Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

Massive hugs to mias. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Thinking of you and MrMias lots.

No I think being over due would be stressful, it's worrying enough as it is. If I don't go into labour when the stitch is taken out it will be a elcs for me around ds1s birthday.

This baby is due right in the middle of ds1 9/2 and ds2 16/2 but my stitch should come out middle of jan

My friend had a hb last time, she said it was a lovely experiance

Moomin you are doing ever so well too!

Yes planning on a home birth! The midwife is coming next Wednesday to go through it with us :)
To be quite honest, I wouldn't mind if the baby decides to come before it's due date... as long as it's not too close to E's birthday on 31st October...
Don't think I would cope very well if I would go overdue...

mias thinking of you all, stay strong xx

kleine I'm sorry you've had such hard news, I hope the ivf goes well and works for you first time x

green it was lovely to see little merryn, she's so beautiful looking at her daddy. It's so sad that she can't be here with you x

blue wow to the 32 days, were you thinking of a home birth or have I got that wrong? X

23 weeks today, viability in this area. I'm taking it as a good thing, the last few weeks have been very long and hard waiting to get to a stage where if anything happens he has a chance.

I'm now aiming for 29 weeks, anything after that will be an added bonus. You watch me go to term now, for the first time in 18 years!

Don't know if it's hormones but I seem to be crying alot this week! By rights I should be as happy as anything, the amount of hormones I'm on at the moment!

Oh mias. I honestly have almost run out of words. Your situation is so awful - it is so unbelievably sad that what happened to Mia could have been prevented, were the circumstances different - yet you are so... full of love for your little girl. I really don't know what to say except that I'm thinking of you so much today, and sending all my love. Oh, and that yesterday as I walked home, I passed the most beautiful, flaming red, trailing ivy - so I picked a leaf in memory of Mia, and it is sitting next to our photos of E.
I also very much agree with green. My DH is a doctor, and any time his practice has been questioned even a tiny bit, it has changed how he works. I truly believe that Mia's death will have impacted the doctors who treated her, as well as others who were more indirectly involved. Much love to you xx

green my love, again, so difficult to know what to say, as I know I can't help in any real way although I wish I could. How are you feeling today - physically, mentally?
Oh, the fear... as I don't have any other DCs to be afraid for, I'm afraid of DH dying, and leaving me alone, or of me dying and leaving him alone. He is the same.
I'm so sorry for your friend with cancer. What a terrible situation. Does she have family who would take care of her children, if the very worst should happen? Or would their father be involved? Oh, how awful. A parent without their child is terrible; a child without their parent is... unspeakable.

little thinking of you and hoping all is well.
babyh booo to AF... but yay! to CBFM
elly when is your 12 week scan? Must be soon!

Love to everyone else too. And thank you for the kind words yesterday. It's pretty hard. But we have no choice but to keep going, one step at a time.

babyh have you had a look at putting something temporary in place? We didn't want a traditional headstone and found a really nice lady who's designed us a small carved stone to go on Sterre's grave. If you have a look on FB, there are some pics on there.
Good luck with the CBFM! :)

Mias thinking of you, I read the article you posted yesterday, so heart-breaking! I'm hoping you get the outcome you would like, but if not, I'm sending you all the strength to deal with what you didn't want to hear x

So so tired! 32 days till my due date...

BabyH shame you ve missed Xmas. Xxx it's all money, money,money isn t it? Yeh to using your CBFM... Indeed you are totally screwed if you work..... I see plenty of pt's who don t & still get their free entitlement to 15 hours at a nusery for their child. Now, I know this benefits the child but it blows my head : if they re at home why shouldn t they take care of their kids.... Why do they need 15 hours off? This country is all the wrong way round if you work you pay for all the chavs not working... We don t get a penny in help as I earn " too much" however, to me working tax credits are suppose be in place to facilitate you working!!!!
Miasmum xxxxx stay strong xxx
Love to all weather crap here , last day at work ; whoop whoop to Monday xxxx

Notsosold: Nice to see you posting, hope life is being kind to you lovely lady xxxxx

Green: I couldnt stop looking at Merryn she is amazing and i just wish you had more time with her. I understand the fear we develop for the ones we still have because we realise how fragile life is now and I do it all the time.....worrying that the others may get snatched away too. I said a couple of days ago that the rainbow babies give us hope so please don't give up hoping that one day it will happen again. I can't believe what a brave brave lady you are, its so unfair you have to go through this crap :( Sending lots of love and virtual hugs as always but glad your having the RL ones from your beautiful boys xxxxxxxxx

Little: Hope your ok and the discharge is nothing to worry about. Hopefully its just something to do with implantation? Thinking of you tonight and sending you ((big hugs)) Take care xxxxxxxx

Kliene: What can I say except this is more utter unfair shit. God love I hope more than anything your beautiful 'E' has left you fertile enough to conceive a little miracle naturally. Please don't take that the wrong way and who am I to argue with the medical profession........i just want, hope and wish more than anything that you dont have to struggle because you've been through more than enough already. Thinking of you chick xxxxxxxxxxxx

Amy: Your never far from my thoughts either......sending lots of good vibes for your future rainbow xxxxxx

Angel: It amazes me how much money they screw out of those who work....its disgraceful it really is and you shouldnt have to pay more money. I bet you feel like telling them to F**K Off! I remember having to pay 2 lots when J and L where in at the same time and it was more than our mortgage I was going to work for hardly anything no wonder people end up giving up work when they have a family. Hope your sort a child minder out and it will serve them right if they lose your business xxxxxxxx

Fan and Blizy: Hope its your month....also not forgetting rainbox but I know your cycle is being unkind :( which Im very sorry to hear.

