Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Morning all. Wishing everyone a good start to the week... especially fan, how are you feeling today my dear? Have you been able to get a doctor's appt? Also thinking of babyh with your consultant appointment xx

angel your posts sound so resigned, it's really sad to read that from such a lovely vibrant lady as I think you must be! I just hope that you both find the motivation, and the hope, to make things better if you can - counselling sounds like a good option. It's so hard when you have to 'work at it', though. Thinking of you.

green thank you, lovely lady... We found yesterday tremendously hard. I was so exhausted by mid-afternoon that I just wanted to go to bed. But, not wanting to then wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep further, I managed to stay up until 9pm

mecha I am so glad you're feeling better already, I hope it continues at a rapid rate! Yes, we are at a very similar stage, and I am feeling just like you - I have even had a couple of days where I haven't cried at all, but was of course constantly thinking of E, the whole time. Three months, four months... it's nothing, is it?
Like you and blizy I also have a DH who is worth his weight in gold. We are very lucky. blizy I am in awe of you and your DH getting married after losing Zoe. I think that's an amazing thing to do - did you have many people at your wedding? It's so lovely (iyswim) to read that you are closer now than you were. Really shows your strength.

tayto I am so sorry about your little boy... so sad. We lost our little girl, E, in June; I was in hospital being induced at 42 weeks pg when I started haemorrhaging (still not sure why, probably either complete placental abruption or undiagnosed vasa previa. The PM seemed inconclusive, we are waiting on a further report). E was born by very rapid EMCS but died two days later from the effects of severe oxygen deprivation.
Do let us know how your meeting goes and if the PM gives you any answers.

Please could everyone send me wishes/prayers/good vibes/whatever suits you, that my cycle would, well, start cycling?! I am still trying to be patient, but DH is getting worried - he gets worried if I cross the road, at the moment, bless him - and of course we just want the chance to start ttc properly. Also it's DH's birthday this week and, well, ugh. Poor man. He doesn't want to celebrate at all and has asked me not to get him anything. We will go out to dinner (or maybe even brave the cinema) if we're up to it.
Love to all x

Fan - I really hope you are ok. How unfair and disappointing. I hope you get some helpful advice from the doctor. Thinking of you.

Angel - It is really so hard to keep the ?spark? alive after several years. I have been together with my DH for 12 years and have often felt like a ?flat mate?. People suggest ?date nights? etc , though they are hard to organise and others say ?you have to work at it?, but it is not easy to keep up the energy to work at it, especially when you have so much else going on. It sounds like your DH really loves you and wants to make you happy - that is a very good foundation and not necessarily that easy to come by. But it is also so important to feel appreciated and to show appreciation. Hope things get better for you soon.

BabyH- hope the PM tomorrow goes ok, and you feel like you have the chance to ask anything you feel you need to ask. I?ll be thinking of you.

Green i just read your post about your pregnancy with your beautiful little Merryn. How traumatic for you and your family. I don?t know how long ago that was, but you must be a very strong and resilient person to have come through that (and still make wands and raise alpacas!). Having experienced organ failure associated with childbirth, it is no wonder that it is incredibly difficult to ttc now. Sending you love and hope. I am also so very sorry for the loss of little Merryn.

Hello Spotty, very sorry to meet you here. Our beautiful little boy was born at 23 weeks in July, just too small to survive. His arrival was thought to be due to an infection, though we may have more information following the PM later this week. I?m very sorry to hear about your loss of little Bertie, such a fabulous cute name, especially for a little lad.

Blitzy i?m so sorry to hear about your little one Zoe. It?s hard to imagine what it is like to lose your much ?loved little one having looked after her inside for so many weeks. My little boy was born at 23 weeks, and we miss him terribly. I?m sending you love and really hope you can have your little rainbow in 2013.

Big hug to everyone else, and wishing you a good week ahead xxx

Blizy & . mech you are truely lucky with your marriages ... We have been together 13 years now & the last 4 years have been focussed on ttc, pg, grief etc... & I think that's when our marriage has become neglected. He has supported me at times , especially in the very early stages & I learnt men do grieve in totally different ways to us however I just wonder if all this hadn t have happened we'd wouldn t have got bored of each other some time ago... It's really no biggie as u can always start a relationship again can t u? However , as we are all aware to loose a child certainly puts everything in perspective. I tell him all this he wants to work stuff out & remain together ... I know he loves me & our life ( he tells me plenty) but just no spark there anymore & I m sick of being taken for granted.
However, I m aware I have changed & don t view stuff the same way as I used to ... I m quite happy to amble along in this " companionship" for now until things have settled & see. Too much has happened in the last 4 years I just want to plod along at the moment without making any more big decisions.... Thanks all for u re concerns ... We ve all been through so much bigger stuff haven t we? Xxxc

mecha I'm not doing the trial, I bought a machine from ebay. MY AF is due 21st sept.

