Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

fan lovely words.

whatever I won't be on over the weekend as I am away. I want you to know that I am thinking about you and Erin, I will spare a few mins tomorrow to send my thoughts up to her. I hope the day passes by gently. x

Perfectly summed up Fan I know I'm a better mother because of Erin and I'll always be grateful to her for that xx

Lovely words fan. You're right, we're different now so they will always be with us.

I think we have to be thankful for our angels however short their time was with us, we carried them and with that we bonded with them. They were here and they have effected our lives. Their lasting legacy with us is that they changed us, they have made us more aware of how love works.

Never be sorry for talking about your angels, if we cant talk about them here then where can we. Here we understand how precious and special they were, how they will always be apart of us.

We are all at different stages of grief but what stays with us all is how we miss our beloved babies.

I met my boy alive, he lived for 2 hours. He was too little to open his eyes but had a heartbeat and made some reflex breathing movement. His problems made it so that he'd never have taken a real breath. If he was born at term I keep imagining how distressed he'd have been not being able to breathe. Poor poor boy.

His due date has passed now and I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts this week. It means a lot. I do feel calmer now it's passed, the run up was really hard.

Thinking of you tomorrow wtw

Hey whatevertheweather - congratulations on the birth of Holly Elizabeth

And will be thinking of you all tomorrow as you especially remember Erin x

Oh thank goodness I checked again before going - wtw sending you and your family so much love for tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you all.
Heartbreaking, what you said about when Holly opens her eyes...
I hope so much for you that your fears fade with time (I imagine, sadly, that for mums of rainbows, they're always there, at least a little). I am so glad you and DH have K and H with you while you celebrate Erin's birthday. xxx

Good morning ladies!

So sorry I didnt mean to bring you all down. Is the glass half empty or half full? If we could turn the clock back would we? The answer for me is that I'm still so glad I got the chance to meet my lovely boy : ) and he was so worth the 9 months I carried him.

Angel I see you took you Phebs to Disney. We are Disney addicts and have been 6 times!

Thank you for your kind words. I wish Georgie and all of our angels were still with us.

Mech its good that your occupying yourself in fact we going to take the kids to see 'Brave' on the pics a bit later. I wish you had longer than 12 days with your beautiful Dexter.

Kleine Have a lovely weekend. Try and enjoy yourself because life marches on even though we dont want it too.

WTW I remember checking on the kids constantly when we came home from hosp. I was so worried that something would happen to them as well and I'm normally a very laid back person (a bit too laid back TBH so have constantly punished myself for not going to the hozzy sooner...if only!) Please please dont worry or consume yourself with grief at what should be such a happy time with your beautiful new daughter. Remember if Erin had had a life she wouldnt want her mummy to be sad.

Before I sign off to spend some time with my living children I just want to thank you all for your support at this awful awful time so glad I found you all x

Has anyone noticed I dont highlight anything in bold? Im on our newish laptop and only used to the desktop lol must get some further training ha ha

Bye for now x

Hi all, I'm sorry everyone is having a hard time at the minute. So many of you in the dark dark early days. Our children should all be here, it's so unfair that they're not. I was so so desperate for Erin to open her eyes, it's my biggest sadness that although she had a feint heartbeat when she was given to us she couldn't open her eyes. When I see how Holly's face changes from eyes closed to eyes open it makes me realise I never really knew what Erin looked like.

Can't believe that tomorrow it will be a year - how can that be, it honestly seems like yesterday at the moment. I miss her so much. I'm so scared that Holly will be take from us too.

Great advice about maintaining the graves fan dp went up yesterday and turfed Erin's little plot and planted some bulbs ready for spring.

Last Christmas we had to still make the effort for K and totally tried to over compensate and ended up with a house full. It was too much. Especially as it was exactly 4 months on 25th Dec. Going away sounds like a good plan.

Love and hugs to all - so glad we have this thread xxx

angel and mecha .... exactly. They should be here. Nothing else to add really. I spend most of every day in a state of total disbelief that she's not in my arms screaming for milk/sleep/cuddles/or just because she can...

Am away for the bank hol so wanted to send my love to all and hope the weekend treats you kindly x

Morning everyone,

I have had a busy week, so haven't had much time to read here or do much of anything! It is good in a way I suppose, I haven't had much time to think or dwell on things, but I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. Might need to go into hibernation this weekend.

Angel you are so right. I know I was lucky to have 12 days with Dexter, and I should be grateful for that, but I am not. It wasn't enough. He never got to open his eyes, or come out of his incubator and it just makes me angry and sad. I miss him all the time and still can't really believe what has happened.

