Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

Oh green so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Sending you lots of hugs.
mias hope the anniversary date passed OK. You sound like such a strong lady I'm sure your little girl would be so proud of you.
Sorry to hear your DP's being a pain wtw. hope he gets over his stress/huffing soon. It must be tough having to deal with that on top of 2 DC's!
Fantastic news on the scan elly! You must be so relieved. Hope you can relax a bit now (ha! I know that's not so easy....)
Sorry to hear you're feeling down too fan. I'm with you on the comfort eating. I'm a terror for sweets - munched a whole 250g bag of wine gums at work on Wednesday. I can't seem to resist when I'm feeling stressed.

I had an appointment with my gynaecologist today and got my blood test results back. Despite not seeing the nasal bone, and getting an NT measurement of 3.2mm, my risk has come back at 1/2850. The gynaecologist still couldn't see the nasal bone today unfortunately, as the baby is facing my spine, but he measured the NT and it seems to be down to around 2mm. I'm 14+4, so I know this measurement doesn't really mean anything though.

The gynaecologist thinks we should still do the amnio, especially as I'm nearly 33 and the blood tests are not 100% reliable. The amnio risk here in Belgium is lower than in the UK - around 1/250-1/300 - and he seems to feel that the pros outweigh the cons. DH and I had got ourselves into the mindset of having the amnio, so think that we'll maybe still go for it. I'm a bit worried that something might go wrong, but also can't get away from the worry that in 3 pregnancies this is the first time I've ever had an NT measurement of over about 1.5mm... I guess I'm just worrying that the measurement still might mean there's something wrong. Am beginning to think that this pregnancy is going to be one big stress from start to finish!

PS green sorry but I'm not with you on the Daniel Craig thing, although I know DH wishes I was, however odd that may sound, as it would mean I was more inclined to go and see the Bond films with him!

Morning all. elly good to hear that you've requested to be under the care of a consultant who you already know and trust. That will help a lot. Are you doing anything 'differently' already, eg aspirin, or does the need for that only kick in later on?

wtw hmmm your DP sounds like he needs a good slapping. Feel very free to whinge. It's all part of it, isn't it? I don't wish to excuse his behaviour (far from it), but do you think it has ANYthing to do with having lost Erin, and the pressures and the stresses of your pregnancy with Holly? Or is he just Being A Man? Hard to say, presumably. Poor you xx

green I do understand why you don't want to broadcast the news round your friends, or lie about it. So, so hard for you to be doing this by yourself, though, esp as I know you are so concerned about your boys, and how they are feeling. Oh but I do SO hope that the MC will very soon be over. You've had such an incredibly rough ride. Also hope DH will spoil you and take extra-careful good care of you once he's back xx

Nothing much else going on here. Had a friend round last night which was nice; haven't seen too much of most people for the last few weeks, it just feels a bit too difficult to make the effort. I prefer snuggling up with DH and ignoring the rest of the world. But I am well aware that I can't!
On a random aside, I have just started feeling phantom kicks this week, which feel like twenty-week kicks (E was such an active baby, and I lost so much weight, that by twenty weeks I was routinely feeling some pretty massive whacks in the tummy!) Can't believe it, four and a half months after she was born... I think it must be related to slowly getting some feeling back around my CS scar.

Thanks for all the lovely wishes to help, cook tea etc! I have lots of lovely friends here, but I had only told two that I was pregnant this time. They are both away for half term, so don't want to tell anyone else. I don't want to fib either, as we already have to do that to get someone to have kids when I have scan appt next week to confirm its all gone. I think I feel guilty for keeping causing so much drama, and if we are keeping trying I want to just get through these times quietly now, I've been pregnant, grieving, MCing or waiting to try again after MC for a very long time now, even I find me a bit boring!! I'm hoping I'm through the worst of it, although POAS is still showing a very clear +, which isn't a good sign. So maybe more to come. Anyway, DH back from London late tonight, so I guess I'll make popcorn later and settle into the couch with the boys!

WTW, can I give your DH a virtual kick up the bottom? I'm sorry he's being a pain! Have you told him how you feel? Maybe he's being a 'man' and hasn't noticed what he's (not) doing?

SPILT, I almost cried at your beef stew last night! (All I managed was pasta and cheese for the boys, and I couldn't stomach it!) Thank you lovely lady!!