Yay to the yummy foods! I feel the same about my dh, I really would not have made it this far without him. We decided to get married a few weeks after Zoe passed (we got married on 19th Nov). If anything her death has brought us closer together.

Angel really thinking about you. It must be so hard for you both at the moment. At least you are able to talk to each other, that must be a good thing? Hopefully he will now start treating you like you deserve!

Fan I hope this is just an anomoly and nothing serious, and the doctor can give you some reassurance. I'm sorry things are so rubbish just now.

Tayto good to hear from you again! Hope your PM gives you some answers and some peace. We didn't have a PM for Dexter, the doctors were confident he was just born too soon and there was nothing we could learn from one. But I am seeing my consultant on the 17th and really hoping to find out why I went into labour. Or at least a rough idea.

Green loving your yurt and alpacas! I think you might be the coolest person I "know" :)

Kleine Great to have you back. Three months is an eye blink. Dexter should be four months old, so we are in roughly the same place! I think people forget. They see us time to time, and understand we are sad, but just don't "get" what day to day life is like for us know. I cry less, but I miss him and think about him just as much. I know you are the same x

Blizy were you also doing the CBFM trial? AF is due on the 17th Sept (same day as Dexter's consultant meeting, brilliant timing, not!) and I am really looking forward to starting! Hope you are well.

Waves to everyone.

I am still recovering nicely. Have eaten some cheese, some chocolate and some cake, just bliss! It definately feels like someone has been rummaging about in my insides, but not really in any pain anymore. Just uncomfortable. And the scars are really really tiny!

I feel a bit uncomfortable, like I am bragging about this, but my DH really has been completely wonderful. All through this year he has just been my rock. It has been hard work I am sure, but we have been able to be kind to each other and talk things through and I am so grateful I have him. We grieve very differently but we seem to have such a strong marriage and I just don't know how to thank him enough. Sorry for the puke fest!

Thinking about us all this weekend x

tayto Thank you for your thoughts. I must have missed your first post, sorry.
My dd Zoe was stillborn at 41 weeks on 28th Feb 2011, we have been ttc for almos 16 months now. At her PM metting we found out I had something called defective placental maturation and Zoe also had Downs syndrome.
I will be thinking about you next week, and I hope you get some answers.

fan Defo get yourself along to the doctor, if anything for peace of mind for you.

angel I really hope you and Ant can work things out. x

Hello everyone,

Just getting a chance to pop back in since Monday, and there has been a lot of activity!

Miasmummy - I saw the photo of your beautiful l happy little girl. How lovely and fitting to include Mia on your card. I am so sorry for the pain and sadness you must feel. I just saw your post ?Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia?, and it made me cry. There is so much love in your post, and she must have had a wonderful little life when she was here. You describe being very demonstrative of your love when Mia was here ? i think that is so important now, and i am much more expressive and demonstrative with my DD since we lost our little boy. I?m thinking of you.

WTW - delighted that Holly seems to be settling in well, and brings so much joy to your little family. It can be very tiring looking after new babies, and quiet stressful; but you only mention how much colour she brings to your lives.. Having experienced the loss of a much-loved baby must really puts things into perspective i guess. Congratulations to you again, i?m so pleased for you.

August - many congratulations on your little rainbow baby too. I find news of little rainbows very inspiring. Hopefully i will have a little rainbow too.

Mecha - glad you are recuperating well. Sounds like you have great support from DH.

Ely hope you are keeping well and have a reassuring scan soon.

Amyboo - congratulations again on your BFP, i can only imagine how anxious you must feel. It must be hard at the moment with your little lad in a new crèche. I really hope you can get some time to rest; rest helps with everything!

Hello to Kleine ,green, Little9, blitzy..im not sure if i have met you all yet, but will be keeping an eye out for your news and sending you love and hope for the months ahead.

