Fantastic Forty Plus, part 9, this time is our time,bring on the bfp's!

...thankyou all so much. xxx

Absolutely! Dont think you're hogging the thread - we're here responding cos that's what this thread is about... Supporting the ups and downs of trying to become a mum after 40 (some more fun than others!).

Don't be silly Calibee...the thread is a support thread, and yes, we're here to talk about ttc, but sadly miscarriage features strongly for women over 40 trying to conceive, so we're here to support you in your hour of need. We were all worried about JBrd going through hers the other week, and still worry about Sparkly and all she has going on (poor thing)...this is a place to vent, and you have been doing that which is good. Especially as you don't seem to have too much RL support at the minute.

Am I right ladies?

I'm really sorry it went this way for you Calibee and you have to go through so much sadness and pain. But as you said earlier, if it didnt feel right, perhaps better now than having to face difficult decisions later. So hard though x

This thread belongs to us all calibee , most especially when we are going through a rough time and need to hog it.

We are all happy for you to be able to ventilate here x

I fear I may have hogged the thread a little ...I'm so sorry.
It is afterall a ttc thread not a "support calibee through miscarriage" thread.
Apologies x

Ditto to what newpatches said. My family are ace though they forgive me all my unconventaility.
I so wish DP was coming home under better circumstances. I was just remembering his last dash back at the end of October when I was ovulating....sighs.
I have the nastiest headache...I'm sure its stress and central heating.

Isn't it a testament to our spirit though, that despite having been through the mill here we are, still believing in love and the future? I too am happier now than I have been for a long long time. of course I have (like today) crappy days but they are just minor niggles (except for the BFN...that is a huge disappointment despite my brave face) and in all honesty I am fully at peace with myself and who I am. My 'bubble' consists of myself, my DC and DP...everyone else outside are inconsequential. I get a lot of flack from family (long and boring story), and money is really tight but life is gentle and calm for the most part.

Pink I would have been appalled at the whole cig thing too.

Calibee so happy for you that DP is coming home for the weekend to be with you. Everything will seem 100 times better once he's there with you.

xx

Have to say pink i may well have struggled to keep quiet on that one too.

We've all been through the mill!

Re the holiday, I was really dreadful to dp's DD. I had very bad antenatal depression and was advised by the psychiatrist not to go on holidays. But I didn't want to let anyone down as no one would then have gone. I was extremely irritable and snapped and said things that I had previously kept in. The problem with his DD was that she has been smoking with her mother since 14 and had told DP one w/e that she wouldn't see him unless he bought her cigs(at14). He works away and had travelled 4 hours every w/e to see her. So he bought her the cigs! I was and still am outraged that he would do this and questioned his parenting skills . He spends loads of money on her( with no thanks) gave her £1000 for her 18th...... The list goes on.

So it all came to a head when I saw her and being unwell I let it all out. Unforgivable on my part I know. I wrote her a letter last month to apologise for my behaviour.

The final nail in the coffin was on our way ho e, he bought, at her request cigs from the duty free. I ended up having a stand up argument in public( of which I am deeply ashamed) . This was why he did not come to the hospital with me. His DD said she never wanted to see me again, and who can blame her.

In my defence my behaviour was totally out of character and certainly down to my illness.

But it hurts badly that I got no support from him.

Delighted you'll have time together with your dp over the weekend Calibee. I think it takes a certain sort of person to want to have kids in their 40s and persevere when it can be so very hard. I am still an optimist despite all the knocks I've experienced and I think you need that curiosity and joy in living life to help carry you through the rough bits. Sounds like you have a life that makes you happy which is something money cant buy! I love being a mum in my 40s, it keeps me young, though it is tiring sometimes. Anyway, so many messages today, so much I can relate to but I'm busy working and dealing with a stroppy toddler so cant reply to you all. Thanks for the welcome, will try and post more often.

