dear pregnant work mate spare thought before...

And yy to where the hell are the 1 in 7?????? Even all my schoolfriends who have married in the last year, at the age of 36, are all mothers or pregnant by now!

He will tell her, believe me. And if he doesn't, I will

Oh Ariel I think it will help to tell your sil, as you say, how could she know.

I've been relatively open with good friends and family about our issues (18m) as I really want it to be less taboo, and feel strongly it should be more talked about. Dh hasn't told his family, but as we are having ivf soon I am encouraging him to. It stops awful comments (though you get others once they know, which though well meant can be bad too!), as well.

But not if you feel uncomfortable.

Where are the 1 in 7??? In my life it's just me!!

But if it IS the case that there are all these infertile couples everywhere (1 in 7 have difficulty conceiving?), and that they do genuinely have no idea of the hurt they are causing, then shouldn't they be made aware? Just a little bit? Because yes, how can they have any idea if they think that deciding to have a child entails simply having sex, getting pregnant and then giving birth for everyone?

My DH is about to tell his sister that we may not see them at Christmas because we have been TTC for nearly three years and we are now finally at the top of the list for fertility treatment, which has coincided with my dad becoming seriously ill, my sister getting pregnant, and SIL getting pregnant. I think a Christmas with her, particularly if this treatment fails, could actually tip me over the edge. And she has no idea, because she has never been told- she keeps going onandonandonandon about her pregnancy and how excited her first daughter is etc until I could scream. Why hasn't DH told her? I don't know. Perhaps he's embarrassed at any imagined slight on his "manhood", even though we are Unexplained. All I know is I am sick of having to hide my distress and all I want is for people to understand if I am not around this Christmas because it's too hard.

Euro has hit the nail on the head. People generally don't talk about infertility and because they don't, people who have had no problems have very little idea of how utterly devastating and painful it is. I can't describe the misery of it. I haven't told people because it's not something I feel comfortable talking about, And I don't want faux sympathy. I currently have one colleague who is pregnant with her second, and it is all she talks about. I understand she's excited, but the scan photos, week by week size of bump updates, every possible symptom in great detail, etc etc is too much for me. I'm friends with her on fb and she's the same on there, she is a lovely person and I know that it hasn't occurred to her that she's being insensitive, why would it?

People don't intend to be insensitive, they just are not aware that their joy can be a source of heartache for others. I always smile and act thrilled and excited at other people's baby news. Ive been to baby showers, I play guess the weight of the baby in the office sweepstake, I contribute generously to presents for the new mum and baby. I swoon over scan photos, I ask questions. I comment on baby photos and pregnancy announcements on fb. I would never let myself act bitter and cold. But sometimes all I really want to do is crawl away and hide.

I think if people talked about infertility more openly, it would help. As somone said upthread, it is treated as a taboo subject. Consequently, most people who find it easy to conceive never consider what it is like for those of us who struggle or may never manage it.

The problem for the person who got pregnant easily is that they usually don't know that by complaining about their pregnancy to someone who is struggling with ttc, they are doing the equivalent of complaining about how much their diamond soled shoes pinch to someone who cannot afford to eat.

Oh no, she said it!

inadreamworld, you seem like a nice thoughtful person to me. Bluer didn't mean people like you I think.

Thanks Sinky. I just found this thread randomly but maybe I was meant to find it and think about being more sensitive to others feelings. My DHs Mum took 15 years to conceive him (her only child) in the days before fertility treatment existed. Another friend had IVF, it didn't work, then she got pregnant naturally. You never know what will happen and miracles can and do happen.

OP i've never been in your position but i have massive sympathy. it must be so hard seeing that everyday. i know you are aware that it isn't intentional on her part and yes i agree with you it is far better that you vent it all here than in RL when she's showing her latest scan pics.

take care. i wish all the luck in the world that you are in her situation soon.

inadreamworld please don't worry about it. I don't think any of us resent chatting about reasonable things like that. I have lots of chats with friends about the difficulty of timing number 2 etc. I quite enjoy it really.

Just don't moan it's taking ages if you've not reached 6 months ttc, even if it was easy last time . And don't moan about being fat. You're not fat. You're pregnant.

disclaimer for those hard of thinking. I am not suggesting inadreamworld would do anything like this. She seems lovely and thoughtful.