BABYH, thanks for your kind words. You weren't trivialising it, I understood what you meant. There was no 'bean' there, just an empty sac, so I'm not grieving anything but lost hope really. And lost time. I know everyone sees MC differently, but personally I'd go mad if I remembered due dates etc for every MC. Merryn was my daughter, that's who I grieve and remember and think about. This is my body doing what it should with a pregnancy that never had a chance. Hopefully my body will also know what to do if I get a sticky one!

I hope everyone has something to look forward to this WE. Wish I was going to see Skyfall, is anyone going tonight? Daniel Craig's yummy... (older Mum here). Love to all.

Elly fabulous news xxxxx congrats xxx
Wtw sorry xxxx hope stuff improves with your do soon xxxx
green xxxxx sorry you re having a crap time xxx

Oh Elly what lovely news I'm so pleased for you I'm so relieved for you. An April spring baby - perfect. I didn't see my consultant until after 20 week scan xx

Green I so wish I lived closer to you so I could help you out It really is the cruellest thing to happen. Like split says you do sound like you need a big rest. Could you get even a weekend away without the boys and just sleep, sleep, sleep? xxx

Waves and love to all xxxx

I'm having a shitty time with dp at the moment. No idea what's going on with him but he's being a horrible miserable bugger and I'm at the end of my tether. He seems to not be able to cope at all with two children in the house. Am doing everything myself which I don't mind at all but I do mind him huffing and stressing every time H cries or K plays up. I'm sorry to moan on here, I know it's nothing compared to what some of you are going through. I just wish he wasn't here at the moment

Thanks lovelies - it feels good to have it all out in the open now and be able to talk about it in RL, makes it feel more real. Am going to push for c-section at 37/38 weeks, which will be 17th or 24th April (they only do them on Wednesday's at my hopsital). My favourite time of year - new starts etc. They had put me under a different consultant at the hospital, but I have requested to be under my same consultant as last time, as she knows my history and has been brilliant with all my other friends who have lost and subsequently had rainbows. I don't think that I get an appointment with her until after my 20wk scan, and I guess that then we will be able to talk about my care plan and what they will do for me. MW appointment in 5 weeks, so should then hear the heartbeat so that's my next milestone!

Green, I'm so sorry that you are still suffering physically as well, you really shouldn't have to cope with all of this as well. Is there anyone who can help you out, as spilt said, just to give you a bit of time to yourself?

Fan, I hope that you aren't feeling so down today. Comfort eating is such a difficult thing to take control of, I really sympathise.

mias, I don't know what to say, just want to send my love & hugs xxx

Hi to everyone, sorry I have missed so many of you out - am thinking of you all xxx

Elly, I'm chuffed to bits for you love! You must be so relieved! And five days further on, which is lovely! Well done today, it must have been difficult but you made it through. Xxx

elly hurrah!! so so pleased for you. So would you be looking at a late-April arrival, then? I do realise that is very far into the future. But I hope you're allowing yourself to feel the relief and the joy, just as spilt says!

elly that is wonderful news! Congratulations Do you have a plan of care in place yet for your pregnancy? Any idea when your next scan will be? Enjoy the relief and the excitement, long may it last!

green I don't know what to say. I am so sorry it's taking so long and draining you so much. It's so very unfortunate that this has happened at half term too, just when you need to do so much more childcare Do you have a friend/family member who you could ask to have the boys for an afternoon or take them out somewhere? Even if you have to lie to said friend/relative and say you're under the weather/migraine etc and could really do with a favour that you'll repay next school holiday or whenever when they need a child break. I don't know if you told anyone in RL about the pregnancy? You really sound like you need a big rest to help you cope physically. Nightmare that DP is away. Are you managing to eat and drink properly? I wish I could pop round and bring you a big beef stew or something. Look after yourself and please don't be shy to ask for help xx

Vvv quick post - not read up to date at all so sorry I'm not replying to you all, but ...

Scan went well, thank goodness!!! Put me at 12+2 which is 5 days more than I'd thought, new edd 7th May.

Sooooo relieved.

