Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

Gosh so much has happened in a few days. I'm afraid I've been cheating on you ladies......I've discovered selling on eBay It's completely addictive Though I found myself tucking away some of the tiny baby and newborn stuff 'just in case' Thank you all for your kind messages about my dp woes, I think hope it's just the adjustment of having H. We'll work it out I'm sure. I'm just getting on with stuff, making plans etc and if he wants to join in/come along that's up to him, if not, his loss!! I'm too thankful for what I have to get too stresses over it, I've lived through much worse!!

Mulalah and Missamel I'm so sorry you have found yourselves here. Thank you for sharing Jack and Blake. We lost our 2nd dd Erin last August to cancer shortly after her birth. We were blessed enough to fall pg again quite quickly and we had a beautiful rainbow daughter Holly in August this year. We also have a 5yo dd. You will find so so much support on this wonderful thread. Whereabouts in Canada are you Mel my sister lives in Waterloo, ON.

Mias huge hugs lovely. How stressful but so relieved all is well. Fab weight too H was 2.91kg when she was born at 37 weeks. My last scan a week before was scarily accurate! Yay for sensible mummy getting you to pack your bag Hang in there my friend not too long now xx

Yay for little bump Elly I had the gtt in all 3 pregnancies and was always fine. Definitely doesn't sound like the stonemason you want! My headstone angst was well documented on here - it's so important to get it right xx

Waves Kleine been thinking about you a lot lovely. Such early days for you still xxx

Little I was consultant led for my pg with H - I didn't see her until after my 20 wk scan though but then it was 22, 26, 30, 34 weeks then weekly for the last 3 weeks. I had a scan each time then saw her afterwards. Also saw CMW as normal all the way through incl booking in. 12 and 20 wk scans were as in a 'normal' pregnancy.

Just 3 little weeks blue eeek!

6 months rainbox a hard milestone I found. How is work? I was due back in January so 4 months after Erin but found I wasn't ready so was signed off sick for a month and went back in February. It was hard but also I was ready for the distraction by then, I hope you find it a help too. But if not don't be afraid to say xx

Hi fan blizy split angel too and anyone else I've missed!oveNove to all. First day of half term and I'm cream crackered!! Off to bed now xxxx

oh I feel terrible I missed little waves to you too.

crossed posts all round

mumalah of course you are welcome, we have all lost a baby whether during pregnancy or after. So sorry to hear about your little boy, what was his name if you dont mind sharing, please dont feel presured into doing so. I hope you find this thread supporting.
My duaghter Ophelia was stillborn 18 months ago. She died of a knot in her cord ar 36 weeks.

missamel that is so sad. The day Ophelia died, we had gone into the hospital in labour, they couldnt find the heart beat and had to bring in an ultrasound, we then saw our baby still on the screen, not moving at all. I didnt have time to take it all in and she was born two and half hours later. Its so hard to come to terms with, its so early in your grief, and Im not going to say it becomes easier it just becomes part of your life. You build everything else around your grief. You will laugh and joke agian. You will think of your blake with fondness rather that total loss.

green so glad things are moving on. Have you had any more thoughts about ttc?

rainbox I have everything crossed for you, or if its isnt a BFP then at least you will know more about your cycles. First day back at work is a hard one, be gentle with yourself and take it slow.

elly booo to the bad stonemasonm shame on him. Im glad you are getting some help gettign the stone, hopefully you can get one pretty enough for your little girl.

angel spilt waves! you still both feeling broody?

blizy how are you doing?

blue and miasmum getting excited for you two now, have you started looking at names? Sorry if Im being nosy, I just love baby names and why people choose them.

poppet how are you doing? Has your brother been in contact again?

amy hows that little bump of yours?

wtw loved the pic of your girls in their holloween costumes.

waves at too, moomins and mogwai and trickle and august

(and just wanted to say really miss ciwi, razz and dachs oh and mel waves just incase you occasionally read)

I am in my last fews days of this cycle, trying desperatly not to think about it, have not looked at the diary to see what CD Im on, so hoping it will be more relaxed. (obvisously still thinking about it but stepping away from the diary untill AF rears her ugly head.) Cant wait to carve the pumpkins either tomorrow or on halloween, and the fireworks on thursday. (love this time of year, its DH's birthday on sunday, gots lots planned for him, he hates his birthday but Im going to make sure his day is special, Im going to make him breakie in bed, make him a giant birthday cookie and then its Indian takeaway and a on-demand movie for the evening)

I crossed posts with lots of you.

mumalah I love the name Jack. So perfectly simple and boyish. What was he like? How are your other children doing? It must be so very difficult. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to conceive again yet and hope VERY much that you will do, soon.

