Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

AngelGeorgie thank you for sharing that with me! I feel better that others can be moms of little ones after 40! My family is wonderful, my best friends are my sisters in law and cousin in law. My DH is amazing. My two big girls are awesome but I'm feeling like I can't do much for them right now. Scared to be an empty nester as I had them very young and Blake was my first pregnancy with my DH.

I would love to hear what interventions and monitering have been reccomended or put in place for you ladies Ttc and already pg?

missamel hi & sorry for your loss of your son ,Blake... Xxxx I m 41 too ( just 42 in 5 weeks time!!!) my gorgeous first born daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 & we later found out , she had died from E. coli ( by a 1 in a million chance) . She'd would / should have been 2 2 weeks ago. My second precious daughter, our rainbow, was born 18/10/11 & turned 1 10 days ago. We ve all experienced the same as you and are at varying stages of grief/ survival . Like you one of the things I remember saying to my fab medical team in hospital was that I'd ve back when we had GBOS ( Georgie's brother or sister) I was determined Georgie would not be an only child ( if you get what I mean) I'd had 2 MC s before Georgie. We re a great support & lovely bunch , though I do say so myself!!! Take care, 1 day at a time... Xxxx hopefully you ve got good RL support I found that essential & credit my recovery , which is an ongoing process , largely due to them; family, DH, friends etc.... Xxxxx
Kleine heating ok now, ta. Though booked a service next week anyhow... nothing resolved re: ttc however , sex doesn t seem to be on our agenda at present so that solves that for now!!!!! Xxxxx
Hope u re ok? Xxxxx

Also, anyone else in this thread who would be willing to add me on fb, I would love that.
Spilt I am 41, I can relate...my ob was encouraging tho, she said you are young and healthy and menopause is years away! You can still have a baby. I was very grateful for those words

Thank you so much, I needed to see that....can u add me on fb? Melissa Frech

Sorry, I have just realised that could have been interpreted as me saying, you should go to the other thread! Not what I meant at ALL. I just wanted to let you know about another source of support that's available, if you felt that you wanted to look at it. xx

missamel I am just about to go offline but then your post popped up... You are right, this is a safe haven - anonymous enough, but a place where you can share everything, all your darkest or most scary thoughts and feelings.

I understand the guilt. Guilt is a huge part of losing a child. It's incredibly unfair, but there it is - everyone experiences it. You are in the very earliest of days after losing your darling Blake, and you are in a bleak, black place. I am slightly further down the line than you, although only slightly, but I can tell you what I have learned from the last four and a half months: at the moment, although there is no 'best option', and there is nothing that you actually want to do, the best thing to try to do is whatever hurts you the least. You will not be hurting, forgetting, or abandoning your son in ANY way. Ever. How could you? You are torn apart by his absence in your life, and you are just groping your way forward, a tiny bit at a time, and, at the moment, you simply have to survive without him. You also still need to be there for your two girls, don't you... So, if you prefer not to tell people about Blake, or not to look at his photos, because it means you get through the day - that's fine. Really. It only means that you are doing your best to honour your son, by getting safely to the end of another long day without him.

If it helps you to know this - we had only immediate family plus two friends at E's funeral, and I came off FB immediately so many of my 'friends' on there still have no idea what happened. (I've created a new profile, since then, to make friends with the lovely ladies on here.) Also, DH and I have only shared photos of her with those who we love and trust. DH, for example, recently removed her photo from the front of his phone - he didn't want random colleagues at work to see it and ask him about her in the middle of the day, and he didn't want to continually upset himself at work whenever he needed to phone someone. It doesn't mean he loves E any less. He is just trying to keep going.

Lots of love to you. Please try not to worry. Just do what you need to.
Also, in case you don't know - there is another thread here for bereaved mothers. I have never posted on it myself but I know it's there.

Thank you, both of you for your welcome. It feels like a safe haven here. I live in Canada btw, so my time of day is different. Went to church this morning, to the cathedral where my Nannie and darling Blake are interred. I was a bit let down, the sermon seemed dry, although the minister has been a doll when we visit. I'm feeling guilty because maybe I haven't made a big enough deal over Blake. I haven't said anything on fb, a few of my friends don't know that we lost him. Closest friends and family joined us at the memorial. My pics of him are still on my phone, I have sent them to loved ones. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be distancing myself from him, but looking at his pic many times a day, it makes me so desolate.