Thinking about us all today xx

I too wish I'd met my Georgie alive , wish I 'd have seen her with her eyes open & moving & crying... Actually I just wish she'd lived ( like we all do). Xxxxx

Babyh nothing wrong with telling people how crap you feel.. I regularly told everyone the same for about the first 6 months after Georgie... It is the worst scenario anyone can experience and the grieving process is hard & long... Even now, nearly 2 years after loosing Georgie I still can t believe what's happened. Some days I can think of Georgie with pure happy thoughts other days it's just like the initial raw pain is still there... Some days I still feel like I ce been hit with a sledge hammer in the chest as I grieve... Take good care of yourself ... Grief is terribly draining xxx
Ellypoo 6 weeks after Georgie's birthday is Xmas & the first year we were totally the same as you... Didn t celebrate Xmas, didn t do presents, no decorations went up , no Xmas food.., in fact , the only thing we did on Xmas day was visit Georgie's special place with some flowers .. superrbreaks are a fab holiday website for hotels or dinner & breaks etc... Always book with them , they re fab... We ve been to lovely hotels in this country in many cities such as Manchester, Chester ,Lincoln etc... Have a look they re have something for Xmas I m sure...do u fancy Europe??? Normally as cheap to fly away for a couple of days ... Budapest / Kackrow / Prague are all fab places ...
Love to all , hopefully bit by bit we ll all get through though at times it's so hard... Hugs to those of you experiencing a difficult time...xxxxx

Thanks so much for your kind reply Kleine I know your missing your beautiful E so much. I feel so sad that you had this happen to you and selfish in a way because we are already blessed with 2 beautiful children and your not. Someone asked me how I was via text today and i replied 'crap....this wasnt the summer i'd exactly planned!' .......didnt feel like saying I was ok lol
Chin up chick keep being brave
Nite x

elly done

babyh I totally understand what you mean about wishing you had met Adam alive. Totally. I wish you had, too, and many others on here will also know exactly what mean, and I so wish the same for them as well.
We very, very nearly didn't meet our little girl while she was living, and we are both very, very grateful that we did. We knoe that, in these horrible circumstances, we are so fortunate to have had that time. She was resuscitated for over twenty mins before she had a heartbeat (they'd usually stop after ten)...
Anyway I just wanted to send you my love. I hope you can sleep well tonight x

Trickle - so pleased your little one is due soon. I know every day must feel like a lifetime.....hoping these last days fly by for you x

Amyboo - I see you have to go back to work soon : ( must be a rubbish thought. Keeping my fingers crossed for your tiny rainbow

Kliene and Fan -thank you for your ideas for keeping the grave and flowers nice. Fan I feel so much for you after Ophelia and Beanbag and bungle your so so brave

Kliene- Hope the pain of today is easing and tomorrow is a bit brighter. Had a low day as well today. Spent most of the day reading the thread back all the way until late June early July. Feel like Im getting to know everyone that way.

Ellypoo- no wise words for your appointment because my brain is in a muddle as well but just to say Im thinking of you. I so wish I could have met our lovely boy 'alive' even for just 2 days (hope I dont sound jealous because Its not meant in that manner) Nancy is a beautiful name Im already picturing the snowdrops which is a lovely idea. If you give me some ideas of where you would like to go I will do some research for you. I'm not a travel agent by the way but I'm quite good at looking for cheap deals. That reminds me we are going to Butlins in Bognor Regis during the October half term. I need to ring them now and cancel the infant from the booking : ( so wish he was coming with us.....starting to picture the life he will never have now.

Hope everyone else ok today sorry if i missed anyone x

elly I think planting snow drops would be fine, the closer you plant them to the stone the better. Is the stone surrounded by grass or is there a head strip ie earth around the stone? If there is plant them in there if not then near the stone so if they do mow they can mow around them. If you plant them mid grave then they will be mowed over easily. I know if I am mowing very early in the season I will try and go round bulbs and this is easier to do if planted near the stone.
Regards to you going away for Christmas, I dont have any experience myself but two days after Fi died we went away to a cabin in Wiltshire, it was great, to have time to ourselves, and Dh looked after me. Im sure there are plenty of places around the country that you could get a cottage or a cabin or even stay in a hotel. Though a hotel might be expensive, I would go for a private cottage or cabin so the prices wont be too high.

