Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

spilt no one is going to be telling you to shut about Freya's labour. It has had an effect on you that you can't get past, do you think your labour with Bobbie has anything to do with the way you feel?

angel I'm sorry to hear that, but hope that your holiday will either help you reconnect or to make the desision to divorce, it can not be easy.

Waves to everyone else,

Oh meant to say Miasmum enjoy your stay cation...xxx I can t wait to feel the sun on me

Quick post;
Good luck Fan & Elly today xxxx
Miasmum no, we re here this week off to Ibiza on Saturday... Weekend busy working mon, tues & we'd... Then hilights re-done on thurs ; that's a full day as ny hairdresser is my friend so we have lunch , make a day of it & she loves coming to see Phebs too. Then a mani/ pedi early Fri ,in to town then fly 05:45 sat am.... Yippee...
Love to all Phebs fine but lots of crap with Ant thinking it might be heading to divorce but hey ho we ll see .... Xxxx

That's great elly, we did ribeye too, yum . My forte is pork shoulder though, long and slow. That's the sort of joint where if you cook it accidentally for 2 hours too long it is fine and infact, better, but with beef, 20 mins too long and it is a totally different roast.

It was me spilt - first one in new kitchen & it was perfect!! More well cooked than we would normally have it because of our little Ricicle but it was so tasty!! We bought a meat thermometer & have had perfect roasts since! Glad yours was lovely too, and don't apologise - you need to talk about the birth, it does sound awfully traumatic and I do think it's a good idea to talk it through with someone impartial, particularly if it is having such an effect that you are talking about no more children as a result.

elly I am so pleased for you that you have a great MW who actually gets it. And hurrah for all your pg symptoms!

miasmummy enjoy your staycation, that's my kind of thing, I am a right home bird and get a kick out of finishing decorating etc

kleine thank you for explaining about the cord. It's awful isn't it, all these things that beforehand you never even knew could happen. I completely understand keeping the details to yourselves, so much of the emotional reaction is almost impossible to articulate.

greengoose that sounds like an awesome party! And beans on toast is delicious if it comes to that this week. One of my favourites!

moomins glad you are doing better xx

babyh you poor thing, not what you needed with your SIL & baby at all, and how insensitive of your family. In your own time, one day you will be ready to meet him, but don't be pushed until then. Friends of ours have a little boy who had almost the exact same due date as Bobbie. Obv she was born a long way in advance of her EDD but it was just devastating when he was born IYKWIM - I felt so utterly robbed of my own baby that I should have been having then. We only saw them once between Bobbie's birth and when their DS was about 7 months old (when they came to visit Freya as a newborn). The one time we did see them I was 26 weeks with Freya and it was horrendous still. I had a panic attack beforehand and sobbed all the way there and then couldn't look at the baby at all. I heard him cry and it was like a knife through me. Just so hard. But in the last 8 months or so we've all been able to pick up again and it's fine now, truely. They must have been very understanding to just wait so long, I am grateful!! You'll know when you are ready xx

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I might see if PALS can help. Whilst it would in some ways be nice to talk to my community MW, I am conscious that someone impartial might be easier to talk to. My CMW was a bit of a "avoid intervention at all costs" type, and whilst I am a big hippy at heart I think some of the issues for me revolve around why in gods name did they not intervene?? I think what she may see as a "look we just left you a bit longer and huzzah you managed a vaginal birth!" I see as being left very very frightened and in indescribable pain for 6 hours, barely progressing and no one doing anything to help. I was 8cm dilated 6 hours before F was born, it took so bloody long from therein. My friend who is a MW was horrified and said it was disgusting that I'd had an active labour of 21hrs, and most especially that I was basically stuck in transition for 4.5 hours with no suggestion of help.
At the time the MWs kept saying how well I was coping but I really really wasn't. I was just so utterly shocked by the pain I was in and sort of froze and they thought it was uber calm birthing... No actually, I was completely traumatised!
The hard thing is feeling like such a fraud saying I struggle with what happened - on paper it sounds great - spontaneous labour, MLU, gas & air and pool, vb, no stitches. And up until the last 6 hours it was fine, if slow going and hard work. From then on it was pure hell and I know I can't do that again, and we are now talking about having no more children as a result

I'm sorry this isn't really the place for this. I appreciate the listening ears but will stop the monologue. I'm very conscious that I am complaining about the experience of birth and I'm sure some of you are throwing things at the screeen saying "stop whining FGS your baby was ok!" I am so grateful that she was, and know only too well that that is the most important bit.

