Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

lemonsherbet I took your advice and have made an appointment to see my GP and ask for a different psycologist. I will feel really awful as she is a lovely lady, but honestly I dont think she's made me feel any better in fact quite the opposite. All we seem to have done for the past few months is identify past traumas and not concentrate on the current (and most awful) one :( Cant believe your in-laws forced you to go out and celebrate your bday, honestly it is unbleiveable how insensitive people can be. And someone saying that you lost your baby cos of stress, that is so out of order. I now have a 'before' and 'after' list of people and Im afraid quite a few of them have been so unfeeling towards me/us that I no longer feel I want to keep contact with them. Maybe in the future I will see things differently but for now I feel different...much less tolerant and less able to take other people's c**p. Is that normal?

Star ok now I understand the hairwashing thing :) The what-ifs in our case are many because it is pretty clear that things were not done correctly at the hospital. Also I know that if we had taken different decisions then things might just have turned out differently and I can never forgive myself for that. I feel like I didnt give Alexandra a fighting chance (even though I didnt realise at the time that anything was wrong), I simply limited myself to doing what the doctors told me to and didnt questions their decisions. How can you ever recover from knowing that your own decisions could have been a death sentence for your baby?? It is driving me mad with guilt, DH says we need to just put it behind us and learn from our mistakes (basically never trust the doctors again) but I just cant, I relive it constantly.

Yes we have a garden and being able to sit out a bit or potter with the plants has helped to keep me sane (or as sane as I can be after this). After the depressing visit to the beach on Saturady we decided to go do a bit of hiking, get some fresh air. We did the climb up to a little shrine which is at about 1500 feet, it was a lovely walk up but whne we got up there it was full of police and a rescue helicopter..a young lad had gone up there and thrown himself off and they were recovering his body. Just what we needed to end the weekend nicely. Poor lad, at that age what he must have been going through to want to end it like that :( Makes you realise that there is always someone else suffering just as much if not more than yourself.

Owlina thanks for the welcome, so sorry to hear about your little girl, three days is just not enough time to spend with your precious baby she should have been with your for life. Im glad you were even slightly helped by the inquest and know that there is nobody to blame. In our case everything points towards negligence, the hospital even told us that "everything was normal" in the autopsy report when we have later discovered after getting a second opinion that everything was far from normal. We dont know if we are strong enough to go down that road right now, and apart from the emotional cost the financial cost would be enormous. Good luck with your ovulating!

Fanjo I'm so sorry you lost your little Ophelia, there is no wonder you sometimes have morbid thoughts and imagine it must be totally normal to have them. I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster you must be on and I hope you have good support around you?

Sorry I dont know you all yet but big hugs to all xx

Hi all and a sad but warm welcome to all the new people on here.

Sorry not to name check but just quickly wanted to say to owl - your story is almost exactly the same as me. Ben died in November starved of oxygen at birth and was born still. He had IUGR (growth restriction). We too took 18mths to conceive and were about to start hormone injections for IVF. Ben was our first.
I too have been using clearblue (constantly holding out for our rainbow too) and used for first month just gone and got Highs every day and never peaks..... I'm waiting for af now - day 33 with a negative hpt so not pg (sadly).... Keep me posted with how you get on! I believe that some cycles you can have AF without actually ovulating - which is a blow for us all. I had a miscarriage in march at 11 weeks to add more hurt to my journey and we have not conceived since even though everyone I know it seems keeps telling me I'm so über fertile and it will happen this month... Well I'm still here! Take it easy and go gently on yourself - I'm going to keep using the monitor for a bit anyhow.

Hugs to everyone xx

Hello ladies, sorry I've been quiet of late, this pregnancy is a real blessing but a hard one to bare sometimes. I've been having very morbid thoughts about my own death aswell as this babies.

Anyway, a sad welcome to the new comers, sorry not to reply to you both individually. I hope you find the support you need from this thread as I have over the two years I've been here trying to get pg, through two miscarriages this thread was my salvation.
My DD1 was stillborn two years ago from a true knot in her cord, her name was Ophelia. I'm currently 17 weeks pg and on a rollercoaster of emotions.

