TTC for 10+ months, part 9

Gin - that is interesting about the hair loss. Gah, is there no end to the crazyness of IVF? Thanks for the words of support. Are you still on track for a new cycle in October?

Cosmos - thanks for your words of support too.

Buzzy - how are you feeling this morning? Any chance you two could get away on a holiday or go stay with freinds / rellies for a change of scene?

Good news at this end. I got my LH surge / happy face this morning. I spoke to the clinic. They said no more scans and I am booked in for embryo transfer on Tuesday.

Oh Buzzy i'm sorry, Can you take a days leave and just do something nice for yourself? Hope it seems better in the morning. The session I'm going to is through the Ivf clinic so not sure will see what they say.

Evening ladies! Just a quick phone post from me.

lemons I agree with everyone that you are doing so incredibly well. I feel so much for you. Big hugs.

And buzzy so sorry you are feeling so shit. As sar said, job stress really can't help and neither does shag week pressure. You will get there one day, I know you will.

Welcome back euro! Working long hours appears to have given me the lurgy. You are made of stronger stuff than me!

rabbit great news about the text book cycle, if nothing else, ahem.

joy have a fab holiday.

sar I shed a lot of hair last month, about 3 months after our ivf. Apparently this is normal after an op or with hormone treatment. Maybe this is what happened to you? Your fringe sounds tres cool by the way. And yay for everything going so well this cycle.

Waves to everyone else. I think my chimp would be a bit of a princess (obviously totally unrelated to the lovely princess here), who shrieks and jumps up and down a lot, not unlike my fur baby actually! I think I need a bit of my princess chimp though, or I'd never do anything and never get my baby. Hmm, I probably need to read the book to understand this chimp thing better!

cosmos normally I leave counselling feeling that I have got things off my chest and that its not the end of the world but today I just felt crap, work and stupid colleagues didn't help, I just feel very vulnerable and scared right now, I'm sure it will be fine for you, is it a one off or will you continue

And princess Jon says not to try to hard to relax, that just creates tension. He said when the mind wanders just to observe it has happened and gently bring the mind back. That's part of the practice apparently to observe at different times how much the mind wanders to become more self aware. I can't remember if it was him or someone else who likened thoughts as if they were flowing down a river toward you and to observe them but let them flow past during meditation.

Critter thanks so much for the Jon link, I listened to it whilst I was at acu today. I hadnt thought of Jon via youtube before either. I feel very full of loving kindness toward the world. Though not towards DH who has been calling me Hercule Poirot and laughing himself silly. Git. He said we dont need to worry about being burgled anymore. Seriously does anyone else get this much flack? I must admit have been laughing a lot too but I am simultaneously outraged at his lack of moral support!

Welcome back Euro! (tis me previously known as Carebear). 16 hr days??? Cripes that doesn't sound good, was it enjoyable too or just hard work?

Buzzy oh dear, sorry about the piss and shit. Tis tough times we are in. Did the counselling set this off do you think, was it something they said? I go for the first time this thurs, not sure what to expect.

Sar that sounds very promising about your tubes, glad they are keeping a close eye.

Rabbit you know I'm hand holding too.

Joy you sound like you've booked into the worlds worst spa with that list of treatments lined up! Really hope you get some r&r the next few days in preparation.

Buzzy - sorry for the crappy feelings. It is more than ok and very understandable. I guess your DH'S job situation adds insult to injury. I'm not going to say be positive and things will be better soon as I think right now you are feeling deep distress and sadness. I think it has to come out though and you need to allow yourself tears, stomping, anger and the rest.

What I do know is that there is still lots of hope for you and DH in all aspects of your life. Time is a great healer. Please make sure you spend time with your DH - don't be on your own. What other support systems could you put in to place? Thinking of you. xxx

Rabbit - as others have said, the needles only occasionally cause a tiny drop of blood. But...... if if if ......you need to go down this route - the nurses will give you loads of support - as will we . Now about this cycle - I am soooo pleased that your body is doing exactly as it should. 14 day leutal phase and some leutal phase symptoms sounds great to me. Whatever happens next, your cycles seem happy and healthy to me and that is cause for celebration. You have good tubes, a sparkley womb, good swimmers and a lovely attitude towards life. There is a recipe for success here - the long game is a good one to play. I am really pleased for you after all you have been through. Fingers crossed that AF satys away however.

