Fantastic Forty Plus, part 9, this time is our time,bring on the bfp's!

Before I moved out of London and up here to the East Midlands, I tried to get my neighbour to leave her abusive husband. I put her in touch with a local refuge, but in the end she stayed because she was so afraid of him and what he'd do to her parents. But she had 4 sons, and they were growinv up watching their father talk to their mother like shit, and knock her about. I can only imagine they will grow up thinking it's ok, and end up repeating the pattern. She was so sweet too, but all her strength and confidence had been knocked out of her. He HATED me cos I was giving her friendship and support and wasn't afraid of him.

I often wonder if she's ok.

I'm in France and had my daughter at 42. All very straightforward. Will be 45 in June and would really like to try and have another so we need to get moving! I know of lots of babies born to mums in their 40s and feel reasonably positive about trying and if it doesnt work out being able to be happy with my lot. My boyfriend cant really understand my urgency but luckily for me he got it when I said that if we were going to have a future he'd need to think about children earlier than he might like... Hope you feel better knowing you'll be seen on Monday.

DrWho women are fantastic, I honestly think so. My DC and I had to move into a womens refuge for a while, and the women I met in there were awe inspiring. So much strength.

Calibee I was thinking the same as DrWho...if you were in my vicinity I'd happily come with you. You shouldn't have to do this alone.

And grey hair....yup, me too! Grrrr.....

Wow Patches...and I thought I'd had it tough! Us women are an amazing and resilient bunch, aren't we?

Xx

My DP hadn't had a serious girlfriend til he met me (he was 28!). It was work, booze, shooting, fishing...girls! LOL. Bless him. He got a right handful with me, but we just clicked.

We only met because my friends literally dragged me to a local pub to see a band. And he only went there that night cos he's known the guys in the band for years...otherwise we would never have met. I generally don't believe in fate and all that, but we were clearly meant to meet that night.

Not sure his mother's too happy about his choice though, but his attitude is, it's HIS choice and neither of us can imagine being with anyone else now. Barring apocalypse (and we all know THOSE are rubbish LOL!) we're together until one of us keels over

Seriously? Nobody is willing to make the effort to bring you home from the hospital? You really shouldn't be doing this alone. Frankly, if I could get myself there I'd come with you for hand holding - I'd bring cake too

Calibee Yes, I love Stella...brilliant programme! I was smiling to myself and thinking of this little community of ours when I was watching it the other night!

Pink your story reminded me of my own, although I was with a very abusive husband at the time. He booked a sailing holiday in Gibraltar knowing I was pregnant...we were living in Germany at the time (forces) and had to drive to uk, drop DC off at their Dad's as they were off to Florida, and then drive to Gibraltar, through Spain. I had started bleeding before we left (I was about 10 weeks pg) but he still insisted on going. The drive was horrific, I bled the whole time and HE barely spoke to me, 2 days in the car.
It was supposed to be a 2 week course, but after a week on a stinking leaking damp boat I was so ill I asked to go home. I was bleeding heavily, and HE had made me climb the rock of Gibraltar in 100 degree heat...he put me in the car. drove me to Gibraltar airport, opened the door, threw my bag out onto the pavement, shoved me out of the car and drove off. He had no idea whether I had any money or anything. I must have looked a state, tearstained and bleeding, begging the staff to get me on the next flight home. I then had to get a taxi from Stansted to Oxford.

I stayed at my mums for a week (she didn't take me to hospital either) and then HE picked me up when he had finished his holiday. I was haemorrhaging on the drive back to Germany, passed out and was rushed into hospital. It ended in 2 blood transfusions, and the dr told me I had been very very ill as my blood was starting to be poisoned. I could have died and that didn't care!

Well, back to today. I am now either 13 or 14 dpo and did a frer this morning...BFN. I do feel like AF is about to show her face though, low down mild cramps and sore boobs. I guess the sickness was down to the ear infection after all .

Are we all prepared for the blizzards then?

x

Once again what you say is spot on. I had nearly 5 years of being single before meeting DP. I dated some right so n so's...even dabbled in online dating which nearly turned me into a right bitter and twisted old hag...I was very lucky to have gone out into town the night I met DP and he was out too (with his total player of an older brother)...I was more than happy to leave that whole dating scene behind me.
I'm sorry to hear you find it difficult to get out and about. I'm not really one for visiting people in their houses and my few friends are the same. I know they are there but we rarely get together nowadays. I'm a bit of a home bird I guess.
So my Mom just called and said she really didnt think she could collect me from the hospital on Monday...raaa. My sister will do it but it would be so much easier if I could just get a taxi (Iam literally 2 mins drive from hospital)...but they wont allow me to come home alone. May have to tell a few porkies there.

If it helps any, I'm 45 honey, and trying to conceive my first. Not my ideal situation, but DP took so long to turn up. I kissed so many frogs...and out and out bastards too, it has to be said!

