Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

Very sorry to welcome coco and literary to the thread, but I am glad you found your way here. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies. So much lov in your posts and your stories. I lost my first daughter Bobbie at 20 weeks in October 2010, probably due to my toxoplasmosis infection. My second little girl, Freya, is now 16 months old and snoring next to me. coco I can so relate to what you say about the pressure of getting a bump. God yes. When pg with Freya I really couldn't bring myself to even say the words "I am pregnant" to people. I didn't have the confidence. One day at a time and we will all be here to hold your hand.

green a very tentative little whooop!! for you. I have everything crossed that this little hint of line is all you are hoping for and more xx If it helps, everything I have read (and I've read a fair bit!) says that a controlled and medicated case of hypothyroidism does not create any extra risks for you/baby compared to a "normal" person. The risk is for an untreated case of hypothyroidism. You are now on thyroxine so you are in a very good position. Obviously it's important they get the dosage more or less right asap, have a read of the NHS guidance, maybe print out any relevant bits and get yourself to the GPs as soon as you can. Also GP notebook is a useful page. Definitely ask for an urgent referral to an endocrinologist but don't let the GP use the referral as an excuse not to monitor/treat you in the meantime. Lots of love and luck xxx
PS - might not need to electrocute your bum after all

rainbox I am thrilled that you have had such a good scan. Bless little Dexter, what a good job he's doing of looking out for his little brother or sister.

I had a big wobble this morning. Went to a church playgroup with Freya and the vicar was doing a little christmas story for the children and then got us all to sing Away in a manger. I was losing it over the line "bless all the dear children in thy tender care". I could see all of our faces, and all our children were just right there. So much heartbreak. So much pain. These snap moments that jolt you visciously from "normality" back into a place of deep and vivid grief are just so hard. They make me tremble and sweat and I feel so damaged. It's testament isn't it to how loved, wanted and missed all our children our that we hurt like this.

Hello everyone. Sorry I've not been on here much recently. New job, plus DS1, plus Christmas seems to be taking up all my time. I am lurking when I can though to see how you're all doing.

I'm now 22+3 and had my anomaly scan on Monay (they do it later here). Good news is that DS3 is seemingly fine and is growing well. The subchorionic haematoma is starting to shrink finally and I've had no more bleeding which is great. My gyanecologist is now saying I can be induced at 38 weeks, as I'll have to stop the blood thinner injections before the birth so they need to plan a date. I'm relieved - anything to make the worry end sooner! I'm still finding it hard to cope with everything and worry about movement a lot. DS3 thankfully is quite a wiggler, but it doesn't stop me worrying unfortunately

So sorry to see some new faces on here. I hate that there are so many of us in the same boat.

OMG Green congrats I m whispering xxx not saying anything else at the mo xxx
Little9 fab news all is going well xxx
Rainbox congrats on your scan xxx
Cocco you describe you re situation well. Sounds c similar to mine, though I had Georgie further on at 41 weeks. You struck a chord with me , that if u were to loose this pg would rather be now. My thoughts exactly when I was pg with Phebs. Before Georgie I 'd had 2 early losses at 8 & 13 weeks. They were devastating at the time but upon reflection after the loss of my real life baby ; Georgie they were nothing. As to me now they re weren t babies , just cells , wheter as Georgie is & was a fully formed darling baby girl. My Phebs was born 1 year & 8 days after loosing Georgie so just to give you hope it can ve done it was incredibly hard mentally. Physically ; fine ( I only finished work 10 days before I had her!!!) but mentally very difficult. I had hormone injections twice weekly up to 14 weeks , scans 2 weekly up to 16 weeks then
4 weekly . Planned section at 37,3 weeks... Take care xxxx
Literally where do u live? If u don t mind me asking? Sounds awful having to beg/ plead to have your baby released. Xxxx
Love to all ; nice to read the good news on here xxxx

Hello everyone. Sorry I have been a bit absent recently. Will catch up properly later but just wanted to say hello and sorry for your losses to coco and literary. I lost my little Daisy at 20 weeks in June this year. We didn't get any answers as to why it happened although the consultant now thinks it may have been due to an infection but no clear cut reason.