Joycep - you have a busy schedule coming up over the Autumn - I'm so glad that you have a holiday to look forward to. Im All the things you have to do sound tiring but positive - steps towards meeting your baby. Sorry about the sore, dry face. It's awful how we jump to conclusions - like this must mean menopause. But remember that good FSH / LH measurements you got and all those lovely follies you had at your antral follicle scan. Those results do not sound like a menapausal woman to me. Maybe you just need to drink a bit more water?? and indulge in some lovely cream as per Critter's advice.

Hello to Pout and Nelly and anyone else I have missed - Coco etc.

Sorry to anyone on cd1 and those with mentalling spotting too.

OK - my chimp is called Malachy (first name that entered head) but I think she is a girl . She needs to get well back in her cage. She paid me an unwelcome visit today .

I was at the hairdressers on Saturday (getting the Zooey Deschannel / rock chick fringe cut in) and to cut a long story short she found small sprigs of blondie hairs all over my scalp which are tightly curled up like a ribbon on a present. She was like......"what the hell"..... We anaylysed said freak hairs. My normal hair is very straight. Then she said "aahh either you are pregnant, have had a baby or have been very poorly" . I let on that I had been ill - but really I think it is something to do with the IVF drugs 3 months a go. Cosmo's lip stain reminded me. So our bodies act preganant even when we are not.

I have been having daily scans at the clinic to monitor follicle and womb development to time the FET - which needs to be 6 days after the LH surge. Yesterday the follie was 15mm - today it was 20mm . The nurse was very suprised that my LH hadn't surged today when she tested my pee.
My natural body signs are telling me that my LH surge will come tomorrow. But as the nurse was so surprised the surge wasn't there today based on the size of the follie this made me worry that my follies are growing too large and my natural trigger doesn't happen at the right time. Malachy the chimp came right out of his/her box and started jumping and screaching around the room. The human in me knows that my cycles are normal and I can sense what will happen more than any scan. But geez.....talk about finding something new to mental about. So back for a scan and pee test tomorrow. Does anyone know how big follies are supposed to be around LH surge and ovualtion in nautural cycles?

I am trying really really hard to stay chillled in preperation for the FET. I have had far more support from the clinic in monitoring this cycle than what I was told to expect so that is really good. There has been no evidence of fluid in the tubes on scan during the last few days. The womb linning and follicle look healthy so I need to REMEMBER that assuming I have an embryo which survives the thaw and is a good 'un, then there IS a good chance of this working. .

In my previous fresh medicated cycle I was always being told things that were wrong with my tubes or things that were wrong with my ovaries. I felt like things were crouded in on me and the Dr's spoke with the voice of doom. I can not control the outcome of the next transfer but I can control how I approach it and the treatment plan I choose. If anyone else ever finds themsleves in the FET position, I would recommend natural cycle FET. Of course, I don't have BFP at this stage to prove anything but in terms of how it has been so far, it has been so much easier to cope with and I have been able to lead a fairly normal life and hang on to a little optomism.

rabbit holding your hand really tightly, my fingers are crossed for you, testing is the only way to know for sure. Ovulating later in the cycle won't change the length of your cycle, well it never did mine.

euro welcome back I was thinking about you earlier and wondering when you'd be back.

pout I love a bit of forensics too, I bought myself a True detective mag the other day

joyce enjoy your hols

I have to say I prefer to test, i'd more rather know one way or the other. Well I'm having a massive wobble, went to counselling and usually feel a bit more upbeat but today I feel like the life has been sucked out of me and I just feel pretty fed up with life in general, I don't want to think about anything or have to make any decsions. I'm not even motivated to read about how to control Charlie, I'm happy to let him piss and shit everywhere :(

Hello

Lemons - You are doing really well. Tears and rants are more than ok. It is a necissary part of the grieving process. Like others I have also had a miscarriage and I know the blood loss can be a bit overwhelming. Take care hon - it will be your time again soon. xx

Euro - welcome back and hope the work trip was good. If you don't want to go at it in shag week - give yourself a well deserved month off. Hope you get plenty of rest.