I saw an article the other day saying that the cut off age for ivf has been extended to 42. Not that it helps me any, but it may give hope to some other women. However, in that article, some knob head male doctor said that this didn't mean that women should wait til their 40s to find mr right. What a douchebag! Nobody frikkin waits on purpose. I know I didn't. What's he suggesting, that women should have children with deeply unsuitable men which will mean more single parents, and kids growing up without proper male role models? What a complete arsehole. And my fertility is in the hands of people like that?

And worse...he's probably somebody's father...grrrrr!

What's cabin fever, LOL?! I've been quite (ok, very) agoraphobic for the last 9 months or so, so going out can be abit of a trauma for me. I wouldn't see anyone if my friends didn't make the effort to come and see me. Although, I'm ok if I go out with someone, I just can't do it alone at the moment. Pathetic, really.

Haven't seen Stella. To be honest, thought it might be a bit close to home .

Ha! Don't talk to me about grey hair LOL!

Wow Drwho that is so well put. Its so good to know that you are there and really have a grasp of how I feel.
I'm blessed that for some of the time at least DP is faintly in touch with his emotional side. He always says when he hears about women treated badly or some of things my ex did to me that he thinks about his Mom and his Sister and how he would feel if somebody did that to them. I can also fully get how it feels when they dont seem to appreciate the passing of each month without a BFP and their cut dry and onto the next month,,....whereas for us (and I'm sure you will all agree that time speeds up as we get older) its a huge amount of time wasted in the little that we may have left.
I was thinking when I first got my BFP in December that , ok I will be 43 and a bit when this baby is born. If it takes another year to get pregnant after this miscarriage and then 9 months on I could be near 45....gosh, thats scarey. I'm already aware that I can move my goalposts as they get nearer (my perogative lol) and I know deep down I will never give up ttc until my body does but I would much rather sooner than later.
Does anybody on here watch Stella on sky??? I swear Ruth Jones must have used me as a model for that lol...ok with a bit of drama thrown in for extra measure.
I am getting cabin fever trapped in the house. Have to decided to venture out with DD2 to look at a show home and then pop to Asda for some hairdye (grey hair is poking through raaa)

Crikey, that went on a bit...sorry

Morning ladies.

Welcome mumalah. I can't begin to imagine how awful it was to lose a DC at 2! What a trauma...

Wow Pink, I don't think I could have stayed with him after the mc after the holiday! How incredibly insensitive of him! Wow

Calibee, glad to hear the EPAU are getting you in, although Sunday must seem like forever to wait. I don't know much about the army, but I do know that, like you said, during basic training they own your ass. And I can sort of understand your DP not wanting to start again from week 6, cos it's REALLY hard. And, not that it makes it any easier, but I think that yes, men do find it terribly hard to engage with a baby before it is born, whereas obviously for a woman, that child is part of her from the moment she knows she's pregnant. I also think a man can feel when it comes to a mc that the baby is already dead and that therefore there is nothing he can do. And because there isn't the emotional connection between him and his unborn child that there is for the woman, I think they feel this is a normal reaction.

It doesn't make it any easier for you, I know, but men do (at least on the surface) seem to be able to move on a lot quicker than us women. Although that also may just be their conditioning to be "strong men". Personally, I find the whole 'big boys don't cry' thing ridiculous as it cuts men off from their emotions, and means that in situations like this there can be a big emotional gap between them and their female partners which can really damage otherwise good relationships.

As someone who wants to be a mother, should I fall pregnant with a boy (or indeed, at all!), I plan to bring him up to be a man I would want to date, if that makes sense? When I announced to DP that after all our efforts we were again not pregnant this month, he was all like "well, there's always this next month". It's so difficult to explain to him the devastation of NOT being pregnant, and despite telling him that it may never happen to me because of my age, I don't think he really 'gets' how hard it is each passing month that I'm not pregnant.

Sorry, didn't mean to end with a "me" bit, but I think it sort of illustrates my somewhat rambling point...

Thankyou isadorable please dont lurk....your posts have been very supportive x

pink that must have been dreadful for you....if I'm honest I'm not sure I would have still been with him after the post holiday one. I know DP would be here if he possibly could. If he was in anything but basic training he would have been allowed special leave...and possibly if he asked now he may still be given it but that would put him back on his training (if he misses anything between weeks 6 to 14 he has to start again at week 6) and that would be too tough. I guess I just feel the resentment of being alone and even though I know the practicalities of why I'm here alone the irrational side of me is stropping bigstyle!!!
So EPAU called back they can get me into theatre on Monday.....however they cant go ahead until they have confirmed with a scan themselves so I am booked in for Sunday morning.

You poor thing! I couldn't lurk in the shadows cos I can well imagine what it is like. My mum always says my boyfriend has been here before too! I bet your dp is wonderful and hope you can move forward stronger together. Focus on what's best for you. Will cross my fingers things get sorted out for you fast and you can then start to look forwards. Take care

calibee so sorry you are going through all this on your own. DP has no excuse. He should be there for you emotionally. My DP went off to walk the dog once during one of my mc as the blood was pouring out of me.
In July, after having a barney on holiday, I went straight to a and e from the airport, waited 7 hours on my win to be told I had a mmc. I rand DO to tell him and ask him to pick me up ,but he said no I've been drinking. Said nothing about the awful time I was havi g( I was 13.5 weeks) and eventually when I got home still said nothing. He is still cool about it as I had fallen out with his 18 year old, spoilt daughter on holiday. This was all he could talk about. No mention of me.