Hope everyone is well, waves to lemon how's you this week lovely?

Hi all, sorry to see new faces on here. Hope Rainbox and Lemon are getting on ok, thinking of you everyday. Also thinking of star and kleine especially. Wave to everyone else.

A sad welcome to miss and zen. I had my daughter in September. She was starved of oxygen during the birth and died at 3 days old. miss your story in particular made me and mr owl cry. You have been through so much. It took us 19 months to conceive our daughter and we were told we might need IVF so it was a miracle to us. We have a little idea of the upset of infertility, so i can't begin to imagine how you must feel. You really believe after all the waiting and being happy for everybody else that finally its going to be your turn.... Life can be very cruel.

I know it's hard to believe but it does get easier to manage all of these feelings. To begin with, me and mr owl went out of the house every single day to do something. It made us get up and shower and get dressed and talk to people and function. For me, going back to work was a key, it was very hard, but it gave me a focus, as i do love my job. I think in some ways it just gets easier to think about other things. I don't think i feel any less pain or upset actually, but it is not constantly there right in the front of my brain. I think of my little one every single day, but it's more managable. The process of the inquest helped us too, although i'm not sure if these are only for live births. For us it helped absolve us of the guilt we felt, and recognised that although there was a narrative verdict, that no-one was to blame for our daughter's death. It happened. No-one could have predicted this. I know not everyone is able to say this unfortunately, and i feel very sorry if this is the case for any of you.

I know how you feel about the 'jealousy' too. I was lucky enough to have some time with my daughter, but seeing all the babies and families enjoying the sun you can't help thinking what should have been. I feel more jealous of the pregnant ladies (not the ones on here!) as just wish that was me. star, we similarly live in a place great for bringing up a baby, and feel a little meh about it now. Keep on saying we should move back to a city but we are still holding out for a rainbow.

Have been using the clearblue monitor this month, but AF arrived today. Think we will give it another go tho, as didn't get a peak, but many days of high. Lots of online anecdotal evidence saying this can happen first month, so want to carry on trying it out. Fingers crossed i am ovulating! Anyone else with any experience of this? Can you keep having AFs with no ovulation? Prior to my DD i was not having any AFs so then knew i wasn't ovulating, but felt now i am having them things must be working? Sorry if this is tmi for some of you!

Thinking of all of you.

Hi Zen one month is such early days, I could barely get out of bed and I didn't go back to work until 4.5 months and even then I struggled. The grief is so all encompassing, I know it doesn't feel like things will ever get easier but they will, it just takes time. Waiting for that time can be horrific and I think part of us doesn't actually want to get past the pain anyway. As Lemon said, the grief and sadness will always be with you but it does get easier to cope with, it doesn't mean that Jack is any further from your thoughts or your heart. I'm now 8.5months away from losing my little boy and I think about him all the time. I hope today is easier for you.

Miss acupuncture just makes me wash my hair because I don't want the lady to thnk I'm a total slob! The "what ifs" are so hard, I'm sure the acupuncture didn't have anything to do with the implantation but I know that me saying that wont stop the thoughts and if going back would make you worry then it certainly wouldn't help with the anxiety. I also find it very hard to see mums and babies and somehow the good weather makes it worse doesn't it? Where I live it is baby central (great when you think your baby will be here with you, but pretty c**p when your baby has died). Do you have a garden? Can you sit out and feel the sun on your face but in the safety of your own home? I really hope today is a bit better for you.

Lemon thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.

zen I think it is normal. We often reach out to those who we care for and trying to phone your mum who is no longer with us can be quite normal at this stage. I remember the empty gnawing grief that is there especially for the first few months. It does slowly get better. There is always a hole missing but you learn to live with it. Be kind to yourself. We are here to hand hold. The funeral is always difficult. In my case my in laws insisted I went out to celebrate my birthday that had been a couple of days previously. I think because they did not hold him they do not accept that it was a baby. But I would of found the funeral hard even without that. It stirs up a lot of emotion, the other thing I found especially hard was the postmortem results appointment.