I really wanted to say a hello to Angel, Fan and BabyH but DH is calling me as we have to head out.. so i will come back later... thinking of you all.

We have our PM next week. I?m not expecting that we will learn too much, i just hope i will learn nothing that would suggest i should have done something differently. BabyH - i know you have your PM too, so will be thinking of you too. Hope it goes ok.

Waves to all; and catch up later!

Think I might need to go to the doctors tomorrow, still only slightly spotting and I am still cramping, feel like crap, I'm tired and irratable.

Thanks green xxx yes Ant definatly knows how I feel I m very vocal!!! He suggested tonight trying some relationship counselling .... He's also acknowledged he needs to make an effort & appreciate me more...so we ll see. I ve told him I don t want to end us but he needs to start making an effort , appreciating me more & not taking for me granted. You re probably right ; being tired doesn t help.... Thanks xxxx

ANGEL, cross posted. Just be really sure love, don't let a relationship just slide away, (I almost did once). Im not telling you what to do or anything, but I know it can be hard to see what we want with no sleep and a little one. Does he know that you are so unhappy with him? One of my friends recently (although she had no hope it'd work), went to relate in a last effort to say shed tried everything, and surprisingly it worked because her dp could understand for the first time what she was feeling. Would you consider that, or not for you maybe.... Anyway, be kind to yourself, and try to get sleep, even if you need a night away to do it. Lack of sleep is a terribly thing. X

SPOTTY, I think it's very sweet how you decided on a name, and Bertie is lovely! Due dates are really hard, and I think you are incredibly brave to be doing the sponsored walk, which charity have you chosen?

POPPET, good to have you back. I can relate to how you feel at the lack of normal welcome and congratulations for our little ones, it doesn't help really. We had such beutiful babies, and we don't get to celebrate that, or share it. Merryns name never gets mentioned except in my family and here, it's so sad. I love saying her name. I will think about your little one tommorow, and as we are putting our yurt up this weekend,(usually up all summer), we will think of you as we let a sky lantern fly tommorow night. Three months is a huge date, almost as big as a birthday when they are tiny, I think you should be proud of how well you are doing, and do what feels right for you and DH tommorow.
Hyperemesis is horrible, (you don't need to worry about comparisons, unfortunately, you do have more in common with me than almost anyone I know, so I will never be offended x) I have noticed on this thread that everyone almost apologises if they mention their pregnancy (either for their angel or rainbow) was difficult. I think we all should still allow ourself to mone and groan and 'be normal about it' pregnancy IS hard, and that's ok to say, especially since we will all spend our rainbow pregnancy in a bit of a panic. (sorry, I feel a bit overprotective of us all sometimes).

MECHA, I'm glad life without a gallbladder is better than with!! My friend who had hers out last year, and thought shed not manage many foods after, now happily chomps down Devon cream teas with the best of them, so I think it's very individual what you'll be able to tolerate. ( not that it's necessarily that good an idea to chomp cream teas anyway)!! So now you get to join us on the ttc journey... Here's to speedy BFPs for us all.

Kleine glad you had a good holiday... People feel very unsure if what to do don t they? We had lots of Georgie's presents given to us at her baby shower when I was 32 weeks pg... So when of with Phebs I told all not to worry about buying new stuff as the clothes, toys etc we'd been given were too beautiful for someone not to wear them ( apart from some outfits that are Georgies only) but we still recived gifts galore for Phebs....xxxx
Mech glad u feel ok...xxx
Oh Kleine ta for the nice thoughts re: my relationship ... However, think its going from bad to worse ant is making an effort of sorts but I can t be arsed!!! Prefer it when he's at work.,, last night had a bad night with Phebs I got up about 6 x him a few ( when he wasn t pretending to be asleep) then at 7 this am starts trying it on ... I m like " are you for real??? I ve hardly had any sleep, I m pisssed off with u as u feel it's my duty at night only to dispense child care.... Hardly conducive for a shag????" good job I m not ttc otherwise I' d be stuffed!!!!
I m not fussed at the moment ... Last thing last night I left him on his X box , get up this am he's on his X box!!!! After all I ve been through worse??? It's only a relationship isn t it??? You can always find another man but never another daughter...
Anyhow, enough of all that : suns shinning me & Phebs off shopping , he's off to his evil mothers so alls ok ...
Love to all xxx

Hello again all,

sorry I have been so out of touch! Life without a gallbladder is wonderful, I am so glad I had it done, but I feel really weak and odd at the moment. Sure it is just recovering and I will be fighting fit again soon. Better be as AF is due around the 17th and then the CBFM and SWI and all those other acryomns will begin in earnest!