missamel I'm so so sorry to hear about Blake. Do tell us more about him, if you want to. And he died so very recently... you are going through something that's very nearly unbearable right now (the only reason I say 'very nearly', is that all of us are somehow still going, so we are the collective proof that it can be done). We will all be here to help, if we can, by listening.
Our little girl, E, was born in June at 42 weeks. My labour was being induced when the umbilical cord ruptured, and despite a very very rapid emergency CS, she was without oxygen for too long. She was able to give us two wonderful, heartbreaking days before she died in my arms. She was our first child, and we are trying for her sibling now.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything about at-home monitors, either. Unless you mean like a doppler, ie something you can use yourself to hear the baby's heartbeat?
This thread is often quite quiet on the weekends, but I know other people will be along over the next couple of days to welcome you as well.

babyh these men of ours... I'm so sorry for you. It's just so much hard work, isn't it, when people let you down - even if they have the best of intentions. How are you and DH doing now?
On a more positive note , even if your SIL (and then DH) got it all wrong, at least she was trying to be as sympathetic towards your feelings as she could be. That counts for something, I think. But yes, really difficult that your DH didn't just tell you.
How are you getting on with your CBFM, lovely?

green I was so glad to hear that your DH got home early to look after you and brought flowers too. (Perhaps redeeming all men in the process!) How are you doing? Do you think the worst of the MC has passed? How have your boys been, this weekend? Still thinking of you loads xx

amy I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. I hope so much that you and your DH will be able to work out what's right for you to do next.

rainbox, blizy, where are you at in your cycles? I am thinking of both of you and fan too - glad you're feeling a little better, fan, and hope you're having a really great day today!

spilt and angel hope those broody moments/wonderings about ttc will eventually be resolved in whatever is the best way for you both. angel, also, is your heating back on? Nightmare... it's freezing cold here.

wtw how's lovely little Holly doing? Has anything improved with DP at all?
And mias, blue, moomins, gah who have I forgotten... anyone else with a big bump! How are you all doing?
elly, do you have a tiny bump yet? (And btw, I have SEEN recent photos of you on FB, lady, so don't go telling me you're hugely fat. Rubbish. I will not argue with your hospital if they say you need to do the GTT test, but I will come and HAVE WORDS with them if they say you are fat. Ok? ). Also, little, hope all is well?

Feeling too lazy to scroll back further Please forgive me if I've missed anything vital!! I've got that Sunday feeling...
Am doing ok. A huge thank you to all who chipped in to help on FB over the last couple of days. You are all so lovely. It knocked me a bit, but feel like I'm standing again now. Due to ov, any day now... (just in time for DH to fly out of the country for work - luckily just for the day, though!).

missamel welcome to the thread, and so sorry that you find yourself here. So sorry to hear about your little boy Blake. That is a lovely name for your little man.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn in April 2011, at 36 weeks. She died of a knot in her cord. I hope this thread can offer you the support you need.
I too knew straight away that I wanted to try again, it is scary but well the ladies here are such a support.
Some of us are still trying some of us are pregnant and some of us already have a rainbow baby.
Additional at home monitors, Im not sure about that, have never heard of it actually.

Hi ladies, I hope it's ok if I just join...its just 13 days since we lost our beautiful little son Blake at 34 weeks. We don't know what went wrong yet. One of the first things I said to my DH was we have to try again. Since then it's really sunk in how terrifying that will be! I have two beautiful teen girls, I am so grateful for, but I want a little one in my life so much! Has anyone heard of additional at home monitors for high risk pregnancies? Or had experience with that. Thank you all

Spilt seems ok at the moment but booked a service for the heating next week. Boiler is about 12 years old so won r be surprised when its gone hopefully will be in a few years , after we ve moved!!!!
Like you I m having the same thoughts. More so as in Dec I m 42 so not got the luxury of time. Talking at work yesterday about ttc again. I weigh up all the odds , like you, but also can t afford 2 lots of nursery fees , want to move closer to my parents ( about 100 miles away) but if pg again would like my consultant, medical team & midwives who ve been here for Georgie & Phebs to look after me...also loving not thinking about pg , loosing weight & enjoying some normality in life after 4 years of being an emotional rollercoaster. Being pg , for us, is so very hard mentally that it would absorb me mentally & emotionally & that would take me away from enjoying my Phebs... I m of the opinion that sometimes I should be grateful for what I ve got instead of wasting time chasing something that may be un obtainable....
Don g know , there s such a lot to consider... OTH don t want to get 3 years down the road & regret not ttc if I wanted to!!! Having said that I m back on the pill & we re not exactly having regular sex so not an option at the moment....
Said we ll have the " talk" at the end of the year & make a decision then....
Love to all xxxxx

Oh no angel! Is it working now or properly busted?

baby that's a nasty situation, not surprised you are hurt.

