Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Amy, meant to say that my dates wound up very close also - Thea was born on 13 March 2011; Maia on 9 March 2012. The consultant scheduled my CS early to make sure I had had M before Thea's birthday. She said otherwise it would be sod's law that I would go into labour on the 13th.

Green, hope you're okay. Stick, little one! You two can both do it.

Wtw, you are totally allowed to feel sad and miss Erin! Grr, I hate this idea that the rainbow baby is a replacement and everything is okay now. It isn't. Our babies still aren't here, and nothing can change that. Our rainbow babies are so wonderful but we should have had both them and our angels. The only thing I have to do is not cry in front of Maia - my Gma had a stillborn baby, Simon, who was 2 years younger than Mum, and Mum's first memory is watching her mother cry. I don't want Maia to have sad memories of me, even if she's too little to be forming memories yet.

Spilt, lovely, I hope you can get some help with the birth fear. You need to know that if you choose to stop with Freya, it was your choice and not dictated by fear. Gosh, have you still not got AF back? I haven't either, but M is only 6 months and F is over a year! So yes, it's a moot point here too because I'm presumably not ovulating either. DH is quite keen to have no 3 asap as well. I take your point about sleep, though. M went through a phase of sleeping through the night, but not any more. Oh, and she won't go to sleep for anyone except me. I have to feed her to sleep. We're not co-sleeping because I didn't sleep a wink when I tried it in desperation when she was very little - I lay rigidly on one side until my hip ached, too afraid to move. We're going to try DH soothing her when she wakes up in the evenings from tomorrow.

Fan, I feel guilty thinking about baby no 3 and coming on here and babbling about it when so many of you are still hoping and praying for your first rainbow. I'm sorry if I'm being horribly tactless.

Elly, so pleased your boss came through for you! I told one of my close colleagues at about 7 weeks (I was still signed off at that point - I went back to work 14 weeks after Thea was born, but only lasted a few weeks and then was signed off with stress), and then told my boss and the other managers at 12 weeks. Everyone was very pleased and very nice. People can be very sweet.

Kleine, sweetheart, I'm glad you're feeling happier today. Hang on to those good thoughts too - our angels don't only bring sadness.

Elly glad your boss was understanding. I was scared of telling mine too but she was lovely. I think it would take someone pretty hard hearted not to be happy for us after what we've all been through

Green here for hand holding. It's early enough to be implantation cramping?? Lots of love, it must be scary xxx

Amy totally understand clash of dates. Mine with Holly were very close to Erin's,we only avoided her birthday because of the elcs. It will be hard but we are here xx

Kleine go with the good days sweetheart - your mind and body need a break from grieving. It's okay, it doesn't mean you're moving on or forgetting her. It's just your bodies way of making sure you have strength for the bad days.

Too and Spilt (((hugs ladies))) Too I understand the need to ttc again I really do. Spilt I also understand being too scared to! Financially we can't for at least 4yrs so will leave that big scary decision to one side for now I'm struggling with the notion that I'm no longer allowed to feel sad/miss Erin because I've got Holly when the reality is amazing as she is she doesn't make up for losing Erin and the grief when it hits is just as strong.

Waves Blizy Fan Mias Angel Blue and everyone else

Holly still a feeding monster - I can't keep up!! Spent a nice hour tidying up the cemetery today I do like being able to 'do' something for her. Had a few tears tonight over a dm article about a little girl dying after the mother contracted parvovirus as thats what they initially thought had happened to Erin until the pm showed the cancerous tumours

elly Im so glad, that must be a wait off your shoulders. Its so nice to have an understanding boss.

poppet I always feel guilty for feeling happy

too I totally understand wanting to get pregnant again soon, I think I would be the same. Also as its taking so long to get pg again. Though from what my friend has said after falling pg three months after the birth of her dd1, that that is a bit too close and she wished it had been a year age gap.

amy just take it a day at a time, 'today you are pregnant' thats all you can do. Hugs to you it must be so hard. We are here to hold your hand throughout this pg.

