Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Hi all - fan, how conflicting. Good that the fibroids aren't too big etc, but how difficult to not have a reason for beanbag & bungle to not have made it. Sending cyber-hugs.

Well, after a sleepless night last night, we got to the hopsital for the scan - baby is fine, little heartbeat etc thank god. We are soooo relieved, I cannot tell you. Dated at just over 8 weeks, so in line with my dates & last scan. Next scan is on 25th Oct, so countdown is on again now!!

Will read back and respond properly tomorrow, just wanted to let you all know how I got on.

Thinking about us all, and sending big hugs xxx

fan gosh that's a mixed bag isn't it. Great that he thinks you are fertile and have every reason to carry safely to term, but I can only imagine the sense of frustration and sadness that it didn't happen for beanbag and bungle. And I know they are following their protocols but it does feel very offhandish and dismissive when the say "go off, get pg, and if you miscarry we'll investigate". As if the emotional cost of a miscarriage isn't significant, and it's all very matter of fact How are you feeling?

green your second heart comment really got me.

mecha I'm on my way! Bringing the and huge stash of crisps mmmm xx

I went out with my pinned on smile this morning, felt very fake. You know when everyone says hi how are you? And you pause and think.... you really want to know?? Today the answer would have been "I feel hollow and heavy inside, and am just pretending to be a normal person". Instead I pretended very well and did the big smile, fine thanks, how are you? Spent this afternoon being a hermit, and cuddling Freya whilst she did a mammoth feed/sleep session infront of Downton. Was lovely actually, fab bit of trashy tele escapism. too I saw you on the Downton thread picking holes in the totally improbable plot Poor Edith. What a twatty git Strallan was to her.

Sorry not to name check, I will read back later. Just thought I would check in and tell you all how it went at the consultant appointment.
I have fibroids as we all know, he said they are not very big and are not making my womb a different shape which is good. He could see nothing wrong. He said it was just unfortunate that I had had so much tragedy this year. But he did say that he is encouraged that I have been pg twice so thinks I must be very fertile. My ovaries look very healthy.

Also he said that if I fall pg again and it is a miscarriage then to be referred straight away to them. Also if it isn't, but if it is a healthy pg then I have to go through the normal channels first and then asked to be referred due to fibroids and stillbirth.

But they did say because Ophelias death was an accident then they wouldn't refer me straight away. I would get extra scans and appointments for reasurrance. He was a nice doctor but a bit blunt and I did come away feeling a bit of a desperate crazy woman but I think that's my own issues, nothing he said.

So there we go, I do feel relieved but also annoyed that there was no reason for beanbag or bungle to have gone full term.

MIASMUMMY, (did feel a bit like I was telling you how to suck eggs, mind, sorry)!

green thank you , that is a much better way of thinking of things. You are right, Mia taught me so very well.

MiasMummy, I guess when I was pregnant with my second boy I felt that I could never have another child so perfect, or beutiful or loved as my first. I worried that they would feel second best. Now they are 10 and 5, and so different, but I think I just grew a second heart. I love my first just as much, and my second too. I just found more love. And then there is Merryn, who I will always love in a different way, full of longing and loss, but just as perfectly. You don't need to worry, I can't promise much on this thread, but I know your heart will swell just as full of love for this new little one as it has for Mia. Your love isn't 'tinged' with a love for Mia, it's informed and perfected by it. She taught you how, didn't she?

mecha I think feelings of conflict and disloyalty are very much part and parcel of wanting a rainbow baby. But our desire for a child does not negate the love we have for our other children.

Green, like you, I think I want to have another little girl, but it is only something I can admit here, never in real life. Everyone keeps telling me I am having a little boy... Mia was absolutely everything I could have ever wished for, and I feel guilty about that for this child growing inside me. They are not her, and they never will be. I know I will love them dearly, but it will always be tinged with a love for my beautiful girl too.

Mecha, missed your dinner party invite! Count me in! I'll bring some pudding.... I'm up for comfort food tonight, so tiramisu I think ( I'm not allowed the coffee or the booze, but it's virtual)!

Quick message, having a little rest while my parents are out... yes we did get to E's grave, it was good to go, despite the mud and rain. Really nice for them, to go again, lay flowers, etc.