Who else was having roast beef today? Did it turn out well? We did one too, nervously, as we have a track record of serving it either actually raw or well done (the horror of well done when you have spent a fortune on the joint and wanted RARE!) and it was a SUCCESS!! Chuffed and stuffed.

hello all. We are staycationing this week, so DH and I can make a sizeable dent in the long list of DIY jobs we have, but have ensured that there is some 'fun stuff' thrown in too, and not too many meals cooked by me either! While he is pretending to complain, I think he is quite enjoying it all - he loves pottering around at home.

kleine so you have some answers, but not enough. And even so, sometimes knowledge isn't power when it can't change anything, can it? Like you, I had several extra scans, and my vasa previa wasn't picked up either...

fan hoping you will be able to have a discussion with the consultant about your scan tomorrow, and that it is a positive one.

babyh your DH definitely did the right thing. You should be able to choose the time to meet this little baby, not have it thrust upon you, but it sounds like people weren't really thinking...

whatever I am so sorry that you are missing your little Erin. But how can you not? Yet your love for Holly is something separate, and I am sure you know that. I expect I will feel the same. After all, Mia is the only pg I know, and everything now is a comparison to that, subconscious or otherwise.

split yes, I also understand you can access your maternity notes. For us, the fee was £50. I didn't get mine, but I photocopied all the important pages, and I also made a special request to the consultant to write a summary note of Mia's delivery, as we thought we might be overseas for a future child.

blizy smiles here too for your DH and the candlelit dinner notion opposite a cup!!

moomins glad an appointment is booked, but hope this week passes easily and gently for you.

angel are you on holiday this week too? If so, hope you are having better weather than us!!

greengoose what a fab birthday, and I bet Jacob loved every second.

elly glad to hear the MW was lovely, it really does make all the difference when you are treated like a person, not some sort of neurotic statistic to be condescended to!!

amy FX for positive outcome for your interview.

mecha any news from you? Cycles can be all over the place, due to a plethora of factors, and you've certainly had your share of stress lately.

Now I have probably missed someone, so I do apologise in advance - but will try to be better. [wink'

green, Jacobs party sounds amazing - I would have loved it!!!

fan, hope your scan goes well tomorrow - will they talk to you about it straightaway or will you have a follow up appt?

babyh, that sounds like a really tough few days - people can be so insensitive at times, and you shouldn't feel guilty about telling your in-laws not to come, your sil sounds awful. I think it's good that you were strong enough to tell them not to come if you both weren't up to it - it's not easy to say no sometimes so well done (don't mean that to sound patronising).

moomins so glad you are feeling a bit better and that you've got an appt with your consultant next week.

kleine, it's awful to think that the issues with Es cord could have been discovered before - we felt do angry that scans to see her growth later on and check the flow through the cord, coupled with a low dose aspirin daily could have saved Nancy. It's awful to think like that, so we try not to because it won't help bring her back, and it means that they will check loads more this time. I totally understand you keeping it to yourselves - it's hard enough to deal with on your own without having other peoples issues & thoughts & emotions thrown into the mix.

Hugs to all, sorry I've not name checked everyone - am cooking a roast beef dinner at mo, first one in new kitchen, am so looking forward to it!!

Kliene: About the terrible nightmare you had. I have lots of scarey dreams too....in one I am lost in the woods and cant get out trying to find the baby. My mum said they are known as night terrors and its your brain jumbling this living hell up because its struggling to cope. Hope your ok try not to let it play on your mind.

On the bright side 4 babies!!!!! Your just need to lose the lion and buy a few clothes lol xxxxxxxx

Kliene & Fan: Thank you for your kind thoughts. Kliene, I couldnt text her we are not really close. My DH has 2 sisters one of them I am really close to by the way. I think a rift started after we lost our DS. Basically she was very ill after she gave birth a few weeks prior. My FIL phoned up at 5am saying she was very sick and that she had suffered a post partem haemorrage after the birth and had to go into surgery. My DH left at 5am and went straight to the hospital we were both worried sick but I was heavily preg at the time and had to stay home to look after the our kids. My DH practically camped out at the hospital with some other family members and as soon as I could organise childcare, I went as well. In sharp contrast when we lost the baby we didnt even get a phone call......all we were worth was a text that said 'SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS'. My other SIL was going mad about it and said that a text 'just didnt cut it'! and TBH we received more kindness from people we hardly know.

