Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Too: just noticed the ghosts and ghoulies lol. I love halloween and so do the kids. Looking forward to Butlins in Bognor at half term. They have late nights in the fair for the kids when all the rides are lit up and the operators get dressed up in costumes and scarey face paints....they chase/scare the kids etc it's really fun. Maybe it will take my mind of everyday RL for a bit we go on the 18th October....staying in a prem inn so we dont have to spend all day traveling on the Friday. Do you get many door knockers trick or treating? xxx

Well dont want to be a moaner but my cycle is up the wall and its really getting to me.

My first AF after losing our lovely boy was 7th September after almost 10 whole weeks which felt like a lifetime. Anyway, as someone who has always been really regular I thought 'great' because at least now we can start hoping for a future rainbow after such a crappy year.

Anyway hoping for some advice if anyone can help. I always get a sign just before I ovulate (egg white sorry TMI) but I definately didnt get it around day 14 so warning bells started to ring that something still wasn't right with my cycle.
Then Thursday 27/9/12 I got 2 specs of blood and thought that seemed a bit strange followed by what appeared to be ov on Tuesday 2/10/12.

My Af didnt arrive on Thursday and I had all the symptoms cramping etc including really heavy pains in my legs (the ones you get when you know your gonna have a heavy cycle) and also a nasty pain in my bottom left groin/side.

In my heart I didnt think I was preg but when you dont come on theres always that little part of you that thinks 'COULD I BE?' all the time trying not to hope against hope iykwim.

So 3 days late and 3 neg tests later I'm defo NOT PREG and no symptoms at all.

Why is life being so cruel to us????? Isnt it enough that our boy is gone. Sorry for the depressing post but cant even calculate when to SWI now. Do you think i should take the 2 specs as being my AF on the 27th and start again. Thinking of buying one of those clear blue monitors and wondered if any of you lovely ladies have used them.

Sorry for feeling sorry for myself I should learn to be more grateful because I have already been blessed with 2 beautiful children xxxxxx

Hello everyone.

Too: Happy birthday chick hope you had a lovely day. So glad your DH included both his girls : ) in your card which is exactly how it should be. Sad as well because I wish he never had to write it in the first place and Thea was here to celebrate with you.

Angel: so sorry Phoebs was ill you must have been worried sick.....so glad everything worked out ok......you sound like you need another holiday to get over the stress. On another point though Im really pleased you and Ant seem to be ok now xxxx

Kliene: Glad you meant some RL bereaved parents.

Split: Poor you with a nasty bug. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon xxxx

Miasmummy: The weather has been nice in the Northwest so hope you had a nice time planting the snowdrops.

Elly: Your day sounds really lovely. So nice you shared your news it sounds like you have good friends in RL to support you on your rainbow journey.

Want to have a right old moan but its gonna take too long so will do another post xxxx

Love to all

Angel, how scary! So glad Phoebs is ok. Glad you and Ant are working through things, though. Love to you with the 10th looming.

Spilt, oh no for being ill! Hope you get better v soon. Thinking of you too, lovey - is Bobbie's birthday the 9th, did you say?

Today is my birthday, so have had a lovely day with DH waiting on me hand and foot! Went to visit Thea and took her some flowers. DH wrote me a card from our babies that said 'To Mummy, love from Thea and Maia xxx' - it was very sweet. I cried a little but in a happy way because Thea had been mentioned in her rightful place.

Kleine, we had a lovely walk too!

angel my goodness - I'm so glad that Phebs is ok - but it sounds horribly, horribly stressful. You definitely deserve a few extra days off work; I hope you can relax a little. Also, so glad to hear that you and Ant have been talking about stuff xx

elly that sounds like such a lovely day out. I'm quite jealous! It's lovely that your friends were supportive when you told them about the pregnancy. And it's good to hear that you have bereaved mum friends in real life too. Well, not 'good', but ykwim!! Every little ounce of support is so crucial, isn't it.
How are you feeling these days - still knackered? Any other fun pg symptoms?!

Love to all, hope all your weekends have been good? Beautiful sunny day here, or at least it was earlier, and we had a lovely walk.

Oh gosh angel, that must have been so scary - I'm so pleased Phebs is feeling better and that you did get a bit of time to relax and spend time together. Its good that you & Ant were able to chat about things too, I hope that you are able to sort things out. I'm sorry your holiday included so much stress, worry & drama, such an absolute nightmare in a foreign country. Rubbish rep as well - its good that you're going to make a complaint about him, afterall that's what they are there for, isn't it? To help if anything happens?

