Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Great news about your bro fan, that will be lovely to have them all a bit closer to home again! Glad the fleas are starting to go, hope they have all gone soon.

Mech, how are you feeling after your op? Glad it went well, and I hope that you recover quickly and can start TTC!!

Glad you are settled back at home with Holly WTW, K looks a very proud big sister, love the pics! And so glad that you feel more at peace xx

Hope your appt goes well babyh, we have one with our paediatric consultant on 24th and I'm getting nervous about that already too. It's so hard but we need as many answers as we can get too.

Totally agree with others feelings about life feeling more like a loan which could be called in at any time - it's a desparate feeling, but I am so scared that things will happen to any of us, at any time, I'm becoming quite irrational internally - if I told DH he'd think I'm even more mental than he already does!!

Still not sunk in that I'm pg yet, got doc appt tomorrow, and will hopefully get a scan the week after next (am away with work all next week unfortunately) - I guess it will feel more real then, and also will have a better idea of dates. Doesn't stop me being absolutely terrified that it isn't real/that something will go wrong/every twinge is the start of a mc. I think we all know too much about what can & does go wrong to be able to get remotely excited.

Hi to everyone else

babyh your baby was very much alive! Inside you! He might never have taken a breath outside your womb, or opened his eyes! But that doesn't matter! You carried him, you loved him! big hugs for you... those early days/weeks are so difficult to get through! x

Morning ladies

Tayto: Thank you for your kind message. I will be thinking of you next Tuesday. You were so right in what you said, I did just want to bring my beautiful baby boy home....the blame bit comes in with everything I did in the days leading up to the Wednesday when we went to the hospital. It ranges from everything I ate, hoovering the stairs and why I didnt realise he was in terrible, terrible danger? It was my responsibility to carry him and take care of him and I didnt get him here!

Mia: I'm taking my DH and my mum with me. We are in the process of writing a list of questions. Hope your doing ok. The Christening sounds lovely, I love the way you include Mia in your every day life and thats exactly how it should be. I know its not the same thing (because my baby was never alive) but when we first came home from the hospital the first thing my DH did was frame his photograph and I wondered how people would react.....and his answer to that was if they didnt like it they know where the door is!

Little: Hope you find a lovely place to spread Daisy's Ashes x

WTW: So Glad your beautiful Holly is bringing you some contentment I bet your K is delighted with her new sister!

Greengoose: I'm new here since you've been away. Hope you had a lovely holiday...sorry to hear about the pool incident. My DS fell over backwards in a waterpark in Spain once. The water was really shallow but he was thrashing about and couldnt get up. We were only a couple of feet away and my DH ran in with his trainers on and picked him up. The lifeguard was also right by us and only saw him at the same time we did....it was literally seconds and he came over and kept saying over and over how sorry he was. Your children are bound to have little accidents but everything seems more magnified now....I think if our pool incident had been recent I would have been a bag of nerves as well....dont worry you sound like your doing a great job!

Angel: Glad your a bit brighter : )

Fan: No pets so can't offer any flea advice lol

Mech: How are you after the OP? Thinking of you.

Blizy: Its nice you are keeping your Zoes in her bedroom....I wouldn't want to part with them either!

Hello to everyone else and sorry if I missed anyone. Hope you are all doing ok today. We have started to decorate the kids bedrooms to keep occupied so just gonna go and get stuck into suger soaping the walls ready for the paint! I'm ashamed to say we purchased the paint in May 2011.....yes you heard me right I did say 2011 ha ha no excuses while I'm off on maternity leave not to do it now!

Love to all x

Fan I ve always used Frontline for fleas . No doubt full of chemicals but always does the job... On line it's much cheaper (" mr pet shop" I think the website is called something stupid like £13 for 3 pipettes & free delivery) ...,
Can t sleep as slept so much earlier!!!! This is like being heavily pg again ... No I m not big & fat ; the insomnia!!!!!

Little- we have Zoes ashes in her bedroom, we can't bare to scatter them yet. Although we are thinking about burying them in my mums grave. There is no rush, and do what feels right for you both. X

Mecha- hope you are feeling ok?

Fan- fab news about your brother!

Wtw- Holly sounds just perfect, I hope you enjoy your shopping trip tomorrow.

Mia's- how lovely to be a godmother. Hope you are doing well and getting plenty of rest.

Big waves to everyone else, sorry not to reply to you all.

I will catch up later when things are not so hectic.

Fan... Boo to fleas! Do they die on their own if they are off the cat? We have just started letting our cats in again (Mac and Tink), as we kicked them out to an outbuilding while I was pregnant. ( they are farm cats reqlly). Seems silly now. But I'm worried they do probably have fleas by now, I must check them tomorrow! Tink, the older one, was a kitten at the same time our dog was a pup, and they love each other, it's sweet to have them together in the house again.