Having said that I would never be unkind towards her in any way, it just feels insensitive for her to want to turn up without asking given the circumstances.

Cross post fan - lots of love to you x

poppet thankyou for sharing, your poor little girl. Fi died of acute hypoxia due to a cord accident.

babyh what a hard day for you and your DH. Really yes your inlaws should have asked if it was ok that SIL bring her baby. Try not to dwell on it too much, you can not handle it at the moment, its fine to be selfish you know what you can take and what you can't and I'm sure they won't mind. Don't be pressured into seeing people you don't want to or can't.
And don't apologise for moaning, we have all been there.

babyh oooh what a tough couple of days. Sending you lots of love and support. I am glad you didn't have to see the baby if you didn't feel up to it. If you are very worried about having hurt your SIL's feelings, are you close enough to her to be able to text her and explain? Your DH is right - you shouldn't have to put a brave face on if you're not ready to do so.
I do totally understand why you couldn't see her with the baby. We've not spent any time around newborns yet, and have no intention of doing so for quite a while. Four of our good friends now have tiny ones (two boys, two girls - and yes, the boys' births were easier, and it's easier to imagine seeing them too). It's very tough when you have to avoid people, I know, but you and your DH have done the right thing. It may be a little easier when the baby gets a bit older - although, of course, it will always be very, very hard. Wish I could make it better for you... xx

(Nothing wrong with your message by the way! There was a chance that it could have been diagnosed in advance. We just have to learn to live with it - our daughter, sadly, can't.)

Kliene: sorry if that come out wrong. I meant if there was a potential prevention method IFYSWIM xxx

Kliene: Posts crossed. Totally understand about your friends baby....I think my post above describes how confusing it can be when other babies present themselves into our lives in one way or another. Do you think it would have been easier if they had had a boy? Thinking of you and your beautiful Angel E. This just ISNT how it was meant to turn out was it chick.....even more so when you feel like they could have done something to change things. (the scan)

Big hugs xxxxx

Hello everyone.
Thinking of you all with all the different appointments approaching for Elly, Fan and Blizy.

Thinking and praying of all the growing rainbows for Elly, Green, Moomins, blue, Amy and Miasmummy. (Wow theres quite alot lets hope they keep coming).

Split so sorry your fretting over Freya its only natural and your mothers instinct. Hope things get better xxx

WTW: Sorry your missing Erin so much. Big hugs to you x

Green: Glad Jacob had a lovely day and you are making new memories for you and your lovely family. Its so hard when your missing Merryn, but it sounds like you had a lovely day. Try not to overdo things and rest up a bit now x

Elly: So glad your spotting has stopped and you preg symptoms are getting stronger xx

Kliene: Thinking of you after your tough appointment....hope your ok today? Love to you x

Mech: Have you thought the OP has delayed your period? I'm not a doctor of course and so want it to be a BFP for you.

Hope I havent missed anyone. Bit of a tough few days here. We had a funeral on Friday and it was hard to hold it together. It was our friends dad, it was so difficult being at a funeral so soon after Adams. Then just before we went out a letter came about the follow up appointment we had to discuss the 'sad outcome of my pregnancy' on 10/9/12. It was so different to the appointment we had and there were alot of discrepancies which has now sent us into turmoil again.

To put the icing on the cake my MIL and FIL were due to visit this AM. They sent a text saying they were bringing our SIL who has a newborn baby (Few wks before Adam) they didnt say whether she was bringing him and we didnt want to ask.....In the end we confirmed that she was bringing him and I suggested I go out to a friends house which caused a big debate....my DH said it was great that I was protecting myself but who was protecting him? God this is so awful almost like we are being mean towards his SIL and her baby but we just cant face her at the mo. In the end my DH phoned his dad and asked them not to come.....he said it was just to raw for us right now.

I'm now worried that we have hurt her feelings but my DH said they should have asked if it was ok to bring him round in the 1st place. A simple text rather than just being told that they were coming. Personally, I would just have put a brave face on but my DH said we shouldn't have to and that seeing him should be on our terms when we are ready. He also said if the tables had been turned theres no way his dad would have agreed for us to go and visit her with our newborn if she was grieving IYSWIM.

Don't want them to think we resent her baby because we so don't, but find it hard to deal with right now because they are so close in age.