I am now 14+5 weeks pregnant and am having nightmares every night at the moment. I am generally coping ok during the day though. My spotting seems to have disappeared after having a course of antibiotics (no infection showing but was given them as a precaution). Don't know if it's coincedence or what. Am having a scan next week on 28th Dec to check my cervix is holding up ok. Just been getting some "bubbles" down below. Not sure if it is the littleun or wind .

Rainbox - so glad for your little heartbeat. FX all continues to go well.

Green - a very quite congratulations to you. Really hope it is a sticky one.

Good luck for your scan coco.

Sorry I haven't name checked properly. Waves to everyone and hope all is well. If I don't manage to get back on here for a while, hope everyone has a good Xmas. DH and I am are both off for two weeks after Friday so really looking forward to relaxing and spending some quality time together. Take care everyone. xx

GREENGOOSE thanks for your help and thanks to everyone else for your kind words and help. I thought I was miscarrying when I first bled but 3 scans later I have a heartbeat but that still doesn't make me stay calm when I bleed again.seems to be every 2 weeks I have a heavy bleed.really confusing because you don't expect it through pregnancy

Coco, yes I have bled at times through the early weeks of every one of my pregnancies, the three that ended in baby, and the three that didn't. It doesn't have to be a bad sign, although obviously its a huge worry. You must be very worried though, I think what we have all been through makes us so aware of what CAN happen, but it doesn't mean it will again, try to take things easy if you can.

Thankyou :). I have a scan on thursday as I had another bleed on friday so will see how that goes.has anyone else had bleeding through pregnancy but things have been ok?

I'd just do whatever necessary to stay sane... whatever you need (whether that's telling DP at this stage or not).
I so hope the GP is helpful again, if you get another positive tomorrow. I'm sure you'll be armed with mountains of info when you call her, that should help, no?
Hope/expect your boys will be a useful distraction for the rest of the day! So much love xxxxxxxxxxxx

KLEINE.... I will call GP in morning if I get another positive, I can't really believe its true right now. I'm worried that the thyroid dose should be raised, but that I might have a fight on my hands to make that happen....
I don't want to tell Dp... I think I will wait until after AF is due and if that passes by then I will tell him, he doesn't need to know right this minute maybe? I'm trying to protect him, but I guess I'll have to tell him if it goes wrong again anyway. Thanks for your lovely words... It means a lot to have such lovely 'friends'.

Oh green............................................ Lovie, I am delighted, I cannot tell you how much - but, in a quiet kind of fashion, as I know this is simultaneously everything you want and everything you fear. Can you call the GP, the one who was going to do the research for you?
Now I really have got everything crossed. I hope so so so so so so so (etc) much that this is your rainbow baby. Hand holding from afar and you know I'm here if you need me xxxxxxxxxxxx

literary I'm sorry I didn't answer your post properly earlier - I was in a bit of a rush. You have been through a very, very hard time, haven't you. I can't imagine having had to fight the hospital for my child's body.
Terrifying - yup, good word for trying again. Personally I'm not sure what I would be doing without the support here on MN if I want to rant, cry or wail (going completely round the bend, I suspect)...

coco Phoenix - such a great name - and she sounds wonderful. Looking just like her daddy! How terribly, horribly sad that you can't see her grow up.
I can't really add anything to green's lovely words, she's put it so beautifully, and I very strongly suspect that she's COMPLETELY right. I will just say - utter confusion is normal, to be expected, and sadly just something we have to live with. So, if you can, try not to be worried about feeling confused; just go with it. These aren't normal circumstances, nor are you experiencing normal emotions. Be very gentle on yourself and allow yourself to feel everything - no matter how horrifying, or how 'wrong' it seems, just give yourself permission to feel it. It's ok. Losing a child: oh, it's the worst thing in the world, isn't it. Life falls apart, and you just slowly build something back up again, but it's very different to how it was before. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way about your new pregnancy, but, from reading your words, you sound like such a wonderful mummy to Phoenix, you really do, and I know (even if you can't know if yourself yet) that you will be a wonderful mummy to all your future children too xxx

Positive , not possitive. Sorry, bit dyslexic.