Spotty a very sad welcome, so sorry to hear about your little Bertie. My son Dexter was born in April this year at 24+2 weeks, but we still have no idea why. He stayed with us for 12 days but was just too premature and his lungs were not strong enough. I second what everyone else has said about this thread, the people are just wonderful. So kind and thoughtful.

I haven't caught up properly, but sounds like there are a of bad times going on at the moment. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better. Thinking about all of us.

Oh fan I'm so sorry to come back on here and read about your early (and utterly horrible-sounding) cramping. Loads of love to you. Let us know what the response is from the consultant's secretary. It really does sound worth getting in touch with them.
Acupuncture helped my cycles out... am considering it again soon, as well. It's expensive, but my DH, bless him, simply says 'we'll find the money' for things like this. We can't put a price on our babies, can we?

angel glad to read that you are feeling better. Obviously a really nasty bug/virus. Hope that you are able to look at everything more positively, too, now that you're recovering.

green... at the alpacas, and lots of love for everything else... Such an incredibly hard time you've been through. Although my experience was so different, I can really relate to all your worries and fears. DH and I have talked a bit about worries re not wanting to SWI - we haven't had the problem yet but are so aware that it may crop up, any time. Also, I think it would be strange if you weren't concerned about being pg again after everything you and your body went through... is there anyone you can talk to (professionally or not?) to try to process everything a little more?
I had a hard pregnancy with hyperemesis up to week 39, really it was dreadful, but of course it somewhat pales in comparison with what we've been through since. Although I am no longer concerned about having hyperemesis again - bring it on, frankly - I am obviously worried about the effects of the birth on my body. More to the point, actually, DH is terrified. I was completely fine in the end (absolutely nothing like what happened to you, no comparison), but had I not already been in hospital, we don't know what would have happened to me.

wtw hope the boob pain continues to decrease... ouch. How's K doing this weekend? Hope she settles a bit soon. It IS a lot for a little girl, isn't it, school and another new sister plus Erin's birthday just last week.
Oh, and I do so hope that all is well with the biopsy results for you. Let us know. Thinking of you x

babyh not sure there's a list of questions that anyone has for consultants - I shared mine with elly because the same thing happened to our daughters (oxygen deprivation). Perhaps there are some ideas online somewhere? Sands? Sorry not to be more helpful...
Hope your cycles start to sort themselves out soon. We are in the same boat there. I have been having period pain for about ten days now but really I just have to wait it out. Our bodies have been through a lot.

blizy sounds like you caught the peak day nicely . Sending you love and wishing you all the courage you need to make the phone call to the bereavement counsellor. It's so, so hard to make calls like that. I hope that you find the right moment soon.

amy I'm so so pleased for you!!! Really hope that going back to work is as easy as it can be.
elly do you have a date for your first scan?

blue great news re your maternity pay!

spotty thinking of you as Bertie's due date comes up. The sponsored walk is a lovely idea. We will look forward to hearing from you a bit more once the date has passed - anniversaries and important dates are so hard. Our little E would have been three months old tomorrow and I am feeling awful... So, you very much have my sympathy. Sending love xx
Can't imagine you would have offended anyone by mentioning how long you've been ttc... It's just incredibly difficult and there are some lovely ladies here who do understand. We started ttc over three years ago now, and although are only just re-starting now after E's death, it seems like absolutely forever. I was someone else when we started.

How is everyone else?

Well, as for me, back home now. It was good to be away, do some walking, be by the sea, enjoy ourselves. So glad we went (even if our bank balance is suffering for it!). Though we both felt terrible when we got home yesterday. Plus, I texted a friend yesterday - I remembered that, before E was born, she'd said she'd already got her a present, a little outfit. And DH and I were feeling so sad that we were never congratulated on our daughter's birth, or got any presents for her - so when I remembered that, I thought I would ask if she still had it. She texted back to say that she gave it to a charity shop Probably my fault for asking, and it's certainly not her fault; she didn't know what to do with it, and doubtless feels awful now. But, well, it just seemed to sum everything up, really! She said she'd held on to it for a long time but then gave it away - 'a long time'... E would be three months old tomorrow. A long time to everyone else; the blink of an eye to us. We are missing our little one so, so much. Longing to have her here, wishing that the house wasn't so unbearably quiet.
But, one day at a time, one day at a time - all we can manage. And we do smile and laugh as well. And we have the hope of siblings, future rainbows! Praying for rainbows for each and every one of you on here who is waiting for one. And in the meantime - enjoy the sun and I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

wtw thanks for the email address, I have just emailed his secretery, so I shall give it till mid week to see if I get a response and then I might ring her instead.