spilt thinking of you lots, and your two girls.

green I hope you are ok.

x posted with you elly. That is great, what a fab boss

Oh bless you kleine. What sort of a weird screwed up world is it where we are worried about being happy?! I so know what you mean. Enjoy the moment. A very wise person wrote on one of the bereavement threads ages ago:

"A friend said to me its like an abyss, in the early days you are on the edge constantly in danger of falling over, as time goes by the abyss still remains you just move a safer distance from the edge. It will always be there and you always have to be prepared to be blown close again during an unexpected storm. Make the most of the calm days."

kleine, yes I totally understand that waiting for the positivity to disappear again, but it's a nice break from all the sadness while it lasts.

Amy, oh that's hard with the dates, I hope you are ok and that your MW and gynae are being supportive and helpful.

Well, I decided to speak to my boss - he's really understanding, I called him to ask if I could meet him at his house after work as I needed to talk to him - he said that he could only think of 2 things that I would need to see him about: either I was pg, or that I was going to resign! He was very pleased & relieved that it was the former rather than the latter!! He is really pleased for us, but understands that it's really scary and that I want to keep it quiet for now. We came up with a plan for tomorrow, and he is going to speak to my other colleague that I was going to pick up in the morning so I don't have to. Feel quite relieved, and pleased that he knows now and will be supportive. He's a really good boss, I'm very lucky.

Hi everyone else xxx

Hope you are having a better day today spilt? You sound a little better. How very, very special about Freya's cot.

elly another vote here for a stomach bug or heavy cold. As it's a Friday, you can be conveniently better for next week... Then you can 'fess up whenever you are happy to tell (or not, depending on how you think your boss will react).

I am having a good day. Does anyone else get worried when they feel happy?! Knowing that it can only be so long until it all crashes down again? It's just part of this, I suppose; the knowledge that there will always, always be another bad patch - particularly when it is such early days. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, or this evening, come to that. It's so lovely to feel more positive, though. And to look at pictures of my little beauty and feel happy to have had her, honoured to be her mummy.

Oh green We're all here with you my friend, and sending all the sticky vibes we can. Tbh pg after loss is a shower of shite but a necessary evil. One day at a time xx

too lovely to hear from you again. Wow trying to crawl already!? What a clever girl, I bet you are loving it.

elly that is a tough one. I would be tying myself in knots too. In the end I told my boss about my pg at about 7 weeks because of sickness, stress, appointments and the need for a risk assessment. I was easier not having a big secret. But I do understand the reluctance to say anything - it feels like a massive vote of confidence that is hard to make. Can you phone up and say you've come down with a stomach bug and can't go?

amy those dates must be very trying. It's hard enough to convince yourself that history will not repeat without the total date symmetry. Maybe try to think of it as a lovely little hello from Thomas to let you know he's looking out for his family. When we bought Freya's cot we started to assemble it and saw the date of manufacture stamped on the base - 9th Oct 2010. Bobbie's birthday. It was such a weird coincidence but makes me happy. I like to think it's her present to her sister.

Thank you all for the birth advice. I have drafted an email to PALS, but holding onto it just now. I think I will send it after Bobbie's birthday. I can't really face dealing with it before then (just incase they actually manage to get back really fast!!)
too no we definitely aren't thinking about ttc atm, so many reasons - neither of us want another baby just yet, not yet had a full night's sleep since F was born, F still cosleeping & feeding, can't face morning sickness just yet, too farking scared of labour and anyhows, I have no periods still due to constant bfing so it's probably impossible anyway! We may well be content to stop at Freya, but I do feel sad that the decision is so largely driven by fear (of pg and birth! Not ready for the head crushing stress of it all!)

blizy good luck with the wait, I hope it goes fast.

angel conversely I hope time is nice and leisurely on your holiday. So sorry for all the relationship stress you are having. I hope this time helps you all to work out what you want. Much love xx

Love to everyone else xx

elly if I was in your shoes I would fake illness, there are plenty of bugs going around. Then when you do tell people you can explain.

green really thinking hard about you. I hope all is well

Oh green, I hope everything is ok, what a terrible, scary time for you - am here for handholding, I hope you are ok xxx

Fx for 2ww fan!

