Me, Dh and our quest for a baby.....Sorry very long [sad]

I was exactly the same as you, I wasn convinced it was going to take ages, that dh wasn't really bothered, and every time he was too tired etc I took personal offence at it and got so cross!! However despite me not relaxing and driving dh mad it took 3 months the first time and 2 months the 2nd. We tried to 'do it' every three days for 2 weeks around day14+. Really hope it happens for you soon xxx

pussycatmomma, how are you today.

i think some people may have taken my posts a bit wrongly, i didnt mean for you to vent all your ttc frustration on your sister, but she does need to understand you have similar feelings as she for a baby but you dont want to hurt her by becoming pg first, but now is your time, iyswim.

i hope you arefeeling a bit better!

I would also suggest you make love when you both feel like it and throw the persona machine away!.
Although their advertising is persuasive you really do not need to use it and also such results can be misleading.

Your sister's situation is very different from your own.

Your story serves as a warning also to what rigorous timing of intercourse can do to a couple with regards to their relationship. You need to take the pressure off both of you so sex becomes enjoyable again for both of you. Making love two or three times a week throughout the cycle is fine. Don't time sex!!. You don't need to do this.

Pussycat (((hugs))).

A lot of good advice given here already. I know that feeling of wanting a baby, and when you want one you want it “now”. When I started TTC for DS I took the opposite approach. I said to myself that it might take up to a year, however, in my heart of hearts I thought that I would fall pg straight away, I’d known so many other people who had fallen pg the first month so why wouldn’t I be one of them. I refused to do temp charting or buy ovulation sticks or any of that because I didn’t want to be obsessive about having a baby. The first three months were fine, after all, it was going to take time, but as time passed, and time passed, the urge to be pregnant became stronger, and the feeling that it might not happen became stronger as well. After 6 months I was very frustrated. Can’t remember ever jumping my dh during that time though, I think we always “made love”, but I remember crying, remember thinking that DH might leave me if I couldn’t give him a child, even though he reassured me countless times that that would never happen. And at 6 months we decided that maybe it wasn’t going to happen after all and we booked a three week holiday to Australia. Byt the time we went we’d been ttc for 9 months. In my heart I thought that the holiday might make for a relaxing time and we might conceive there, we didn’t. Christmas came and still no bfp. TBH I wasn’t nearly as obsessive about testing back then as I am this time but that’s a discussion for another topic. The new year came and I finally decided I’d had enough. We decided that as we had been trying for a year, it was unlikely we were going to fall pregnant naturally. I didn’t want any assisted conception, I’m all in favour of others doing things like that but they weren’t for me, so we decided to have tests to establish why we weren’t conceiving, and once we had the results, we would tell the family that there weren’t going to be any grandchildren. That month I didn’t think about anything, never even thought about babies, and … voila, I was pregnant. This time we’ve been trying for 10 months, and I’ve almost got to that point again, but this time I have my DS. I think I’m almost worse this time because I know how long it took me last time so I know that it could still happen, and yet it isn’t happening. I just still hold on to the thought that I got the DS I was meant to have because that was when I was due to have him. Any other time, it wouldn’t have been the same baby.

You can’t think about your sister in all this. I know that sounds selfish, but what will you do if she’s unable to conceive? Give up your chances of having a baby because you don’t want to hurt her? That’s not a realistic prospect. I think that although your DH has used your sister as a reason not to start trying, imo he’s not done that maliciously, but more because it’s an easier reason to hear than that he’s just not ready to have a baby, because it’s hard to hear that the person you want to have a baby with, doesn’t want the same thing at that moment. I realize that you want him to want it as much as you do, but reality is that that’s unlikely to happen. Not because he doesn’t want it, but because he’s a man, and for men the biological urge just isn’t the same. You should have a very frank discussion and ask him to be honest with you, even if he knows it may hurt. If he doesn’t want a baby at this point in time, then you need to deal with that, because if he’s not ready to have a baby with you, then this is the wrong time to be trying for one. If he does want a baby but just doesn’t want to be caught up in a ttc obsession, then try to tone it down a bit, make love when you feel like it, not when the persona machine says you should, chances are that if you have a loving relationship, you will make love at a point close to ovulation anyway, and he will know you’re with him because you want to show how much you love him, not because there’s an egg sign on the persona machine and he’s under pressure to perform. Remember that a baby is the result of the love you feel for each other J.

I have to shoot now but feel free to email me if you want to talk, it will work out – you’ll see J>

(((hugs))) xxx

I would actually caution using your sis as an outlet for venting your own ttc frustrations at this stage, especialy if she is undergoing treatment (and is therefore taking additional hormones etc). I know that your pain is very real, but the long slog of infertility and IVF/FET is a journey, and you are at very different points.

Well the relationship with your sister is one thing, but I wouldn't dwell on it at present. It is most likely that both of you will fall pregnant in the next year or two, and that when you look back there won't be an issue of who got there first. It sounds more as if your sister's ttc has been a useful excuse for you to justify postponing ttc yourselves, but in fact your dh probably still wouldn't have been ready anyway.