miss there is no local SANDS group in my area and the nearest group was a 30-40minute drive away. They do have an online forum, which you may find useful. If the psychologist is no help is it worth talking to your GP and asking if they can refer you to anyone else. There is also CRUSE the charity that specialises in bereavement, it may be worth talking to them. With regards to anxiety in pregnancy it is really hard. I think many of the ladies on here will testify that the next pregnancy is very difficult and that it is a case of taking it one day at a time. I know accupuncture is sometimes used for infertility and it may of helped you conceive. It will drive you crazy if you keep thinking was it something I did. I remember people saying that I must have been stressed and thats why mine happened. It took someone pointing out that people in 9/11 were pregnant and did not lose their children, for me to realise it was rubbish. I hope you are having a better day today, but we are here for hand holding.

Waves to everyone else, especially fan and also little. Hope you are having a good bank holiday weekend.

Star - dont worry your message didnt sound in the slightest bit patronsising. Thanks for the advice about relaxation. Glad to hear you find acupuncture relaxing, I am a bit undecided about it. I went for 8 sessions before our last try and apart from totally "curing" a problem I had with my back, I got pregnant so I wondered if the acupuncture had had anything to do with that. But now I know that the reason we lost our little girl was a problem with the placenta, and according to the specialist we went to see the other day a problem right back at implantation stage...I'm now wondering whether the acupuncute had anything to do with the embryo not implanting properly. So many unanswered questions arent there? Maybe I'm being a bit thick but why does acupuncture make you wash your hair?

Today we went to the beach, it was gorgeous and with the sound of the waves and the heat I thought I would be able to unwind a bit. Ended up just laid there crying as there were so many couples with their small children having a lovely time...I feel so awful saying it but they just make me so sad and envious that I dont want to see them, so we came home and I just went to hide in bed for the day :(

You're right about the psycologist being unhelpful - I sort of imagined that I would be able to go there every week and just talk and talk about Alexandra, but she has wanted me to talk other stuff and we hardly ever mention her. Wierd, maybe she has no experience with this sort of loss and doesnt know how to help me. I know there are psycologists specialising in child loss but I cant afford that right now and have to go with the one on my health care.

Zen - so sorry to hear about you losing your precious Jack. It is so recent for you, I can remember so well how I felt only one month down the line. Its 5 months since we lost Alexandra and Im afraid I dont have any advice for you because I'm still feeling more or less as you are now - totally out of touch with reality - just drifting from day to day in a haze of pain and isolation. I think just writing it down on here and knowing that the ladies who read/answer know exactly how you are feeling is one of the only things that can help right now.

Hugs to all

Hello ladies
Just felt like needed to come on here an write my feelings down so sorry for the me post. Yesterday was the one month anniversary of our angel Jack, no time at all really but in a way feels like a lifetime of pain. This week has been so hard I'm still off work but have struggled to pick myself up. Today I should be 28wk an I can't help thinking what should be an not what has happened. My little boy didn't get to experience any of our world and I can't help forgetting than not pregnant anymore then if keeps slapping me in the face.
I just want my baby an the baby brother my daughter should have had. In 10 weeks I would have had him here with us an now I have this massive empty space.
I felt loss with my mum 2 years ago an so the emotional rollacoster unfortunately is familiar however, losing my baby so far on an burying him brings a whole other heap of Carl to deal with. I feel like losing myself, my confidence and direction. I also feel like I'm drifting with reality as twice this week I've gone to ring my mum!
Once again ladies sorry about the me me me I just had to get it down xx

I didn't mean the above to sound patronising, obviously it won't completely rid you of anxiety, but just relaxing things to do that might distract you for an hour or so.

Hi, sorry I didn't see your reply until just now. Psychologist sounds pretty unhelpful.... It can be so hard talking to friends when they have no idea what you have been through and it is very isolating, hopefully being able to talk to us lot will help a little bit.

Re anxiety and relaxation, I'm a pretty anxious person myself so can struggle with things like that. I have recently started acupuncture which I find fairly relaxing and it is also meant to help with periods/cycles/fertility etc (it also makes me wash my hair!) another option I have considered but haven't tried yet is meditation, my dad googled it for me and it seems like there are some Buddhist centres that offer free meditation once a week, not sure if that is your sort of thing or if there is a centre near where you are. The appeal to me is that you don't have to talk to anyone. My other tip is yoga- although the classes near me are drop in ones so if I don't feel up it or can't be bothered then I just don't go, sometimes I need to be encouraged/forced to do things.