Huge waves to green and babyh and mecha and everyone else. Will come back tomorrow or day after and reply properly.
But, mech, I am totally up for a virtual dinner party at yours! I also wish that you lot lived round the corner... In the circumstances, though, virtual parties sound like a good alternative. I'm making Thai pork curry tonight, shall I bring it?

KLEINE, your ILs sound hard work! I understand what you mean about the feeling of 'ownership' over our little ones. I think it is a natural mothering reaction, a kind of protection. I remember the feeling with my two sons, and with our babies not here we are no less their mothers. My Inlaws wanted to hold a mass for Merryn in the NE, and I had a fit. They backed away from the idea, thankfully. Now I feel a bit less strongly about it, but she is 'mine' and I will grieve her in my way, it is all I have. (I did let my FIL bless her and name her while she was in GOSH, and that was hard enough, as I am not religious, but it helped them, he used to be a catholic priest).
I hope the counselling can help your ILs appreciate better how you and their son are feeling, and how they can help you, it sounds like they need help with that!
Have you managed to go to Es grave with your parents? The sun is out here, I hope it shines for you too. Sending you peace and hope. Xxx

MECHA, I wish I could help. I have my 'bad' days from the 12th to the 18th, I remember the hope and terror and pain and shock of it. It's nothing to what my little girl went through, of course. You must not ever think any right thinking person would ever think it is like 'nothing' has happened. All of us are just a blink in the scheme of things, our little ones are a shorter blink, but they have had so much love from us, and will continue to.

I know what you mean about feeling conflicted and disloyal too. I am sitting here six weeks pregnant hoping so much it is a girl. I don't think I want to replace Merryn, but if given the choice this baby would look like her, at least a bit. And I feel more guilty than I thought possible. I would of course love a little boy completely, but I would have to get over a confusing feeling of loss too. So, yes, I understand disloyal. I can, if I am very very lucky replace a baby to my chest, but it is not the baby I long for. I hope I can get to grips soon!

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Yesterday passed, we went to visit him and I did a lot of crying. It's odd, he is of course never far from my thoughts, but I find the 30th- 12th really really hard. It brings everything back so vividly. I remember when he had good days and when he had scares, when I was discharged and when we rushed back in. It is just like a nightmare and I can't escape.

Am working today which does help. Doing Mondays and Fridays til the end of the month then I am back full time and it will be like nothing has changed.

"Speaking" to you all on here really does help, more than I can say, but I am so sorry we all know how this feels.

Thinking about us with hard times and appointments. I think I am due to OV this weekend, so this is our first proper week of SWI and I am rather conflicted. I feel disloyal somehow.

Sorry not to name check, reading and running but I cannot say how much I appreciate you all. Virtual Dinner party at mine later? I really would have you all round if I could x

Morning lovely ladies.

Kliene: So sorry for your DH......in a wierd kind of way I tend to find strength when he is sad and pull myself together a bit. Know what you mean about the ILS trying not to resent them is hard. When my SIL was going to visit with the baby a week last Sunday......I was thinking 'if the boot was on the other foot would it have been acceptable for me to turn up at her home with A?'. I also find I never get annoyed with my own mum and dad so know I am a bit biased in that way. I bet your glad your parents are visiting today....hope E's grave isnt too wet after all the rain we've had x
Sorry about your Nasty cycle......I'm in the same boat as you on that front and dont think ive OV'd this month. Have started taking Royal Jelly in the hope it might regulate me.(Read about it on the SANDS forum) Feel sorry for my DH because my hormones are all over the place at the moment!!

Green: Do you think the ILS didn't mention Merryn because they dont want to upset you? I would like to think thats the reason but hate the thought (like Kliene said) that they are just brushing it under the carpet for their own selfish reasons. Hope its sinking in about the growing rainbow and your getting your head round everything. Roll on 2013 chick I know M like A is always going to be in 2012 but I cant wait for this year to be done with! xxxxxx

PS Sod anyone who googles us.......maybe it will give them a bit of insight into how we are really feeling!!!!

Thinking of ELLY and Fans appointments x

WTW: Love your girls pics before the farm they are stunners x

Hope everyone else is doing ok xxxx

PS my aunt has just texted me. This week marks the 16th anniversary of the death of my cousin, her baby DS2, from SIDS Her words exactly confirm what everyone here has said - it never goes away, but it does get easier xx

green welcome back home (by which I mean to the thread, of course ). I am still so so glad for you that your little bean is ok...
Well done on surviving the weekend. And on mentioning Merryn at your ILs. I expect, like me, it's impossible for you NOT to mention her, but still, well done as I know how hard and weird and awkward it can be.