LITTLE... We put Merryns ashes in the stream at the head of the river that we live by, that way she is in many of our special places at once. When I find heart shaped stones on the beach or wherever I throw them in, and my other boys like going their to play. I still find it hard to visit, but I think it was the right place for us, our lovely undertakers helped us think about what we wanted for all of us, and helped us think about what would be right for her brothers too.

WTW... Little Holly sounds perfect. I'm so glad you have her home with you. X

ANGEL, how are you doing? Sorry your having a rough time. X

I know what you all mean about life seeming so fragile now, I have to try so hard to not jump at every little thing my boys do. On holiday my four year old fell off an inflatable in the pool head first and came out of his rubber ring, sinking to the bottom of the pool. We had him in seconds, and he was fine, and would have probably swam up unaided, but we didn't sleep that night, and it was difficult to let him back in the water. My DH was sick, and we both had nightmares. It's so thin this sense of control, just an illusion to keep us sane. I am terrified for them, sometimes during the night I just check they are ok, as if they were tiny again.
Anyway, enough of that, I am going to try to 'snap out of it' as my lovely mum would say, and feel better tommorow!

angel hope the week off helps you feel better.

wtw holly sounds just like a rainbow should be. I love your pic of K holding her in the school uniform.
Tww is ok, I'm busy at work but it does enter my mind every now and again. But I don't think I am, even though I would love to be. My bro is coming home for a holiday in feb so would love to be pg by then.

little we spread Fi's ashes in a beautiful place, we went to look for a place in our local national park. We do have rather a horrific story about trying to find a place nearer home to spread them, we wanted to spread them on this hill that over looks our town, and when we went to look at the place we stumbled across a guy wanking in a bush! It so put us off for about a month. Just horrible. Don't rush into it.

mecha thinking of you, hope all is well.

trickle thinking of you also.

green I'm glad you had a good time and the boys enjoyed themselves.

Still finding the odd flea. I think they are hatching some where oh well hopefully they will be dead soon.
I've only been using spot on and flea powder don't really want to use the industrial stuff its bad chemicals.

Little9 have you a favourite place to scatter Daisy's ashes? We still have Georgie's at home with us? As we plan to move back to the midlands at some point we didn t have her buried here as didn t want to leave her ( we live in West Yorkshire) planned on scattering her ashes in a nice nature reserve about 3 miles from us where we have a " special" place for Georgie where we go on her birthday , Xmas etc... But we ve never quite scattered her ashes there yet. At first Ant was adamant he didn t want her ashes in the house now it's fine, it's nice as she's in her s & Phebs bedroom , it's comforting. My 2 girls together ( they re not obvious : her ashes, so unless you were specifically looking you wouldn t know) ... Have a lovely weekend. Good luck to your dogs xxxxx
Wtw how lovely ..., you sound so content & blissfully happy . You re right having a rainbow never detracts from the awful pain of loosing your child but there is now another focus , a reason to function (oh & K of course) Holly sounds delightful... So happy for u ...
Big wishes for rainbows for you all very, very soon xxxccxc

Hi ladies,

Sorry I haven't been on much - have been reading while bfeeding but not managing to post!!

Sorry your under the weather angel I can totally relate to the feeling that our earth children might be taken from us xx

Hope the op went well mecha been thinking of you

Mias and Blue - wow you're both doing so brilliantly - next stop into the 30's for both of you. Glad you were able to include Mia Mias xx

How are you fan? hope 2ww not going too slowly xxx

Hope you're having a good break away Kleine xx

Congratulations on team blue moomins

Any news trickle? been thinking of you xx

Loving having baby Holly home so so much. Feel so much more at peace than I have done since losing Erin. Doesn't make us miss or want Erin any less but she so brings back the colour to our lives and gives us a positive focus. Was so so so lovely to be able to push her pram to take Katie to school today - what a difference to Katie's first day last year.

Ooh she's waking again.....sorry if I've missed anyone xxxx

Waves and love to all xx

Hello all. Sorry I've been a bit awol. Am quite tired this week. We picked up Daisy's ashes on Friday so need to decide where we are going to spread them and when.

Congratulations to elly on your BFP and moo on your team blue addition.

Got a busy weekend ahead with a friends 40th birthday party and also a dog competition. I've put some doggy piccies on my profile if anyone is interested.

Fan - good news about your bro.

Angel - hope your back to full strength again soon and feeling a little more relaxed.

green - good to have you back again and glad you had a good holiday.

babyh - hope you get some answers. I didn't get any although I feel relief that nothing was wrong but worried that I won't be able to stop it happening again if I get pregnant again. Oh well, will just have to relax and go with the flow!

mecha - hope you are recuperating well.

Kleine - hope your enjoying your break away.

trickle - hope you get your rainbow soon.