Critter - smear , martinis . Love the meditation advice. Thanks for the cheers for the FET - It really does help.

Pico - hello and welcome. You have had a seriously tough time of it, you poor thing. and But there is plenty of hope for you and in the mean time, I think you will find time spent on this thread a relief and a giggle.

Princess - love the supermarket antics. thanks for the tip about lost posts

Cosmos - that is shame about the brown spotting. But I guess your body needs a little time to settle after the last cycle. Your positive thinking ideas sound very balanced. I think positive thinking does have some small part to play for those who relate to that type of thinking. And probably doesn't have much significance for those who don't use those types of thinking processes. So I think you can't go wrong as long as you are true to yourself. Your 10 year plan is inspirational - thank you, what a good way to look at things.

Gin - sorry Mr Gin hides behind his phone - frustrating for you but I guess it shows the level of pain he feels. Getting him and his pal who's wife has been through the same thing to talk is a great idea!

Hello to Buzz and Doll. Oh and Artemis - so glad the devils illness has finally fecked off.

Will update some more soon.

rabbit I haven't had any blood at all - the needle is tiny. Just a little red spot afterwards where it went in. You made me with your 'give it to me straight!' I am sorry about the mentalling. Non-creepy hand-squeezes.

princess I know, I found the youtube video on my phone yesterday, worked a treat as I didn't even have to fire up my laptop. I'm going to look up the chimp book and have a woo book reading bonanza this weekend.

joy hope you have an amazing time on holiday and get some well-deserved distraction from TTC. I always feel better after a change of scenery. And totally agree on your musings about job changes etc - I feel I have learnt a lot about myself over the past year. It has been f*cking hard but I am proud of the way I have handled things so far. Sorry to hear about the dry skin woe - have you tried rosehip oil? Neal's Yard do an amazing rose facial oil which could help - it's brilliant and smells divine, I get through a lot of it in the winter.

pout Oh, poor you, I am so sorry you are feeling hormonal. I'm with you on the morbid fascination, I hate horror films but often read their synopsises on wikipedia (weird or what) as I am strangely fascinated. I usually regret reading them afterwards. And the finger slicing sounds horrific! Makes me wince just to think about it.

rabbit - oh the hanging and wondering is the worst. I have my fingers crossed, it all sounds positive. II rarely test but i do when I just can't bear the wait. I find a bfn stops the mentalling. Anyway I am hoping soooo much for you.

lemon - so sorry for what you are going through. Just reading brings back all the horrible memories and I feel deeply for you and MrL. But you WILL get another BFP.

nelly - oh i?m sorry aboud CD1. Big hug to you.

pout - i?m so ignorant, does a hysterectomy mean you don?t have periods any more? I?m sure my mum had one but i know she was still having periods in her 50s so i?m a bit confused.

artemis and sarlat - i?m so excited that you lovely ladies will be making it down for the meet up. And Artemis, I am aghast at that article you posted. I was seething when I read it last night. That writer is a troll. I do find it incredible when some mothers claim to have some superior existence to non mothers. It?s not uncommon to hear. My friend said to me at the weekend that my laparascopy was all good preparation for child birth especially if i need a caesarean...she was basically saying it isn?t as bad as child birth. To relate everything back to the pain of childbirth and how nothing can be as painful, pees me off no end!
Sarlat ? you must be super close to FET now. I?m very excited on your behalf. Bloody annoying that you lost that post.

princess - i love your thoughts on your friend being on a different path . That?s exactly how i try and see things [even though this often doesn?t work!] when I?m trying to be positive. I have always been interested in destiny and fate and I remember falling at the final hurdle and missing out on my dream job in television. I was gutted but it lead me to a different crappier job but I would never have met my husband. I sometimes wonder what this experience will lead to and what the gods (in a completely non religious way) have planned. Often positive changes and positive outcomes can come from bad things...and this is part of my reasoning for retraining and trying to sort out my career. WOW ? i have gone so woo. Were we all like this before this crap started because a lot of us are going down this woo philosophical track?