Well we have had fun today rescuing an escapee dog. She was running around in the main road causing all sorts of chaos so we got her onto the pavement, checked collar, no tag, and thought what the heck do we do with her now?? Tried the local police station but it was closed so ended up walking her 2miles to the vets! Fortunately they found a microchip so should be looking after her until the owners pick her up. Lovely dog. I think Freya was hoping it was her new pet...

Freya is now our apple monster. If she catches sight of one anywhere she will shout and gesture insistently until you give it to her, preferably half peeled. She will then pretty much eat the entire thing if you give her long enough... 3 apples yesterday Still, keeps her happy and means I can cook tea.

Having been all "no more children, can't ever do that again" since Freya was born, I have suddenly in the last week hit a broody patch It's a bit unnerving tbh, I thought I knew my own mind on this one. But now I am eyeing the new pack of condoms in DH's drawer sadly and wondering if we should have got a smaller box Fortunately (I think!) the fact that my periods are still MIA, should save us from any rash decisions.
I think really what it is is that I want a chance to "put right" my experience of pregnancy. And I'm not sure that's a good enough reason tbh. Obv the pg with Bobbie ended tragically and far too soon, and then with Freya it was so much terror and stress and raw grief as it was so soon (BFP 2 months after losing Bobbie). I spent all of Freya's pregnancy really heavily and actively grieving her sister so tbh the memories of it are incredibly painful.
But I am nostalgically thinking of the heady excitement of seeing that 2nd line appear on the stick, the early days where you have a "secret" baby as no one knows, that amazingly special feeling of knowing there;s a baby in there and how protective it makes you, seeing them on a scan (once past the utterly terrifying bit at the start where you see if there's a hb) and going soppy over the pictures, baby kicks.... and part of me wants to do it all again.
Though it needs balancing against the possible heartbreak of ttc, the chance of not going to term, the horribleness of sickness, the chance of grim things like forceps, nasty tears, haemorrage, poorly baby etc etc and are we brave enough to try? Because ultimately it's a gamble isn't it going for babies. All you can do is throw the dice and hope for the best, but there's a lot of horrible/stressful/painful things that can happen. Thankfully I am unlikely to be able to do anything at all about my broodiness for now so have plenty of time to see if the feeling lasts.

Cat is going in for a tooth op on Tuesday. My credit card is wincing already.

Because men are weak babyH & often take the path of least resistance!!!!cxx
Yes, we had a fab time in Blackpool ; chav spotting!!!! Lights good & Phebs enjoyed herself, ta xxxx
Green xxxx
Hope everyone is ok? Can t namecheck as forgot what everyone's up to!!! TGIF!!!! Long , busy week... Now , on the coldest day of the year, the heatings bust!!!!!
Nightmare!!!!!
Love to all xxxxx

Thanks Fan he knows I'm totally pissed off about it. He said he doesn't know why he didn't tell me? I think he should have told me in advance too!!!
Men eh!
Nite all hope the weekend is kind to you all xxxxxxxx

dont be sorry for moaning babyh Im sure your DH had your best interests at heart, but he could have handled it better, like telling you in advance of her coming over. I think I would feel betrayed aswell. Have you spoken to DH about how this has made you feel?

Ah Fan totally self absorbed for a second there have a lovely time at Wembley on Sunday x
Green: glad your DH home x
Love to everyone else x

Evening all.
Back home and on a bit of a downer TBH. I mentioned a while back that my SIL was pregnant and I am really pleased for her. I was a bit sad inside when she announced it because my baby is dead but obviously didn't show it in any way. In fact I even gave her some maternity clothes of mine still with the tags on because she mentioned her clothes were getting tight. Anyway I discovered accidently today that my DH new all about her news and never told me. So the day she came round was a total farce for my benefit because everyone new except me even my own DH. Can't believe he would do that to me after 15 yrs and 3 children. I feel totally gutted I understand his sister in a little way worrying how I may react but not my own husband. Feeling totally betrayed tonight. Sorry for moaning x

Hello ladies

Ive been a bit quiet sorry. Im back in full spirits now.

wtw Im sorry you have having annoying problems with DP, I think men have a problem with the baby stage, especially when we are primary carers. Do you share care of Holly or do you mainly feed and change her? Maybe a day of caring for the kids by himself will stop him Whinging! Hopefully it will start to settle soon.

green I didnt use pee sticks after my miscarraiges, the bleeding was just a very long period so I just waited till it finished and then waited untill my next period. Its a long waiting game I gues, that just sucks!

Sorry cant name check everyone, but I will just say agree on the Daniel Craig love! Cant wait to see the new James Bond myself.

Im off to wembley on sunday to see the St Louis Rams vs the New England Patriots, we are going with some friends, Im really looking forward to it.

Just met a lady from my NCT classes, havnt seen her since before Ophelia was born. She was lovely, she asked all about Ophelia, told me about her own problems with her baby, shes had really bad PND. It was good to talk.