Given that your dream is about the big package and a relationship that will span years, why do you think that you feel that you need to get pg immediately? The childfree time that you have now will not return for many years.

What are your dh's views on becoming a dad?

thank you, remember your one will be along soon, just you wait and see!!!

pussycatmomma, im leaving now to spend some much needed time with dp now hes off the xbox, i really hope you can get this pain off your chest and out in the open, people may say its unwarranted but pain is pain, it is not irrational.

i will check in and see how you're doing, just remember there is hope, for all of us!!!

you need to sit her down and explain, as a sis she will understand but you do need to be blunt, she needs to know how you feel not just that you are trying, you need to explain you really dotn want to hurt her or make her feel out of place but now is your time to do this and you want her invlolved as much as pos (to be able to talk to and not walk on eggshells) say you understand if she cant as she is in a hard possition but she is your sis and you want her to be there for you the same as you want to be there for her in this.

i can honestly say i bet you are both having similar if not the same feelings and need to share them, it may make it easier!

But I thought that you were putting ttc on hold because your dh didn't feel ready. Having a baby can totally change a relationship, so you are wise to wait for both of you to be ready.

Out of interest, what is it that you desire? Is it a "baby" (they don't stay that way for long), or being pg, or being a mother? What's in your dream that is so strong?

it isnt garbled at all (sp?)! you have the feelings your body is telling you to have, you feel empathy for you sis but you still have your life to lead and your feelings to feel. have you told her your ttc and how you'd feel about it if you fell pg before she did? it might be easier to get that out in the open so it wont be a shock to her which would prob be worse.

and how do you think she would feel if she knew you were putting your life on hold for her?

oh this sounds so familiar!
When trying to concieve ds1 I was like a mad thing.We tried for ...ohhh-must be knocking on two years before i fell pregnant, and i felt like i was going loopy.I was crying all the time and making dh come home at lunch time to have sex because i was ovulating etc.It was really hard.
I think once you have decided that you are ready for a child then you want it now!
But honestly , it's early days.If you want to keep using the ovulation sticks, just have it as your little secret! don't say to him, 'we've got to have sex i'm ovulating', just try and keep it about making love.iyswim.you need to relax.

when i did get pregnant-it was like all my birthdays and christmases coming at once!

It isn't just you.
I'm really trying to fight not thinking about it all the time. I know Dh doesn't want to hear about it, don't really want to discuss it with friends. It's worse also at certain times of the month but at th end fo the day we have our lives to get on with These women have said some realy wise and positive things Pussycat especially jamiesam - although where anyone can get the energy to have sex every other night is beyond me!

i know how you feel, it is one thing to know there are people worse off but its another to think that that means you shouldnt get worked up.

i will tell you something quick.

me and dp are both young (im 19 hes 20) we have been trying for 6 months and i olny got my BFP this month. sometimes things take a while in that respect and its just worth waiting out for.

as for dh, dont pressure him into bding just at the right time, they feel like they'r being used just for sex (which you would think they'd like) try and bd every other day (or so) throughout your cycle (if you can both manage it) and he wont feel like you only want him to make a baby!

make it romantic, try something new, relax and enjoy!!! there will be no midday/midnight romps when you have a baby you'll be too busy/tired!

i hope this helps, i do know its hard especially when other people close to you seem to have no problem (or lots of problems which causes you to worry more!)!!!

{{{{{hug}}}}}}

I've got a quick conception story if you want one - got up the duff at 36, not particularly intentionally. It does happen!

pussycatmomma - I think that some men (well, our dh's anyway?!) find it a turn-off to be jumped on only before ov and then not again until after next af. I definitely became obsessive when ttc no. 3 last autumn - taking temp, plotting (irregular) cycle, bd'ing like mad for around 10 days around poss ov. It started to get me down after 3 months with no result (no's 1 & 2 were conceived really quickly) so I put the thermometer back in the bathroom - and bam, bfp. I know it's a massive cliche, but you have to relax into your new (baby-making) relationship with your dh.

And I know that there are a million 'sure-fire baby making tips', but the one I like is bd every other day - that way, you're sure to bd around the right time, and dh hasn't got a clue when it might be the right time, so he thinks you just love him, and that's the best way to remember making your baby!

Good luck

Maybe your intense desire for a child (which I really understand - been there) is scaring your dh. He may be enjoying having you to himself and fear losing you to a small baby with whom he can't compete. If this is the case, you could certainly help reassure him by ensuring you keep your baby-making efforts in balance with your enjoyment of your life together now (and yes, your sex life too).

Or there could be something more profound going on for him. Who knows. All you can do is ask him in as calm and unpressurising way as possible. And then maybe consider your options (couple counselling?) if he says what you don't want to hear.

I can see how painful this is for you. Very best of luck.