cosmos - i was told 1 in 3 miscarry as well. The vast majority of those though don?t actually realise they are pregnant and would probably never get a bfp. Conception took place but it ultimately failed. So when we all get our bfps , our odds are slightly better than that even though it is still very common. But as we know odds and stats suck! I feel very much settled in for the long haul as well. Trying to deal with that is the big one. I?m sorry you have developed a skin condition. How strange. I?m sure your healthy eating will get everything out of your system though and hopefully your skin will go back to normal. I loathe anything odd appearing on my face. My skin has been weird on my face for ages now, incredibly dry and sand papery. Looked it up and it said the menopause....urgh!

picolina - welcome and i?m very sorry to hear about your awful journey so far. Poor you. as others have said, we are a friendly bunch but i hope you get a bfp very soon.

euro - welcome back. I am trying tot hink what has been happening on here but my brain can?t remember anything .

I go on holiday in a few days. Cannot wait. 3 days where i don?t have to think about anything. after that i feel like a freight train coming my way. A month of antibiotics and no doubt bad thrush, a lap/hysteo, leg lump investigations & hopefully removal, a tooth filling and then my first ivf appt in Nov which is all booked in. Ooh la la.

Oh Rabbit that is both exciting and frustrating at the same time. I haven't been able to hold out in the past. I've got my fingers crossed in an inconspicuous way so that them upstairs (a.k.a. the Fertility Gods) can't see a thing. I really hope this is your month. But if not, you've got ages before Xmas and you still have spring cleaned tubes, womble and regular periods again. I'm glad you are liking the chimp book too. I love all the chimp names today. Doris is a great one I also get the blood thing. There was a bit of a moment (I won't go into details) in A&E last year with an incompetent nurse. I practically passed out. She shouted loudly. DH got angry with said incompetent nurse. My blood - ceiling, wall, curtain and sandals. I think that's where my big fear of blood tests came from. Luckily they have all been smooth so far this year and the fear has subsided a teeny bit.

Euro nice to have you and your spot on sage advice back. I haven't even gone down the Love, Eat, Pray route as even the adverts made me feel itchy. Still what with all my new found love of meditating, maybe I'll just love it now

Lemon Well done for working and resting today. Hats off to you. The Chimp Paradox is a book by a psychiatrist called Dr Steve Peters. It's basically a way of being less emotional and being able to draw on reason and logic to be happier, more confident and successful. He explains this by talking about brain function: the chimp is the limbic (emotional) part of the brain, the human (logical) is the frontal lobe, the computer is another part. It's basically how the chimp is always there, isn't good or bad but needs to be managed and we need to harness our human more. He helps the Team GB cycling squad, other high profile sports people such as Ronnie Wood. I think it's fab and it's really made me think about stuff in a completely new way. I finished today and am going to have to go back through to do some of the exercises. It fits in a lot with what I did with my life coach as well.

Pout I hate doing tests. The probability of negative is so high now I often wonder what's the point. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Critter great tip about using youtube for Jon stuff btw. I wouldn't have thought of that. No excuse not for meditating more often now.

rabbits Hmmm, even with ov piss sticks I find it hard to pinpoint an exact ovulation day. I used to go on ov pain but I read that it doesn't signify egg drop day
Anyways, babble, babble, I don't know what to suggest. I suppose an HPT would give you an idea of what might be going on...though of course I understand completely what you say about a blank HPT not ending the mentalling Have you got any ICs or can you wait it out? I always work on the idea of my longest LP and latest poss ovulation day before even entertaining being "late". I wish I could say that it helped!

Tests are scary aren't they. I shake a bit with anticipation that if there was a God this time might be it and get all carried away with thinking about how happy I would be coming out of the bathroom.

