Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

Fan- muffins sound yummy!

Wtw- yikes to the feeding! Of course you still miss Erin, you always will. Having Holly must make you so aware of all the things you have missed out with Erin, I can only imagine how hard that is to cope with. Remember we are always here to listen when you need it. X

Spilt- hi, good to hear from you. Can you contact PALS At the hospital for your notes? Hope you are ok?

Kleine- hope you are having a better day today.

Moomins- how are you?

Elly- hope you are ok?

Mecha- your chart sounds promising, I have everything crossed for you.

Sorry not to name check everyone but I am thinking about you all. X

Sorry not to name check - Holly's feeding every 2hrs and I'm knackered!! Just wanted to say I am reading, thinking of everyone and love to all xxx Fan and Elly are you both for scans Monday?

Having a very tearful evening - just miss my baby so much and feel like everyone expects me to be 'feeling better' now that H is here. I am over the moon to have her, of course I am but I still miss Erin so so much

spilt its just a victoria sponge mix with chocolate chips and toffee chips that I found in asda today.
That must be hard to get over, can you ask your doctor about getting hold of your notes?

It was CityLink fan. We used to use them at work but ditched them for being both crap and expensive. Choc & toffee muffins sound yum - you don't fancy posting a recipe do you??

Had a good barbeque, plenty of salad! I am a reluctant carnivore and much prefer the pasta salad/bread/coleslaw etc to the actual burgers!

kleine that sounds like a really tough appointment - answers but no answers. How are you today? It can take some time to react fully to the information. Your poor little girl, such an awful thing to happen to her xx

I have been dwelling on Freya's birth again today. It was horrible and I feel really upset again after talking about it with a MW friend & I just think that 13 months on I should be less distressed by it now. I was wondering whether anyone knows how you go about getting a copy of your birth notes and an appointment to go through them with someone? I think hospitals often offer this but not sure how you get in touch?

blizy I hope you enjoy your holiday weekend.

mecha I hope that either your period arrives or you get that BFP. I know how hard it is to not have any definite answers, you desperatly want to be pregnant, but when its late and you get a BFN you just want your period to start so you can get on with the next cycle. It just feels like wasted days, just waiting! I find that time more depressing and damn right annoying and also tearful more than getting a BFN.

poppet that must have been hard to hear, hugs to you. Can I ask, what causes a cord to rupture?

spilt didnt happen to be Yodel courier service did it?

Ive been keeping myself busy today, preping for a Tikka masala dinner made by my not so sweet hands and also just baked a load of chocolate chip and toffee chip muffins, yum.

Oh mech you must be going a bit bananas with that temp chart - I temped (obsessively!!) and I know I was already gnawing my own fists by 11DPO (10 day LP here). You sound very restrained, here's hoping xx

wtw I know just what you mean about not being ready to leave Holly. Now I know I can leave Freya for a morning say, but longer would make me very anxious, though obv if I had no choice I would have to just do it and be fretful. It is possible I have taken this to an extreme though - I can't sleep if I have moved Freya to her cot pressed up against my bed - she has to be in bed with me and I have my arm round her all night every night. Mind, she can't sleep without me either!! Maybe I would have been a clingy cosleeper with Bobbie and that's just how I am, or maybe it's all related to losing her. I still wake several times a night convinced F won't be alive and check her frantically. It's horrible. Presumably not normal, but I don't know that

kleine nothing to say, just love xx

moomins how are you today?

Having a bbq shortly when our friends finally get here. Running late due to being hungover apparently

I had a deeply frustrating day yesterday waiting in from 8am-6pm with an increasing bored and fractious baby for a courier collection. Bastards never showed but logged it on their tracking system that they came and there was no one in It's just so rude and shows such contempt for your customers. So we have to complain, rebook, take 2 etc!

Just quickly popping on and am also now giggling at the image of blizy's DH sitting in a candlelit restaurant opposite a cup Poor man! My DH would understand totally as he had to do lots of SAs.
Also inappropriately laughing at mecha for forgetting that you wanted to be pregnant ... not REALLY laughing, you understand, but the way that you wrote it was funny! I am thinking of you and know that this is so stressful. Well done for waiting for doctor's appt, that sounds sensible. The only way to know for sure at this stage, if the tests are still coming up negative and AF doesn't arrive, would be to have a blood test for HCG, which of course are usually only available privately at fertility clinics. If nothing happens and you really do get stressed, I don't know if you would consider that, or would you rather wait it out?