I know so very exactly what you mean about people possibly reading this - so I try not to share TOO much of other people's stuff - but after that I just try to think, well, if they were to read how I really feel, it's not the end of the world really - is it?
However I am now going to contradict myself completely and say something about someone else's stuff . My ILs, like yours, don't mention our daughter. But they announced on the phone the other day that they are going for bereavement counselling. I am ashamed to say that my first reaction when DH told me, apart from 'what?!', was - they don't get to do that. They don't get to have counselling. Not after they try to sweep her death under the carpet and tell us - have another, it will all be fine, oh and by the way we're having a lovely holiday...

And of COURSE, really, I think it's a good thing. My SIL basically told them they had to do it, as they are being such a PITA. I very much hope it helps our relationship with them. And I am really quite ashamed of how selfish my emotions are at the moment. I feel as if E 'belongs' to DH and I, and we get to decide who can 'share' her, based on how helpful or otherwise they are being. Unbelievably complicated, this grief malarky, isn't it?

Yes, my cycle, or lack of one, is starting to annoy me now. My patience is wearing ever-so-slightly thin. But I fear I may have a few more months of this. So am trying not to go bananas !! DH and I so, so desperately want a chance to try for our second baby...

My parents are on their way here for a couple of days now, so I will take them to E's grave later I think.
Love to all xx

Hi all,
Good luck with your scan today ELLY. I have everything crossed for you.

TWINKLE, of course I remember you! It doesn't seem like enough time has passed for you to be twelve weeks already, iykwim? I doesn't blame you for struggling with what they put on your notes, not very sensitive. I hope they are better in other ways with you....
I also just love the memory quilt idea.

BLIZY, glad you finally got the help from doc. I hope it makes a difference for you.... It's not right that things are so hard.

MECHA, how did yesterday go? It doesnt seem like it can be five months does it? Merryn would have been six months in 11 days, I can't make sense of that. It has got easier, but in other ways it's just the same. I dont go out with friends much anymore, I just don't want to. Maybe that'll change, but not sure it will if I'm honest.
Thanks for your well wishes, I didn't actually have scan, just saw the doc, so no idea really how baby is, just that that's not what cramps were! Don't officially have scan till 12 wks, but may need one at eight weeks for sanity reasons....

BABYH, thanks for your kindness, I hope your trip to town was as good as it could be? I didn't go out much for ages, sometimes I still have to steel myself in our small local town because I always bump into someone. It has got a bit easier now though. Seeing a baby in the sling we had, or the pram still sends me reeling.... Take care lovely lady! Xxx

KLEINE, I hope the week will be gentler than the WE on you and your DH. I'm cross that your cycles are not cycling properly yet, it's not fair. X

TOO, sounds tough at the BF group, these moments tend to jump out don't they? I was getting prescription at chemist and the woman looked me up on system to see if I could have it free because pregnant, this preg wasn't listed yet, but time with Merryn was, and she said something about small gap, and my other baby. It took me a minute to understand, and explain. She tried to be kind I think, but grabbed my hand and said, 'well these things make us stronger'! I just smiled and left.

Waves to FAN, SPLILT and everyone else.

Our WE with ILs is over, glad to be home. It was surreal not only never mentioning Merryn ( I did) but also that they don't know about BFP. Too much unsaid. ( although it has occurred to me how googlable my posts here are, which I wasn't bothered about until BFP, so everyone may know now anyway! Serves them right if they read what's not addressed to them, I guess!) .

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of elly for your scan and fan for your appt today.

Plus a big hug for babyh. How was your weekend, and trip into town? My wkend was ok, but it was DH's turn to feel dreadful. Isn't it just awful when your other half is SO sad and you can't do anything about it...
Also, don't seem to have ov'd, sigh.

Hi all, wishing you a good start to the week.

Good Evening everyone,

Hope the weekend has been kind.

