Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

Thinking of Mia today as I went for a walk and kicked through some leaves. Bet she'd have liked that. miasmummy please don't apologise for not namechecking etc, there are times when our own grief is so all consuming there just isn't the strength to face other people's at all. Wallow all you need to, and know that we are all there in spirit to hold you up. Love to you today xx

fan a rough time for you xxx It's hard when unexpected things hit you, and hard when an unexpected low patch washes over you. All you can do is keep plodding, one bit at a time, and an easier patch will come in time. It's rubbish. Do you think you might try SW again? Would that give you more of a sense of control over life if you could tackle the eating again. Comfort eating is a very hard habit to break, I've done it at various times too. Sometimes I found that when tempted to crack open the cake tin/biscuit jar if I forced myself to go out for a walk instead the urge to eat would pass and the fresh air helped perk me up a bit.

kleine a big hand squeeze to you as you take that deep breath and get ready to start the IVF xx

babyh so sorry about all the sickness, I hope you are all back to rights very very soon. And then you can get through the laundry!!

rainbox Dexter's stone is gorgeous, I love the little birds in the leaves. So pretty.

Nowt to report here, just plodding along as usual xx

Morning all,

Still away. Shitty week everyone sick with this nasty bug. Its been J's turn to chuck up all night.....in her words Ive never been sick like that as a big girl have I mummy.....poor thing! At one time I would have been pissed off but all i could think was that nothing could be worse than losing our beautiful boy and all of our angels. Its funny how our perspective on life has totally changed and everything now seems trivial in comparison to the bigger picture. The kids are tough cookies and having a good time anyway apart from the quarentine days when they've moaned about staying in!

MIAS mummy I cried when I saw your little photo last night and those words 'who could have known'.....stay strong I salute you and send lots of virtual hugs xxxxxx

Fanjo: Big hugs. Hope you feeling a bit better today xxxxx

Kliene: Poor you all I can visualise is your 9 months of puking, yet complete bravery and positiveness for the end result. I hope your head is back down the loo very soon.

Angel: Your sound exhausted but glad you enjoyed Blackpool if I wasnt down south I would have met you at the tower : ) Lots of love xxx

Rainbox: Love Dexters stone just prefect.

Elly:Thinking of your scan everything crossed here xxxxx

Green: Love to you.....just so sorry and thinking of you xxxxxxx

Waves to TOO, SPLIT, BLUE, LITTLE (In your lovely new bed) Whatever and blizy......god I hope I havent missed anyone xxx

Missing posting this week. I always shed a few tears as soon as I wake up each day and remember............and then I think of your ladies and what a complete lifeline you have become over the last few months xxxxxxx

miasmummy I hope you were including yourself in that lovely paragraph you wrote. You very, very much belong in any group of strong, fiercely loving, protective mummies. Sending you and mrmia so much love today, and, as ever, thinking of Mia too xx I expect you've been up through the night, I hope you can sleep at some stage.

fan our referral is on its way, we will choose when to have our first appt - definitely before Christmas - starting thos process again requires a real effort, so we have to gather our strength first, I think!
Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts for today.

blizy I meant to add yesterday, can't quite imagine how tough it must be with your sister complaining about her pregnancy. Of course you wouldn't want her to have to understand what it's like for you - but I'm sorry if she's being a bit (or a lot!) insensitive. Really hard stuff.

green how are you...?

rainbox you've said it all so eloquently yourself. So, really, all I can do is send you love and hugs. Please know I'm thinking of you, and of precious, tiny, brave little Dex. He tried so hard to stay with you, I'm so sorry that he couldn't.

elly one little day to go! How are you doing? Also - how's your uncle?