Sorry if I have missed anyone else, but big waves and hugs to everyone. Got to go and cook tea now (not my thing at all - DH usually does it but he is so busy with his gardening business, I feel I need to grow up and learn how to cook!! )

Oh Tayto xxx know exactly where you re coming from. I sometimes think now I won t be " allowed" to keep Phebs , somehow or other I ll loose her ( I ll be taken away from her) .those first few months seem to drag I remember so well every day seemed like a week , every week a month ... Time dragged so much.... Take care xxxx

Miasmum how are you? Hope u re resting slightly now your volunteering is finished? Xxx indeed I am more fearful now.. I ( as all of us) are so aware how fragile life is & how it can all change within a second.... Very scarey ... Take care xxx
babyH you re no way to blame you did all you could .... I , too felt the same at times , is perfectly normal but you are not to blame xxx
green glad you had a good holiday & your boys enjoyed it... Xxx
Slowly feeling a little better here. Rung in sick for the rest of the week so will be resting plenty .... Still incredibly tired though .love to all xxxx

babyh thinking of you today. I really hope the conversation with the consultant is productive for you, even if it is impossibly hard. Writing down questions, and even emailing them beforehand might help guide the conversation. Are you taking someone with you? But if you feel you still have questions after the meeting, please know that you are able to ask for further meetings too.

tayto not sure if I have officially said hello, and just - sorry that you find yourself here.

angel your fears are understandable. I now often dream that DH is hurt or leaves me. Fear is a big part of our lives now, much as we would like to think it isn't.

greengoose what a brave woman you are, making the holiday so wonderful for your boys. Hope you found some more heart stones from Merryn.

blizy you made me giggle with your description of Alfie! How is he now?

Very happy to see good news for elly and her BFP, moomins for her boy scan(!) and fan and her brother's decision to return to the UK, and mecha with your op at last!

Any news from trickle?

Me, I attended a christening on Sunday to be godmother to the little sister of one of Mia's friends. I included Mia in our card, and the inscription on the presents, as it seemed right - and my friends told me last night that they both cried when they read it.

Hello lovely ladies.... We got back home yesterday from our month away...

FIRSTLY.... Congrats on BFP Elly!!

So much has happened while I've been away!

It was very strange being away for so long, and so different being on 'holiday' after loosing Merryn, but we made a promise to her that we would live fully for the boys, so the time away was part of that, but I'm exhausted! I've missed my girl so much, and the parallel with what we should have been doing instead this summer was glaring. But the boys had a good time, and have something to battle against the awful memories they have of Great Ormond Street and the time after.... They really deserved it.

My cycles are crazy, so ttc has not got off the ground yet. I'm a bit scared something is wrong. I have my period, which is different and 'runnier' (sorry tmi)! than before then the ovulation strips are darkish but not possitive for day 9-11 then they get lighter again with no possitive, and by day 14 when I usually ovulate I have no second line on the test and get period pains for a few days. Last month this was with a mid cycle bleed for two days, and my 28 day clockword cycle is now any length it feels like. I have spent the holiday obsessing about it, and am desperate to at least have a normal cycle againg so I can feel I am doing something. Hell. Don't know if I should speak to my consultant?

Anyway, enough of this self pity sniffing...... I am so glad to be back. I missed you lot! I will now read back properly, once I make a nice cup of tea!

Hi ladies, hope its ok to pop in an out... just read back a bit..Sorry if i miss people out by accident, just responding to a few recent posts i read..good wishes to all..

elly - huge congratulations on your news, i'm so pleased for you and will be keeping an eye on out for your updates.

Moomin hope you?re doing well, and a huge welcome to the growing little fella.

Mecha hope you are recuperating well. Lots of rest now.

Fan, great news about your bro and family, you can?t beat having your loved ones near-by (or at least not on the other side of the world).

Angel sorry that you are going through such a rubbish time. Although it is irrational to think that you will get ill and have to leave your gorgeous little one, in weak moments it is easy to focus on the worse case ? i do it too and i am a science-y person, with a fair understanding of probabilities and likelihoods! On occasion i have imagine myself writing letters to my little one to remind her how much i love her, in case i get ill and have to leave her!! And when you are tired and worn down, it is hard to shift your focus of attention; definitely some rest is in order.

Babyh - I?m so sad for you tonight. It?s not been that long since our little boy arrived, but it feels like the world was different before he arrived to what it is now. We have our PM meeting the day after yours. One thing that might be helpful in preparing would be to write down any reasons that come into your mind in relation to why you might be to blame, however irrational they might be, and present them to the consultant ? that way he/she can be 100% clear with you that you were not to blame for anything. How could you? All you wanted was your beautiful little boy to love and care for.. I will be thinking of your little lad tonight, maybe he is playing with my little fella somewhere..