Sorry for moaning x

elly and fan I will be thinking of you both tomorrow, at your very different but equally important appointments. Also glad to hear you're feeling positive about the pg elly that's great.
moomins I'm glad you're feeling a little better... and that you have an appt in a week, too. Hope v much that you'll get the extra scan.
spilt I second the suggestion to contact PALS or the midwifery team direct. There will be a Medical Records Dept from which you can get your records (you'd probably have to pay), but if you want to go through them with someone too, definitely worth finding out in advance how best, and quickest, to do so. I'm really sorry to hear you're still struggling with what happened at Freya's birth. xx
green if I was planning to celebrate my next birthday I would ask you to do my party!! I'm so so glad it was an unforgettable day, and also that Merryn was so much a part of it. Sorry to hear you had a scary dream... there's just so much going on, isn't there. When do you plan to call the consultant, or will you just wait until you 'feel' pg?
(I had a dream the other night which was so unsubtly symbolic of my feelings that I had to laugh. I was stuck in a cold, isolated building with my newly-born quadruplets, who didn't have enough to wear, and all needed feeding, but a tiger was trying to break in through the window to eat us all... You don't really need a degree in, well, anything to work out what I'm worrying about, do you?!)

fan about the cord rupturing - I had what is called a velamentous cord, which means that part of it runs through the membranes surrounding the baby, rather than going straight from baby to placenta. The velamentous part of the cord isn't protected by jelly like the rest of the cord, so is fragile. This happens in about 1% of pregnancies and is usually ok. In our case, almost half of the cord was unprotected, and the veins and artery in it broke while I was being induced. This was either because they were so attached to the membranes that they broke with them (assuming the membranes broke, ie that what would otherwise have happened is that my water would have broken), OR because they crossed the cervix and as the cervix began to dilate/membranes broke, they were stretched too far and broke - this would be vasa previa. We won't ever know which one it was. Either way our little girl bled out and was starved of oxygen for far too long, even though she was born only about 13-14 mins after I started bleeding
We remain incredibly grateful, in the circumstances, that we had any time with her at all. But just wish, desperately, that she hadn't had to go through that. Our poor little one.
We are doing ok - the past couple of days have been pretty difficult, but we are ok. (Our friends also had their baby girl, and it is obviously great news that she is fine, really pleased about that, but equally obviously it's pretty tough for us to hear about right now.) We already knew exactly what the consultant would say - in one sense it was good to have everything confirmed. It will ALWAYS be incredibly difficult to know that a simple scan could possibly have seen the problem in advance.

and love to all, sorry about those I've missed! Hope you are having nice days despite the rain. We had a lovely walk under a big umbrella while no one else was around...

moomins take it easy, I am thinking of you.

green my DH is coming with me.

ELLy, I really hope things are settling down for you. Your MW sounds lovely. It's sad that it takes being there to 'get' this, but I guess I wouldn't want people to know how we feel either? Do you have the same MW each time or is it a team?
My MW with Merryn was atrocious, she never acknowledged the pregnancy wasn't normal or that Merryn might die, and had a false giddy positivity the whole time. I hope I get a good one this time!

FAN, the boys have had to put up with some awful times this year, and I've been under my duvet much more than any 'wonderful' mum should. But thanks anyway! I guess they understand more than most grown ups in my life how loosing Merryn has changed us, and I'm trying to balance things a little for them.
I will be thinking about you tommorow, are you going on your own?

elly so glad you have a supporting and understanding midwife. And I have everything crossed for you that your dizziness, and the spotting subsiding is a good sign.

green you sound like a wonderful mum, that party sounded amazing and one I'm sure will stay with those children and your boy forever. I think its very brave of you to do it. You've gievn him such loving memories.
My scan is tomorrow at midday.

wtw, of course Holly hasn't replaced E, and you will always miss your beautiful angel. Having Holly must bring back the rawness and sadness that she isn't with you all.

fan muffins sound gorgeous - am too hungry now!!

mecha, crikey you have the patience of a saint - id struggle to wait that long for a dr appt. I hope you're ok.

kleine I hope today is gentle for you and you're having a better day.

moomins, how are you doing? Have you been to the hospital to be checked & reassured?

blizy, I hope dh's SA on tues goes ok.

spilt, my sis went over her notes from her first birth because it was quite traumatic - they were really good with her and explained everything. Can you get in touch with the hospital or your MW? They might be able to point you in the right direction?