missamel more hugs to you. I am scared and lost too. On this thread, we are all scared and lost together. xx

Hola chicas. I am watching The Devil Wears Prada for the umpteenth time (I used to think it was a pointless movie. Now, I view it as background noise...). How are you all doing tonight?

mumalah of course you are so welcome here. I am so very sorry to hear about your little boy. The one-year anniversary of his death must have been terribly hard. Please do tell us anything about him that you'd like to share - we'd love to get to know him, a little bit. Have you been ttc for a little while, or are you just starting out? If you scroll back just one page, a few of us were welcoming missamel, the other newcomer here, with details about our stories. My baby girl died in June, aged 2 days, and we're trying for our second, now.

babyh sorry that things still aren't so great with DH. I really hope that it will be better in a few days. Also, is it possible that you are going to ovulate a bit later in your cycle? My ov pattern has changed and now - I've had three cycles since E - I ov on day 19/20. (Which is now!! I get ov pains, it's happening right now... ) I know that my cycle doesn't have any relevance to yours, but, well, here's hoping for you...

elly hurrah for the tiny bump!! But boo to the terrible stonemason; glad you have other options. And, re your weight, well, you must have been an actual twig before having lovely Nancy... I am not trying to minimise the effect of putting weight on (I do know it can make you feel so awful), but really, I think you look so lovely.
I, like spilt, currently have the opposite problem and am still losing weight, despite my best efforts. It's a new one for me! I would certainly have wanted to lose a few pounds before having E, but now I am trying to hold on to them.

spilt and back to you too, you wonderful and sensitive lady Shall we have another thread love-in like the other week?
Also, I wanted to ask you, as you said you no longer go to church - did you go before Bobbie? Or is it unrelated? We are struggling with the idea of going back to our church - mostly because it's full of gorgeous babies and toddlers, but equally (and obviously) it's just a very difficult thing to return to any form of worship right now.

to little. I'm not sure about your midwife/consultant question. I know that our hospital has a high-risk midwifery team, and if I am ever lucky enough to be pg again, I will be under them as well as being consultant-led.

green as ever, lots of love. I will be so glad ('glad'....) for you when the MC has properly ended. You have been a bit of a hero. I know you will disagree with me and think that you've barely been coping, but - trust me - you've been amazing.

rainbox bless little Dex. Six months. I am so sorry. And also that you are back at work to coincide with it. I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx
Also, am I allowed to have my fingers very, very quietly crossed for you this cycle? Lots of love to you xx

mias sorry to hear about a stressful morning, but it's lovely to hear that all is well with your chubby little baby Porky baby tummies are so cute! I was worried that E was going to be a huuuuuge baby, as I was so late with her and scans seemed to show she was already 6lbs at about 36 weeks, but in the end she was only just over 7lbs/3.1kg.

also at the lovely angel. Glad your heating's back on!!

missamel thank you for telling us a bit more about Blake. He was so clearly wanted, loved and welcomed into your family from the start. It's just so very, very sad. You and your DH crying on the bathroom floor together... oh, bless you. Hoping that you will find the strength to get through another day, together, without Blake. xx
(Oh and I will send you a private message about FB in just a minute )

Hi to everyone else, too. fan I saw those photos of you on Sunday - you and DH looked just so lovely, you really had a good day out and enjoyed yourselves by the sounds of things! A perfect way to distract yourself during the 2ww. xx

EPIC post again from me!!!! Love to you all x

I chose to be induced right away, and he was born the next morning at about 1:30 he was beautiful and perfect...and he was smaller than he should have been! Only in the 3rd percentile for date! That was a big surprise for me, and we still don't know why he wasnt growing at the end! We live in a small town and no specialists have consulted with us yet. Just waiting. Today I feel so empty...it feels like all my hopes and dreams are gone along with my little boy. My brother and DH brother both had babies 4 months ago... I feel like my girls are almost grown. I love them and DH and I want to have more children but I'm so scared and lost.

Hi , his name is Jack. He was my 5th, but 2nd with dh. I also miscarried exactly a year before Jack was born at 8 weeks. I'm 42, we were trying for another baby straight after Jack, as there was a 10 year age gap between my youngest daughter, but it never happened.

Oh missamel, such an horrific experience - I remember it well. Are they doing tests to try to find out what happened to Blake? Such raw awful emotions at the moment for you - these early days are so hard to get through, but get through them you & your DH will, somehow.

Of course you can join mumalah - a very sad welcome to you. I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your son a year ago. The ladies on here have all lost their children at various stages of pregnancy, neo-natally and when they were older. What was your son called, if you don't mind me asking?