Appt yesterday went as expected. Yes, the cord ruptured, but no, we can't exclude an abruption as well, however unlikely it may be. Whether or not it was vasa previa - ie, whether the cord really did cross the cervix - is almost irrelevant. Either way, it ruptured. With specialised scans, it would have probably been visible; but unless it was definite vasa previa, they may not have done anything about it anyway. It wasn't visible on any of the scans I had, and I did have a few more than usual.
We have decided not to tell friends/family for now that it could potentially have been diagnosed. We'll never know the answer, and we feel it's hard enough for us to have to deal with, without everyone else being outraged on our behalf - we hope, when someone asks, to phrase it in such a way that they don't have to worry about it too much.

Off out to enjoy the sun before the rain sets in. I hope everyone can enjoy their weekends and am thinking of everyone who's having a rough time at the moment xx

Klein hope yesterday went well, and you were able to get some answers or at least some peace.

Pregnancy announcments on this thread are about the only ones that don't make me a bit sad! I think because as lovely as my family and friends are, if you haven't experienced this first hand you just don't get how complicated it makes you feel.

Blizy I am picturing your DH offering a cup some flowers and it is really making me giggle! My DH had SA done last year before and I remember feeling so sorry for him and so grateful he was willing to do it, then thinking hang on, I am having all sorts of painful and intrusive things done! He is getting off easy! (har har)

fan temp charting when everything is fairly regular is brilliant. You know what to expect and what is happening. But if there is anything else going on I would stay away! I tried it during my two years with no period phase after coming off the pill and it just drove me mad seeing nothing happening.

I am now on CD36 (so six days late for me) with no bleeding, no temperature dip and no BFP. I have a drs appointment with my doctor, but it isn't until the 10th October. I could have seen someone earlier but some of the doctors at our surgery are a bit abrupt and I couldn't cope with the what, you made a dr's appointment because your period is late questions. I am fairly sure it is stress and the operation that is messing things about, but I am just confused because I think I ovulated BEFORE my op and nothing is supposed to affect the time between ovulation and AF. I don't think I am pregnant. And I don't think I am in denial (I know, I know. Textbook defination of denial!) I can't drink at the moment anyway, am no longer on any strong pain relief, don't like pate or soft cheese and don't take vitamin A so will just carry on as normal until either AF or my Doc's appointment. Will be in town today so will pick up some superdrug tests as I hear they are really sensitive? I did have a proper freak out until DH pointed out we did actually want me to be pregnant and we would cope. Sounds bizarre but that actually hadn't occurred to me

Thinking about all of us this cold, but sunny Saturday!

Moomins- hope you are feeling better?

Fan- yip, Tuesday is his big day, I hope wines and dines it first.

Angel- enjoy your holiday, you bloody deserve it!

It's a holiday weekend here, spending it relaxing with Dh. Hope you all have a nice weekend. X

mecha just read your other thread, I think you should go to that doctor, what day are you now on your cycle?

poppet, I think that is very sweet buying the babygrow. Ophelia was buried in the baby grow I bought her, it was white and covered in silver stars, it came with its own blanket. Never seen its like again, I bought it in tkmaxx. I hope the appointment goes ok, Im sending you all the luck I have today.

moonims how the cervical pain today? Hoping its just baby moving around and finding new positions. I guess theres alot of things going on in that area and the blood flow has increased alot so your going to feel more things I guess.

angel Im doing ok, busy with crochet and telling the kitties off! Ov is nearly apon us, and also the scan is this monday.

blizy is it this tuesday that Hubbie has his date with a cup?

mecha I dont temp chart, think I would get to obsessive about it, but I may look into it if nothing happens on the pg front. I think though with all the stress we have all been through, are cycles do become erratic. We also are grieving and our bodies dont know we dont have our babies anymore, so the hormonal changes must be having a toll on all of us. I hope it starts going to back to normal soon, if you are worried though pop along to your doctor and see what they think. Do you think your operation and pain meds have anything to do with your mucked up cycle?

Oh moomins how are you doing today? Any further pains? Is there ANYone sympathetic you can call at the hospital/GP surgery, in order to get extra scans or whatever you need? I do see that it's not ideal to lie about whether there's been bleeding or not, but equally you should batter down every door that you can in order to get the care you need. Thinking of you x

elly how did your appt go?
mecha how are you doing today?

angel nearly holiday-time for you!!