Angel: Losing a child makes us realise how fragile life is and how quickly life can be snatched away.....I know how hard it can be to stay sane never mind irrational.......in fact can I join the irrational club? I really hope you feel better tomorrow you've had a really rubbish couple of weeks in general. As I've seen the others write so many times....be kind to yourself x

Moomins: A beautiful boy too look forward too. Congratulations x

Fan: Such great news your going to be closer to your family : )

Can't believe its been 2 long months since I lost my lovely boy tommorrow. Finally got my appointment for 10th September to see the consultant to 'discuss the sad outcome of my pregnancy' no idea what I want to say. Keep thinking I'm to blame in some way.....if only he'd have lasted those 5 more days!

Excellant news fan xxx
Moomin congrats on team blue ... Glad alls ok? Xxx
elly glad you re happy in your new house & have started the ball rolling with appts & such ... If you re pg is anything like mine I was always at the hospital!!! ( or felt like that!!!) mind you, better to be like that & all be well... Thanks for the flowers xxxx
Hi all ; still feeling lousy can see I ll have to have the full week off if no improvement .. My manager a bit off today as originally I'd asked for an extra day off this week & he had to say no , which I understood. So, don t know if he thinks I m skiving but feel so crap I really don t care.... Will run some blood tests when I m back at work as this is the 2 nd virvus I ve had in 3 months ... Don t think there's anything else going on but I have this underlying fear I ll get I'll & have to leave Phebs ( the opposite of my original fear of cotdeath) know its irrational & the common sense answer is ; I m run down, I encounter a lot of the general public every day in very close proximity & I ve been immune suppressed from the last time... Xxx
Love to all xxxx

oh I need to shout this out somewhere and its not aloud in Real life!

My brother, Sister in law and adorable Nephew are moving back to blighty in a couple of years from Australia. Yay!!

moomins Congratulations on team blue! And Im glad your consultant is looking after you. 16 weeks! wow.

Really thinking about Trickle today and hoping all goes well!

No time to name check, though I am thinking about us all and all our news, good and less good.

Off to hospital! Bit nervious but relieved to get it over with!

Love to all xx

Hope you feel better soon angel, it's horrid feeling so rubbish - to you.

Hope you sort the fleas out fan, have you been bitten much?

Day at a time babyh, that's all you can do and try not to put too much pressure on yourself - you need to allow yourself time, it's so hard and some days are better than others.

kleine - hope you are managing to have a nice break away with DH, E will always be with you both, wherever you are.

mech thinking of you for your overnight stay tonight & op tomorrow - hope it all goes ok and that you get home and recover quickly so you can join the TTC rollercoaster.

trickle thinking of you too - so nearly there now, take care and we'll hear from you when you have your rainbow safe in your arms xx

I have just called the community midwife centre, and managed to speak to my lovely MW from last time - she was so lovely visiting me after I'd lost Nancy, I'm really pleased I got to speak to her because this is her last week before she goes off to do HV training. Got to book an appt with my GP first though so that I can get an early viability scan, which will hopefully be the week after next - think I'm about 5 weeks, so will be 7 then which is the earliest they will do one anyway. Eek - so scared. Told my sis & bil last night - we are really close to them, and they are so pleased for us, and will be there for lots of handholding along the way. Got another BFP yesterday and then a really strong one really quickly this morning (got a feeling I'll be testing a lot over the next few weeks!!).

Hope everyone had a nice weekend - we managed to move into the new house this weekend, so we had our first night there last night, mattress on the floor job, but exciting to have a new start ahead of us.

Sorry for the massive essay, and sorry I haven't name checked everyone (blizy, I hope your hangover wasn't too bad yesterday!!!) xx

Babyh glad u re feeling a bit better: slowly, slowly... Xxx
Razz good luck xxx you re soon be back in to it ... Like u ve never been away!!!
As for me off to ring in now then back to bed still feel shocking ... xxxx

Evening ladies

Haven't posted for a while because Ive been really down......and I know feeling sorry for myself is getting me nowhere....anyway feeling like Ive turned a bit of a corner in the last couple of days and wanted to say hello : )

ELLY: Congratulations...well done you! Fan was so right with the old saying 'New house new baby'.

ANGEL: Hope things are looking up on the home front...Your MIL sounds awful no wonder you don't speak!!! Hope you feel better tommorrow x

Kliene : Hope you are having a nice break Cornwall x

Mech: Good luck with the OP x

Trickle: Almost there I bet you cant wait until you get your little rainbow......wishing the days away for you x

Fan: Thinking of you and hoping you get a BFP soon x

Sorry if I missed anyone. Its late and I'm Knackered.

Nite Nite x

Congratulatios elly
Hope you sort the fles out fan
Hope you feel a bit better tomorrow angel
Hello to everyone else.
Its my first night back at work tonight but at least I know that my babies are in the capable hands on their dad..............
Take care everyone