I hope your weekend is bearable xx

Hi Star,

Thanks for your reply. So sorry to hear your lost your little boy, you are not much further down this awful road than I am if you lost him in September. I'm glad you are having some ok days, for the time being I'm only having ok moments. Like when I first wake up and for maybe a couple of seconds I dont remember, then it all comes rushing back.

I have been seeing a psycologist since January, but to tell you the truth I dont think its done me much good. The only conclusion we have reached is that I had an awful childhood...and I didnt need to pay anyone to tell me that. On the other hand it was the only thing that forced me to get out of bed and dressed once a week during the first months. Unfortunately I dont have access to the Sands groups, and gradually I'm getting more and more uncomfortable talking about it to the few friends I find sensitive enough to listen...I can almost see them thinking "oh no she's going to start crying again". I know how bad it makes them feel, and I totally understand their discomfort.

We have more or less decided to have one last try, although our resources (financial and emotional) are at breaking point. I am simply terrified firstly that it might not work, which means I have to face a childless future. And secondly that the same might happen again if i DO get pregnant. I have no idea how to control my anxiety...has anyone got any tips that dont involve medication?

Hello and hugs to all xx

Hi missalexandra I'm so so sorry that you find yourself here and to hear about your beautiful Alexandra. My son was stillborn at 27 weeks in September last year, he was very much wanted and loved and I miss him terribly every minute of every day.

I felt very lost and alone in the months after he died, like you I felt like nobody understood, but I have found the ladies on this thread very supportive and my local SANDS meetings have also helped enormously. Have you tried your local SANDS group? do you have access to counselling? I'm sorry that your family don't seem to understand that you will never get over your grief of loosing Alexandra and 5 months is certainly no time at all, I was still very much struggling at that point. I am now 8.5 months down the line from loosing my little boy and find that I am having longer periods of OK days between the bad days, it does become more manageable despite having days and even weeks when you feel like you will feel like this forever. I understand that you feel you don't have much time to try and conceive again, I think most of us, whatever our age and position feel the need to try and conceive as soon as possible. It is a sad fact that grief will always be part of our lives now.

I'm sure some of the other ladies will be along soon to say hello and offer any advice. Take care, and we are here for you x

Hi Babyh thank you for thinking of me

Lemon hope you are managing these last few weeks and the docs agree to what you want, thinking of you.

Thinking of Elly, Kleine, Green, Rainbox, Fan and Blizy, hope you are all ok, it's been a bit quiet on here recently. to everyone else x

Hi Ladies

I've been lurking for a while, not had the courage to write till now. Your stories give me hope that there is some light at the end of the tunnel, you are all so brave.

We lost our longed-for little Alexandra at 34 weeks on Xmas eve and it still feels like yesterday. We have been trying for over 7 years and after 7 fresh cycles of IVF, numerous FETs, 3 miscarriages and one cervical pregnancy we finally thought the time had come to hold our own little miracle in our arms. I had an uneventful pregnancy, we had had DGP done, she was perfect in every way and we were 3 weeks away from our planned c-section...yet she arrived sleeping.

Did/does anyone else really feel like they are losing their grip on reality and have been plunged into some sort of parallel universe where NOBODY understands how they feel? Honestly there are days when I think I might just lose it and start screaming and never stop. Either that or grab a huge kitchen knife and start making someone pay for allowing my little girl to die (we were let down badly by the hospital). Hubby, family and friends seem to think I have used up my accepted grief period (5 months) and I should not even be mentioning "what happened".

Oh and to top it all I'm now 47 so dont have the time to allow myself to heal slowly. If we are going to try again it has to be now. Are there any other "mature" mums on here that have lost babies and gone on to have their rainbow baby?