We are off to the hospital again this afternoon for our second consultant appt; hoping to get a further opinion on the likelihood of both the cord breaking (which may or may not have been vasa previa) and a placental abruption happening simultaneously. According to all the research we've done it's really extremely unlikely, but the info we have so far seems to point at it... Wish us luck xx

Oh Amy well done on your interview xxx
Mech xxxx
Moomins hope the pain settles soon xxx

Elly. I ve dropped to 4 days but certainly don t condense 5 days work in to 4!!! However, my job is different as I have my only clinic lists so only see my own pts & do my own work!!! I would have liked 9 months off but just couldn t afford it ( like you I m the main wage earner) 9 months mat leave would have been just enough...I'd have been going stir crazy at that point!!!
Kleine sorry you re feeling crap. It really is awful & I remember those early dark days so well... I could never imagine being happy again or smiling... But I have & do... We kept Georgie's hat she wore at the hospital & morgue... But I didn t buy a duplicate outfit ... Take care xxxx
Wtw when I dropped my hours in May I went from 5 days 37.5 hours to 4 days ;32 hours to only loose 5.5 hours per week couldn t really afford to drop any more , especially with an extra £508 per month in nursery fees to pay. Mine's on a trial basis but is working ok. I start earlier at 08.00 & seeing pts at 08:30 & finish at 4:30 to be home or at nusery at 5 ( depending on whose picking Phebs up) I remember thinking like you " was no way ready to leave Phebs" but at some point I was ( or had no choice!!) & now I miss her but it's fine... Xxx
Blizy & Fan hope u re ok?
Love to all. Hope all are well??? Had a lovely day off seeing a mate & chilling xxx
Thank god tomorrow's Friday xxxxx

Oh mecha I have just read your other thread - and while irregular cycles are to be expected after so much stress, after today's post, I would say a visit to the docs would seem to be in order if the symptoms continue. Am I allowed to say: FX?! Do you think you could hold out till after the weekend, and see what happens, or can you get a doctor's appt today if you need to?

Thanks all so so much for your kind, sweet words. It's so good to be understood. Makes such a difference.
Also, and surely ONLY a bereaved mother would ever say this, but it's really nice to hear about the outfits all your babies wore for burial/cremation...

mias I have re-read your last post but have absolutely no idea what you are apologising for!! Perhaps all of that bum-ache is addling your brain
In all seriousness though - I do hope you're not apologising for talking about your pregnancy/baby? That's what this thread is FOR. I probably should have added, it's not that I have any trouble being happy for the pg people on this thread, rather, I struggle with those for whom this family-building process is so easy. I hope it will get a bit better with time.

elly good luck at the appt. You are quite right: today you are pregnant xx

Right, I think I have finished sulking, so am ready to rejoin the world!

The appointment was exactly what I expected so I am not sure why it hit me so hard. I know it is hard to work out a cause in hindsight and lots of other women are in the same boat. So I am sorry for being such a whineyarse! The consultant was kind and lovely, and although I hadn't met her before she had read my notes very carefully and seemed to know the case really well, which I found very reassuring. I think it was just the thought of going through another pregnancy terrified me.

I don't think I can name check enough to catch up! But Green I am so pleased to hear about your BFP!

Elly and Fan hoping your scans soon both go well.

Klein sorry you are having a bad day. You are allowed to though, this is all still so fresh. Dexter was so tiny, he was buried in a babygro the hospital gave us. We were so wrong footed and I was so ill we didn't even think to look for something else! It was white with little blue stars on. He was also wearing a little white hat with ears our friend crocheted for us, and she made us an extra one was have on his little toy octopus. You are right, it does make us feel better having something near that reminds us of him.

amy your job offer sounds exciting! And WTW I hope your work agree to a four day week.

Am also having the wierdest cycle at the moment and I just don't know what is going on. I started a thread about it here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1568386-Very-Confusing-Temperature-chart And if anyone has any ideas or suggestions I would be really grateful! Just driving myself mad over it.

I know I have missed people, I am thinking of us all, with love x

Hi all

So sorry you are finding it so hard kleine - it is really hard. We buried Nancy in a Gruffalo vest which my Mum had bought for her, we read the Gruffalo to her when she was in SCBU, and every time I see anything gruffalo related now it always makes me think of her and reading to her. It's so hard seeing other friends pg too - I still find that hard too, although I do make an effort to keep in touch with my mum friends from ante-natal classes, it's very hard though.

fan, you are so not a whiner - hope the wii boxing helped though!! Am thinking of you so much - I hope that your scan on Monday helps.

