here and you've found the right place. Check back with us very soon and let us know what you need.
So sorry not to name check others but sending lots of hope and positivity to you all - will be back soon for a more detailed reply!
Hugs xx

Thanks for your reply Fan, I was planning on going back, but after a full year off and then only part time, I would have loved to have been a SAHM but unfortunately finances dictate otherwise...! We do have a HR team, I was given a dedicated contact while I was off so I didn't have to explain over and over to different people what had happened, but she wasn't particularly sympathetic. I'm considering just building up courage to sit down and discuss how I feel with my boss. If I am brave enough maybe I should just let it all spill out (with pre prepared notes so that I don't forget anything and to stop me going into too much detail). My boss is pretty understanding so I know I have been lucky in that respect, but I feel like he feels I should be "back to normal" now. I have considered changing jobs, but have discounted it really as I thought the stress of a new job might be too much right now, and as we are hoping to get pg soon (we can but hope) then probably not ideal timing. I am struggling to get my thoughts in order and to know what the best solution is for me right now, I don't want to mess work around but if I carry on like this I won't be much use to anyone!

Ps-I meant to say yesterday that you can order the sands sticker from the website for your notes-if you go to the "shop" and then the "health care professionals" section you can order them there (they are free)- might save you some hassle if the hospital aren't particularly quick at getting them in.

littlestar I had a similar problem to you, I didn't want to go back after my four month maternity leave, I think the main reason was I wasn't going to return after Ophelia was born. I wanted to be a SAHM. Going back was tough, people cried, told me they couldn't talk about my baby as it made them cry. I had very black days where I just had to go home. Its been about 18 months now of full time work, I'm lucky that my supervisor can be very sympathic and let's me go home when I'm finding it tough.
Do you have a H.R department? Would talking to them help you?
Were you planning on going back to work or did you want to be a SAHM?
If your not happy have you thought of changing jobs?

Hi,

Green you poor thing, the mind can do such awful things. I don't have anniversary/birthday experience yet, but my mind does occasionally (more so at the beginning) go back to the hospital and it feels so real and scary and just hideous. Do you have anything that you usually do to calm you down? I find I am worse when I have time too much time to think so try and keep busy (but doing easy non tiring things). Nightmares are tough too, it is exhausting enough in the day dealing with the grief, but to get no respite at night makes things that much harder. Do you manage to fall asleep ok? If not then I found a warm bath and a milky drink (and herbal sleeping pills but not sure you can have those when pg) helped me get off. Unfortunately I haven't found a good trick for keeping me asleep or getting me back off post nightmare. Thinking of you and Merryn lots at this time. YAY to kicks though, I hope they brought a smile to your face.

Elly only 7 sleeps now. I hope this week passes quickly and easily for you.

Duckling how are you today?

Rainbox hope the UTI is clearing now.

I wondered if I could ask advice from those of you who have gone back to work. I am really struggling. I went back part time in Jan (4 mths off) and am now full time. The background is that I really didn't like my job before i was pg, nothing major, just felt like I didn't really "belong" and the work was slightly stressful/dull in equal measures. Unsurprisingly the work hasn't changed but a job that I found difficult before is now almost unbearable. I have been lucky that they have been supportive but i feel like my goodwill is wearing thing now. I am working from home this week (having decided that I couldn't face going in) and that is a little more bearable. The commute into work is unpleasant at the best of times so taking that out of the picture helps. I also feel so lonely at work, I feel like F is the elephant in the room that we can't talk about (I'm not sure i want to talk about him at work, but I don't want to feel like I CAN'T-does that make sense?). Bizarrely I feel less alone when I am at home on my own, I feel very lonely when I'm with people who don't get it/I can't talk to. My colleagues are nice enough, but just colleagues, there is nobody i am particularly friendly with (2 very good friends and colleagues left just days before F was born). I just don't know what to do. I'm considering asking to work from home every day for the next 4 -6 weeks or so while I build up my work load and confidence (have lost all confidence in my ability to do anything at all). I think my other options are reducing my hours (we could probably afford for me to do 3 days for a couple of months) or just getting signed off sick. I feel like I cope ok (ish) when not at work but the whole work thing just tips me over the edge. I don't know if how I feel is normal, or if I'm being melodramatic or what the best thing to do is, should I just try and go in 5 days a week and recognise that it will be awful for a while but then hopefully get easier? If I'm honest I thought things would be easier for me work wise by now, but they are not.

Apologies for the long post, but if anyone has any experience or advice they could pass on I would be really grateful, thank you.

xx