Split: Thank you for your wise words, cant begin to imagine what it will be like after 2 whole years......and that date is fast approaching for you : ( Hope the next couple of weeks are kind............because one thing I'm learning fast is that this is never going to go away, just get a little easier as time passes xxxx

Mech: Thinking of you and Dexter Big hugs xxx

Too: So PROUD of you at the BF group. It would be so easy to say that M was your first born to avoid awkward questions! xxxxx

Fanjo: Thinking of you. Hope your appointment goes ok tomorrow. Waves xxx

Blizy: Hope your doing ok chick xxxxxxxxx

Kliene: Hope the weekend has been kind to you lovely lady xxxxxx

Hello to the rest of you lovely mums. Thinking of all the growing rainbows, theres quite a few now which gives me hope for the future : )

Night Night xxxx

mech how has the day been? I so understand the hiding from the world - there is just such a strong need at times to wallow in your grief. My bereavement midwife described it as being like an animal retiring to a safe place to lick its wounds. I emailed a lovely and newish friend the other day to say that I was struggling with anniversary dates looming, and told her the dates. She sent me a lovely message, but did also say that we'd plan to do some nice things in the next couple of weeks so I wasn't having to be at home too much. I do very much appreciate her kindness, and probably will go on a couple of walks/playgroups, but a big part of me needs to be alone at home to let the dates & the run up do what it needs to. I just feel so tired by the emotional drain and can't face doing things, and struggle to concentrate all over again.

In answer to your question though, and like the others say, the month on month anniversaries will lose a lot of their distressing force, and eventually often do slip by unnoticed. It's not that I don't think of her, - Bobbie is always in my mind somewhere, and so much taht happens has a reference to her - all my attitudes, expectations, anxieties, parenting style, has all been shaped by her little life. But datewise, the focus has become the annual anniversaries for me now. At first every Thursday and Saturday were nightmare days (Thurs was the scan where we saw she'd died, Sat was her birth), then every 7th & 9th, but now it is only October and Feb (due date) that have that potency.

too poor you, what a horrible moment. It's hard enough to say it once, but 3 times in as many minutes. ((hugs))

babyh I wish I could give you a remote to ffwd you through them!! The early days are just awful & so exhausting & you think you will never be able to be alone/be with people/go out/go to work/have fun ever again. But you will, I promise. You learn how to live with your grief and how to function alongside it. It changes you forever, and is always there, but you will feel excitement, hope, joy, hilarity, pleasure again. Initially with guilt, but in time the guilt goes too. It's the old abyss quote I wrote: be prepared to be blown close in an unexpected storm, but make to most of the calm days.

Spilt, have posted on that thread. I hope she comes over here.

Elly, me too with the anniversaries. Most of the time atm I don't know what the date is, so I tend to miss them. But I'm thinking of Thea so much that it doesn't matter. I can't believe it's been 18 months.

Babyh, Mech and Kleine, oh God, the early days. That horrible feeling when you saw someone who didn't know - the sinking feeling of 'what do I say? Can I explain without bursting into tears?' At least as time goes on you gradually see everyone or else the word spreads and it stops happening. Huge hugs, ladies. It will get easier, I promise.

Angel, have a lovely holiday! You deserve it.

Last week I was at a bf group for the first time. There was a woman there whose first language wasn't English (she might have been Polish, but not sure) and she asked me if M was my first. I said no, my first was stillborn. She kind of looked at me and then said 'where is your first baby? At home?' I repeated that she had been stillborn, and then said that she had died, which the lady understood. Surreal moment!

Twinkle- congratulations my lovely! Your little boy is so very handsome, what a cheeky little smile he has. I would be tempted to tipex too.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I am going to start taking them today.

Mecha- i promise you the monthly anniversaries do get easier, it was 19 months since z was born yesterday and I only realised at 9pm when I looked at the date on the laptop. It doesn't mean I don't think about her, she is always in my thoughts. The early days are so hard, just do what you have to in order to get through. Thinking of you and Dexter. X

I an due to ov by the end if next week, I think.

Green- how are you feeling?

Elly- book to the wake up call.

Kleine- hope you are ok?

Babyh- enjoy your weekend.

Sorry of i have forgot some of you, I'm knackered and my head is like mush!