Thanks for listening and big hugs to all of you

You lovely ladies dropped off my list! Meaning I haven't posted here for a while!
A very sad but warm welcome to all the newbies and their precious angels! Big hugs to all

I lost my DD2 almost 2 years ago in June at 20 weeks pregnancy. She had a chromosomal disorder called triploidy which is incompatible with life.
I now have my very beautiful rainbow baby Lotta who was 6 months last week, and of course the biggest bestest sister DD1 :)

Google: How are you? I'm so sorry I'm only just getting chance to catch up on the thread. How are your children doing? DH and I talked about things that may help. Firstly, we had our own little balloon funeral.....just the 4 of us as a family. I didn't allow my 2 children to go to Adam's funeral.....they were already completely devastated by his death so I thought seeing his tiny white coffin might make things worse. (they were age 6+8 at the time) So we all picked a different balloon and each of us wrote a message that I told them would float up to heaven.
Also when we came home from hospital we put his photo up and talked about him in our every day conversation straight away.....the last thing they need is to think if something happened to them they would be brushed under the carpet and never mentioned again, you see, deep down they are really desperately scared for themselves but don't say it.
I know each child is different and your experience up to now could be very different to mine. Theres no right or wrong and we all muddle through somehow. Hope your having a 'good day' today xxxxxxxxxxxx

Mias: Will be straight on to 'Mothers Instinct' as soon as I have finished posting and will spread the word. Finn sounds like he is turning into a little character. He is absolutely gorgeous! xxxxxxxxx

Star: Thinking of you. Hope your doing ok. Praying every day you won't be on the TTC journey very long xxxxx

Lemon: Not long to go until your appointment, I hope they induce you early. Push as hard as you can for what YOU WANT. Either way....i'm so pleased your almost there xxxxx

Sorry I haven't had time to name check, sending love to everyone I've missed xxxxxxxx

Sorry to the new ladies......that should read I am 14.5 weeks pregnant!

Hello Ladies,
Hope you are all ok. Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm struggling for time now I'm back in work but I'm thinking of you all.

Padawow: A warm but sad welcome, I'm so sorry you find yourself on this thread and that little Felix isn't here with you..it's so sad there are so many of us. It's lovely news that you are expecting a rainbow baby FX all goes well for you. My beautiful boy Adam was stillborn at 38+4 on 4/7/12 just 5 days before my planned section. We went to the hospital because I didn't feel right after a period of reduced movement followed by a change of pattern but our chubby baby (almost 9lb) was already gone when we got there :(
I'm currently weeks pregnant with a rainbow baby and terrified it's all going to go wrong again. Like you I also have 2 other children too xxxxxxx

Zen: Another warm but sad welcome. It's so incredibly tough in those early days of grief........I analysed everything after my little boy died I think everybody does in those early days of grief. I'm so sorry to hear about your gorgeous Jack, life is just so incredibly unfair at times. Please don't feel guilty about wanting a rainbow baby......that's how all of our stories began. (Mine is just above) The lovely ladies on here will hold your hand on this journey xxxxx

More to follow................

Hi padawow and Zen, I'm sorry you find yourselves here but hope you find the support you need. Padawow I'm not surprised you feel scared, I think that whenever I am lucky enough to be pregnant again I will find it tough. I smiled when I saw your son's name was Felix, my DH loves that name! I hope this pregnancy goes well for you.

Zen these are such early days for you, the emotions are all over the place and confused and conflicting, as Google said, having another baby won't take anything away from Jack or how much you love him.

My little boy was stillborn at 27 weeks in September, he was a big boy at 2lb2oz but a problem with the cord meant that he just couldn't get everything he needed and he stopped moving. When he came out he was just perfect in every single way with wnderfully soft skin and looked so much like his daddy. DH and I ae trying for a little brother or sister but 6mths of trying with no luck so far.

Google I know what you mean re posting and reading, I tend to do the same. I hope you slept well last night.

Hope everyone else is ok xxx

Star - meant to say thanks - I'm doing ok. Some good days and some not so. On good days I tend not to be on here, and on bad I tend to lurk rather than post. Off to bed now, otherwise tomorrow will be a bad one just from being tired!
Hello to everyone else, hope you're all ok.

Hello padawow & zen. I'm so sorry to hear about Felix & Jack. I'm very new on here - my son Eddy was born at nearly 36 weeks nearly 7 weeks ago. Like padawow's son, he died due to a placental abruption.

