Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Sending love to us all, especially Miasmummy on her special day! Such a beautiful and loved little girl. I am sorry she is not with you physically but her presence is never far. She has touched so many people who have never met her!

Hand holding for Elly if you want it. The hospital would utterly not think less of you if you went in. And if they did, who cares?

I am another who would love to meet anyone on FB! PM me and I will send you my real name.

Having a busy weekend so I haven't caught up properly. I really understand the slight gender preference. It's not that I don't want a daughter, I would be delighted to have any child. But I have always imagined myself with two sons. No logic behind it at all, that is just what life is like in my head. I am sure loads of parents have these feelings, but they are a little more complicated for us.

Wishing peaceful weekends for us all.

Elly- take it easy today, hoping and praying everything is well. X

Happy birthday to your little flame haired angel. I hope the day is everything you wish for (except Mia of course). Mia, will be watching and be ever so proud Of her amazing parents, family and friends. I am thinking of Mia on her special day. X

elly take it easy, have a sofa day. And yes if it happens again just go to the hospital, don't worry what they will think. Thinking of you also.

miasmum thinking of you, I hope the day is everything you need and want it to be. May the sun shine bright for Mia.

Much love to mias, I hope today passes gently for you. I'm so pleased that you have got Mia's wood ready in time for her birthday - your plans for today sound perfect.

to everyone - wow there's been quite a lot going on over the past few days!

I would also dearly love another girl - I always wanted daughters anyway, and was so pleased that Nancy was a girl. I feel robbed, and I'm desperately hoping that if things work out this time that we have another DD.

Well I had a major panic last night after I got home - I had a little bit of spotting so am paranoid that it's all going to go wrong, if it happens again or is any worse then I'll find out about the EPU, no messing this time. Still haven't got the scan date through yet - not happy :( tried to call my consultants office when I got home yesterday but there was no answer.

Sorry I haven't name checked - am on phone so it's not easy to scroll back. However I would like to see all your photos & 'meet' you all on fb.

Thinking of you so much today Miasmummy and of course your beautiful flame haired princess on her 2nd birthday. I know she'll be watching over you all today in her wood and be so proud of you xxxx

Love to Miasmum, your family & Mia... Hope all goes ok today xxxxx

Oh miasmummy... I am thinking of you and your DH and extended family so much this morning. And, of course - for it surely goes without saying - of your beautiful, wonderful Mia. With much love xx

Thanks for all your kind, lovely thoughts of Mia, my friends. Had a huge sobbing wobble today, when the lady who conducted the celebration of Mia's life rang to acknowledge Mia's birthday tomorrow. She hadn't even met Mia, and she still cared. And quite a few others I didn't expect have made contact too. But we do finally have the Mia's Wood land, all confirmed this afternoon, and we have selected a beautiful tree to plant tomorrow. I had to go back to the hospital again this morning for a gestational diabetes test (thanks to my family history!) and I think that didn't help either... Sorry I am not name-checking tonight, just feeling very drained.

Miasmum- just popping in to send you hugs tonight. X

oh and babyh of course you can join the secret facebook group, pm me and I shall add you.

babyh didnt make the crumbles in the end, had to freeze my blackberrys. The oven door is broken, so cant cook or bake, booooo.

So sorry some of you are going through it tough at the moment, it really hits you like a train soemtimes doesnt it. Things just seam to pile up on you and well all you can do is stand still. You feel so useless and unable to feel anything but total dispair. It does get easier to focus and react to life as time goes on, but its a tough time before this happens. I want to give you all a massive group hug.

Kleine: Loving la la land it sounds a great place..... can't wait to stalk you back...like you said it has to be fool proof though cant let just any Tom, dick or harry off the street share in my beautiful son............

Fan: Hugs to you.....glad your AF is almost over and you have a date for the scan. Sorry you have been arguing with your DH, your not alone chick we all do it.....hope your ok. In fact I've just been told off about slacking off from the decorating again....my DH totally bosses me about at times!!!!

Finally worked out how to look at photographs.....your blankets are amazing your really talented x

Can I join the secret FB page please?