Hope your '2ww' is going ok blizy!!

Cyber-hugs to all - sorry not name checked everyone, my brain isn't working properly at moment (I forgot to take my computer with me to work today so have had to come home to work here instead!!!!)

Hi ladies
Not caught up yet, just hoping that you'll give me a bit of advice:
We have a work's jolly day tomorrow, but someone from another office has very recently been off work with shingles (earlier this week) - I called my mw, and they have advised me to stay away. Sooo, how do I tell work that I can't go? I have organised most of it, and am quiz master etc - it's hard enough explaining why I'm not drinking!
Didn't want to tell my boss at least until after the scan on Monday, but how can I deal with this without lying too much/telling everyone that I'm pg?

Green, thinking of you and hoping that the cramping isn't anything bad. At such an early stage it might not be, anyway. Here to virtually hold your hand!

Amy, how far along are you? Maybe you could just put off telling work until later on. I know it's a new job, so perhaps you just need to settle in a bit first. There's no mad rush to tell anyone, is there?

Spilt, is Freya's birth preying on your mind because you are starting to seriously consider baby no 3? I know M is only 6 months old but I can't stop thinking about the next one. I think it's because I want to get all the scary pregnancies over and done with, even though my brain knows that my body needs a longer rest.

Goodness me this thread is busy at the moment. So sorry so many of us are having a hard time, especially hugs today for spilt - sorry to hear you're feeling so down. But I really don't think you should worry about coming on here and venting - isn't that what we're here for?
mias - you have so much strength. I honestly can't even imagine what you must be going through with so many tough decisions and dates coming up. So glad you have lots of RL support.
green can you maybe see the EPU if the cramping continues? At least they could rule out an ectopic if you're worried?

I'm worrying again. The scan calmed me for about 12 hours! Haven't done anything about telling the new job people about my pregnancy yet as I'm off with DS1 today for a regional festival day when the school is closed. Might deal with it tomorrow. I just worry I'll be jinxing everything, which I know is stupid. For the due date, I already discussed things with my gynae and he said they would only induce me once I got to my due date. They're not very keen on ELCS in Belgium without a medical reason. Although DS1 was an ELCS due to being footling breech, DS2 died in utero, not through birth complications. So, I don't feel any need to request an ELCs really. In any case, my gynae wouldn't do it until 39 weeks so it doesn't seem so important. I would also dearly love more than two children if possible, and another CS would mean any other births would also have to be CS, so I'd rather avoid it if possible.

I am also in a rush, so just quickly wanted to send and support to karen, too, and fan, and everyone else, and will be back later.

mias I have so such a long list of things starting with 'I'm so sorry that..' and 'I can't imagine how hard it is that...' that I would like to say to you. Instead I will just say, I'm so pleased that your parents will be there to support you for Mia's inquest. Is there anything we can do to help, in the run-up, or during the inquest? Other than just being here and listening, I mean? Please, and I really do mean this, let us know if there is. xx

green I know you said you're in a rush, so presume you have other things you need to do today - which may well be a good thing - but just wanted to let you know I'll check in from time to time and will be here for hand-holding whenever you need. I'm so sorry about the cramping, but the test IS a good sign, and I am hoping as strongly as I possibly can that everything will be well.
(Only other thing I wanted to say, which I KNOW you know, but anyway... if the pain gets a lot worse, please do consider EPU just in case of an ectopic. I entirely understand that you otherwise don't want to go in, I really do.)
Much love xxx

Well, bit of a traumatic day here..... Lots of cramping on my left hand side, and obviously much panic. Dp thinks we should go into epu, but to be honest, I've now had this with six pregnancies, and with my two boys and Merryn it was nothing bad, and the other two, well they would have ended anyway. I can't face epu, I really can't. If its going to happen it just will, and having a scan or not wont stop it. Unless its ectopic the most they will say at 5.5 weeks is to come back in another two weeks, and I can't cope with that again. I went out and bought anther two CBD tests, and its gone up to 3+, which has to be a good sign, ( this is how I have known I've MCd before), and the cheapie tests still get darker every day, so I'm not giving up. It just doesnt feel right though.... And I'm usually a good judge of this. Hell.