Love to all, will catch up with you later cxx

Oh Green love.......life is so unkind to you right now. I can't say whether you should keep going ........all I will say based on my own experience is that we saw what we could have had........Merryn was amazing such a beautiful little girl and u saw what could have been........if only. Please don't think I'm trivializing your little bean because this is truly horrific and the pain goes on with no end in sight.......Its all part of the same grieving process and my aunty once said from the moment we are pregnant we love that baby and can't help but hold all our hopes and dreams for the future. As someone with 2 other children I know how difficult it must be right now. My DH keeps reminding me that I need to pick myself up for them because its not all about 'A'. I hope these dark days soon pass for you I wish more than anything that your future rainbow was still here. Maybe one day if your brave enough to continue it will happen.........sending you lots of love and hugs your such a brave brave lady xxxxxxxxxx PS hope Im not waffling too much Im hopeless with words sometimes x

green what can I say? I'm so, so sorry for all of this. It's impossible. I wish I lived down the road... if there is somehow anything I can do... I know you would let me know, but just to say it again.
Hand-holding, hugs, love, and many other things that aren't technically allowed on MN are coming your way from me xxx

Good luck Elly. Thinking of you xxxxxxxx

Elly, just to say thinking of you today. Everything's crossed.

I'm not up to posting much right now, feeling a bit hopeless, which I need to get on top of. MC is still going strong, and I'm worn out. DP is in London until late Fri, sometimes I hate his job. It's getting hard to hide from the kids that anything (more than tummy ache) is wrong. They worry now when i am ill. They will have had a rubbish half term. I need to think carefully about whether the positives of trying out way the negatives for my family. I feel very selfish keeping going, but I'm not sure I have the willpower to say we need to stop. Very confused right now.
My little one said to me out of the blue "did you not feed Merryn Mummy"? It just about dissolved me. I think he thinks we should have saved her.

I didn't know about little Bea but how very, very, very sad

Lots of waves to all today, I think I'll just say that I'm thinking of elly and will come back later to check if you've updated...

Good luck elly xx

Oh Mias cocooned is a perfect word. That's how we felt on Erin's anniversary too. It's a good feeling amidst the pain. I hope it's not inappropriate to say one of my first thoughts when hearing the awful news about Bea was the parallels with Mia - both 13 months old, on the same day a year apart and both with amazing mothers who have shared them through their words and love for them xxx

Hello and waves to all. New bed is amazing although miss the extra foot - oh well I'm sure I'll get used to it soon (not sure Sammy will though!!)

Mias - my doggies and I are always thinking of you all when we are on our walkies in the park (although as Sammy is also red I keep losing him in the leaves!) .

Fan - honey, don't beat yourself up so much. If you have lost weight before then you shall again. I know you can do it when you are ready. I too still get thumped by the memory of losing Daisy. It creeps up on me at the weirdest and unexpected of times. A week on Friday is her due date as well so keep getting chocked up about that (don't think hormones are helping). Big hugs.

Green - hope you are ok.

babyh - hope you are all fit and healthy again soon.

Spilt - thanks for warning me. Cullens skink is not for me!!

Elly - good luck for tomorrow.

Kleine - really hope IVF works for you and you get a BFP asap.

Waves and apologises to any I haven't mentioned. Am knackered and luckily the sickness is only minimal and manageable with eating (although need to be careful as put a stone on whilst pregnant with Daisy and have only lost half of it!). Good night ladies. Off to bed now, mmmmm! (have it all to myself (with pets of course) as DH is at the pub and yes, I know it's early but.....zzzzzz)

Good luck Elly. xxxx

babyH do u live in/ near Blackpool then? Hope u find some peace on holiday xxxx
.Kleine hope u re ok?
Miasmum xxxxxx
Love to all, busy day at work xxxx

Well, as well as all your wonderful thoughts, we have been inundated by messages from friends and family today, and we are cocooned by love for Mia, and for us. We also planted the snowdrops and bluebells at Mia's Wood, where her tree glowed vibrantly red against the muted sombre grey of a dull autumn day.

But I am so sad about little Beatrice ; only 13 months, just like Mia. It isn't right.

Oh no I remember the thread when she was born and they thought they would lose her straightaway to Edwards I think, and then the diagnosis was wrong. How awful. Bea was such a gorgeous newborn I remember her amazing eyes. I didn't know she was ill. I am so sorry.

wtw that is so sad. Poor cupoftea and poor little beatrice.

I don't know if any of you ladies have followed cupoftea and Beatrice's story but I'm so so sad to say that Bea lost her fight today aged 13 months