Blood makes me swoon a bit too....weirdly though I love reading foresnics books especially the ones with the gory scenes of crime and post mortem pictures. Maybe it's just RL blood that does for me! Blocks out memories of slicing my finger on the meat slicer when cleaning it and being convinced having seem the blood sprayed around that I had cut my finger off

Welcome back euro. Update from me....still hormonally fat [joy], still not updiffed [joy] and am in the last half of the 2ww of my 2nd Clomid cycle and know that I'm not pregnant [falls off seat with surprise].

Hello picolina My goodness you have been through it. I am so sorry to hear that.
I looked at edemas and was a bit confused. I find it telling that the pain happens for me during what should be the implantation window. Maybe it's just coincidence. What herbs are you taking?

lemons you are so brave you know. I so want to make this go away for you. You are amazing for working. XXX

Although working in mamas and papas would be pretty rubbish.

Thanks euro. It's not a phobia I've ever felt I needed to address as I think it is rational . I can cope with a droplet if I don't have to see it. Mr M will have that pleasure! Even typing this makes me get tingly legs. It's a shame as I would have made a good nurse and I really wanted to be a midwife for ages when I was in my teens. It kind of ruined that! But in hindsight, I can think of no profession I'd like to be in less right now.

Oh and I'm glad you feel up to going outside. When do you get to go back to the hospital. I'm still hoping for a miracle for you you know.

I'm off shooting in a few days. :)

princess the mind wandering thing is completely normal. I recall in Eay Pray Love (which I loathed) there is a bit when the author is on a retreat in India and having teh same problme when meditating. She complains about this to someone who replies along the lines of "you are clearly the first person EVER to have that problem". She clearly found the woman as irritating as I did! When I used to meditate during hathaa yoga, one thing the yoga teacher suggested was that when thoughts come into your head you picture yourself going to put them next to the bags at the back of the room to pick up on the way out and then try to focus again. I found that helpful.

rabbits when I was injecting, about 50% of the time I saw no blood at all. The other 50% I must have hit a capillary and bled a tiny bit. You put the cotton wool straight on it though so you don't really see it.

Thanks lemon I find tests very scary.I think I've only done two this year and one was on doctors orders. My longest luteal phase has been 16 days, twice, but I've always spotted from 12dpo. More likely the ov date was late I think. I really really don't think I'm pregnant but want to know either way now and tests don't actually draw a line under it for me. I guess they would if there were two lines. That weren't drawn on with a felt tip.

Oh and welcome to picolina and sorry about the terrible shit you have been through.

And welcome back euro. Sorry no update from me, I have been particularly self-centred while you were away!

That is exciting rabbit. For what it's worth, I found testing particularly petrifying with my BFP (but I wanted to find out with DH instead of just getting the clinic's phone call). So I bit the bullet at 6am. But then I am very regular and I was definitely over longest LP length. Also gassiness was my primary pg-symptom.

Do tell me a bit more about the chimp-man, I think he might be helpful to me!

Here I did the work I absolutely needed to do today, so that was good. Now I am shattered, but planning on going outside for a while tonight because that usually makes me feel better.

I'm running wildly amongst the tents in two week wait angst. I feel I've done very well since the July meltdown in keeping happy and getting on with life. But am having a slight wibbly and need a hand hold. I'm 14dpo according to ff which ties in with ewcm but the temp rise was fairly slow. Now tomorrow will be the official ff test day. My chart is triphasic again and no spotting at all. I've also accrued 80 points of symptoms which is a first but really they are normal luteal things for me like sore ish boobs, cm etc except I've been horribly gassy . however, I had a distinctly period like pain earlier and I don't feel especially different. I'm thinking I ovd later which is annoying. Either way,it all a bit mentally. I can test and be disappointed, wait for spotting and be disappointed or a temp drop. I never test early says I have white space phobia.
For a few days I've felt really cheered that I might just have down it but it's all left me and now I just feel scared of the let down. I can manage a lot of the sadness of all this far more now than I used to but I don't seem to be able to get the hang of not feeling shite on cd1. I have never managed one without crying.

lemon I'm sorry you are having to deal with physical side of things, it sounds incredibly difficult and I hope you don't have to suffer them for too long. I do think you are being very brave. Being at home sounds like a good plan. This will pass but it's horrible it has to be there in the first place.