Ooh kleine sorry but I'm not sure how to pm you, is it because your name doesn't have an underline in blue? can you pm me first instead? Sorry, I'm not hugely 'up' on mn!!

Hi kleine yes that's right, id even forgotten the name of it until you put that!! Sorry that our stories are so similar, I will send you my add, thanks so much.

I had a thought of Centreparcs for Christmas maybe - we can take lots of lovely food & drink and then do whatever we like, has anyone been? Think we'll have a look tonight when DH gets back from gym.

elly I think our babies suffered similarly from oxygen deprivation, ie, they had very severe hypoxic ischaemic encephalopathy (HIE)? I know we have a 'similar' situation as well in that both our little girls died after two days
Anyway, if you think it would help, PM me your email address and I can send you the questions we asked our consultant. We had access to a fair bit of research on the topic as well and I could look up articles etc for you if it was useful.

We also plan to spend Christmas away, or if not, then alone at home. Understand totally. Obviously have no tips yet on how best to do it, but will also be very interested to hear what the others have done...

(Can anyone tell I'm having a day where I'm not doing that much and keep coming back to the thread to see if anyone's written anything?! )

Hi ladies.

Well, we've got an appointment with the paediatric consultant who looked after Nancy before they transferred her to LGI in a couple of weeks. I don't really know what I want to ask, my brain is a big muddle at the moment. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks fan for that, I was hoping to plant some snowdrops on Nancy's grave, my friend who's twins are buried a few 'doors' up has told me that we aren't allowed to plant anything though because of them mowing - do you think this would be ok though, as they will come up about the right time of year for her. The cemetary is so well kept, I wouldn't want to do the wrong thing, but I really would like to do that, and they don't keep well in pots.

Also, I think I would really like to go away and escape Christmas this year, as much as possible - does anyone have any suggestions? We live in the East Midlands, and I wouldn't want to go abroad I don't think in case the weather is bad. I'm already dreading Christmas (I usually look forward to it so much, but the excitement of last year and then what happened immediately after it is just going to haunt it), but I think I might want to be back to do something for Nancy's 1st Birthday on 29th with the family but I just don't know. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions for escaping and surviving? Our families totally understand (well, mine do anyway) that we want/need to get away - I just don't know where or anything.

fan you really are so helpful. Thank you. How are you doing?

babyh and poppet, in regards to flowers on graves, as a person who has to cut the grass in graveyards, here's some tips on how to protect your flowers. Put fresh cut flowers in a stone or metal container, you can get them from gardening shops. The plastic ones are very easily destroyed by strimmers and mowers. Also the same with plastic planters. In the graveyards I cut we don't start cutting till mid spring so early flowering bulbs are good to plant on and around the grave, like snowdrops and crocus. Daffs last too long and will end up being cut down too soon.
If they let you I would suggest cutting a head strip around the front of the head stone to plant flowering plants. Then maintain this like a little garden, the more you do this the more the gardeners will respect the grave.
If anyone has any questions regarding graves feel free to ask me.
I hope what I have written helps.

Oh was just quickly refreshing the page before turning my computer off and saw your lovely message miasmummy - thank you so much. That is exactly what I do, and what DH does too. In fact I have just had another message this morning saying 'hope you are ok :-) ' and I will reply later saying (nicely) 'no, I am not, but thank you for getting in touch'... There's just no point pretending, is there? Actually, I couldn't pretend even I wanted to. I'm still at the stage where I feel physically sick if I try to have a conversation about anything apart from our daughter or the two of us. It's an entirely necessary selfishness.

My body is playing silly tricks again, so who knows what my cycle is up to. But we know to expect a lot of weirdness and irregularities. Frustrating, though! Love to all x

amyboo and babyh just try one step at a time, one breath at a time... even a day might seem too huge to deal with. And allow yourself to feel. This is for you too kleine - don't feel you need to be cheerful and positive because others want you to be. They don't know the reality in which you live. Of course, they want you to be ok, because they hate to see you hurting, but they really have no concept. Not would we want them to. But please, if their words hurt, don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry, thank you, I know you mean well, but I am not ready yet. This is incredibly hard." I think they will appreciate your honesty. And basically, if they don't, well, too bad. You are mourning your child, and that is a hell of a lot more important than being polite and brave

trickle wow, you have been very efficient, so glad to hear both you and your body are all ready for the imminent arrival. 3rd September, wow!!

blue Happy birthday!!

angel not sure how you are surviving and working with the amount of sleep you have... hero!

little love the name of your van! Perfect for a gardening business too.