You are all so wonderful, it's comforting here. My little Blake, was my third baby, my dds are 19 and 15, and he was my first biological child with DH. We decided to try for a baby and I became pregnant as soon as we took chances. We were thrilled to find a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks, and thrilled to find he w a boy at 20 weeks. We had a scare where dr thought he might have downs but he didn't. A thorough scan of his heart, brain and body 2 weeks later by a specialist showed his health looked great. I went for reg checkups and everything tested and measured well. My two girls both had some iugr in the middle of pregnancy, but not Blake. At about 33 weeks I noticed his kicks were smaller and he was rolling more, but I remembered something similar with my girls, and other ppl said they had the same thing. Sunday October 15 was my baby shower, and when I got home that evening I felt him moving. The next morning however, I wasn't sure. I went to the labour dept right after I got up. The nurses thought they found his hb but didn't get it pinned down. They brought in the ultrasound and found no hb. DH and I were in shock and crushed. We cried on the bathroom floor together in the hospital.

Hi, I wondered if i am able to join or point me in the right direction ! Not sure if this thread is for babies only ? My son was 2 and 2 weeks when he suddenly had a cardiac arrest in hospital. Its just been the one year anniversary, and until now I haven't come across a thread or website like this.

Little I, too, was consultant led with Phebs but also had scans 2 weekly from 6-14 weeks as was on Pregnanyl injections twice a week. On 75 mg Aspirin from BFP.then scans 4 weekly & dr review from 16 weeks to 36 weeks. Planned section at 37,3 weeks... I had a Doppler which I used most days at home....
Spilt so much to ponder on...xx
Green hope u re ok? Xxx
Miasmum whoop whoop on a big bouncy active baby... Much love to Mia... Xxx
Kleine hope u re ok? Xxx
babyH Arh you sweetie ... Nice to know I don t look my age... Certainly feel it at the moment!!!!!
Busy at work 1 st day of seeing pt's in new clinic; hard as having to review how we work!?? SW ; lost 1 lb again still hovering at 2 stone loss seem to be stuck there... However, still a 2 stone loss...
Love to all xxxxx

little, I had my booking in with MW, and am expecting to see my consultant for the first time after my 20 week scan, although this isn't definite and I need to call consultants secretary to find out if this is the case. Think all the extra care & scans & appointments will come after 20 weeks, but will keep you posted! Also, reading what spilt and mias have said above, I am going to call them tomorrow to see if I can get a scan at 16 weeks too, for reassurance, as not got another MW appt until 17 weeks (hopefully to hear the heartbeat!!!).

Rainbox, what horrible timing for you this week. I remember my first day back at work was so hard - I didn't know how I wanted people to be with me - wanted them to acknowledge Nancy, but not make a huge deal of me being back. In the end it was fine - I think the build up for these things is sometimes harder than the event themselves. It feels like another step further away, if that makes any sense. I'm not surprised you are feeling weepy etc, going back is a big big step xx
I will be thinking of you tomorrow on Dexter's 6 month anniversary - such a hard one, his stone is lovely xx

DH went to some stonemasons today - I would really like to have her headstone in place before her 1st birthday, but not sure if we've left it too late. Anyway, the stonemason was horrid to DH - he explained that the stone was for our little girl, and the bloke didn't say anything, just hmmphd and moaned that he should have called first! Needless to say, we won't be getting the stone from there!! FIL is on the case for us now - he used to be a funeral director, so is going to get in touch with some of his old contacts.

to everyone else xx

little my experience is the same as spilt. Consultant-led, but nothing really happens with them until 16 or 20 weeks. I also did my booking-in appointment with the midwife. After conversation with the consultant, we agreed that I would had scans at every month from 5 months (but this is up to you), and then see the midwife in between, and she has said I can see her more regularly if I want.

little I was consultant led but had a number of midwife appointments too and my booking in was done by the community midwife. The consultant then just flicked through it quickly in my appointment with him - I first saw the consultant after my 16 week scan, saw his registrar after the 12 week scan, only MWs before that. Basically I saw the consultant every time I had a scheduled scan (16w, 20w, 28w, 36w) and MWs for the inbetween appointments. Hope that helps.

A very quick wave to everyone and a sad welcome to MISSAMEL, I'm so sorry you find yourself with us, but we are a lovely bunch! My daughter Merryn died at six days old, after a failed op. to remove a tumour. We miss her terribly. I have two wonderful boys, aged 10 and 5, and we are trying for our rainbow. At the moment I am just coming to the end of a MC, I should have been 10 weeks. I also had two MCs before Merryn. I am 39.