Ladies, I need some (Valium) hand holding. I have just got a very little skinny not big or fat at all possitive. I don't know if it is real, or left overs, but yesterday it was neg. I did it again today as I didn't feel like chocolate, a sure sign something is up. Obviously I have only just started on the thyroid meds, so am expecting it not to stick, but maybe.... Just maybe? Please?

Coco, Phoenix sounds gorgeous, I'm so sorry she isn't with you. Your confusion and love shine through your words, and I'm not surprised you are worried, but if this little one you carry makes it you will be their mummy and know how to love them, the same feeling you had when you saw your daughter will be their, I'm sure. I have two boys, and I worried I could never love anything or anyone as much as my first, but when my second baby was handed to me it was not a worry from that second on....your first baby teaches you how to love I think.

Literary.... Your words about your little one really touched me. You are such a good mummy fighting to give him his place in your family, and to say goodbye properly. You are very very welcome here, but your other thread also sounds like a good idea, so many mums need to be supporting each other, it's so sad.

KLEINE.... I'm glad you find our SWI situation amusing....!

Hi everbody such a lovely welcome brings a tear to my eye but a smile to my face.and I do wish none of us went through what we have but its nice that none of us are alone

I had my daughter phoenix at 27+5 on 10/08/12 this was my 4th pregnancy however I have had 3 early miscarriages in my first pregnancies. After getting to the 12week scan I settled down slightly and as the time went on I got more and more excited.I can't even explain the love I felt before she was even here. When I could feel her kick and when other people could place their hand on my bump and feel her I was so so happy, she had her own personality already she would be booting the hell out of me but when she heard daddy she would stop (little bugger) and she liked her nannys voice :). I was told at the 20 week scan that she was small so I went for a routine scan every fortnight after that. I still tried to stay positive (as all the girls in my family were born small and still are small). However on 08/08/12 we were told our daughter had no heartbeat :(.I couldn't even register what I was feeling at that moment I just wanted the whole world to stop spinning. 2 days later I was put into labour they started me off at 9am and phoenix was born at 7:15pm. The labour wasn't easy I'm not sure whether it was more the physical or emotional or both combined.eventhough I knew that she wasn't alive the silence at the end was heartbreaking, I still had hope that they were wrong.

Afterwards I couldn't see her straight away I just lay there numb.when I did see her I couldn't believe I had created such a beautiful little person. She looked just like her daddy. I picked her up and lay with her for a while I just forgot about everything and everyone else.although she wasn't breathing I wanted a moment with her.

The following days I was in autopilot trying to organise her funeral. It all happens so so fast. I thought the funeral would give me 'closure' and I felt slightly better afterwards but I now know I was just trying to push everything aside which you can't do.people would tell me I am so strong and a lot of the time I had to console them.

When her due date came by I was a complete mess all over again there are a lot of people around me who have recently had babies or are pregnant.although I am happy for them it kills me to hear them talk about the things they do with theirr children because I miss everything me and my daughter almost had the things we should of had.

I thought if I was to get pregnant it would take away all the pain. However I am 8 weeks pregnant now and feel I regret becoming pregnant so soon.I was ok when I first found I was pregnant however already I have had 3 large bleeds and I just keep thinking if this isn't going to work please be now and not in the later stages.I don't even want to get a bump because I feel there will be more 'pressure' then that a baby should come at the end of it.I feel terrible as I don't feel I can bond with this pregnancy and although I couldn't have an abortion I just keep thinking my mom is going to have to have him or her when they come.this baby is due 4 days before my daughter was born and I don't know how I am going to cope with a new baby and the grief of the first anniversary of phoenix.I'm scared I won't be able to give this baby everything I was ready to give phoenix.