Back later.....got to finish the skirting boards today......so exciting not! Starving now you mentioned Blackberry crumble mmmmmmmmm

babyh does it seem over-the-top for me to wish you both a boy AND a girl in your future?! If I've just overloaded your senses/house/finances, though, my apologies... Personally I would love both. Then I would have three children, and the oldest girl would always be a huge, huge part of why I had her brother and sister.

Oh green... your poor boys, and poor you and DH, and poor poor little Merryn. I can't think what else to say.
(So I will send you some sympathy and a big hug, and then PM you about Facebook.)

fan sorry to hear about your row with DH. Obviously different, as this was before we lost E, but my DH and I have also had the alcohol-ttc argument in the past.
V v glad you have your scan date - and it's quite soon, too. And even if it's with someone who DOES mind if you ask questions, well, just plough on regardless: you're entitled to ask everything you want to.

Will double-check with DH that he's happy for me to show photos of E on FB and then set up a new profile if he's ok with it. Strange, feels like taking a bit of a step for me - I can't bear to think about seeing all my friends' photos of them having fun/baby scans/newborn pics/pretty little baby girls on there. But I WOULD like to see all those things and more from you lot! So prepare to be stalked

Oh has anyone heard from trickle? Hope that she is far too busy having baby cuddles to think of us...

Hey ladies sorry for the absense but I have been busy having a row with DH and also, well just busy. Getting my crochet hook out later for the new Woollyhug venture. and Ive been totally captivated by the Richard III thread in chat. Anyway, I am supposed to be working but I thought I would use my time better by coming on here.

AF is nearly over thank god! Well if I continue to spot I might have to get the drugs out. Dh has apologised for not taking SWI seriously for the past few months and has said he will stop the alcohol? See if that happens (that wasnt what the argument was about). The argument was silly and trival but had me in tears, thats all Im going to say really as dont want to dwell on it. I will be having a chat with him this weekend about how we are going to get on with swi.
I have my scan date its a week monday and its at the hospital, so hoping that I will be seen by someone who doesnt mind me asking questions.

poppet and green yes please join the secret facebook group, your more than welcome, all photos are private as are posts, and you can say anything there and breath a sigh of relief that its not public.

green I want to give your family such a big hug, and ask also if I can be adopted by you? I would love to live on a small holding!

blue set up the facebook page, but if you pm me with your real name or a link to your facebook page then I m sure I can add you later this evening. or when ever you like. wtw that is a brilliant idea to have a facebook account with mumsnet names! Totally annoymous then.

Anyway really sorry not to name check, I shall come on here later tonight, after Ive baked my blackberry crumbles and pay you lot some proper attention.

Kliene......so understand the girl thing.....thats why I wanted another one....Theres the old tale that the boys bugger off when they get a wife!! (Sorry Green no offense meant to your beautiful sons or to my own for that matter) Wish I had lived to see our Adam bugger off happily married!!!
.........still would love another boy one day xxxxxxxxxxxxx

WTW: I finally worked out how to look at some of your photographs. Your girls are beautiful xxxxxxxxx

Dont go on fb much but will definately go on to add you lovely ladies.

I like the idea of a secret group where we can add photos of our babies. Would also love to see Erins stone. Really want ours on in time for Christmas xxx

Green: So sorry your lovely boy has nightmares. Did he see Merryn in the crem? My DD never met our Adam but she has his photograph in her bedroom and hugs it each night before she goes to sleep. I intend to take them both to his grave in the future but want to wait until the stone is on. So sorry you never got to see her open her eyes............sorry for everything you have been through......I hope she heard her daddy singing to her when she was in GOSH xxxxxxxxxx

Green this might not help in time for this project but there's a lady in Australia that writes names in the sand for people who have lost children. We have Erin's name done and printed on canvas hanging in our living room. It helped us to acknowledge her as part of the family before we felt able to put up a picture of her (we now have to pic of Katie holding her that's on my profile up in the living room too). Website is here if you are interested. Otherwise do you have a scan photo you could use, or a picture of you and ds when you were pregnant with Merryn. Or could he write her name using wooden blocks or something and photograph it? It's very hard. K started school 2 weeks after Erin died and their first half term was all about 'My Family' poor kid stood up in front of her new class and said she had a baby sister who was an angel and lived in heaven. Broke my heart.

