Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

Hi Moomins... Three weeks!! If they take the stitch out does that mean you will probably go into labour, or could it still be a while? My consultant at GOSH when I was preg with Merryn said many experts now see 35 weeks as 'term' (clinically they call it that at 37 usually). So it's a really good safe age as far as I know.... Have you got most things ready?

KLEiNE, I'm glad the bleeding is finally tailing off, it can drag on a bit. Your family make me cross. I wish they would be a little more caring, they must know you are hurting and need them.

We went up to Merryns place tonight and had a chat about what to do to think about Merryn over Christmas. J said he would like to make her the star on the top of the tree so she could watch us, so I think we will make a new star together for her.
K said he didn't want to think about her because she made him sad, and we said that was ok too, then he said he would like to bring some flowers to the river and play on the tree swing. So I think we will do that on boxing day. (I dont think I said on here, but someone has rigged up the most perfect rope swing on a tree right next to where we scattered Merryns ashes, it's made it how we wanted it to be, playful and full of giggles from her brothers, I was so happy it had been done, like a gift for us all).

Hi to everyone else, I hope you are coping with December and all it brings. X

Hi ladies! Just a quick message from little me. The bleeding seems to be tailing off again - hopefully this is it. Have been having a hard time with family members, again, but I think I'm starting to get used to it and have recovered quite quickly. I do still find it very sad, though, that other people have found so many ways to hurt us after E's death.

blizy you sound unbelievably patient. I would be beating down the doors of that lab! But I know, also, that you don't want to give yourself too much hope 'in case'. Please just let the rest of us hope madly for you xxx

fan boo to the medium... I don't believe in any of that stuff either. Funny, though, isn't it, how - even when I don't believe in it - my heart leapt when I read she'd said that October would be a special month for you. I think I just cling on to any bit of good news, however kooky, for any of us!! And who knows, she may accidentally be right and there'll be a miniFan arriving in Oct.

mias just want to give you a huge hug...

spilt so glad you went out and got wasted and had a lovely time Can imagine it's hard that Freya went soundly off to sleep without you; but sounds like she and DH had a lovely snuggly evening together.

elly how are you doing my lovely? And babyh?

green a big well done for getting through your trip to London. Am now quite intrigued by the HP studio, would like to go. Perhaps will have to wait until I have a living child to take with me - would be a bit too weepy by myself I think.
Know exactly what you mean about Christmas presents, memories of last Christmas, etc. A bit impossible, indeed. The other day, I wrapped up some gifts for babies who were born at similar times to E, and that was pretty hard.

moomins oooh!!! Possibly in three weeks... v excited for you xxx

angel you sound very Christmassy. Apart from the sadness of not being able to buy presents for Georgie. So so sad and so hard.

Hi to everyone else, and hope that wtw&co are having a fab time xx

I know, 3 weeks I was hoping they would keep it in a little longer but from what I've described they think it may be starting to feel the pressure and they dont want it tearing my cervix. I'll be 35 + 2

blizy I know how you feel I have had a missed period went on to 48 days, thought I was pg turned out I wasnt. Then two months later had a period that lastest 41 days. I had all the tests, was told nothing was wrong just one of those things, then they found my fibroids but have since told me that they wouldnt have upset my cycle like that.

OhMoomins 3 little weeks whoop whoop xxx
Green glad you enjoyed London though sad at times. It is incredibly hard.yesterday 3 x I heard songs from Georgie's service. Upset me a lot .. I feel time is flying by so quickly I have to stop myself mentally to have time out to think of her. That scares me ... I love & miss her so much ... I look at presents for children a year older than Phebs & should be buying those too. But I m not & it's so very sad .xxx
Blizy nightmare... What a pain ... Hope you get some answers soon...xxx
Hi Fan xxx
Hi all. How's everyone? We re fine works ok, house finally trimmed up so feeling a little xmassy... My fuddle tomorrow so taking Phebs in as my day off. Then 3 days to work then a week off yeh..,,
So more Xmas shopping on sat, see a friend for present exchanging, food shopping , packing then to mum & dads as soon as Ant finished work Xmas eve, hopefully, 2 ish... God damn work; gets in the way of everything!!!! Xxxxc

Fan, she said it wouldn't be my ad's. i ami having my thyroid and other hormone levels tested too. The tests get sent out to one of the busiest labs in Scotland, so it does take a bit longer...
Tbh, I'm quite laid back about it all, I don't see any point in stressing as it will just make it worse.