Re what intervention I would have in future preg, I am on high dose Folic acid, and would be on baby asprin again from BFP. I would also have extra scans from 11 weeks. I would also have a BP monitor for me at home, as Merryns complications led to a type of PE that was very dangerous for me too. Most of these interventions are just for my peace of mind, as what happened with Merryn was 'just bad luck'. Hope this helps..... I too knew I wanted to try again straight after loosing Merryn, and don't feel I can do much about this, it's a very strong need in me.

Wave to everyone else, (need to do boys baths/ showers and stories). J back in London, but home tommorow evening and then off for the rest of week!! I'm exhausted, but I think MC must be calming down, so hopefully not too much more to put up with. Will catch up when boys asleep! Thinking of us all! Xxxx

Hi. Just popping on to welcome missamel although sorry that you find yourself here. The ladies on here have been a fantastic support. I lost my little Daisy at 20 weeks in June this year due to unknown causes. My waters just broke and although she was still alive, there was nothing they could do but induce me and she was too little to survive.

I am now 6+4 weeks pregnant and am absolutely knackered all the time! Got my scan date through for 12 week scan (if I make it) which is 7th December. Still waiting to hear from consultant. Presume I will have my booking in appt with them instead of midwife as should be on consultant led care but not sure - does anyone know?

Glad all is well mias.

Hope everyone is ok and has had good weekends.

Great news mias, although not about the pain, but the baby moving & being a good weight already! Well done for packing your hospital bag too - very sensible of your Mum!!

fan, how was the game yesterday? I hope you are still feeling positive xx

green, I'm so sorry I didn't ask how you are doing. I hope you have managed to rest this weekend xxx

welcome to missamel from here too. No person advice on at home monitors, but I am aware you can buy Dopplers to do heartbeat checks at home - some people find them comforting, others worry when they don't always hear heartbeats, but I understand that is usually because the equipment is not being used the right way.

Like angel, I am 40+, and naturally conceived my beautiful red-headed Mia at 40. Sadly, she died totally unexpectedly almost exactly a year ago, at the age of 13 months, and we have just been through her inquest. I am now 34 weeks pg with her little sibling (again, naturally), and the ladies here help enormously in dealing with the fear and joy I experience on a daily basis. There is also another thread here for 40+women seeking to conceive, and again, with lots of useful advice and support if you want it.

So - quick update from me. I have packed my hospital bag, as my mother refused to go home until I had, and even bought me all kinds of things for me and baby to incentivise me to do so! But I really couldn't until Mia's anniversary had passed, and she understood that. And today, I did think I might need it, as I had pains down my left side which wouldn't go away. Cue a morning at the hospital being monitored and scanned and checked. Baby is fine, and moving madly, but no sign of any real explanation why, apart from from perhaps my muscles around my c-section scar protesting about baby weight. Which was a huge relief... Baby is apparently 2.8kg already and has a very porky little tummy!!

elly mat clothes are just soooo comfy! With pg #2 I went into the mat jeans the day I got the positive test... so that would be at 3+4 then Think it was a psychological thing really, but def more comfortable, and could pig out in preparation for the weeks of puking I knew were about to start! Aaaw for a lovely little bump Do you get the whole bump grows during the day, seems whopping by evening and then when you wake up it is almost gone again?? I was baffled by that, but apparently it's water retention as the day goes on. Hope you are feeling well.

kleine just wanted to say how wonderful you are, so much wisdom and always considerate thoughts and insightful comments to all of us. I love your posts

angel that is exactly what I think, re your comment "should I be grateful for what I have and not start chasing something that may not happen". It's like a gigantic pandora's box. If you take the lid off and go for it, you can never go back. And I worry (about everything!!) but I worry that I would be heartbroken to ttc and never get another live DC, but if I just do not ttc and stop here it would be fine as it would be my choice - ultimately the outcomes are the same, no more DC, but one would be full of heartache and disappointment and one would just be "this is what I chose". Found myself going daft over newborn clothes in Sainsburys this weekend whilst buying Freya some wellies. It's interesting that you are having the same thoughts though. Good luck deciding.