I'm the same. Had a really well paid, but stressful job in the City of London, a nice house etc., took voluntary redundancy, sold my house and have been renting up here ever since. Despite suffering badly with my mental health in the last year, I am in many ways a lot happier than at any other time in my life. Mostly, due to my DP and the fact that I have a relationship where I trust the person I'm with and don't feel like he's going to run off at the slightest difficulty.

Glad to hear your DP is catching the train tomorrow Calibee. There you were thinking that he wouldn't be able to get away, or that he wouldn't ask...see? Ye of little faith

I know that feeling...this time ten years ago I owned a largish house, 3 horses 2 cars...I gave it all up because I found out it was all built on lies.
I would much sooner have my tiny 3 bed rented house, my old greyhound, and my DP's and DC's happiness....off course an adorable little baby with his/ her Daddy's eyes would just put the icing on my cake.....raaa sniff here I go again.
Snow here too....I'm in my pj's and dressing gown. Finny the dog has been allowed onto the sofa (DP would have a fit!!!)to keep my feet warm
DP what'sapped me a bit ago saying he had a word with his sergeant and he is allowed to catch the train from Lancaster tomorrow rather than having to travel back to Catterick....so hopefully he will be here sooner rather than later.

Calibee no, there is never a good time, I am just trying to make myself feel better! I am also at my worst financially, and at the grand old age of 44 I should be well and truly sorted! £80 would be money well spent IMO for a detested chore, I loathe it.

Well, the snow is starting to fall again and it hasn't disappeared from the other day so I am fully expecting to wake up to a blanket of the stuff tomorrow. Just stocked up in Iceland so I can hibernate for the next few days .

newpatches seriously is there ever a good time.

Financially I am at my worst since becoming an adult and Dp being in army is not just as I would have liked it.

jbrd I had my the oven professionally cleaned before I moved out of my old house. They had hot tanks of something in the back of their van which they dipped the racks and trays in...came out like new. But it did cost me £80

DrWho...he lives alone. Both houses are privately rented, so I could go to the letting agents but from what I have witnessed he is VERY unstable. Looking out of my back door I can see his back door window and he runs up and down past it at high speed when he's 'on one', he screams abuse at his dog, used the 'c' word a LOT, and will screech things like 'it's all your fault, you c**t' but there is no one there!
He came to my house after he moved in and told me he was very ill, and the dr had not got his medication right so there is obviously a big problem. But I don't know how he would react if I spoke to him, or the letting agents etc...he would know it was me as no one else overlooks his house (we share a courtyard garden).
I've never seen anyone with him, just him and his dog.

Calibee thanks. I'm ok about it, if it's meant to be it will I guess. DP told me today that he is thinking about liquidating his company so perhaps this is not the right time anyway? Or maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better about it? If it's any consolation, as soon as I woke up after my mc I felt a million times better. I hadn't realised how ill I had been until it had all gone iyswim?

JBrd hello...(waves) are you ok? I have also heard tell of these people who clean ovens! Who in their right minds would do that as a profession??? It is one of my most hated jobs!

xxx

Wow even in the space of typing my last message the thread updated.
jbrd its really good to have the reassurance that you found the surgical route so easy. I would have still preferred to have done it naturally at home but the thought of waiting for weeks just is not fitting in with how I work. I did ask about medical management but when the nurse told me what happens and the fact that you still spend the day in hospital, I thought I may as well go the other route and hopefully (fingers crossed) all will be well and I can begin my turn of the corner. My bleeding/spotting is still very stop/start with no pain so I think it may be a long wait if I decided to do it naturally.

Gah...to the BFN patches

Blimey Sparkly. I don't know your DH, or you for that matter, but I have to admit that I find his attitude and insensitivity towards you appalling. I can't imagine how awful it must be making you feel, and how stressed at what should be a happy time. I have to say that if my DP was behaving like that, he would be no longer sharing my home until he had well and truly got his shit together. Maybe I'm really hard hearted, but you already have children, and now another one on the way, the last thing you need as a grown up in the house out performing the kids!