Ohhh exciting times ahead for you Moomins!

blizy CD59, you must be going mad! What has the dr said, could it be your AD's? How come you have to wait a full week untill the HCG results? Fx for you.

green I know what you mean about the medium, my mum has been to a very good one. But she did get some of my grandad well.

moomins oh how exciting, maybe a january baby, we are the best ones!

Just wrote a long post and it has disappeared! I hate that.

kleine hope the bleeding stops soon for you

green the alpacas are cool! Ds3 thinks they're Jeffs ( giraffes )

angel I've been doing a shuffely hobble type move due to ice, the dc's always laugh at me.

fan I'm never sure about mediums, some are really good and it makes you wonder. Others are just so obvious.

Mia I'm not sure if I've said congratulations! Finn sounds lovely xx

Had an appointment with the consultant today, although he wasn't around so I'm still non the wiser about some stuff. I do have an appointment for removal of the stitch though, 11th of jan. Soo we could have a baby here in 3 weeks time

BLIZY, I'm sorry your AF is mucking you around. It's bad enough when they are right on time, it does horrible things to your head when they aren't. Hopefully the doc will be quick to find out what is going on...

Fan... Shocked at the dodgy medium!! They are so clever, but I too don't believe in that sort of thing, although would be nice to think that your grandad is keeping an eye on you! I can picture your cats having fun with the tree... Your house sounds very festive!

SPILT, it sounds like you had a great night out, well done you! I know the 'they don't need me anymore' feeling, it tugs at the heart a little, although, of course she will always need you, just in different ways! Your DH did a fantastic job by the sounds of it.

Re alpacas, yes, they are very nosey, if you have anything in your hand they always want to know what... And the cat drives them mad!

ANGEL, ice scares me, I always hobble around, bit imbarassing usually!

MIA'S, I was so sad for you reading your post. I understand the empty space. Before Merryn I was full of my boys and my hopes and happy, very very happy. Now I have the space that was carved out for her, but she isn't here, and it echoes with the loss of her. I won't ever fill it... Maybe it will become less raw but no less empty. I haven't yet found a way to make peace with that. Maybe one day my love for her will outweigh the pain, and sit more equally alongside how I mother the boys, I don't know. Remember you are in the very early days, and hormones really can be difficult too, let everyone cocoon you a little! X

KLEINE... I hope you have stopped bleeding? It's soul destroying taking preg tests and hoping for it to go neg. remember you have been through a lot of hormonal changes, and you might (I always do) feel not yourself for a while. Difficult to separate out what's what in our situations, but some might be just hormones iykwim. (it helped me after MCs to remember this). Keep taking your vitamins if you can, Im sure it helps. Much love to you, strong lady.

As for me, we got home on Sunday. London was a strain, so many memories. I couldn't take J to the British museum as its so close to GOSH, and I would have felt the need to go and see it for some mixed up reasons, so we just stayed out of that part of town.

The HP studio tour was amazing. It was lovely to immerse myself in something for a good chunk of time, and the boys were mesmerised by it all.
Today I have wrapped my presents. I cried a river when I clicked there was a pile of presents missing, and struggled writing ever card. Last year we had just told the boys I was pregnant, and 'the bump' gave them both presents. I don't even remember what.
We are going to Merryns place by the river now to think with the boys how we will remember her and include our love for her in our Christmas. They need to feel shes part of our family in a way that is right for them, not just us. It's all a bit impossible isn't it?

