Round up your ghosties and ghoulies and long legged beasties, the BESH are going to scare out the BFPs!

Ooh. I thought she was singing a special warbly effnic lullaby. She's now reached the chorus and it's turned out to be The Power of Love.

In a nutshell (a special cursed one), unprotected sechs for 8 years, doctorly interventions for 3. PCOS brought under control with a killer combo of weightloss, metformin, ovarian drilling and clomid. Lots of random dildocams and shit too. Just for fun. Because everyone loves a dildocam. No actual baybee to show for it, mind. Currently recovering from second (yes that's right SECOND) ectopic. I'm 34.

Ah fuck. A woman has started to sing for money in my train carriage.

Well, this tale of woe begins on a dark and stormy night...

Not actually a dark and stormy night at all. Events unfolded thusly:

I came off the pill in January 2010, took about eight months for cycles to start. During 2011 I had lots of blood tests which say my hormone levels are all normal. DH has been tested, nothing wrong with him either. Early this year I went for an HSG which was normal, though having two men between my knees looking interestedly at my nether regions was an odd experience. I also had an ultrasound which showed a haemorrhagic cyst on one ovary. About six weeks later I was rescanned, and apparently the cyst was much smaller and there's nothing wrong. So, there's nothing apparently wrong with either of us.

In early May the infertility clinic gave us an official diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" and said we are best off trying IVF. We'll be able to get that on the NHS once we've been trying three years, which will be January 2013. Hopefully our GP will put the referral in before Christmas though.

To get IVF on the NHS I need to lower my BMI to under 30 - despite being not a particularly large person, I am technically "obese" so am trying not to eat much and get out on my bike as much as possible.

That's it, really, not too exciting. I find it weird that no-one worries because DH and I are fairly young (both turning thirty in the next couple of months), so we have "plenty of time". Personally I feel that taking three years when we are theoretically of prime reproducing age is cause for concern, but apparently this is not the case.

So far, the ultrasound scans have been the most distressing - my head seems to think that ultrasound = pregnant, which is hard to deal with. DH is very calm about the whole thing, which helps.

Oh, and of course I'm surrounded by friends who are either pregnant or have recently given birth. I do my best to be happy for them, but inside my head and behind closed doors I am so jealous I can barely see.

What's everyone else's story?

It was the new thread that drew you in wasn't it?

Good name as well evilgiraffe. I'm not familiar with the frolickers. I'm not sure my combination of meh and anger is what they're looking for..

What's your sad and sorry story?

Ooo fresh meat and entertainment. Marvellous. Welcome.

I love giraffes! In an evil witchy way, obviously. And those spotty necks are just right for being a warty hag.

Hello giraffe. Tell us your tale. Or your oldie witchie legende.

Good thing I wasn't there. I would have leapt on him and been arrested.

Woooooo, a "yes" vote!

I have a very well-stocked off-licence near me. It has all manner of different spirits and multiple shelves just for gin. It's BRILLIANT.

Cav is just marvellous isn't he? I saw him in REAL LIFE during the Tour of Britain. Granted, he'd just crashed (and therefore lost the stage) so had a face like thunder, but still, it was him, and I saw him. I nearly expired with excitement.

Ha. That's why I left the Frolickers. I was far too miserable and bitter. They were lovely though. I too never pee of sticks as I just don't see the point. All these excited threads which say "When are you testing????!!!!!!!" Er....why would you test? Unless you're late? Which I never am!

Your impressive listing of various gins impresses me. Very impressive I too lust after Cav - bless his twinkly eyes, curls, and visible package.

I say you're in.

Arrrrgh, apologies for "£100 quid". I did of course mean either £100 or 100 quid.

And yes, Ariel, I was, and still am, a Frolicker. Though there's not much frolicking and far more bitter resignation there these days.

Hello to you and to Frank, anyway!

Righto, here's my submission.

1) Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

I love gin. In order of preference (best first): Tanqueray, Leopold's, Brecon, Hendricks, Whitley Neill, Gordon's, Bombay Sapphire, William Chase.

2) Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Well, both, I think. DH is older than me (just about), but I regularly lust after appreciate gorgeous younger men (actors, sportsmen and the like). Exhibit (a) - Mark Cavendish.

3) Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
a) weewee
b) poopoo
c) foofoo
d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

They're not supposed to go in fully formed, are they? Shit, I've been doing it wrong for YEARS if that's the case...

4) Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

They always fecking well are, so no need to test. But a punch in the kidneys seems reasonable.

5) Is R2D2:
a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
b) the source of all evil.

An adorable robot! Nowhere near as brilliant as Bender from Futurama though, who remains far and away my favourite robot.

6) what colour are your walls?

Some are magnolia, some are blue. All are starting to fade a bit and thus the horrendous bright orange from the previous owners is starting to bleed through.

7) Number of pets?

Two, both cats. One is ancient and grumpy, the other is huge and stupid.

8) Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Jeremy Clarkson... I know, I'm sorry.

9) Lesbian crush?

It has to be Scarlett Johansson. I could not keep my eyes off her arse when watching Avengers Assemble.

10) What are your views on camping?

Camping comes with cycling. This means ample opportunity to ogle DH's rather nice legs, so camping is fine by me.

11) How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?

i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
ii) Over 100 quid
iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Hah, I spent

Evil.....

Weren't you a one time Frolicker?

Evil, old buddy, old pal! How nice of you to join us!

Find the BESHtionnaire and we will commence judgement you've got my vote already

I smell a newbie! Search for BESHtionnaire, find a completed one, copy and paste your answers (try and find one fron the last few months because it was updated a bit!). We will then stick you over the melting pot, light a fire under you, see if you float and judge you accordingly!

Howdy BESHy witches. I have been keeping my beady (glass) eye on you all. Fire and brimstone to all the family gatherings. I am officially on holiday (hooray) and have spent most of the morning lolling on the sofa. Only 2 weeks, 2 hours til my scan not that I'm counting!

Er, hello, I'm new. Someone said something about a questionnaire? What do I need to do to get through the initiation ritual? I have two cats, if that helps.

Frankel that sounds horrific! The tin hat sounds essential.

Tell me bout it! Think we'll need to plan a secret escape route or summat, if it all turns nasty

In better(?) news, FF has reinstated ovulation for Friday, even though my temps have been below the mystical cover line for 2 days now. Praps I'm ill, hence weird temps [coughs feebly]

Ugh, frank. I can imagine that will be a very tense day.

Bloody hell Frank. This makes my Dorset weekend soynd utterly idyllic.

I have to go to a family wedding in Blackpool this weekend. All kinds of "fun" family politics involved - father of the bride (HWHNN's uncle) has paid for 50% of the wedding but is not "allowed" (according to his ex-wife) to give his daughter away, give a father of the bride speech or sit at the top table. The bride is going along with it to keep her fruit loop mother happy.

HWHNN's uncle didn't see either of his children for almost 10 years when he and his wife divorced, but kept paying over and above what the CSA said he had to pay. Meantime the fruit loop told all her family, and the children, that their father had abandoned them and hadn't given her a penny.
She's also banned the uncle's "new" wife (they've been married almost 10 years now!) from the wedding and has been telling her family that they got divorced because he was having an affair with the "new" wife. Conveniently forgetting the fact that they didn't even meet until 6 months after the divorce was finalised

I will be taking a tin hat and casting protection spells all over the place!

Oh, and.... Bear with me....

In Dorset?

Why yes, I'd reccomend it to anyone.

Bada boom.

Well... That's good i suppose norf. A bit gross, but good nonetheless.

Still bleeding here, which is irritating. Do I try and cajole ghj into a bit of sechy fun? Having had no intrest for weeks, I'm now actually gagging for it.

And now I've just grossed myself out.

Dorset is lovely! Though I accept that family may not be.

I am bleeeeeeding. The dead jelly sort. It is gross. I guess hcg has got low enough for all the remnants to give up and come out. (that's what the blood test is measuring, donkey).

I do want to come!

But I have to attend a family do.

In Dorset