How is everyone today? We went to a local village that has illuminations every year with some friends & their kids - it was really lovely, had a chippy tea, saw the illuminated boats on the river and I had a gorgeous hot choc with cream & marshmallows! We told them about being of as they had already guessed because of me not drinking! Very pleased for us though and understand the worry & scariness too.

Hi all;; love to all having a crap time. Ibiza , well fab apart from Phebs ending up in hospital!!! She travelled fine, bit grizzly the first night put it down to teething & tiredness. This progressed to her not sleeping at night, sleeping loads in the day, not eating & vomitting . We took her to see the dr on Mon am he diagnosed either Bronchilitis due to a chest infection or virus?? Prescribed her AB & a ventolin inhaler. Within 24 hours she was vomitting & not taking any oral fluids. The rep was crap, first choice were crap as we rung them to see if we could get an earlier flight home however , we were told we'd have to pay for flights ourselves & it's the closing week in Ibiza so no flights to be had... Cue; the dr admitting her to a medical clinic & admitted overnight. Her chest x ray fine, blood tests all nad so was diagnosed with
a " big virus" ... No drip as couldn t cannula te her... We stayed over night she had some pro-bioitics for her stomach then a bland diet of potatoes & carrots. She didn t sleep all that night in hospital as teething +++ so we all got to sleep at 06:30 then were discharged from hospital at 09:30!!!
Dr was fab & gave us his private number for her to be re-admitted if required but was all so scarey. I could see the potential for her condition worsening & felt incredibly powerless & trapped as the rep wouldn t help us. Luckily my insurance covered her in pt stay however , we spent a fortune on medications, drs appts, taxis etc...( though will claim it back) . We spent the first 2-3 days trapped in our appt as Phebs either vomitting or asleep ... So scarey worrying about money when you re attending hospital. I loved the NHS before but I really appreciate it now...to not have to worry about money when it's the last concern you should have.
So after been discharged on we'd & making up for lost sleep we had a fab 2.5 days!!! Phebs loved the discos & stayed up to 11 at night enjoying the music , chilled at the pool in the day , stuck to a bland diet as the dr recommended & was an angel again flying home today..
Hotel, food, weather, people & staff were all fabulous could have just done with another week to make up for lost time!!!
We re putting a complaint in against the rep who knew Phebs was ill & had been an in pt but never once contacted us or offered any assistance. Luckily Ant speaks some Spanish I, a little but could still have offered some help etc...,
So, want quite the relaxing week we hoped for however, we ve come through yet another challenge... At first we vowed not to take her back abroad to she was 5/6 as too scarey but now I think it's another scare we ve come through & survived. My girl's a toughie!!!
I ve been in touch with work & off to Thirs ( we'd was my day off anyhow as Georgie's bday) for us to rest up..,
All home now , all well just shattered. Love to all xxxx
Have I missed anything????
Btw: Ant & I ok ish .., working through stuff & was lovely to relax , chill & spend time together as a family ... ( when not in hospital!!!!) xxxx

I hope you feel better soon spilt, D&V is horrid, I had it a few weeks ago - bug going around here.

So pleased it was useful kleine, I have made friends already with a few ladies locally who have also lost babies so I feel like I have good rl support already. Very helpful for DH to be able to talk to other dads who have lost DCs too. I'm just not sure about it tbh, I've never really liked group situations at the best of times never mind in this situation. Will see though.

Thanks all... we had a good time at the meeting last night (although you will always be my first love - ok? ). Such sadness, but so good to share. Met some ladies who I think will become friends, and DH requested meetings with other husbands, so it was a productive evening. elly based on last night I would really recommend going if you wanted to, but if it's just not your thing then of course don't. For me, meeting local mums in the same position was just invaluable; three of us there lost babies within six weeks of each other, so are at a very similar stage.

spilt so sorry you're poorly my love. Yuck. Get well very soon. I hope you're being well looked after by DH and Freya?

mias I may be wrong, but am thinking that it's already time for Mia's inquest next week. I can't imagine what it's like trying to 'prepare' yourselves, but please know I'm thinking of you, and will be, for the time ahead. Please give that lovely rainbow bump of yours a pat from me, too x