Anyway, sorry to panic, but I can't tell anyone in RL really, and I needed to tell someone other than DP, who is very matter-of-fact, although he tries to understand!
Sorry not read back, will do later today, in a mad rush, just needed you lot!

Hello everybody! Sorry I've not been around. I haven't caught up with everything, but I wanted to say a big congratulations to Green. Well done you. And Amy and everyone else currently pg. It is petrifying, but you will get through it.

Spilt, so sorry you're going through this with your memories of Freya's birth. You know, you can request a CS if another VB would be too traumatic. I found my CS much easier to recover from than my VB (due to the SPD issues).

Fan, it's lovely to hear you sounding so positive! Glad you're getting some action with the scans etc. Hope the new consultant helps.

Blizy, fingers crossed for MrBlizy's results! Thinking of you.

Angel, so sorry to hear that Ant is being a dick and divorce might be on the cards. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does then it still won't be the hardest thing you've ever dealt with. Hopefully the counselling will help, though.

Wtw, hope little H is doing well!

Blue, not long now!

I think of you all a lot, and I wanted to add my tuppence worth about the bad days still being bad. Yesterday I got a letter about my pension asking me to register to see my statement online. When I did, I was just looking at everything, and one of the things was death benefits - ie, what DH gets if I die. It said something about payments to children under 18, and then it said 'number of children: 2'. That really shook me. I don't know what to do - should I notify them that I don't have 2 living children? I mean, it is highly unlikely that I'll die before Thea would have been 18, so if I don't do anything it probably won't matter. Then there was a miscarriage on bloody Ugly Betty, which I wasn't even watching, it was just on in the background, where they went in for a scan and the baby had no heartbeat. It was the picture of the scan that got me, even though I had lots of good scans with M. Anyway, I spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling M hard and trying not to cry.

M is doing really well, apart from not sleeping for longer than 2.5 hours at a time. She's 6 and a half months now and starting to try to get her knees under her to crawl. She can get her knees or her hands under her, but not both at the same time, so she either has her bum in the air or her head, not both. We've been weaning, as well, which is a bit fraught. I seem to do nothing but wipe food off her, her highchair, her bib, her clothes...Anyway, she's a beautiful happy baby!

Talking of christmas, I have been present searching already, but then DH and I bought one of those electric stove fires so we have had to give each other a budget for crimbo. So have been looking at wool to crochet him some gloves and maybe a hat. There are so many bargains during this season its seams silly not to buy something.

Just starting the tww. We shall see.

amy thinking of you, to have this baby share their due date with your Thomas, must be hard but maybe its a sign from him? Has your midwife or consultant talked about induction before that date?

karen take the strong pg symptoms as a good sign, remember one day at a time and if that's hard just an hour.

miasmum I think you will know if its right to pass on Mias clothes to the baby, don't rush into a desicion that you might regret.

wtw I'm sure the same vicar would be pleased to perform H's christening. Have you heard from Knotty?

babyh thank you again for sharing A with us, it is very brave of you.

spilt my lovely, hugs to you, squeeze Freya, and Bobbie is all around you always. She was a precious little treasure.

Waves to everyone, sometimes I think Autumn makes us aware of time moving on, all the leaves changing colour and falling, and the ever approaching family christmas, it can be tough to deal with. Hugs to you all if you are finding it tough at the moment.

Heard something the other day that sums it all up for me, 'you don't forget you just get used to it'. So true. We get used to carry this grief, but we never forget.

spilt I didn't realise how close Bobbie and Mia are in age. Bobbie is nestled in your heart forever.