I love him dearly but think men are so different from women and struggle to make sense of things. I know he was heartbroken at the mmc but couldn't get past me upsetting his dd.

Don't despair calibee . He is young to understand all this mmc business and as the song goes, after all, he's just a man x

I feel so looked after on here...thankyou so much.
I have called EPAU...have to say I feel very brushed off. At first she said they cant do anything until they have the report from the private scanning facility...when I told her I already had that and read to her what it said she kind of stuttered a little and then said in a kind of annoyed voic "well I doubt it will this week now...I will have to call around to theatres and get the report faxed from Babyvision etc and see what I can do" at which point I dissolved into tears and told her the sooner the better and I would wait to hear from her...and put the phone down.
The torture continues.......

You're right morien my desire for a baby is stronger than this.
I have decided to cal epau this morning and see if they can bring things forward. I cant see the point in pro-longong things now .

CaliBee, I remember lying in bed during my MC, thinking exactly what you said in your last post - it was so awful, both physically and emotionally, that I told myself that I wouldn't be able to ttc again for fear of having to go through the same again. My desire for a baby is stronger than my desire not to have another MC though so in fact I was soon back on the horse without thinking about it. I really hope not to have to go through another MC...but I also know that if I have to, I'll survive. Anyway, the time for all that is later - for now concentrate on getting yourself through what's happening now.

Sorry, can't help with any info about managed MC as I was lucky (ha ha) and mine happened naturally - started spotting brown blood one evening and ignored it, but the next evening there was a bit of red blood so rang the gyne, went to see her next day & scan confirmed the worst. She made an appointment for me to have surgical management a few days later just in case nothing had happened - but I miscarried naturally that same evening. It was a blessing not to have to wait and wonder and try to make a decision - nature just took care of it, so maybe she will for you too.

Hello mumalah, welcome. So sorry to read about your loss of your little boy.

hopeful thankyou so much for sharing your experience of surgical management ...its certainly given me something to think about. Right now I just want it out...I dont care how. I want to be able to put the nastiness of the last few weeks behind me and be "me" again. I have thought about ttc again and I'm sure I will but the thought of going through this again is just too awful at the moment....however as we all know time is not on our side and I may just have to get back to it sooner rather than later. The ultimate goal is my hearts desire...the journey there is, however, another story.

I actually managed to sleep well but have woken early and had those dreadful few moments before realisation set in. I dreamt we were at a market and that DS kept asking me to look at other peoples babies in prams. I had a guitar in a binbag and was more concerned about getting home to try it. ???

Hi to mumalah...so sorry to hear about the loss of your little one...i cant even begin to imagine how hard that must be. Thankyou for sharing your experience of miscarriage. They are a lovely supportive bunch on here...god only knows what I would have done without them all over the past few days/weeks. I would have considered the medical management route, but here they like you to go into hospital to do it....I have worked at the acute hospital...people know my face, if I could have done it at home it would have been preferable to surgical.

Hello Ladies, May I join you all ? I have been lurking a while and also on the clomid thread. I am 42 and ttc #6. I have 20,19 ds, and 16,11 dd. The first 3 were from a previous marriage. My youngest ds passed away suddenly last year aged 2. We started ttc #6 when ds was 6 months(didnt want a big age gap) have been trying ever since and was given clomid in October last year to try and restart ovulation. I am pleased to say I ovulated this month, but af arrived today!

I'm sorry to hear whats happened Calibee. Not sure if this helps , at 8 weeks pregnant I had a scan, but there was no heartbeat, I was given pessaries to induce miscarriage, but this didnt work so had to have a d & c. Two months later I found out I was pregnant with dc5. Take care of yourself.

jbrd if he was past his basic training stage it would be different, but right now they seem to have some sort of ownership of him. Its even worse this week as he is on an adventure training course away from camp so not even able to access the welfare services. I think he has it in his head that they may take it as a weakness...on both mine and his part. Its hard to explain...I'm struggling with army mentality myself if I'm honest.

He is to be fair determined that he is coming down on Friday night...its me that is sceptical because of the weather. Plus if I'm honest I would be devastated to get my hopes up then be dashed if couldnt make it.....

CaliBee - please tell your DP how important it is that he comes to see you! Would the army not let him take time off, maybe? After all, this is a real medical (for want of a better word) situation...
Seeing and talking to you will help him to better understand what you are feeling and to be less detached. (I literally had to ram it down DH's throat how utterly destroyed I felt when my mc happened... At one point, I asked him how he was feeling about it all, and he thought I meant his work and started ranting away! Still don't understand how I did not kill him there and then...).

It's absolutely normal to be angry! And everything else, too. It's a roller coaster, and everyone reacts differently. Vent all that you want!

Once again...thankyou all for caring enough to give me your thoughts today xx