Oh barf. I appear to have either got a bug or poisoned myself. At any rate, D&V for the weekend. Lovely Feel very weak.

kleine how was the meeting?

miasmummy not selfish at all, I do think having some idea what to expect is helpful for any hard situation (for me anyway). And tbh none of us are being selfless, just talking in one of the few places we know there will be understanding.

kleine so it seems we have an 'open relationship' then?! Seriously, hope you found the meeting useful.

green echoing the others here about the impossible feelings we have to deal with - grief for our angels, hope for our rainbows. It is very hard. I also went through a very odd time, and barely wanted to acknowledge this pg in the beginning, as I found the need for hope all so terrifying, as I couldn't believe something good might be possible. I still sometimes think that way. Now the baby is moving, that emotion is easier to deal with, but I fully expect that in the last few weeks, my anxiety will appear very strongly once more.

And I also want to thank spilt, too, whatever and shaky for sharing your feelings as you continue to mourn your lost children despite the joy given to you by your rainbows. It is important to know, I think. I am very grateful, as it does give me an insight into what to expect. That sounds incredibly selfish of me, but please know that selflessly baring all your emotional turmoil is very, very helpful.

Off to plant snowdrops tomorrow with a local bereaved parents' group. I hope this sunshine lasts.

I hope your Sands meeting was ok kleine, I've still not been able to go to our local group.

spilt It's not you, it's me....

kleine I feel dumped!
Seriously though, well done for going, I hope you meet some people you can talk to xx
And whoop for definitely ovulating!

Thanks spilt - I just happened to come online now and what lovely timing that was - such wonderful news.

Sorry that I don't have time to name-check today, except to say hi to shakey and I am so sorry to hear about Grace, and also how you are struggling despite the preciousness of your little Rose. It's just hard, plain old hard, all of this, isn't it... I hope you keep on posting again, as it can be so helpful just to write things down and read other people's reactions; it is for me, at least, and I do so hope it will be for you.

We are off to our first Sands meeting tonight. So, basically, I am cheating on you lot Am hopeful of meeting some nice, local people. Am having a few teary, difficult days at the moment, as anticipated after my happier week last week, and am feeling somewhat abandoned by my friends (they ARE trying, well some of them are, but everyone is so busy, and at this stage I just can't do the 'let's put this date next month into the diary' thing that we normally do. And then the rest of them don't know what to say, so they've gone off radar...). It's so damn isolating, this, isn't it? If I had E with me, I'd have met tons of new people during the past four months, but because she died, our friendship circle has shrunk dramatically for the moment. Ugh.
In other news, according to my temp chart I am now officially 3 DPO, ie, I really DID ovulate!! I am not expecting a normal cycle, or anything, but it's progress...

Oooh, hot choc with cream! Am doing low-carb diet but I could have unsweetened cocoa with cream if I send DH to the shop to buy cocoa...

Shakey, how lovely to hear from you! Lots of love to you and Grace and Rose. I'm so sorry that you're struggling atm. Can I ask, how is Rose sleeping? I find all my most negative moments tend to happen when Maia has been going through a bad sleep phase - when she was getting up 5 or 6 times a night about a month ago I was almost literally suicidal. I think the trouble is that when you are exhausted then your mind starts to play on the negatives in your life, and sadly we have some serious negatives to contend with. Not that our babies were negative, on the contrary, but having to learn to live without them is, very much so. I kept either bursting into tears or having to resist tears, continually. I'm going through a happier cycle at the moment, with constant thoughts of Thea and some sadness, but nothing like the misery I was going through a few weeks ago. Maia's now only getting up 2-4 times a night and it makes things much easier.

Green, I'm not offended at all - I was a total mess during pg! It didn't help that the nuchal score at 13 weeks came back with a 1:10 risk of Down's, I had an amnio at 16 weeks which luckily came back clear and I didn't miscarry afterwards, and then at the 20 week scan we discovered that one of Maia's kidneys hadn't developed properly. God, it was horrible. I think I would have been a mess anyway, but all that stuff definitely didn't help.

Check the FB page, there is new rainbow news !

This is just a quick post as I'm waiting to get my hair cut.

shakey its so good to hear from you, I was only yesterday thinking of the first angel thread, you, dachs, cheese razz.
Please post more, we will hold your hand through the tough times. And always remember we will never forget Grace.

Right must run, I will read back later.