I am currently expecting 2nd baby and have got pregnant easily both times. This thread is making me think twice about some things I have said to people. I can understand the OP feeling the way she does and I don't think she sounds bitter at all.

I have a friend who has an IVF baby who took ages to conceive (and she wants another and not sure if it will happen) and it is making me think that some things I have said to her have not been particularly sensitive though we still get on great. We were having a chat recently and she was telling me about her latest holiday and I was talking about the cost of a double buggy. I bet she was wishing I would shut up about the baby and I was feeling jealous she had the money to go on holiday (and afford IVF) when we are struggling to afford 2nd hand stuff for the new baby.

I will try to think more carefully about the things I say in future, having or not having babies is such and emotional topic and they are all little miracles - I pray you have your much longed for baby very soon OP xx

LillyLovesLife - Whoops, I think you got lost on your way to Nethuns, it's that way -> it's fun, one doesn't have to think too hard.

Bluer - It can be a minefield of emotion, I empathise; I frequently wanted to lamp a very special snowflake who apparently was the first woman in the world to ever, ever have a baby so nobody else could possibly understand (rant alert!)
I wish you all the best. We got there, it looked like we wouldn't. We had a few years on you (which does not in any way meant to diminish how you are feeling - it's one of the few clubs that hopes it's members get out early!) and I found pragmatic acceptance (with the odd blub) kept me from insanity. Good luck for whichever path yours turns out to be.

Well of she can't say it here, where can she say it? Maybe "LillyLovesLife" thinks the infertile should go away to the Infertility section of MN so as not to upset everyone else.

Sorry purplemonster -the above should have been put in bold script - my mistake!

think most people just don't stop to consider other people's feelings and I think even if I get it wrong, at least I'm trying

Bless you purplemonster

Yowch. Just so we're totally clear, I would not really advise spilling a flaming sambucca over someone.

That would be crazy. As would the inability to recognise Internet ranting vs real life actions.

As you were ladies

I think part of the problem is that people don't talk about infertility. It's treated like some sort of dirty secret when the fact is a large percentage of us will experience it.

The pain and heartbreak you experience month in month out when failing to conceive is utterly unbearable at times, and can only be understood by those who have been through the same. People who complain about taking 6 months to conceive make me (2.5 years I to my TTC #1 journey from hell) want to scream/cry/commit ABH!

I empathise entirely with both sides of this terrible dilemma.
It took us over 6 years to conceive, finally first IVF was successful. But found it so hard in an office of around 900 people all with photos of their families - at least it seemed that every desk was loaded down with piccies!!!
The most difficult bit though was telling my colleagues that I was pregnant but the baby was ill. People are so pleased that you've managed to get pregnant, but what do they say when you don't know if the baby will make it?
Anyway, we were truely blessed. Our wonderful son was born, had a major op the day after and came home 2 weeks later. We now have a 4 year old who is the light of our lives . . . . . And I now quietly support other friends and colleagues who are going through infertility.

Oh Lilly, what a horrible way to respond to someone who sounds as if they're being tongue in cheek but also a little bit upset. A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss. You can be nice and point out the woman was probably just a bit excited.

There's nothing wrong with being a bit sad for yourself either, without it making someone bitter as if that's a terrible thing.

OP - does your work colleague also talk about her "baby holiday" like my tactless colleague who KNOWS I've been TTC for nearly 2 years.
Oooh, I feel better for venting that!! Thanks OP for saying the unsayable in RL

I really can see both sides on this, my boss has been through failed IVF fairly recently and is now looking into adopting in the future. Telling her I'm pregnant was one of the hardest things I've had to do as I knew how hard she would find it. There are other women in our office who are pregnant and their constant insensitive wittering about it upsets me on her behalf but on the other hand I now feel like I daren't mention it at all or say anythig which might be construed as alluding to my pregnancy which is difficult as I feel like I'm treading on eggshells, not at her request, I'm just trying to be sensitive about it but it does suck some of the joy out of what should be a really exciting time for me. I think most people just don't stop to consider other people's feelings and I think even if I get it wrong, at least I'm trying