I was at the dr earlier, li had an HCG blood test, should have the results by next week. I am now officially late for my second af, I am on cd 59!

I ve had a lovely day putting up the tree and the rest of the Dec's, we had the christmas songs playing on the telly, had little bro in law round to rap his pressies, it feels like christmas now. The kitties are having fun, getting under the skirt of the tree and trying to knock the baubles off.

Went to a hen do last night for my BBF, shes very much into tarots and sprituality, so she had a medium there doing readings for us all. I was a little worried about going in, I dont really beleive in it all, I just think they are good at reading people. So anyway went into the room and she was talking about how I have had a rough road with lots of hurdles (havnt we all?) then she said theres a man here with false teeth and hes showing them to me. (my grandad who I adored died 4 years ago and he has false teeth through out my life, he used to get them out and chase me round the house with them.) also she said he wants you to go to the cinema, (we used to watch films together it was a shared passion) So I was thinking wow shes impressive, then as it was getting hot I pulled my sleeves up a bit and part of my Ophelia tattoo showed, just the end so just the 'ia' bit. I saw her eyes flick down to it and she says after while, 'ohh Im getting a name I, A, does that mean anything to you'. Counldnt beleive it. Fraud! Though she did say she see's a positive, soon and celebration a cake and also the month October is important. So we shall see.

Am joining blizy having an immature at fans up and down game! Good luck and enjoy

kleine Sorry that the bleeding has started up again, how very frustrating and sad. I hope it's over quickly xx

Mias I'm glad you're having a better day. You describe the connundrum so very well xx

Argh the travelling in the ice angel, it's horrible isn't it, scares me silly.

The night out was great! As was Freya apparently. DH said she knew I wasn't there and wasn't entirely happy about it, but ok really. He played with her and then cuddled her up on the sofa until she was really tired and started pointing upstairs wanting to go to bed. Apparently though, on the way up she stopped, pointed at the front door and cried . But onec upstairs she was fine and he played her music and cuddled up with her on the bed and she went straight off to sleep in his arms. I staggered came home to find them both snuggled up together asleep. Very proud! But also, slightly hearthbroken that she doesn't neeeeed me.... waaaaah! Had a great time out though, dressed up & make up for the first time in.... a long while.... I felt all giddy and free and got a bit tipsy andd had some good laughs with the others.

green love the alpacas! We met a couple the other day at a field gate. They like hair don't they?? Freya got truly sniffed and giggled like a loon at them. I bet your boys like them. Love little J's comment.

kleine I know what you mean about not wanting to lose the sadness. I saw the Rabbit Hole (film about child bereavement, very well done actually) and the newly bereaved mum is talking to her mum who lost a child years ago. She asks, looking haunted "does it ever go away?" and her mum says "No. And you wouldn't be without it, because the grief is what you carry around now, instead of your child. It's not always "right there", it can be deep in your pocket and reach in for something else, and... there it is. And it's ok that its there."

Indeed Miasmum you hit the nail on the head nothing will ever fill the gap left behind by Mia. Whilst not distracting your love from Finn Mia's gap is huge. Xxx
Kleine hi xxx we re ok ta. Glad it's the weekend.
Elly saw Emmerdale ... It kinda doesn t upset me as you know in soap land all will be ok in the end... Take care xxx
Green have a good time in London xxx
Hi all hope all well? Xxx
Getting to work this am; nightmare ; so Icey & scarey , horrible . Nearly broke every bone in my body... Ant went arse over tit!!!!

Ok now just returned from my work night out was ok but a bit bored after a while so came home early... Wonder if I m getting too old for this lark??? Xxxx

Good evening ladies. Finn is sleeping in his rocker beside me, doing the cutest little squeaky snores... he is a very good little boy, long may that continue!!

fan sorry, also at blizy's take on your comments...

green love your frozen alpacas!! And I think I may well adopt J's statement about the strength of mummy love. What a perceptive little person, you must feel so proud. I had a big when I read about his play, it sounded hilarious!!

whatever hope the packing for Centreparcs is all done - although of course, K has been organised for several weeks, hasn't she?

kleine So sorry you are bleeding again. Also intend to give something to E's fund in the next few days. She IS beautiful.