I'm so so confused about how I feel.I have always wanted to be a mommy and now I don't even have a child here and it seems so so hard.

Another one offering a warm, but sad welcome and lots of hand-holding if needed to literary and coco. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your babies. We are all here to help, to understand, and to get you through...
I lost my first child, a gorgeous little girl, in June at the age of 2 days. There was an undiagnosed problem with the umbilical cord which meant that when labour began (I was induced at 42 weeks), she was severely brain damaged. I miss her more than I can say. I have just had an early MC, and DH and I are just hoping beyond hope for a second child one day.

I haven't got much time but I just wanted to say green I am at "the sort of carpet you would electrocute your bum on" ha ha! Sounds like a pillows-and-duvet-on-the-floor job to me.... I hope you manage ok today, lovely, you are very very kind to help out your friend.
Hello to blue, it's fab to see you, and I'm glad that L is doing so very well.
angel Phebs sounds like she was so sweet at your Christmas do!! But what is a fuddle? Is it a spellchecker typo, or just a word I should know but don't? Please help me out of my confusion...
blizy just wondering how you're doing, hope you are managing.
Also rainbox I think you said your early scan was round about now - I have everything crossed for you (well, not everything, I am ttc after all , but everything else...)

Love to everyone. I am ok, really hoping that the MC is over now. green I forgot to say thank you for the advice before; I am not feeling too different in the aftermath, really, but if I start to feel all over the place, I will definitely make sure to remember that my hormones are still a bit bonkers. I have been taking my vitamins and eating well, yes, so, a gold star for me! Off out now, lots of love xx

Hello, and thanks for the warm welcomes. I'm so sorry all of us have to be here indeed but glad that those of you who've been here for a while have found friends and support.

I don't really have too much to say about our baby. We didn't name him officially and refer to him by the foolish nicknames we had for him when I was pregnant... a name felt too heavy for such a little baby to carry. We had a hard time also because the rules in my country are that bodies aren't released by a hospital before 20 weeks. I begged and pleaded and my dad asked nicely and my doctor made a special request so they broke the rules for us. As a result, he could be taken home and was ultimately buried the same day (because the local church broke some rules too) with my grandparents and great-grandparents in the family grave. We gave him that dignity.

We have no other children and this has been very hard because a lot of innocent, first-time parent dreams were caught up and shattered at the same time. We want to try again but it's terrifying -- also because none of the tests done showed anything out of the ordinary.

Thanks for listening. He should have been here but he isn't. It's just hard all round. I am not Buddhist but take the most comfort from the idea that he has gone to another life somewhere else. Not quite heaven, just another life. But this comforts me only some of the time.

I've started a separate thread today for people who are TTC after a second-trimester loss... more because the physical experiences, problems, causes and therefore fears are different with a loss in the second trimester. Do drop in if you fall in that category and would like to have a place to just talk.

Hi Cocco + Literally sorry for your losses. We certainly understand . My first dd was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 ; Georgie. I ve since had my 2 nd dd:: Phoebe 14 months ago. Anything you say on here we re be able to relate & empathise as we ve all experienced the same. Xxxx
Blue Arh bless miss L' s weight gain .. Why not spoil your girls? Phebs has way too many Xmas pressies from us alone but I think we never got the chance with Georgie so bugger it why not? Xxx
Sorry you re out this month Green but you sound okish about it... Xmas to look forewards to with your boys. Xxx
Kleine hope all you re bleeding has finally stopped. It's being going on long enough for you now...xxx
Hi all; hope you re all ok? Nice Xmas fuddle at work yesterday ; Phebs good as gold just fascinated by everyone she was virtually mute for 2 hours then the minute we re back in the car chattering away!!!!!

Welcome to LITERARY and COCO, I'm glad you have found this thread, it's full of amazing lovely ladies, but as always I'm so sorry any of us need to be here. It would be lovely to know more of your stories, and hear about your babies, if you would like to tell us, that is.
My DD Merryn was born at 32 weeks in April and fought for six days in PICU in GOSH, after an operation to remove a tumour failed. We miss her all the time. We also have two DSs. I have just started trying again after a MC, (which was my third). We are still hoping for a rainbow, we will see.