Greenie, glad your DH is doing his bit and being kind.

Wtw, that's my DH too! Don't get the inability to deal with a baby - every time he picks him up he cries and then dh hovers round me waiting for me to take him back, jiggling him round aimlessly. Think I'll have to wait a few months before they 'bond' and just get on with it - which actually is fine by me, I can't get enough of the little guy

My DP is home! He caught an earlier train and brought me lovely flowers too. I've been sent to bed with a cup of tea, while he plays UNO with the boys. Thank god. I'm not sure I could have lasted through settling!

On a practical note, does anyone know how long it should take to get a - on a pee stick after a MC? I am worried I still have lots to get through because it's still a fairly strong +?

ELLY, I'm not surprised youre tired after the roller coaster of a week you've had! Can you have an early night?

I'm glad someone else likes Daniel Craig, it just seems obvious!! We will probably wait until the DC are back at school and sneak off one afternoon.... Sad, but convenient without having to use babysitting favours!

KLEINE, I've never had phantom kicks, I remember in the early days I hoped I would.... Now that feels like a slightly crazy thought. Merryn only ever kicked me on the left side as she couldn't turn because of her tumour, and it used to get really sore. Worse for her though, obviously.
How are you after today?

Got to go, I like to listen in on Harry Potter!

I LOVE James Bond (and Daniel Craig) and can't wait to see the new film - am on standby for tonight - my BFF has booked tickets to go, but her due date was yesterday so if she goes into labour, we will be able to go instead!!!! Unlikely I think at this time of day.

No idea about downs risks - had NT measured at scan, and it was 2.3mm, no idea what that means though. We had a CVS with Nancy because of a genetic condition (we've decided not to this time as it wouldn't make any difference) so we knew that she didn't have it.

kleine - am taking baby aspirin daily since getting the BFP because of the blood clots in the placenta last time. This is the only thing extra, although I am now so fat (put on 4 stone when pg last time/shortly after and have only lost 1 stone of it so far!) that I have to have the GTT at 28 weeks.

I still feel numbness around my c-section scar, and when I stroke it it feels really weird, but apart from phantom kicks in the first few weeks after having Nancy, I don't think I've felt any others.

WTW, sorry your DH with being a PITA - it happens to most of them from time to time, but that's not particularly helpful, sorry! I hope that he sorts himself out soon & becomes more aware that he's being a pain and not very helpful.

Green, popcorn & film sounds like a great idea tonight. Could DH take the boys out for a few hours tomorrow to give you a rest at all? Sending love & hugs xxx

I'm so glad it's Friday - this has been a really long & emotional week, and I think I'm coming down with this horrid cold that seems to have been going around. Just had some chocolate to try to make me feel better, but it hasn't worked [hsmile].

Ah that lovely squeaky clean teeth feeling, just been to the dentists and been polished

wtw I hope things at home improve soon x

green I am scared of JAmes Bond! Get DH to do dinner & childcare this eve and have a rest my lovely xx

kleine funny you should say that, I still get phantom kicks from time to time, it's very weird. I occasionally freak out at the possibility of suddenly being 20 odd weeks pg and not having realised and then come to my senses and remember that there is no way I could have failed to notice the puking/first trimester so clearly it is just my little phantom doing a jig again. Bloody odd though. Why does it happen anyone know?

amy gosh 14 weeks! 1/2850 sounds low risk to me, is it? Good luck with your decision, lots to weigh up. Do you have a gut feeling on it?

Cross post Amy. Isn't 1/2850 a very low risk? Forgive my ignorance on this? Also feeling old when you mentioned your only 32 lol
Have you fully looked into the risks of the amnio chick? I hope they have explained everything to you before you go ahead.
So very sorry your having all this stress in your pregnancy.
I hope things get better for you xxxxxxxx

Elly: Wonderful news for a lovely spring baby xxxxxx

WTW: There's only 20 months between my two so I understand it can be tiring for you both. Plus most men don't multitask as well as us women. Me and my DH used to count each others sleep an have some right old arguements so don't worry about having a moan its hard going with a new born. I hope he straightens his face quick smart. Hugs to you xxxxx

Green: Glad your DH back later you need the support right now. Popcorn and a movie sounds great but I have to agree with Kliene ....lm not a bond fan I'm afraid xxx

Angel: How are you? I'm not from Blackpool but not far away in Liverpool. Have lots of fond memories....took J when she was little about 18 months old actually and she loved the lights.

Waves to Split plodding on :) xxx

Can't read any further back cos I'm hopless on my fone. Just on our way home from Butlins and its pouring with rain.

Love to all xxxx