Ive woken up to cramping but still no AF, but this has happened before so expecting it will turn up very soon.

spotty no need to apologise, you didnt offend anyone.

green great names for the Alpacas. and a bit that your wands dont work.

Thanks so much for the welcome. Bertie's due date is 14-9 so feeling a bit wobbly at the mo but I hope to get into the swing of the thread when I'm on a more even keel.
We're organising a sponsored walk in his memory on 15-9 which is giving me something to focus on and keeping me busy.

FAN- a friend of mine was having trouble TTC (although through PCOS), had ovary drilling and all sorts. She had irregular periods and wasn't ovulating every month but is now 12 weeks pregnant after 3 months of acupuncture. I'm sorry things are tough for you at the moment.

GREEN- long story but he was 'Norbert' in my belly after DH said he liked the name. Not my taste but each to their own! It just then evolved from that. We probably decided a week before he died that Bertie was the front running name.

I had my third smily face on CBD OPK today. That's not happened before so I'm hoping it's a good sign for us. Please forgive me in my op, feeling sorry for myself in TTC for 18 months. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Wtw I too used cabbage leaves & self treated with Metrondizole!!! Was very painful...hope it improves soon??? Xxc
Fan during my time ttc I ve had reflexology & accunpuncture ... Both highly enjoyable & excellant as de stressors ... Don t know if either helped ttc but certainly helped me to chill which can only be a good thing???? Reflexology was £25 for an hour and she came to my house. Accunpuncture was £40 a session for an hour ....highly recommend either .. Xxx

wTW, no it really works, just a normal round cabbage, but keep it in the fridge too, as this helps! I don't know why it works, but it does. I once went to a baby group with DS2 forgetting I had one in my feeding bra, and it worked its way out. I got laughed at a lot. Don't do that!

Found www.spirehealthcare.com/portsmouth/our-facilities-treatments-and-consultants/our-consultants/mr-marwan-salloum/this info on him Fan but it's his private practice. Let me know if you get no joy and I'll ask my friend xx

I think it was a blocked duct green as it seems to be easing the more I feed and the pain is lessening, phew! What type of cabbage leaves are you supposed to use?! I had heard that but assumed it was an old wives tale!! x

WTW, no you can't ride them... Although they do in Peru. They are much smaller (and nicer), than lamas. They are halter trained, although we never really take them for walks, as by nature they are like cats, and would be most put out by the idea. I will try to get some photos up over the WE, promise!
How is your chest? Don't get to the stage you have mastitis before you have it checked, it's a nightmare! It helps to do the football hold feed so that Holly is taking the milk from the different ducts, then they don't get blocked, similarly if you have to hand express, make sure you rotate the hand around the whole of you boob so that it takes the milk evenly. If its really sore cabbage leaves DO work, as does a well aimed shower. ( which is also a good place to express if you are engorged). X

Glad you are getting somewhere with finding a doc FAN. My alpacas a re called Chicco, Crackerjack and Rocket, they were already named by the farmer when we bought them.
I'll make the wands for the party, and count how many I have over, and anyone who wants one is more than welcome. Unfortunately I don't think they work. Sorry!!

posted too soon just found his secretaries number so might give her a ring monday.

Ive just looked and cant find a way of getting hold of him. I guess I will have to wait till I see the doctor and ask to be referred to him. I could ring the maternity outpatients I guess but Im not sure how sympathic they will be.

sorry meant fareham community hospital

wtw thank you for telling me this. I think I will look him up on the QA website if I can and send him an email.
I am annoyed today, Ive been cramping alot but so far no bleeding. Im really tired. I know Im not pg, its deffinitly AF cramping. If I cant find him wtw could you ask your friend whats the best way to get hold of him. Thank you so much.