Hi everyone. My crazy busy week leading up to Jacobs birthday is done now. We had his party yesterday, and it went really well. Going with the Harry Potter theme they all dressed up and got the steam train from Totnes, platform 9 3/4 to our village ( one stop) and then walked to our house which is really close. Once in our paddock a very lovely man from dartmoor zoo flew owls and hawks with them. ( which j didn't know was going to happen). Then dp played Quiddich with them, and they chose wands. Adults collected and stayed for soup at the yurt and everyone went home when it got dark.
It's been a hell of a week, and yesterday morning I was in tears, but Jacob said he'll never ever forget his tenth birthday, and that's all I wanted, just some memories to go alongside the year we had Merryn. My friends 'got' it, which was lovely, and they fussed around me in a way that felt very loving. The day had a lot about Merryn somehow too. Now we have to manage on thin air until payday at the end of the week, but that's ok.

SPILT, I think it's fine that you hug Freya while she sleeps. Jacob slept on me like this for about a year. (and in same bed much longer). He's the most independent and confident kid now, not clingy in any way, just very loving. (I might be biased)! If she didn't like it shed tell you. My DS2 insisted on hugging for a bit and then being in his space in the bedside cot. Both sleep fine and enjoy going to bed now, and both enjoy sleepovers, so IMO it's been good for us, and it's over so very soon. People find there own paths, I think the struggles in feeling good about our choices, whatever they are!

WTW. You must be so tired lovely. Holly must be bringing everything you and Erin missed into such painful focus too. Make sure you are looking after yourself, grief and two hour feeds sounds like it would exhaust anyone, and your hormones must be in a jumble. You are a brilliant mum, to all your girls. X

KLEINE. Oh my love, that appt must have been difficult for you and DH. I can see why you want to keep what you tell RL friends simple, you have your own feelings about this to live with, there is no need to deal with everyone else's too. After Merryn died we had to fight not to be very angry, (lots of things could have been different). I can say five months on I have let go of most of the anger, and now feel love and pain for loosing her, but they are feelings belonging to her and my relationship, not medical conditions, or doctors, or tumours. That has helped me, but I had to fight for it. Some dark days its still rage I feel. I guess I'm wishing some sort of peace for you and your DH. Xxx

MECHA. It's not right. I hope your cycle works out what it's doing. You, as FAN, really don't deserve the extra stress, and the confusion. I hope your doc is sympathetic and helpful. (and fingers sneakily crossed for the super drug test)...

FAN, that curry has made my mouth water, and it's only 9.30! Are you having scan this week? (sorry if thats wrong). If so I hope they are kind and you get some answers. You must be one of the strongest people I know. When you have your rainbow I hope they are told how bravely their Mummy fought for them. Sending you love. X

BLIZY, I was genuinely confused by the cup comments. Thought your DH was celebrating having won said cup at sporting event!! Does he know we are all talking about him?! I am quite jealous that you are in Scotland for Halloween. (whisper; these southerners don't do it right)!

I think i am clearly in denial re my BFP (although had very matter of fact dream last night that i went to the loo and MCd, had to remind myself on waking that i hadnt been out of bed). I do an eBay cheaply test everyday, and the line is getting nicely darker, and my flea bite boobs are a little less saggy. So it must be true, but I'm not 'feeling' it yet. I need to call my consultant soon, but can't make myself do it... Too real.

Thinking of us all, but didn't want to write the longest post on MN, so will come back later.

Hi - wow, 2 hr feeds, no wonder Holly is growing so well!!

We have appt with the paediatric consultant who looked after Nancy tomorrow - scan next week. I'm still shattered all the time and have started with the dizziness when I stand up so taking it all as good positive signs - spotting seems to have subsided a bit too, so fx! Midwife appt went well - she is lovely and was my sisters MW with her 2 dd. MW had a dd my age who was in my yr at school who died 11 years ago of cancer - she said 'so I do understand how it feels'. We were both in tears at one point in my appt - it was good that she understands how hard it is & is going to be.
We've had a really busy couple of days - 3 birthday parties & a naming ceremony on Friday night (along with a leak from the bathroom which has stained our brand new oak floor - meant DH had to take some of the ceiling down), then my cousins 21st birthday party last night - sept is a very busy month for birthdays in our family :)

How is everyone? Sorry, am on phone so I can't scroll back at the moment.