Oh wtw looking forward to meeting you tomorrow.

oh god yes, I had a hot choc last night with full cream milk and a heap of marshmallows on top.

Ooh, love onion bhajis spilt!! We had (home made) curry last night with mini bhaji's & samosas - love it!!

Chinese takeaway for us tonight - not had one for months! Enjoy your bhajis (and cake - I could so eat some cake with a hot choc with cream right now. And choc hobnobs!!).

Hi shakey great to hear from you again. Glad to hear Rose is doing so well, incredible that she's nearly 8 months! How is she taking to solids? Is she crawling? Big hugs to you, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I understand and know everything you're describing - the way that the babies just seem to disappear off of everyne else's radar and you feel like you carry the whole responsibility for loving & remembering them and grieving for them all by yourself. I don't mean "responsibility" as in, you begrudge it, but I feel like Bobbie deserves to be remembered and honoured and it is my job and my priviledge as her mother to do that. I do it gladly and instinctively, but I do wish I didn't feel the need to prompt and remind others. Poor you with your DH's comment about the tattoo, I would have been so hurt I often wonder though if other people (our parents, sisters etc) do actually think about our angels far more than we give them credit for. I so rarely speak about her but I know how constantly she is in my mind, maybe they think about her too, despite not saying.

mecha what a heartbreaking post about Dexter's last days. Bless your little boy xx

green good luck for CPs! Sending you strength and hope-you-enjoy-it vibes.

blizy yak to the sickness, how crappy. Not having been on ADs I can't really comment other than to say if it doesn't wear off in a few days I would go back and ask to try something else. They might be able to do a phone consultation and leave you a prescription to collect if you're struggling to see the doctor of choice in person. Did they mention side effects to you? Hope you feel better soon and it's just a initial thing xx

I have somewhat overdosed on cake in the last few days. Oops. I can't seem to help myself sometimes. Definitely guilty of comfort eating. In the early weeks after Bobbie died I used to consume chocolate hobnobs packets in single sittings. They made me feel very slightly better, but only in the actual eating moment, hence whole packets.... Everytime I eat them now I think of her. Choc hobnobs and bananas And Masterchef tthe professionals which I chain watched off the iPlayer for weeks for some reason.

Love to you all for the weekend. Am making onion bhajis for tea tonight. Anyone want some?? xx

Hi all

So much sadness at the moment, i'm so sorry for all of us and our beautiful angels (and other DCs and rainbows of course). Sending cyber-hugs to all xxx

Hi shakey, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling since having Rose, it's so hard - and everyone on here who has had rainbow babies have all experienced the major conflict of emotions, of course Rose hasn't replaced Grace - they are both your lovely girls. No words of wisdom here I'm afraid, I'm only newly pg with (hopefully everything will all go ok) my rainbow, so just starting out on that road, but my thoughts are with you - the ladies on here are so supportive, it's a great place to be able to come and chat, especially if you don't feel like you can talk to anyone in RL.

green, I so hope that your break at CP is ok, and that you are able to have some nice times with your family.

Blizy, I hope that this week passes quickly until DH gets his results. If your ADs are causing you to feel ill, then could you try to get another appt with your doc to talk about it and maybe change the type? I know it's hard for you to get appts with the 'good' doc, so I hope that they can see you, if you decide to.

Have had a bit more spotting this week, but I'm trying not to worry too much - it wasn't as much as last time (even that wasn't much I suppose). Less than 3 weeks now to scan - already counting down! amy and green how are you getting on?

Has anyone got anything nice to look forward to this weekend?

blizy I am just popping on quickly since I am at work so not really here! I was on fluxotine and it made me sick as a dog. Just heartburn and nausea all the time, worse than being pregnant! If it is really getting you down, go back to the doctor and talk to them. There are so many ADs available, there will be one that suits you.

Hugs for all of us x

Just popping on to give hugs to those of you feeling down, especially to split and Bobbie. X

Green- i hope you manage to have a peaceful week, take care.

Nothing new to report here, Dh has the dr next fri for his SA results. I am taking my AD's they are making me feel

BABYH, it's lovely you have a special song to share with your beutiful boy. Xxx

Well, we are off to CPs now.. Don't think that there is Internet there, so I guess I'm off radar for a week. We'll be fine. I'm taking my crochet!

Love to all....I'll be thinking about all of us! Xxxx