As for gender preferences - utterly normal if this thread is anything to go by. I admitted on here (never in RL) just before my 20wk scan how desperate I was for another girl. Never to replace Erin but more that I saw myself as a mother of girls and because Katie so desperately wanted an earth sister.

As for fb you can create a profile using your mn nickname - no need to even use your real name. We can then add you to the secret group. I'd love to see pictures of your little ones I've none of Erin on my main fb but there are some on my profile here. Lots of K and H on fb too! babyh is you're already on fb you can pm your name and I will find you and add you. You can add pics to your mn profile then take them down or you can even add them and make them private except for friends and then add the usernames of people you want to be able see them.

Now cross posted with everyone! KLEINE, FB scares me, if I'm honest, but if you tell me how to do it privately I might do that!
My boys only saw Merryn twice. The PICU at GOSH was no place for them. She was very very ill and had in over a dozen lines, and four lung and bladder drains so it was very very difficult. They needed to work on her alot, often very urgently. She was heavily sedated throughout, only my DH ever saw her awake ( on the night she was born and transferred). They (and I) didn't see her with her eyes open. They went in twice to sing good night songs to her. The staff were in tears. I could not be there as I would have been in pieces. They were not allowed to touch her. The only pictures my DS has drawn of her are of his nightmares, where she is in the crematorium. Ill think of something, perhaps her wrist band? Or a photo of her teddy? I hate this.

Catch up again later, I have to catch the bus!

Lots of Xposts.

Re - wanting a baby to be a particular sex... yes, DH and I just want to be parents to a live, wriggling baby. Either sex. We just long to fall pregnant again and have our second child. I would adore a child of any sex, that goes without saying, and I will know how incredibly lucky I am, every day.

BUT (and here's a sentence I have only uttered to DH, and will NEVER say to any of my RL friends), if I could choose, I would love, love, love a girl. Another daughter. And if we are lucky enough to conceive again, after our first miracle, and our second child is a boy, I will still carry a particular sadness at losing the mother-daughter thing.
I think my RL friends would assume I'd be hoping to replace E, by confessing that I hope for a girl. Just being honest, though. I lost a girl: I would like another one.

Hi BaBYH, cross posted. Know what you mean about the are we being punished feeling. I am not the type to take what I've got for granted, and I know we have a lovely life, but I do wonder if it was 'too' lovely, and we were too happy. Losing Merryn has changed everything. The uncertainty and pain that goes with living has been brought into focus again. There were a lot of deaths in my family as I grew up, (a gran i doted on, my brother and my dad), and I guess I thought my kids wouldn't have to go through that, that their life would be easier. I didn't know why I thought I could control things. I look at other parents who live in that illusion, and envy them their peace. I don't think I'll ever relax again! But maybe in some way living with the knowledge of how fragile it is makes it more precious? Its like we can see more of the spectrum than is visible to most people.

babyh and green thank you both so much xxx

hi blue 31 weeks!!

green I definitely do not have the monopoly on having a crappy week, do I. Urgh, poor you. Loads of love to you xxx
What does DS1 think about how to include Merryn into his photo timeline? Do you have a picture of him with her? I don't know how much time your boys were able to spend with their sister You are SUCH a great mum.
I have been reluctant to post a picture of E on here, so I do understand why you'd want to take a photo down quickly - but sadly I don't know how that works. However, I have an offer for you - I'll join Facebook if you will?!?! I recall that there's a secret FB group, so no one else can read it. That way, we could both add lots of photos of our little ones, and share them with this group permanently.
I know that you've said you can't join it due to relatives being on there... but if you used a different name, and a separate email address, no one could find you, and you could just be 'friends' with people on here if you wanted. I used to be on it, so can give you info on how to set things up
Just an idea and feel very free to say no. I would love to see a pic of your beautiful girl, however and whenever.

babyh yes 18th November! My youngest brother's birthday... he's really hoping baby will arrive then