Feeling a little better today about Mia, the last few have been very hard. I have realised that I will never be 100% happy ever again, but at the same time, I do feel fortunate in that I have experienced that perfect happiness, because of her. That doesn't detract from my love for Finn, but I have to recognise that there is a part of me that will always be hollow, and cannot ever be filled by anything, or anyone, else.

Hi lovelies. Thank you so much for your comments about E's page. I know she was gorgeous, but it's very nice to hear it from others too
The MC started up again a few days ago - just when I thought it was over... it's nothing much, light bleeding and no pain, but, well, it's annoying. I had to do a pg test yesterday, on consultant's orders, and it's still positive, but hopefully my system will clear everything out soon. (That sounds very heartless, doesn't it? But it's what I'm reduced to hoping for, now, so that we can start trying again.) Other than that, I'm doing ok, and certainly feeling better than I was a few days ago.

babyh I'm SO sorry that AF got you. Really, really hoping that 2013 will start with good news for you, and a rainbow on his or her way very very soon. xxxx Glad, though, that the GP was helpful - those types of meetings are so crucial to processing grief (and, yes, being able to look to the future), aren't they.

green I am at J's pronouncement that mummy-love is even stronger than Harry Potter!!! What a compliment for you xx
I'm just thinking of how lovely it would be, if you had an eight-month-old Merryn with you... It's so sad, isn't it. Lots of love, and hope you're coping ok with London, I know it's so hard for you to be back.
Really, really glad you found a useful, helpful GP and that you have started medication. Glad, also, that spilt had so much advice for you.
And, spilt, how did the night out go...?????

elly poor you, watching that on telly Maybe you can look up the storyline online, and find out if you want to keep watching? Hugs to you my dear xx

blizy you are so kind and brave to be helping your sister out. Huge love to you xxxxxxxxxx
FX for your GP appt and DH's results.

fan - blizy has also made me at your unintended pun, ha ha! SO hope that this is your month...
Also really hope your friend's cancer will be treated quickly and successfully. How awful for her.

rainbox honey I'm so glad you have an early scan. Only a few days to go!! I'm really glad to hear about the symptoms (even though the nausea is so horrid).

whatever hope you'll all have the most wonderful time!
Your words about Erin struck a chord. I, too, wouldn't want to stop feeling sad. It'd be impossible to stop being sad, of course, but I wouldn't want to even if I could. It's a measure of a mummy's love, and our love for our children will always be with us.

waves at angel, hope you're well and Phebs is ok.

Love to everyone else too; hope December is passing as easily as it can for all of us.

Sorry fan but I'm at your comment "it's an up and down game" a well placed pun . I am sorry to here about your friend, how horrible. I ope she can beat it quickly.

Green, enjoy the science museum, well jealous! I loved the pic of the Alpacas, they are fab!

I have spent the morning shopping, helping my sis with tiny baby nephew, (she was struggling to get ready to go out this morning) now I'm heading out now to pick other nephew up from school. Busy old day!

Hope you are all well. X

green enjoy the science museum. Your alpacas are gorgeous.

elly so sorry about Emmerdale last night, I did watch it. It must have been tough for you, I hope you are ok this morning?

Just heard some bad news about a friend at work, she has cervical cancer, shes amazing though. Its stage 1 and shes having laser treatment, she already has PCOS and knows that pregnancy int he future will be hard but now shes been told that its a further 20% reduced because of her treatment. Shes so amazing so strong, made me realise we all have our trials and rough.tough times but we power on through, we have too.

Waves to everyone, Im busy in the SWI phase, I should ov tomorrow but we are covering all bases and decided to swi throughout the week, sorry if too much info. Im feeling better about things, its an up and down game.

Hope everyone is ok today.