Congratulations padawow, hope you're feeling well & will be praying for the little bean :), and also that you can manage not to worry (I can only imagine that combination of fear and hope, must be v difficult).

Zen, you sound like you've had such a run of hard things to deal with, i really feel for you. I can relate to the feelings and thoughts you described, my thoughts seem to have stopped going over and over the same things quite so much in the last week or so - they still do, but there are gaps of time where I'm more like my normal self. Please don't feel guilty - I know we all struggle with that, but wanting another child totally doesn't take away anything from your love for Jack.

Hi ladies I just wondered if I could join? I recently (4weeks on weds) gave birth to our gorgeous baby boy Jack at 23 + 4 weighing 1lb 10oz, as we had found out that he had severe dyplastic kidney disease in both kidneys amongst a couple of other things. We are still devastated as you ladies all know to well and i am constantly thinking about what should be now, but in the back if my mind i really want us to try again and get our rainbow baby. i just dont know as i feel torn all the time as i dont want to take anything away from jack but we had a miscarridge before our daughter an our daughter was in icu for a month after birth so we are quite real that everything doesn't always or ever go to plan for us and kind of am desperate to get on with things. My daughter is 3 would have been 3 an half when baby was here and to us that was a perfect age. I just feel so out of control with it all and don't know how I would ever deal with being pregnant again? I have so many thoughts an feelings guilt being a huge one at the moment but don't know how to direct them.

Hello all,

This is the first time I have written on this thread... although I have read it often. Your all pretty amazing ladies.

Today we found out I am pregnant again (pretty amazing considering we only did the deed once this month). Our little boy Felix died at birth due to placental abruption at 34weeks in November of 2012, poor little man. He was 5 lbs 11 ounces, so not a teeny tiny baby and looked just like his two older brothers.

So this news is pretty unexpected but not undiscussed. We've talked it round and round in circles since he died. I am feeling shit scared but totally elated. I am really praying if something has to go wrong it will happen early, I really don't know how I will bare it if the same was to happen again. Will have to get an early scan in a couple of weeks, I have a history of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy.

Keep my bean in your prayers. You are all in mine.

xxx

Hello all, and welcome to the newer 'faces' here. In case you don't know my story, my beautiful red-headed daughter, Mia, of 13 months died very unexpectedly in October 2011. We now have her rainbow brother, Finn, who was born in December and he is a delight.

amiasmummy your name made me smile, because our daughters' names are so similar. lemon 35 weeks, don't these last few days take forever?! You are nearly there, and your rainbow is almost here to meet you. fan wow, 16 weeks and sounding good! owlina I found using the CBFM and temp charting, along with FertilityFriend all very useful - although the lack of spontaneity in ttc was a bit challenging.

Finn is lying beside me, cooing and chatting. Although he has discovered a high-pitched scream, just like Mia had, which he is practising at every opportunity. And he has learned to grab - absolutely everything!!

I just wanted to let you know that there is a new website up and running called Mothers Instinct, a group of which I am part. www.mothersinstinct.co.uk Mia's story will soon be on this site too, along with a case study of the improvements I have been working towards with our hospital. The reason I particularly wanted to highlight it to you all because it has a section on there called Our hindsight, your foresight which is designed to help other parents if ever you have the misfortune to go to the doctor or the hospital with your child and you don't feel like your concerns are being listened to or acted upon. Given all your experiences, I know that there is already a lot of fear on here, but I am very much hoping that the advice can help you, rather than make you worry even more, by giving you tools and support, and encouraging you all to listen to your own mother's instinct. If you can, please have a look at this page, and encourage your friends with children to do so too.

Thank you lemon Belated birthday wishes for your angel. What is his/her name? Best wishes for your current pregnancy. Not long to go now!! (Although I'm sure it feels like ages for you)

Hi am 35 weeks. Have consultant appt at start of June to discuss if I should be induced early or not. This one is turning out to be a large baby. Know what you mean about movement. This one had an anterior placenta which cushioned most of the movements early on. Just take it one day at a time. I remember every day after 24 week that the survival goes up.