Back on a food theme, I tried another MNetter's recipe for gammon and it was fabulous. Massive lump of gammon, 250g brown sugar, put in slow cooker all day, turn occasionally. Voila. I am starving all the time, eating loads, and still cannot maintain my weight. It is getting ridiculous now, am only 9st and 5ft9! Pre pg weight was nearly 10st and that was sensible. I can only assume it is the breastfeeding but actually it's a bit alarming to not be able to stop shrinking

Welcome missamel I am so sorry you find yourself here, your poor little Blake, it's so very unfair. It's so gutting and so sad that there are more and more of us here as time goes on, the nightmare of babyloss just doesn't stop. I do understand that absolute need to be pregnant again, I definitely felt that, I think most of us did/do. The emptiness after pregnancy when you don't have your baby is hard to put into words and I felt that being pregnant again would make me feel less empty, less desolate and less devoid of purpose. I was lucky and fell pg very quickly (it was a bit of a double edged sword at the time as Bobbie died of a toxoplasmosis infection and they were worried that I had conceived whilst possibly still fighting the infection and my next baby could be damaged by it too. Huge relief that that does not appear to be the case, but it was very scary). As you say, the subsequent pregnancy is a very harrowing time, and these ladies here are a tremendous support and a place to voice all those fears that everyone thinks are OTT or tries to get you to snap out of.

I'm glad your minister has been such a support to you. It can be better to find that support outside your family as they aren't emotionally involved in the way your own parents/inlaws are and can focus their efforts entirely on supporting and caring for you. Our minister was fantastic, and continues to be despite the fact I no longer go to church. I think the fact that they are used to facing death, funerals, grief etc means they understand and handle it so much better, not afraid to hear your blackest thoughts, or witness your pain and tears.

kleine speaks wise words about guilt. It is nothing to feel guilty about if sometimes you are unable to speak about Blake. 2 years on here, and sometimes I tell people about Bobbie, and sometimes I keep her to myself. It's self preservation really.

Keep talking to us. We'd be honoured to hear about your little boy x

A very sad welcome to you missamel, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Blake. My DD Nancy was born at 37 + 4 on29th December 2011 but had been starved of oxygen and was too poorly to survive. She died on 31st December 2011 aged just 2 days. I can barely remember the first few months of this year, tbh. I do remember the fear that whatever had caused N's death would mean that we wouldn't be able to TTC again - luckily though that wasn't the case (there were blood clots in the placenta) and I am now 12+6 weeks pregnant again. In terms of extra monitoring, I will be consultant-led, and although I haven't seen my consultant yet this pg, she has said that I would get pretty much anything I needed for reassurance this time. I had an early scan (well 2, but the first one was too early to see anything) and will hopfully have more after the 20 week scan too.

The ladies on here are incredibly supportive, and all totally understand this whole nightmare that you have just found yourself in.

Bless you kleine - you truly are a poppet!! I did however, put 4 stone on when pregnant last time & shortly after we lost Nancy; and I have only lost 1 of them so far, so I am quite a bit heavier than I was, although weirdly only 1 1/2 clothes sizes bigger - my body is weird!! Yes I have got a bit of a bump now (I was hideously bloated for the last few weeks but that seems to have gone down a bit now), and am wearing my maternity trousers today - feel loads comfier than my work ones that I was trying to squeeze in to last week!!!

I hope everyone had enjoyable weekends - I was a total slob on Sat & didn't even get dressed, then yesterday my sis, bil & 2 nieces came round for dinner, which was fab but v v tiring!!!

good evening ladies

Missamel: So sorry to meet you here and to hear that your lost your baby son Blake. Your already showing such strong character focusing on this thread so soon after your loss. For weeks I was in a daze but when I eventually found my way on here I realised that it was my lifeline. My family and friends were too, but all these wonderful ladies have sadly (and I truly wish they hadnt) lost babies/children and so they understand what we are thinking. My Beautiful boy Adam was stillborn at 38+4 days on 4/7/12...I went to hospital following reduced movement but he was already gone when we got there. We havent been given a true reason.....the consultant said she believed I had a problem with my placenta (defective placenta maturation) but the pathology report didn't point to this and also confirmed that the loss of cells from my placenta wasnt enough to kill him on its own. Sending big hugs to you and your girls. How are they coping? Do tell us more about Blake if/when you feel up to it xxxxxxx

Split: Ah the broody feelings again? I know you had such a tough time with
Freya but its amazing the way our maternal instincts take over isnt it! Sorry about the cat bill xxxxxxx

Angel: Talking of bills glad your heating is ok for now : ) You look so young. Cant believe your nearly 42! Love the Chav spotting in Blackpool thats the best bit and always a good laugh !xxxxxx

Amy: Thinking of you x

Kliene: Loved the pics of 'E's grave and the changing seasons. Your right you are an eternal optimist and I love that about you : ) Things still strained at home so no baby making attempts going on.....think I'm out this month dont think I've OV'D anyway. CBFM just showing high days (No Peak) I am on day 13.

Fan: Hope you enjoyed Wembley. Looked like a fab day you deserve it xxxx

Hope everyone else ok

Nite Nite xxxxxx