We went to see Ted at the cinema - it was nice to have a 'date night' with DH - so often we are just veg-ing at home or with other people, so it was nice to just spend some time together.

Still spotting, but trying not to think too much about it & wanting the scan to come around really quickly - we are seeing the paediatric consultant who looked after Nancy on Monday, then the scan is the following Monday.

wtw, don't blame you for taking longer for mat leave - it is hard enough going back anyway, but after E and then all the stress throughout your pg with Holly, it's only natural that you want more time with her now. I hope that you manage to work your 4 days condensed - that was my intention too! No point in just going down to 4 days because you'd end up doing the same amount of work for less money! I told DH before we got pg that I would want to take longer off for mat leave if we have another baby so we have started saving up (I'm also the main wage earner).

Sorry for the long post!! I have got booking in appointment with midwife now - was tempted to cancel it until after the scan, but I have decided to go with the 'today I am pregnant' mantra and trying to think positive.

to everyone else!!

baby glad the counselling went ok.

blizy, hope you're ok.

amy and green - am thinking of you both as little beans develop xx And congrats on the job Amy!!

Kleine- I am sorry you are not having a good day. In our group of friends we were pretty much all PG at the same time (7 of us) there 8 weeks between each of the babies. It is very hard when we all get together as they all bring their babies along. Some of them are now pg with their second.
We also bought a duplicate of Z's cremation outfit, it is a little pink Babygro with "mummy and daddy love me" written in it.it was from next too.

Wtw- I'm glad H is gaining weight! Also fingers crossed for your 4 days.

Oops got to go baby mindee is awake.

kleine a HUGE apology from about my last post, especially in light of your tough day. Xx

Sorry you're having a difficul morning kleine. It is very hard watching friends going through pregnancy when you've lost a little one. I can't imagine how much harder it must be when you took time to conceive in the first place. I have a few friends at the moment going through first or second pregnancies and they all seem to be having boys, which is making things quite hard. The worst thing is that they don't want to really talk to me either about their pregnancies or about Thomas. I can understand why - they don't want to acknowledge that stillbirth is even a possibility for them. But, it's hard for me. Thankfully I have a friend in RL who lost her first child, and she's a great support.

I hope buying the babygro has bought you a bit of comfort and that you don't find the situation with your friend too hard. I think you're being very strong even managing to talk to her about it. Not sure I could do that right now.

I didn't mention the pregnancy in my job interview yesterday. If they offer me the job I intend to tell them before I sign. It's for the EU institutions, so I know they won't not hire me over it. It just might not be the best footing for starting a new career. But, I'm hoping if I tell them the background, they might understand (or at least have a bit of sympathy).

Oh Kleine ((hugs)) I remember so clearly being where you are now. Other people's happy baby news in sharp contrast to your sadness. Missing and warning your baby so so much (though that never ever goes the yearning does become easier to live with). We also bought another set of the clothes Erin was buried in - they were from the mothercare tiny baby range as she was only 5lbs. I look at them in her memory box and can almost imagine her in them. I saw another baby in sainsburys wearing the exact same outfit about a month after Erin died - I had to abandon my shopping and go and howl in the car. It does all get better with time I promise my friend. Go easy on yourself xx

Fan you are most definitely NOT a whiner!! Hope the wii boxing helped vent some frustration

Yay for expanding bumps Mias and Blue I sort of miss having a bump!! Already feeling like I would hate never to be pregnant again.....

Mias do you have any photos of Mias wood? Would love to see it.

How are you doing Elly? xx

How are you feeling now Mech? xx

Any morning sickness yet Green?

Well I took Holly to work yesterday and broached the subject of compressing my full time hours in to 4 days when I go back - my boss wasn't averse to the idea on a trial basis but I have to request via HR. They may not approve it as I have a portfolio of clients and they may say it's not good enough that they can't contact their business manager one day a week. Can't see any other objection than that though as I will keep a full time target so it'll be up to me to make it work in 4 days. We'll see! I also told her I wasn't coming back in January as I'd originally said - I just can't leave Holly so soon - Ive already been in tears over it. So I think we can stretch out our saving til March. Trouble is im our main wage earner and every month I'm off we need 2k+ to top my smp up to my usual salary. Ah well will keep doing the lottery in the meantime!!!