Kliene: Good morning chick. All the things you said about the every day things are so true. Cant handle any group things either. Wish we had a remote control to fast forward these 'Early days'. Hope the day is kind to you my lovely friend xxx

PS Half asleep and totally missed GREENS post. Thank you for helping : )

Green: Lovely news about the scan hope you have a great wkend at the ILS. Would love to see your beautiful Merryn when your ready of course xxxxxx

Morning to the rest of you lovely ladies......Im really late and braving a trip to 'town' today. I so hope I dont bump into anyone I know but havent seen since we lost Ad. xxxxx

Oh goodness so much going on, and I only wanted to write a quick message!! Here goes - huge apologies to everyone I miss...

green GREAT news that the little bean is fine. But so sorry that you require other testing. You really would think you'd deserved an easy ride this time, wouldn't you... grrrr. Hope you have a relaxing weekend with the ILs (is that possible?! Not in my world ).
Oh and re FB - I sent you an invite to the secret group - have a look at the little icons in the top left-hand corner, it should be up there somewhere - if not I will re-send it. Then you will be able to see babyh's photo and others too.

babyh huge hugs. I get it, I really do. It's just impossibly hard, and so unfair.
It occurred to me - your SIL sounded like she'd been so nice (in stark contrast to the other one), and as she's had two years of struggling to conceive, she will possibly understand a teeny, tiny bit of what you are feeling. Do you think you could tell her? Perhaps it would make it easier, over the coming months, if you could explain how happy you are for her, but how devastated for yourselves, and for your own beautiful boy?

elly so glad you decided to tell your boss in the end, and that he was so understanding. Your scan is so soon now; I'm sure it doesn't feel like it's gone quickly for you, but, nearly there...
Thinking of you and mecha with anniversaries this weekend, too. (elly, like you, I find that dates can jump up on me without me noticing - already, and it's not even four months. It's for exactly the same reason as you: I am thinking about E all the time, every day, and nearly constantly at the moment, and so, while anniversary dates are meaningful, they're not that different. Having said that, though, we did find the 3-month one particularly hard... so it's all a bit all over the place, really, isn't it). TOTALLY get the 'hiding from the world' thing. I am really trying not to, but because I can't really handle any group things or doing anything obviously 'social' like going for a drink or dinner with friends yet, it does feel like I'm not really engaged in the world. Instead, friends come here or we go to their houses, so obviously we do see people, but there are things I just can't do yet. I'm not worried - it's early days! mech we're at such a similar stage, it's early days for you, too, lovely lady. If we were still unable to do things in a year's time, we might want to think about getting some help for it, but at this stage, I'm unconcerned for myself, and am equally unconcerned about you needing to hide away - it's just how it is. It IS awful now, yes. But it won't be THIS awful forever. Hugs to you, and thinking of perfect little Dexter xx

split thank you for your kind words, my lovely

blizy I'm very pleased for you that you managed to get a gold-dust GP appt in the end! I so hope the ADs start to work as soon as they can (although I know that may be a little while), and oh just that all manner of good things happen to you and DH in the very, very near future.
How are you and fan doing on the 2ww?
Here in KleinePoppet world, I am possibly about to ovulate. But then I have been possibly about to ovulate all week, and, well, since about July. Hopeful, though!

twinkle a huge congratulations on your 12 week scan and new little bean. It must all be so utterly conflicting. I would also be very upset about having that written on my notes.... If I were you I would be tempted to get the Tippex out (does Tippex still exist? It must do, but I've not used any in so long), and write something more sensitive - whatever you feel would be appropriate. Also, I think I would order stickers from Sands. Would you feel comfortable altering them or asking your MW to do so, would you be able to explain how upset it makes you?

I KNOW I've missed people, despite epic post - sorry sorry... I must get myself dressed and presentable, and try to do something with my day. DH is out this morning but hopefully we can come up with something nice to do later on.

Mech: Thinking of you. So Sad for you that its been 5 whole months since you have held your beautiful boy......some days it feels like forever yet I can still remember all the events like it was a couple of minutes ago. Mine is 3 months next Thursday.....how I wish I could just hold him again and kiss his lovely face and count his eyelashes...........and just do all the things a mother should. Thinking of you xxxx

Twinkle: Hello to you. Congratulations on your preg. Your son is simply Gorgeous with a lovely 'Twinkle' in his eyes. So sorry you lost him the RIP on your notes is just awful....hopefully we can support you on your rainbow journey x

Elly: Sorry the joiner woke you up : ( Morning Waves xxx

Blizy: How are you feeling today? Thinking of you and your lovely Z xxx Thank you for your lovely comments about Adam I Miss him so much xxxx

Hello to everyone else. Gotta go in a hurry but back later xxxx

green, that sounds really positive and reassuring - although I hope the IBS doesn't cause you too much discomfort & pain and that they can give you something to help.