Huuuuge waves to all. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Mias, I am thinking of you all today. I have a little cherry blossom tree in my garden which we planted for Zoe. I had a look at it yesterday and there are only 2 leaves left on it. They are the brightest red, it made me think of your little red haired beauty. X

Fan xxxxx I, too, comfort eat. Straight after Georgie I was very thin but then I soon put my weight + extra on!!!! U did well on SW? Why don t you re-join? It's a viscious circle ; we feel crap then eat then feel crapper about our weight!!!! Due dates impending are very hard ( what isn't???) if I hadn t had my first MMC way back in Oct 08 I'd have a child who'd be 3.5 years old now!!!! Can t relate to that!!!! Take care ,hope you find something to keep u going xxxxxxxx
Miasmum xxxxx your picture on FB is absolutely stunning. Gorgeous Mia ; you must be so proud. You re all in my thoughts xxxxxxxx

So much love for a little flame haired princess, none of us had the pleasure of meeting you but all feel we know you through your mummy's beautiful words. Sending you love, light and a virtual hand to grip miasmummy to help you through today xxx

Love to all, sorry not to name check but just wanted to say fan if you want an understanding ear you know where I am lovely. Be good to see you. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time xxx

Everyone - you are amazing. I hope you know that. The last few posts in particular, by rainbox, fan, green and Kleine made me think of something I once wrote on the bereaved mothers' thread, as it applies equally here:-

You are all Amazons of the heart. You love fiercely. Your courage to continue each day is not a choice, it is simply part of you. You are loyal and strong, and lift your shields to protect those of us when we are weak. You do all this in the name of your children, proudly shouting their names across the world, defying the odds which seek to overwhelm you. Love is your weapon. I salute you all. Xx

MIA'S MUMMY, as a lovely friend once said to me, our hands are by your arm, to steady you if you stumble. I have no brave or knowing words, just know that many people are thinking of Mia and you this week, and the world has lit up the trees with her colours. Xxx

Thinking of you so much miasmum

Thank you all for your beautiful, kind thoughts. Sorry I am not posting or commenting on anyone else at the moment. Just immersed. Today was ok, but now we are in the countdown to when our world fell apart. It feels like yesterday. Darling, beautiful Mia. I love you so much.

poppet you will get there too. We will all have our rainbows one day, it just take longer for some.
How are you doing? When do you get to speak to the doctors about IVF?

I'm so sorry you don't have any of your babies with you It must be very difficult, imagining how it would be if you were still pg with Bungle now.
But, keep going - it WILL all be worth it when you have your little one in your arms. There is hope! Good things await us xx

poppet I think you might have hit it on the head, he (coz I think bungle was a boy) would have been due january but they would have induced me december.
Oh well it will happen soon, ?

Oh good, I'm really pleased you have an exciting weekend ahead!
More hugs coming your way. Of course, losing Bungle must have been so terribly hard... (without wanting to presume too much - would your due date have been around now? Do you think that's a reason why you would be feeling so bad at the moment?)
Will be thinking of you over the next couple of days, and wishing you lots of luck and strength to eat the way you want to.

poppet thanks, I've always comfort ate. Its generally when I'm on my own, when DH goes out. When I'm alone at work, I know that's when it happens, and I know how to stop it but just havnt done it yet. I'm going to make a real effort tomorrow, if I suceed then I will feel better in the evening. I've done it before so I can do it again. I think losing bungle in april really pushed me back more than I thought.
I'm excited about this weekend though -m going to the NFL game at wembley with DH and some friends, and also its halloween and guy fawkes. I'm planning the pumpkin carving, so I'm hoping this will help me feel happier.

oh fan poor you. I'm so sorry. Though, unsurprised that you are having a tough time. You are keeping on going through such awful circumstances - yes, you carry on with life, you laugh and chat with friends, and you are even sometimes 'ok' - but on here, we all understand the weight you always carry with you. The memories, that hit when you don't expect it. And over and above it all, the longing, the wishing... I wish so very much that you had your beautiful golden-haired Fi with you.
Hugs for you, my lovely. I'm sorry you're struggling with eating. What has worked for you in the past - what would help you to alter your eating patterns again? It's so hard isn't it. I have been so tempted to comfort eat, these last couple of weeks, when it's all felt so hard and so dark. Tbh the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to go out to the shops.
Please don't put any blame on yourself. Can you try to look at it in a more positive way? Anything good that you manage to do or eat is GREAT! And if you slip up, never mind, just start again afterwards, and it doesn't matter. Lots and lots of love xx

spilt that cullen skink sounds good might give it a try.

blizy I'm doing fine, just had one of those train hit moments earlier today when I saw an ambulance, starting thinking of things and it just hit me all the pain I went through. I miss her everyday but I don't often think of the pain of labour and the heartache afterwards. But seeing that ambulance started off this chain of images in my mind that just resulted in the total feeling of pain of loss, pain of labour joy of birth and then utter despair.