Nice to see you JBrd...there are people that clean ovens for you? Wow! I may have to find me one, cos it's one of those jobs that you'd rather rip your own face off than do, isn't it

Gosh Patches, that's a tricky one. How about the council? Do you think they could help you? Is there someone who lives with him, or who visits him that you could maybe talk to about it?

You girlies are so very lovely....and we have all been through our fair share of poo by the sounds of it. I for one am determined after Monday to get back to that "positive bubbly me" that seems to have been missing for a little while.

I have just got back from mine and DD2's little trip out...hair dye purchased , beautiful brand new houses viewed... oh and a Big Mac, large fries and vanilla milk shake mmm. We had a really good chat about all thats been going on. Its wierd but I realised that really right from the beginning things felt "odd" with this pregnancy...the symptoms that started strong but ebbed away just as they got going, the general feeling of pooeyness not illness or sickness just a drab kind of "urghhhhh" feeling and that refusal to look too far ahead. Maybe these are just the normal feelings of a 40+ pregnant lady who has overgoogled and listened to one too many know-it-alls (some on mumsnet...eeek) who could only spell doom and gloom for anybody in their 40's ttc, but I am beginning to realise that this time it just wasnt right. I would much rather go through this than have to make a tough decision in 10 weeks time or god forbid give birth to a very poorly baby.
I also got home to a beautiful bunch of flowers in my porch from my work colleagues...I'm surprised if I'm honest but very touched.
Keeping everything crossed for you sparkly I would hate to be in your position and I think you are extremely patient with DH.

Sparkly I'm sorry that your DH is still in that frame of mind. All you can do, I guess, is look after yourself and keep yourself steady and calm. This should be such a happy time for you.

AF hasn't arrived yet, so I'm not counting myself as totally out this month but I'm assuming I would have got a BFP on a FRER by now if I was pg? My usual cycle is 25 days, last month was 24 days...I'm never late although sometimes early. But I could be perimenopausal so who knows? The ear infection is a lot better than it was, the swelling and pressure has gone down but it still hurts, thanks for asking.

Having a bit of a crappy time atm. I have a next door neighbour who plays heavy metal sooo loudly, all day and all evening. But I don't want to speak to him about it as he has somesort of mental condition which makes him prone to violent outbursts, and we are frequently woken in the middle of the night to his screaming, abuse and filthy language. DP doesn't live with us yet, so I'm a bit vulnerable iyswim?

Also having a hard time with my mum (see stately homes thread), feel ill, the DCs are off school/college sick...bblleeuugghh...I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Must go and get enough food in for the next few days - we live in a village which gets pretty much cut off when it snows!

x

Gosh, it's busy on here! Thursday afternoon appears to be the time for Mumsnet, it seems

CaliBee - your EPAU sounds like mine, I also had to be very proactive to get things moving, they were happy to take the wait&see approach. Which is the last thing you want, you want the constant-holding-hands-approach. I would've had to wait until the 21st for my EPRC, originally, which would've been awful. I was lucky that the nurse I spoke to made an effort to ask around and found a surgeon that still had an open slot in the schedule the next day.
I can also 'recommend' the surgical management - like you, I wanted it to be over ASAP, and I wanted to know where I'm at and draw a line. After weeks of uncertainty, heavy bleeding, this really was the beginning of the light at the end of the tunnel for me.
I know so many people who had one or more EPRCs and then went on to have healthy pregnancies and children. For me, the benefits outweighed the risks absolutely.
I considered medical management -again, many positive stories can be found about it- but decided against it when I realised that basically they induce you. I had such a horrific experience when I was induced with DS that my immediate reaction was 'no way I'm doing that again ever!'

It's different for everyone, of course. But for me, it definitively was the right thing to do. I want to move on, I want to ttc again (well, eventually), I want to start healing.
One of the main benefits for me was that the bleeding stopped almost immediately after the surgery. Until then I had not realised how much it had been affecting me - the constant reminder of what is happening every time you go to the loo. I was amazed at how relieved I felt when it stopped. There was also hardly any pain afterwards.