Whoopee, I managed to load alpaca photo to FB. This has taken months to work out (it won't take edited photos, and I'm rubbish at this kind of thing). Now I am off out to brave the science museum with boys while Dp at work!

Oh green, I love K's thinking, child logic is just amazing. I hope you are ok and are able to relax and dare I say it, have fun.

Elly, it's horrible when things hit you whe they are not expected. I hope you are ok?

Yuck ELLY, I hate when that sort of thing 'jumps' out at me. My mum watches things like ER, and I have to avoid the sitting room when she visits us and they are on.(she controls the tv!) I don't know how she stomachs it! I hope you are ok, it's horrible to have such graphic reminders.

We are in London... I had a bit of a sob on the drive in on the m4, it was all a bit too familiar. K was asleep, but J was lovely, for a ten year old he is very sensitive I think.... Having said that, the other night as K was settling to sleep he had a conversation with me about how life was more important than love, and love couldn't save anyone, or Merryn would have been fine. He thought love was the best thing though, and life would be rubbish without it, and mummy love was the strongest and most magic thing in the universe, even stronger than superheroes and Harry Potter. This is high praise indeed from a five year old! So there you go, we are all stronger than superheroes! (this explains why we are still standing, I think)!

Rachel went into early labour, and her baby was alive but taken to NICU and they aren't sure if he'll survive. Seeing her panic at not knowing what was happening to her baby and the poor little baby in the incubator with all the wires and things just brought back so many memories.
DH was at work this evening so was home alone.

I don't watch it Elly what happened? x

Oh god, I should not have watched Emmerdale tonight :(

Just about to go..... But Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou SPILT....I am also someone who likes to feel like I 'know' what should be happening, so I will look at those sites with interest. I pushed to be put on meds, and my doc did agree because I had symptoms. I have been started straight away on low dose, then retest in end of jan.. My worry about FA was I seem to have a lot of the side effects of high dose use, so need to keep an eye, also think it may have 'masked' extent of thiroid issue. Anyway, I shall go to London, and give you all a break from my (riveting) medical life!

You're not a bad mother angel! I feel like a right weirdo, everyone I know has gone out at least once, most plenty of times!!

Oh green, big hugs, what a shock to see a little baby so close. Yes the grief rears up like that from time to time. Just go with it and you will come to an easier place again before long. IME anniversaries or christmas/NY tend to be when that happens to me. Interesting that you are on high FA too, though it sounds like for different reasons, because of Merryn rather than a deficiency in you? I would def ask about staying on it, but to reassure you, the B vitamins are water soluble so an excess you just wee out. Your body can't store more than a few days of folate hence why you have to keep taking it if they identify a need.

My experience of thyroid issues has been that the docs were very laid back and wait and see over it, which might have been ok in "normal" life but when ttc/pg I was very anxious about. I did a load of reading and was quite persistent and eventually was started on thyroxine when 18 weeks pg with Freya. If they are not keen to medicate then please do ensure that they monitor you very closely and keep doing bloods, because thyroid stuff can change very fast in pregnancy. I found that I had to book bloods myself as they never automatically summoned me, had to be quite proactive.

If they are just in the process of diagnosis, it's worth knowing that it's quite common for hypothyroid people to be deficient or low in a number of other important vitamins so do ask to be tested for those too, esp as you are ttc. If these are low then apparently it can be harder for your body to use the thyroxine effectively. They are: folate (folic acid), vitamin B12, vitamin D, iron and ferritin. I have been found to be a bit crap in all except iron so have chosen to take high strength supplements and am being retested in 6 months incase I need B12 injections.
I found the Thyroid Patient Advocacy a helpful site, the Thyroid foundation, and British Thyroid association also good.
here is a gem of a site - Clinical Knowledge site, it's an NH site with full info for doctors on diagnosis, treatment and management and there's a whole section on ttc and pregnancy.

Hope that's useful, sorry to bombard you with stuff, I just found it hard to make sense of the info and blood tests for a while and these were the mot ueful places to get info. I will shut up now!!

Have a fab weekend in London xx