I'm not feeling totally happy at the moment, I have been secret eating, and put on half a stone. I really need to stop, I know that losing weight will help my chances but I'm in a bit of a rut. I need to snap out of it and get going again, I feel so much happier when I was losing weight and I need to feel that again.

Sorry for the self indulgent post. Sometimes its just easier to write stuff down than speak it aloud.

Evening all. miasmummy, hope your day has been... well, I hope that you found a way of helping it to pass.

Yes indeed I did have hyperemesis. For 39 of my 42 weeks! (And then, bizarrely, it vanished and I was the happiest heavily-pregnant woman in the world.... now, I find it very hard to remember those last few, very content weeks of my pregnancy. They were part of another lifetime.)
Do you know, spilt, even at the time I didn't mind so much. Obviously it was hideous - the first twenty or so weeks in particular - but I was so thrilled to be pregnant, and I knew my baby would be worth it. And she VERY much was. And so now, I am just longing to be confined to bed, constantly puking and experiencing the joys of muscle atrophy! If I'm lucky enough to get pg and I am that sick again, of course it will be miserable - but it's the thing I want most in the world.

Ah fair enough, maybe best leave that one be then!

Spilt, I meant I dont like the sound of it, I'm not a great fish lover, especially in soup! It
Makes me boke .

blizy it's v easy so give it a go!

Kleine, I finding it a bit hard with my sister being pg, especially since she moans about everything!

angel, hope you are feeling better and the move is not too stressful.

Spilt- I have never had Cullen skink especially since its a Scottish dish!. Hope Freya is ok?

Green- how are you today?

Elly, only 2 more sleeps to get through. X

August, lovely to hear from you! I hope you and the boys are well? How old is little A now?

Fan, how are doing?

Waves to little, Mia's, too, Amy, blue, babyh, rainbox and anyone else I might have missed. Thinking of you all. X

Oh I see ta. Spilt does sound nice I , too , think its a combination of everything. Just so hard when I ve got stuff to do & can t be off work ( we rd really cracking down on sick time so need to be careful) just want to feel healthy & fit again. Felt better today just been shopping & for lunch with Phebs. She's asleep on me now
She's totally shattered , catching up from the weekend , I think ... Xxxx
Kleine spend her money on her lush mummy I think!!!!! don t know, she doesn't need anything so we ve banked it for now... Poor you, your hideous nausea & vomitting in pg I was lucky ??? & only suffered it occasionally . Xxx
Hope Miasmum & MrMia are surviving today? Xxxxx

God kleine that sounds like bad sickness! Was it hyperemesis? You must be really to think about having to do that again. Mine was grim but nothing like you describe. Even so I remember crying down the toilet whilst puking pg with Freya because I was so damn miserable about facing all that wretched nausea again. It felt so unfair, like I had already been through this bit!!

Good luck with the counselling Elly, I hope you get someone good and that it's helpful.

You sound run down angel. I think it's a combination of things, long term sleep deprivation and also all the horrible bugs that small children expose you to, from nursery/playgroups etc. I have had soooo many more illnesses this year than normal. I guess all we can do is try and eat well and be scrupulous about hand washing and pray for sleep! Cullen skink btw (look away little, this would have made me vom if pg!) is a kind of smoked haddock & potato soup/stew. Absolutely delicious. Not sure how authentic it is, but I got the recipe off of here. Is:
Melt some butter in a lidded pan. Put in some onion and leek in and sweat for about ten minutes. Add about half a litre of whole milk and some diced potatoes. Cook with the lid on until potatoes are soft.
Take off the heat and add chopped smoked haddock and let it cook with the lid on for five minutes.
Serve with parsley on top and grated cheddar.
I added some garlic and sweetcorn.
It goes down Freya a storm and is a rare opportunity to get some fish into her!

Hope you and the boys are well august

miasmummy ouch the death cert must be horrible. Thinking of you and yours today. How worrying about your friend's DC, really glad they are ok, but how upsetting for you. I hope the yoga is good for you. I hate those introduction circle things now though, I get really worked up about them now.

Freya is miserable today and hard work. I am looking forward to DH coming home! We are having a massive fight with her over her carseat at the moment. She throws a proper tantrum and arches herself back screaming blue murder and WILL NOT go in. Really stressful going anywhere.