DH and I took a break from DIY today and went shopping and - deep breath - bought some baby things. The items we chose were lovely, but it was still hard. I used to love buying Mia new clothes, and it is hard not to look at styles and sizes she should be wearing now. We talked about whether we want this baby to wear some of Mia's newborn growsuits or not, and also discussed if and when we might need to clear out (or at least store) the rest of her clothes and what we should do with them. I can't bear to give them away, but not sure how I feel about seeing her sibling wearing them either. Sad decisions.

30 weeks tomorrow. Gestational diabetes tests are negative, which is good news. Bum muscle is still hurting, more than any pregnancy-related awkwardness. But less than three weeks to go until Mia's inquest... my parents arrive in a fortnight.

green oh yes, it is so complicated emotionally, and like whatever I could (and probably did) write something very similar to your own post. Yet of course you want Merryn's little sibling. It is a difficult balance, love and fear - but I continue to draw strength from angel, whatever, spilt, cheese and others here and their rainbow babies.

fan so glad you have had positive experiences with your consultant. Really hoping that this will turn the corner for you.

blizy yay for the successful date!!

angel not sure at all how you are keeping on top of things at work and at home. Strong woman !!

amy yay for the new job! yay for the scan! But... oh how hard about the due date coinciding with Thomas's due date.

mecha love the Christmas ideas. I am hoping that the internet will save me this year, and that with a big family, we will do a Kris Kringle-type present giving with the adults which means only one present per person...

blue I am enormously jealous of your organisational skills, no way can I attempt Christmas yet!!

babyh baby A is simply gorgeous. Thank you for sharing him with us.

kleine your day with your friend and godson sounds lovely, but no wonder you are tired out. I find that activities around others, if I spend too long with them, enormously draining, even if I enjoyed myself.

whatever a Christmas christening for baby Holly is so appropriate and perfect. Sure the vicar you want can be persuaded to do it!! And no, you are not a wimp...

elly what a tough appointment. I guess it is some small consolation that the consultant had taken such detailed notes about Nancy.

moomins how are you going?

Hi all,

Have posted twice before & my messages seem to go astray. Not sure what's happening there.

Anyhow, 4½wks to go until I see someone at the Hosp (am now 10wks). I am nervous as we need to decide if I'm having an amnio. This is my 5th pg, & we only have one child living (& yes, I do count my blessings). Suspect I might be anaemic as am knackered all the time & need a nap each day (it is need, my body just gives up on me and forces a rest). Concentration is shot to blazes, but think it's because of my previous pgs/mcs/DS death - and knowing there is a 1 in 4 chance of same cond. Nothing Hosp can do atm apart from CVS (we're not doing), but it does mean I don't feel listened to/taken seriously. Not saying that is the case, just it feels that way. And it doesn't help, that some of the latest research I have heard about (from the cons doing it) ref how the condition presents, is being ignored - probably as I can't quote the study, although I can pass on the relevant cons email.

Hope all goes well with you all of you - and that we all have noisy wriggly healthy little ones soon.

spilt yes tears can really help sometimes, can't they. I am glad you feel a little better for it.
Also, you have inadvertently given me a new motto: 'Tomorrow I shall try and be less crap'

Thank you both xx kleine something about your wording unlocked the damn tears finally. Feel better for it, less oppressed.

Sorry to be a useless bugger and contribute knaff all to the thread apart from misery tonight, but you know how it is? Sometimes you can't see past your own fog.

Tomorrow I shall try and be less crap.

Love to all xx

babyh I have just seen your GORGEOUS boy (and yes, it's just posted in the group, so no one else will be able to see... I'm sure the others can back me up on this, as it's a secret group, isn't it). What a beautiful little man. I am so sad for you, but so glad you have pictures. Thank you for showing us xxx

spilt please also have a hug from me. Let it wash over you... we all know what it's like, it's awful, but it's an expression of just how deeply Bobbie sits inside your heart. Much love xxx