It's such a sh** situation to be in, isn't it! Even more as your DP can't be there all the time. Wishing you lots of strength

Welcome to all the newcomers! May your stay here be short, but sweet

Some tough-love stories here, you are strong ladies! Makes me feel that I have had a very sheltered life (not that that is a bad thing).

I'm currently chillaxing on the sofa, while my oven is being cleaned by a professional oven cleaner, how decadent is that?! I had no idea that such people existed! Hoping that it'll be worth it and that I will be able to see my cakes again while they are baking.
DS is completely back to normal, still at home though because the childminder has a 48 h policy for sickness. We went for a long winter-wonderland walk this morning, in freezing but gorgeous weather. He's currently napping, good child Managed to move my manicure to tomorrow. Then doing a sugarcraft course on Saturday, learning how to make flowers. Trying to avoid thinking that I have to go back to work on Monday.
DH is going to apply for his boss's job that is being advertised. Is it bad that my first question when he told me was 'Can I stop working if you get it?' ...

Calibee, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I very much hope your DP is able to make it home to you this weekend, despite the weather forecast. You really shouldn't be going through this on your own. DH was working away when I started miscarrying, so I went through the worst of the bleeding/pain on my own which was pretty scary & miserable, and I think if he'd been there with me, he'd have understood better. He was back after a couple of days though. I think what Drwho said about men not being emotionally connected to their unborn children is spot on. And they don't always understand the time pressure on us, especially in our 40s, as it's not an problem for them. Hopefully you'll be able to talk properly to your DP this weekend, and also get your lift home from hospital sorted on Monday. I grew up in Shropshire, and I really miss it, if I was there I'd offer to come with you.

There are so many brave ladies on this thread. I was in a rotten relationship for a long time, but nothing like what some of you have been through. As usual, I'm in awe of your collective strength and bravery.

We had a night away at the weekend, which was lovely - we went to the seaside and Sunday was absolutely beautiful for walking along the beach. However DH has, as I expected, had a bit of a relapse - he still doesn't want the baby - "it's not too late do something about it" he said, even though he feels better than he did about it. He hasn't even asked how many weeks I am or when the baby would be due. He thought maybe it'd help me if I talked to someone - I'm not the one with the problem, if he was ok with it, I'd be delighted, it's him that needs to find a way through this. However, I'm still concerned about my lack of symptoms, and expect to be the next m/c on this thread. We've had a huge sort out of DDs room, we can see the carpet now, and there's loads of stuff that I just don't know if we're going to need again or not.

Remnant, how are you doing? Have you found a way to tell your DH yet? I hope all is well.

Diege, I hope your DD is on her way to being fully recovered, as others have said, 7 is far to young to start being bothered by our reproductive bits. It sounds like it was really scary though.

Patches, sorry about your BFN, your ear infection sounds horrible, are you properly recovered now.

Welcome Amberini, Isadorable, captivatingtears and Mumalah. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have lost your little boy mumalah.

I'm supposed to be studying - I'm way behind, must get some in before I have to fetch DD from school....

Hi,

Not been on here for a while but have just been reading through the last few pages and just wanted to send hugs to Calibee JBrd and everyone else that needs them. Calibee I can't believe how pants your EPU is being, that is rubbish and not what you need right now.

I've been taking a bit of time out, and probably will continue to for the moment. My due date was last week and that was really hard particularly as 2 people I know had babies last week one of whom is my age. I had another late period (3 days late) shortly before Christmas and had just started to get my hopes up when AF arrived, but hadn't tested so no idea whether it was another CP or not. AF was then 2 days early this month which was just weird, I'd had several short cycles immediately after the MC but it seemed to have got back to normal. I'm still trying to be positive though, as well as realistic - just hope there is a decent egg or 2 still left.

Hugs to all.