Love to all xxx

I lost it a little bit this morning... I had a (very kind) email from a friend who is currently eleven days overdue with a little girl and probably being induced at the weekend... it was during my induction that I started haemorrhaging and E was deprived of oxygen Brings back so many memories, heartbreaking ones of the happy days before then, and of course of those terrible moments... Ugh. All a bit close to the bone. Am worried for her, and also I'm just finding the arrival of friends' little girls very hard. I miss my daughter so totally, so utterly.
Plus, yesterday when I went shopping, I didn't just buy trousers - I also went into Next, and checked to see if they still had the babygro in which we buried E - they did, and I bought it, in the newborn size that she wore. Upsetting, yes, but it was a good thing: I felt like I was buying a piece of E, somehow. And they won't always stock it, so if I wanted to buy it, it had to be now, and I'm glad it was still there. But oh, the contrast - there was I, buying a copy of E's burial outfit; there is my friend and her DH and their DCs, happily waiting for the new baby to arrive...
It makes you very selfish sometimes, I think, losing a child. I find it impossible to be happy for them at the moment, with a new little one about to arrive. But for myself and DH - well, that's all I want - another baby. Fortunately most of our friends know how hard it was for us to conceive, so we've not been bombarded with too much 'advice' to try again, and we've not told a single soul in RL that we're trying, or at least will be once my cycle returns.
Sorry for me-me-me post. Hopefully this will help to get it out of my system and I will have a reasonable day. Love to all x

Such a busy thread at the moment!! Not sure I will be able to address everyone, but please know that I am following all the life updates...

babyh not sure I could read a remembrance book. Too much pain. But it is lovely to think of other parents who are still able to empathise with the loss and pain of others. People can just be amazing sometimes.

kleine a big congratulations to you, and I am holding your hand. It is an incredibly conflicting time.

elly hand holding for you too while you wait out these next couple of weeks, and hoping you are somehow able to do the impossible by not stressing yourself out in the meantime. How can we help? Lots of silly jokes perhaps??

mecha ah, the old 'no definitive answers' routine. I am so sorry. I do really wonder how many mothers are given this line. You'd think there would be far better knowledge, given that pregnancy is very normal occurrence, and that the level of interest would be high enough to give us better answers when things don't work out.

fan definitely agree that you are no whiner!! Venting here with friends is completely permitted.

amy intrigued as to whether you mentioned your pregnancy or not today. I wouldn't have, but that's because I have always worked in a male-dominated, luddite-thinking industry... very impressed that everyone else here would be comfortable enough with their companies to do so.

Like you blue I have given in to the belly growth - but a new haircuit, a comfy pair of maternity jeans and some new stretchy tops have made me feel less frumpy - and bump is definitely out and proud. Starting to get lower back ache and in my bum(!), but think it's because my body is reacting to the weight gain and I need to strengthen my muscles, so trying to walk / pilates / yoga most days to alleviate the pain. DH has realised that there is only 11 weeks to go... we might try and buy some things together next week. Name lists have been started, but nothing definitive, although we are much closer to agreeing boy names than girls!

Hello everyone

Kliene: Well done you for losing your pregnancy weight.....mines a little slower coming off need to get on the wii like fan ha ha My DH loves to cycle and has just bought me a cycle helmet so we can cycle together the 9 mile trip to the cemetery.......I will be like a skeleton by Christmas if he gets me doing that 3 times a week!!

Sorry you seen so many babies at you appointment.....you do have a baby Kliene....your beautiful E is with you in your heart and soul....sending you a massive hug your so brave xxxxxxxx

Fan: Your anything but a whiner chick.....we all feel for you. Hows your bosses head?

Blue: I remember I felt so ashamed when I grew out of my maternity trousers so your not alone lol so glad your bump is growing well : )

AMY: Glad the interview went well. Did you decide to tell them about the baby? Either way at least its out the way....Im hopeless at interviews and turn into a nervous wreck!!

Busy day in our house today still decorating to try and keep busy. Our Counselling is in a childrens hospital and the books of remembrance our so sad. I cried when I saw some of their photos.....I said to the counseller it must be so hard for the families of the older children because they got to know them more than we did. He said they always feel more sorry for us because we wern't lucky enough to get to know our beautiful babies and see them grow. I'd never thought of it that way he said they are grateful for all the wonderful memories.

I came away thinking about the support thats out there. I know its not everywhere across the country so a bit of a postcode thing. Just hope all you lovely mums are getting the support you deserve.

Love to all xxxx