artemis I hated her article! It was a thinly disguised mums are better than non mums and what awful shite that you can only have a deeper empathy of human emotions once you've pushed a baby out of your fanny. What if you had a c section? What about women who have experienced grief, infertility, famine, rape and loss? And actually you dont have to experience extreme pieces of life to be deeply empathetic. I'd like to shout at her! Smug cow. Ah that's better

princess I started the chimp book. It has been helpful a bit in managing the mentals. I can be logical that it is highly unlikely I'm pregnant and think ahead to the next month and accept it. Doris finds that very very difficult. I'm not far away from buzzy in terms of shot throwing! I'm going to read a bit more after posting this. I like the visual aspect of it lots.im glad you are finding tools to manage things a little more. I don't think woo will get me diffed. I'm happy to pay money to have my acu listen to me and give sound advice ( the needles might do something too I hope). I'll concede that healthy living has got to be good. But mostly breathing and meditations just help me to manage the day to day crapness of not being that ace at sprogging. Negative months, positive months, there has never been a baby.

critter how's the injecting going? I blank out that I may ever have to do that. I'm not needle phobic but I am very very blood phobic. I cant look at it and find my own periods a challenge. I faint if I see a lot of it in an accident. I found my hematoma horrifying and have never been able to help a child who injured themselves because I've usually been out for the count (I did have teaching assistants though!). It's not that grown up when I read back! Tell it to me straight, do you see your own blood!?

cosmos oh bums about the pigmentation. I had a bit of that on the pill and it did go with time. I'm sure it isn't as noticeable as you think it is. I do think when I look at my stomach that having a c section type scar is really taking the piss. If anyone saw me naked, they would think I was a mother. I try not to think about it too much.

picolina sorry your journey has been so long and trying. It does sound thought that with the right treatment you will get there in the end. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

euro welcome back.

nelly crap at cd1. Preg tests and periods seem to attract each other in my book, it sucks. Hope you're ok, well done for keeping positive.

Waves to everyone else. I'm going to squeeze my pelvic floor muscles to push out the spotting and be done with this torment!!

princess I found my mind wandering too - my sister (who meditates a lot) tells me that this is normal and ok! She says that by just sitting down to do it, you are doing good, and that even if you can focus for 10 seconds, it's beneficial. I maybe had five minutes of full concentration in that whole 40 minute meditation, but it still made me feel much better than before. You are doing a wonderful thing by making the space for it, even if it's a struggle. I haven't tried Zita but I do love me some Jon, there is so much compassion in his voice.

euro welcome, we've missed you! 16 hour days sound no fun at all - I agree with princess, perhaps a bit of shooting to relax? Well done on the relaxed approach to shag week. My news is that I'm on to my first cycle with Gonal F injections and feeling a million times better than I did on Clomid.

Critter and Cosmos I'm just coming round from a late lunch 'loving kindness' meditation session.... I am really starting to love all of this stuff. It's a real enlightenment. Thanks to you both :) I may have to get some more guided meditations. There is something much more soothing about Jon Kabat-Zinn than there is about Zita, but she definitely has her place and I will still listen to her every night before bed. I also found my mind wandering off in the longer 'loving kindness' meditation and think I will put some effort into my focus :)

Euro welcome back :) Glad you are feeling ok about TTC and work has been a useful distraction. I hope you'll be doing lots of stuff to wind down and relax... spot of shooting or something? I don't think I could possibly provide you with a run down as so much has been happening with everyone! In my news, it's all about the Chimp Paradox book, life coaching, moving house and not being so hung up about getting pregnant. When I say moving house, I'm still in my flat surrounded by boxes, I'm not at the PiL's and there is still a license to assign issue raging on. So we will most likely be here for another week (this keeps happening every week so I'm convinced that we will never be out!!) Anyway, as part of my therapy / life coaching I've planned my child free future as an alternative and I'm really starting to reap some benefits of putting time into all this mind/brain stuff. I too am in shagweek but with zero expectations of actual conception.