I finally got my AF today a whole 12 days late boooooooooo on the bright side i have finally started using the CBFM : )

Mias. Thinking of you and yours xxxxxx

Really tired so Im gonna give up typing now sorry if I missed anyone but had a terrible couple of days trying to organise a headstone. We really wanted it in time for his 1st Christmas but apparently we missed the 'cut off' date which was 2 weeks ago :( Plus they might as well have a mask and a gun the money they want is absolutely outrageous. Oh and the car broke this morning and cost £250 to fix! Hey ho its only money we would all live in a shed if we could have our angels wouldnt we!!!!!!!!!!!

Night nite xxxxxxxxxx

Stay, not say.

Miasmum (((hugs)))....

MIA'Smummy. I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. You are so brave. I think maybe even if things are not going to end with the closure that you might have had, things will still change. No professional could not question and change their practice after something like this, and even a small thing, a little ripple of conscience, could save another child, another family. You are shouting so loudly on behalf of Mia, in this inquest about justice, but also in other ways, like Mia's Wood, about love, and beauty too. All the love a mummy can give. She'll be right there with you. So are all of us, on your side of the room, right beside you, shouting for you and Mia. A bright light of love in a dark time. Much love tonight. Xxx

Thanks everyone for the lovely words, about Merryn, and also about what's happening. We knew when we decided to ttc again this might well happen, and we said we'd keep going through it. I think we will. I don't really think I have a way to say no.
I found out this week a lovely lady, a single mum of two young kids, has cancer. It doesn't look too hopeful for her. Nothing I can offer will be anything, but I guess I know a bit of what terror feels like, and maybe that can help me to say with her feelings, properly listen maybe, i dont know. Tonight I'm counting my blessings, and very aware that they are many, but they don't come with a guarantee. Life can be so shockingly hard. Tonight Dp is in London, and I've smuggled my little boy into the big bed. I need to feel him near me, he's so full of trust and hope and love. I am so scared for him and his brother sometimes.

fan thank you for your lovely thread last night.

kleine very tough news to deal with. IVF certainly puts your body through the mill, physically and emotionally.

Today was much harder than yesterday. MrMia and I are drained and resigned. Too much evidence and expert witness opinions to say that the choices made in Mia's care were 'reasonable', even though in retrospect, they ended up being the wrong decisions. Certainly, there are acknowledged mistakes and miscommunications, and there is always more that could have been done... So tomorrow we are likely to hear a verdict of natural causes. I always knew that the outcome we wanted would be a 50:50 chance. But I am not sure the inquest is going to bring any sort of closure or peace - but I didn't expect that. It's hard not to feel that Mia's death doesn't matter. It won't change anything. Except the lives of those who love her.

Thanks Elly & Blizy is a hell of an increase. Effective from 1st Dec ( my bday!!!) so awaiting confirmation of the new price ... Have sussed out my friend's childminder & will be about £70 a month cheaper so an option there if after the salary sacrifice still going to be worse off. The most annoying thing is our trust is in £30 million of debt as they financed a new PFI hospital ( that we didn t need but the government states all trusts have to have) so not only have our cost of living rises been on hold for 4 years , my incremental rises stopped 3 years ago now we ve been hit by a 10% increase in nursery fees!!! ( the nursery is through my work so co- owned by the trust I work for!!!!) life's a bitch sometimes!!!! [angry
Green your girl is gorgeous ... how are you? Xxxx
Kleine sorry you re having a crap time... So hope IVF works for you first time. Must be an added pressure for you .... We re here to vent , as I do often!!!!
Fan your thread is lovely : sad but lovely xxxx
Everyone at work is lovely but keep asking me about Georgie & what we did for her birthday it's so hard as coming up to celebrating Pheb's birthday feel guilty & sad that Georgie is again missing out ...
So sad that life is like this for us all
Love to all xxxx

Green - so sorry for the crap news. Keep going if you feel you are up to it. I know I would find it hard to stop and you have all the lovely ladies on here to keep perking you up and carrying you along. Merryn is such a darling!!

Kleine - sorry you had a bad day. Really hope IVF works for you and you get a little rainbow soon.

Angel - that's criminal. Don't they realise we are in a recession!!

Got everything crossed that this will be your month, blizy and fan.