I packed up a sack of maternity clothes for a friend today, she is high risk, both for loosing the baby and for her DC having problems after birth. I hope her story has a happy ending, I'm so scared for her. I need to work out what I want to keep and give away, it's so hard to part with Merryns things, but my friend is really hard up, and going through hell herself, so I need to try to help where I can. It just hurts to sort through things. I would have had to do it one day....I will still hang onto lots of bits.

I hope everyone is bearing up... It's grotty here, wet and windy, but I am going for a 'bracing' dog walk with my BFF and then for a coffee or three with lots of mums (friends from DS2 being little) so am looking forward to that... Love to all!

A very warm but sad welcome literary and coco

Please do tell us about your darling children!

I lost my precious Sterre last year at 20+4weeks. I had my beautiful rainbow girl last month.

Another one shyly poking head around door to join this thread. I'm not pregnant or even TTC yet after losing our little lost boy 3.5 months ago, at 18+6 weeks. But hope to start TTC in February.

I miss my baby terribly and it's so very hard right now, when I should have been heavily pregnant and complaining and waiting to welcome him.

Can I join this thread?I had a beautiful daughter just over 18 weeks ago who was born an angel.I am pregnant now but I'm a mess with worry and struggling to place my feelings. This thread seems helpful but also friendly :).

FAN, thanks for your lovely lovely offer to help re Merryns Tree. I have emailed a couple of nurseries that might get back to me, but haven't yet. It appears to be an awkward tree to find, hopefully not because it's difficult to grow! If it's no trouble for you to ask, it's called a Chestnut Leaved Oak, and the 'posh' name is Quercus Castaneifolia. We dont want a mature one, just a little thing is fine! If we can't find it we'll just have to choose something else.
How are you? Your talk of Christmas decorations spurred me on and in a fit of activity I now have one room looking ready for CD, but I can't get our fairy lights working! Will have to be a sad female and wait till fri on Dp getting back from Oxford!

In 'other news' I am out this month... Very pmty and neg on test. (i always 'just know' so money on tests is a bit silly, but i can't help myself) AF due fri. I'm actually ok about it this month, because want to get Thyroid meds sorted before I get up duffed again to give it the best chance. It also means I can pig out on naughty stuff over Christmas and not worry.
The tricky thing is next ov date is when we are at Inlaws, and the bed in the spare room is this big metal thing that you just can't SWI quietly on. (sorry if tmi)! The headboard bangs against the wall!! We have previously tried shoving pillows down the back, but it was hopeless. And then we giggled too much and lost all will anyway. Not sure how to get around this. They have the sort of carpet you would electrocute your bum on.....

Anyway, must get some sleep!

hello you lovely ladies!

I'm still lurking, but our little missy is keeping me busy! I'm currently enjoying some computer time to do our Christmas and New Year's online shop while she's asleep in her bouncer! Makes a change, she normally prefers to sleep on top of me!

We had a busy weekend going down to Bristol to celebrate DH's Nannie's 90th birthday! L had lots of cuddles with everyone there, think I only got her back to feed

I'm thinking a lot of you all and wishing everyone who's ttc a rainbow baby in the new year! Hoping that everyone who's pregnant with their rainbow a smooth pregnancy and everyone who has their rainbow lots of cuddles!

My girls will be thoroughly spoilt this Christmas, well 2 of them at least, I think I overdid it slightly on presents...

Grmbl gotta go, the cat just woke L up!

They can't be sure until they take it out. She says they will have a better idea when they remove it as they will check the length and for funnelling.

If it's short, funnelling or already starting to open the chances are it won't be long, also if that's the case taking it out could cause the waters to break. Or just the fact they take it out could cause labour to start.

Nearly ready, im more worried about being emotionally ready. I've spent so long trying not to think about it that it still doesn't seem real.