We don't seem to be having a good time at the moment, do we? Had a swab done yesterday as getting funny discharge - results should be back by end of the week. Dr said he is referring me to antenatal clinic and just need to wait for them to contact me.

Hope everyone else is ok. Sending big hugs to everyone and any support needed, xx

Oh kleine, how tough, I so hope that you are blessed with another miracle before you start IVF again in Jan, or that the IVF is successful first cycle - we are all here to support you and for handholding, as you know xxx

KLEINE, bloody hell. Don't you dare say that woman. What you are going through is utter crap, and anyway, if it was some sort of 'crap competition' we'd all be getting a medal, sadly. I guess the only thing I can say is you ARE strong enough, you will cope, somehow, and all of us will help as much as we can. I know a bit about IVF because a very close friend has had all three (twins and a single) that way, and it's tough, but it works for lots of families, and gets them their babies.

Thanks for the comments about Merryn, it's lovely to show her off, doesn't happen much anymore, sadly!

Don't be silly poppet, you have had a rough day and knowing you are going to have to go thru all that must be very stressful. Is there no chance of another miracle?

Am still here - thank you both I am not sure that we would even want to go down the NHS route, to be honest... their success statistics are always much lower, and we do have the money to go private, at least at first. But obviously if it was offered to us on the NHS soon then we'd do it. I think it'd be a couple of years' wait, though (the lists are long around here), and so not an option at the moment. We are lucky... 'lucky'... that we can go private.

ENOUGH about me! There are far more important things going on. Thinking of everyone xx

Oh kleine, life is indeed shit! what a day you had to face. I Hope you can have the treatment on the NHS. Hope you are feeling ok? x

Kleine hugs lovely lady. Sounds like a difficult day all round. IVF sounds like a hard route. If it helps at all 2 of the ladies from my sands group had conceived the babies they lost through ivf and they are both allowed another 'free' cycle on the nhs. Happily one of them conceived first time again and is due in about 6 weeks xx

Oh I forgot. Any 'extra' fertilised eggs can be frozen and then can be used in future cycles. If there are too many and you don't use them all, you can ultimately choose to donate them to other couples who are unable to produce their own embryos. Which is a nice thought... I feel quite strongly about creation of life, and would want each and every embryo to have a chance. But that's a million miles away from where we are now. I want MY babies first.

Thanks ladies... We actually started our first cycle of IVF the month E was conceived (IVF takes place over two months, but I only did the first bit of it as we discovered that I was pregnant before starting the second bit!). Basically you 'down-regulate' your cycle one month, ie control the hormones at the end of the cycle so that the follicles can then be entirely controlled by the drugs. Then, once you've had your period, you inject hormones to encourage more follicles to develop than usual - it's a fine line, you don't want too many as that's dangerous. You have lots of ultrasounds to see what they're doing, and if several of them develop then they are retrieved (with you under a general anaesthetic, that's a particularly fun afternoon). Hopefully the retrieved eggs will be of good quality and will mate nicely with the sperm that your DH has supplied! Then, if any of the eggs develop enough after either three or five days, one - or sometimes more - will be returned to your uterus, which has meanwhile been prepared with other drugs so that it's a good environment for implantation. And after that, it's just like any other normal cycle - you wait and see...
Argh.

It's just so difficult anyway. And so damn expensive. We DO have some savings which we can use for two cycles, but after that then we'd have to borrow money. (No NHS IVF for us. We have had a live birth, so are almost certainly off the list . We are double-checking this but, well, guidelines are guidelines...)

Oh kleine, how difficult to have that to face too. As with fan, I'm not too sure exactly what it will entail other than injections and hormones and general not niceness for you in particular, as well as the stress. Did you go through IVF before you conceived E then, or were you about to start it? What a perfect miracle she was xxx

poppet that must have been hard to hear even if you were expecting it. I don't know the particulars of IVF, can I ask what it will intail?

Oh I have just looked on FB and I don't know where to begin commenting!!!! My goodness. All the candle pictures are so, so lovely.
green... Merryn is absolutely scrumptious, just the cutest little thing I've seen. I just want to pick her up and have a cuddle. I am so so so so so SO glad to see her, although I am even more sad for you now. But also so sad for her, knowing what a truly beautiful little girl she was, and how perfect and ready for life she was too. Oh bless her. Thank you so much for sharing xx
How are you coping with everything today? What has the hospital advised you to do, if anything? Well done for getting through yesterday... You are in my thoughts so much.

Now, as for me, if green (or anyone else) is worrying about me then I shall just say that, in a nutshell, we have been advised to go back to doing IVF asap. Not unexpected, as we already knew that E was a miracle, but stressful to have it confirmed. And I'm wondering how the hell are we supposed to cope with it, any time soon?! I know we will cope.. I know we will do it. Just, it's difficult, is all. In the absence of another miracle - it really is quite unlikely - we will probably look at first cycle of IVF in the New Year.
So, well, I know I said I don't swear that much, but apparently I lied... what a crock of shit, eh?